I should have put this in the first chapter but I hope its obvious to everybody I don't own Chicago P.D. or its characters. Probably a good thing for Jay's sake.
Erin's P.O.V.
I've never seen Jay cry. I just thought it wasn't possible. Like he was like Voight. Yes, they get enraged, but sadness? Despair? You'd never see it. You would just see the determination to move on or get revenge on the cause. And then move on.
But I can't see that. Not today. No, today is the day Will Halstead died. And Jay Halstead watched it happen.
There is no determination in his face, there is nothing left of him. I can see the inner turmoil consuming him, stealing away the partner I care for.
Jay is broken. And I fear nothing will be able to put him back together. Not even me.
This scares me more than anything I have ever known. When he pointed that gun at Al, it was a message to us. There is nothing left for him, so why should he care what happens?
"You're wrong." I say as he stumbles out of the flat.
"What?"
"You're wrong. You aren't alone." The words fall from my mouth harsher than I intended.
He smiles, but there is no happiness behind it. More like angry amusement.
"Really? And why is that? Because I have you?!" He just about spits the words at me. You know Erin, getting him angry may not be the best idea right now…
"But I don't have you Erin. Remember? You told me I wasn't good enough, just like everyone else I've ever cared for." He pauses. "You just like them. You don't care."
Ooh. Ouch. That hurt.
My eyes find the floor. I know why hes doing this, its a defense mechanism. You hurt so you hurt others, so that they may feel like you. If you're lucky they leave you alone to sink deeper into the pain. I understand this is what he wants, to lose himself.
"I do care." We look at each other, when I speak. For a split second fear flashes in his empty blue eyes. Fear? Why would he be afraid of-
My thought cut out as the rest of the unit exit his house. We start toward the elevators. After about three steps of Jay struggling to stay upright, Ruzek ends up grabbing one arm and half dragging him into the metal box. He leans against the wall and shuts his eyes, taking deep shuddering breaths. My heart feels heavy.
The ride down is silent, and we exit, forming a tight protective circle around Halstead. It's not until we are in the Escalade with Voight and Antonio do I ask where we are going.
"My place." is all Hank answers. I catch his eye in the mirror, asking a million questions at once. He glances at Jay then back to me in a look that says Not here. I nod in agreement.
...
At some point during the drive home, Jay fell asleep. And I mean like, fell asleep. An atomic bomb could have gone off next to him and he probably wouldn't have even stirred. Ruzek and Dawson carry him inside the house and plop him down in Justin's old room.
"Somebody's gotta watch him." Olinski speaks.
"I will." Without a second thought I grab a stool and start to maneuver it to his bedside when a hand stops me.
"Hank-" I begin and he once again cuts me off.
"No. We need to talk. Down stairs. Ruzek can stay." Adam nods, taking the little bench from me, I head down stairs. A few minutes later we are sitting in a circle in the living room, coffee in hand. Dawson sits next to me, Hank and Al stand across from us. There is silence for a moment, then Antonio pops the question.
"What are we going to do?" We just kinda stare at him, trying to process some answer. I guess he takes it as a 'What-are-you-talking-about?' because he continues.
"I mean, we can't do this by the books. Jay killed that guy before his brother was dead. A prosecutor could make the case he killed him in cold blood. He could lose his badge. Or worse."
Again, we all just look at each other trying to form a plan. Of course, Voight comes up with one first.
"We call it in."
"What?!" I hiss at him. He puts his hands out in a non-threatening gesture.
"Now hear me out. We call it in. Tell them the truth. We went there because we could not contact a member of our team. We found him with his brother who was dead. When they ask why Jay isn't there, we say we took him in to get cleaned up. That's it." I find myself nodding along with the plan. short and sweet. If we all have the same story, adding our own emotion when telling it, nobody's gonna think other wise.
"But what about the body? He still killed him." Antonio points out the one flaw.
"Killed him in self defense. The robber was going to kill Jay, so Jay killed him. Play it off with fear and adrenaline, and no jury will find him guilty."Al responds in a quiet voice.
I stand up. "I'll go tell Ruzek."
"Hey, hold up." Hank voice makes me freeze. He looks around the room, nodding slightly, as though agreeing with words not yet spoken.
"Nothing-and I mean nothing- happens to him without us saying its ok. Got it?" I'm about to respond when a blood curling scream sounds from upstairs. There is a chorus of glass shattering as we drop our mugs of caffeine and sprint upstairs.
"What happened to him?! What did you do?!" Jay is screaming, crouched in a defensive position with a bloody piece of glass in his hand. Adam if standing in front of him, both hands out, trying to calm him.
"Jay I didn't-" Ruzek talks, taking a step forward.
Mistake number one.
Halstead reacts, flinging the piece of glass at us. It somehow spins the right way so that it sticks in the wallboard next to Adams head. He steps back.
Jay reaches back and pulls out another piece, long and jagged. It cuts into his hand with ease, making blood drip to the floor. What the heck did he do? stock up the last time he went to the hardware store?!
His chest heaves, and he looks like he's barely able to stay up right. The slight crouch hes in seems less like a choice and more like a "If-I-fall-it-won't-be-as-far" position.
"I told you. I told you!" He screams again, to no one in particular.
I speak in a calm voice, despite the panic and horror building inside me.
"Told us what, Jay?"
Mistake number two.
I guess he doesn't want to hear my voice because another piece of glass flies toward us. He immediately reloads but I can tell its his last weapon because he holds it differently. More securely, like its his life line. And in his delusional state, that weapon, for him, probably is.
"I told you to STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Jay's voice starts low and escalated to a screech and he surges forward. We lunge to meet him.
Mistake number three.
Antonio catches loops his arms around Halstead's mid-section from behind and holds his ground. Jay stumbles back with the added weight and they both go to the ground. Halstead's head connects with the floor in a sickening crack.
That's when all hell breaks lose.
Faster than I've ever seen anybody move he throws and elbow into Antonio's face, making Dawson loose his grip. Jay roles over and throws a fist into his temple. He's out like a light.
Ruzek and Olinski had moved forward with Antonio. So while Adam had managed to grab Halstead's arm with the glass, he had also become the next target. In one swift motion, Jay slides the glass down the rookies arm, splitting it open. As he looks down at the wound, Jay wraps one arm behind Ruzek's neck and pulls his head down onto Jay's upcoming knee. Adam crumples.
Without stopping Halstead drops and swing a leg out behind him, effectively bringing Olinski to the ground. Voight by this time had gotten over his shock at the turn of events and rushed forward to help his long time friend. He gets there too late, Jay has already delivered a punch to the head, rendering Al unconscious. Hank puts him in a choke-hold. Halstead shoots straight up and claws at the arms keeping him captive. That's about where Voights advantage ends because suddenly Jay to close to a wall and literally, (I'm not making this up. It would have been the coolest thing had the situation been different) runs up the wall.
Yah. That's what I said.
So he flips over Hanks head, forcing him to break the choke-hold. Mr. Spiderman then slams a hand onto Voight neck, on a pressure point I think, and his sergeant falls to the floor with the rest of his men.
Then my partner turns to me.
You've go to understand, there was no pausing between any of these moves. It all happened in less than a minute. My brain can't process shit that fast so I'm just standing there trying to remember how to breath like O_o.
Really. Exact face.
He straightens and walks toward me slowly. When he stop our faces are inches away from each other. He doesn't look at me and I not at him. We just stand there in silence, looking at he nothing behind each other. Something wet and cold touches my hand. Looking down I realize its Jay pressing the blood covered glass into my hand. I look up at him and our eyes finally connect. There is regret in his eyes but no fear. No anger.
Fear.
Suddenly I understand what he was doing at the apartment. He was pushing me away, not because he wanted me to feel like him or because he wanted to be left alone. Because he just wanted me to distance myself from him. He was afraid that he would get me hurt.
"You told me I wasn't good enough, just like everyone else I've ever cared for."
Jay wasn't talking about how people rejected him, he was talking about how people he loved died. Now, because of Will, he thinks that its his fault. That all those deaths are because they were close to him. And because its Halstead being Halstead, he will make sure nobody else dies 'because of him.'
No. He wouldn't. He-...would he?
As he breaks his gaze I know he would. Before I can say anything he slips past me and runs down the stairs, out of the house. I don't turn to watch him go. I know I may never see him again. But I don't look. I just take a deep breath.
And let him go.
Wow that was...I don't even know. But you can finish that sentence in a review. (hint, hint) So the updates are gonna be much more scarce over the next week, (there's that thing called school) but april vaca is after that so this story should be finished by May. :D
Hope you enjoyed!
I gotta go play soccer. BlueJay out.
