The Secret Life of the American Teenager and all its characters belong to Brenda Hampton…


Amy's PoV

Adrian and I sat on the swings as we watched John and Avery run around the playground. They were so free, they had no worries or cares and I hated that they would grow up so fast and enter the real world. I hated that they would have to experience heartbreak at one point in their lives. The situations of the real world could not be prevented or stopped; destiny would have to take its course just like it had with me. Days like this, when I was pondering my son's future, I thought maybe I was meant to be alone. Maybe I was only supposed to be here for John and John only, no husband, no other children. Life hasn't proven that theory wrong yet and I'm only getting older.

Who knew that my life would be such a mess? I was only 22-years-old; I shouldn't be suffering from a crisis. There was so much more life ahead of me if only I could let go of the things from the past. Everyone else around me, all my friends, all my associates, they were overcoming major things and I was still stuck in that bathroom at my house with that pill bottle in my hand while Ricky and my mother banged on the door. I'd left the biggest part of myself in that room. I'd wanted to give up, wanted to throw in the towel, but I forced myself to get better, I forced myself to put on a front in front of my family. I had been so sick of being the center of attention and I didn't want Bob to win, in yet he did. He's still winning, even in death.

There were nights when I would have nightmares about the rape, they seemed so real. I could hear him walking towards me, feel him touching me and forcing himself inside of me. Then I would wake up before the dream ended, and I would cry, sob. I couldn't outrun the past no matter where I went. It was hell. John would wake up to my sobs and run into my room and wrap his little arms around me. I knew he didn't remember and I wouldn't bring it up, I never would.

"How is New York Amy?" Adrian asked pulling me out of my reverie. Looking at her, I could see that she was stressed, no matter how she tried to hide it.

"Adrian, you ask me that every time I come back. We have to get some new conversation starters," I said chuckling lightly. She smiled and slapped my arm playfully.

"Ben's marrying Dylan," she spat out staring at me with hatred in her eyes. "I hate her Amy, I really, really hate her and he's still going to marry her, and he definitely knows I hate her," Adrian said with disdain. There was a look of disgust on her face.

"Ben? Marrying Dylan? How long have they been together?" I said scrunching up my face in disbelief.

"Don't know, don't care… Avery's not going to come second place to some stuck up bitch who thinks she's little miss perfect," Adrian was becoming way to heated, but I'm sure Dylan couldn't be that bad. I mean, I've only met her once and she was nice to me.

"Adrian she can't be that ba-"

"Amy, you don't know her, she is that bad. Everyone thinks it's me, they always think it's me, but it's not. She provokes me and she does it on purpose. On top of that, she doesn't even like Avery and Ben doesn't even care, he's such an idiot," There was a longing in her eyes. Adrian missed Ben, it was that, or she was jealous of his relationship with Dylan. Who wouldn't be? The boy did everything for her, from the smallest things to the largest things.

"Adrian, what's the problem, other than the fact that she doesn't like Avery and are you even sure of that?" Adrian sucked her teeth and looked passed me at the children running around, chasing one another. I could see the love for both of them in her eyes. She turned back to me with a serious look on her face.

"Amy, you sound like everyone else, I know she doesn't like her. I'm not making this up,"

"What reason would she have not to like her Adrian?" I needed to know because it didn't make sense. Avery was so innocent.

"She knows that Ben will do anything for Avery. She knows that even if it's something big or important, like their wedding, that he would drop it for his daughter. Dylan isn't dumb, she knows that even if Ben and I are over, for good, that I would always be before her and she takes it out on my child," I touched Adrian's shoulder to comfort her. She was being so sincere. I wouldn't say she was wrong because I wasn't around when she and Dylan were together. Then, I finally had to ask the question that was eating away at me since we started this conversation.

"Adrian… don't get me wrong when I ask you this… I just have to know so I can try to understand a few things, but do you have feelings for Ben?" She looked up at me in shock. Different emotions crossed over her face and finally settled on… sadness?

"I don't know Amy, I didn't think I did, maybe I just wish that he and I could've had what he and Dylan have now." We sat in silence for a while and looked out into the distance. "Since we're talking about… you know… feelings, I want to ask you this. Do you still love him?" I knew who she was talking about. I could feel my heart trying to pound out of my chest. Chills went up my spine. It was rare that someone would bring him up, especially around me. Everyone's usually afraid of how I might feel or if I'm going to break down, but I've suppressed the emotions that make me feel for him.

"… Uhh… I don't know if I can really answer that right now Adrian. Maybe a small part of me desires him, for him to touch me again, to hear his voice, but I'm not sure if I love him anymore. If you would've asked me that last year I probably would've said yes… but now… I'm no- I'm not so sure," I looked at her and then glanced at John. He smiled at me before continuing to play with Avery. Adrian put her hand on my knee and squeezed lightly. I gave her a small smile.

"Do you think he still loves you?" My smile fell and I looked into the clouds wishing that I could be up there with the birds, flying away.

"I doubt it, if he loved me he would've stayed, he wouldn't have ran away from us," I said referring to John and I. "I mean, he even left his family and it's not like he moved down the street you know, he moved to another state. He doesn't visit John, he doesn't send pictures, and he doesn't call. At first, I thought I could forgive him because I thought that he would come back, that he would realize the mistake he made, but I can't forgive him, ever," I sat on the swing, holding onto the chain with all my might, hoping the pain from the chain would relieve some of the pain in my heart. I reminisced on all the things Ricky had done to me, all the things that he put me through. I'd already been suffering from depression before he left, after he left I was damn near out of my mind. I would ignore John, I would drop him off with my parents for days at a time, I was losing my grip on everything. If it weren't for Ashley, I would still be in that same spot today. A tear escaped my eye and I wiped it quickly, Adrian got out of her swing and wrapped her arms around me.

"Oh sweetie I'm so sorry for bringing this up. All of this is my fau-"

"No Adrian, it's not your fault, it's his. Everything is his fault and I hate him. I neglected everything important to me because of him. I was not a mother to my son for so long after he left. I know it's bad to say, but sometimes, I wish John would hate him too, I wish he understood that his daddy isn't coming back," The tears fell rapidly. Why can't my life just be a breeze, there was always so much drama with me. I was so bitter, so hateful towards Ricky and I didn't want to be, but I couldn't help it. Ricky was hurting me and he wasn't even here. I wonder if he felt the pain that I did.

I hope he never comes back, I hope he stays where he is. I'm sure he's moved on, I'm sure he's found him a nice little girlfriend who does everything for him. She probably threw a pity party for him when she found out about his "troubles". Did she even know about the letters that he sent to John?

Rage was building up inside of me and I couldn't control it. I wanted to let loose on somebody, something, but I knew that wasn't the right decision. Damn you Ricky for making me feel so powerless, for making me fear the future.

Ashley's PoV (Past)

I watched her come in late; this wasn't the first time she'd been like this. I feared that John would wake up one night and see his mother stumbling into the house, drunk out of her mind. I hate Ricky for doing this to her, I hate her for allowing him to have so much control over her life. Adrian had tried to talk to her, but she wouldn't listen. My parents were beginning to give up on her, but I wouldn't. I knew Amy was better than this, better than some depressed chick who sat in bars all day and night drinking their problems away.

Amy gazed at me through her glazed vision. I'm sure she was seeing more than one Ashley. Picking up a cup of coffee, I pushed it into her hands and dragged her into the bathroom. She sipped the coffee and giggled at herself, I wanted nothing more than to punch her in the throat.

"Look at yourself Amy," I forcefully said into her ear. She laughed and began primping herself while looking in the mirror. I would do the talking since I knew the only thing that would come out of her mouth would be stupid. "Look at what you've become, how you've let Ricky turn you into something you're not. Look how you've let the Underwood men corrupt you and recreate you. You're a puppet Amy, you're a puppet to them and they're not even here anymore, they left you, left you attached to the strings. How can they still play you when they don't even care about you," Amy quit her giggling and stared at herself in the mirror. I knew she was sobering up. "Can you even remember who you used to be? Can you remember you had a family before Ricky came along, before John came along? You used to be this happy girl, you were always positive, always ready to conquer the world. What happened to her Amy? You let some selfish guy change your whole life; you fell in love with him and look what he's done to you. First he snatched away your innocence and got you pregnant, he didn't even care about the baby; it took him so long to care. Then, he cheated on you, but you forgave him. Then, after everything that happened, the rape, the depression, the recovery, he left you, left you to fend for yourself in a world full of sharks. He left you and your son and he's so cowardly that he only writes letters, he can't even show his face," Amy stared at herself in the mirror. I could tell that she was becoming angry, but I also knew she was beginning to understand her life. "We're so sick of your drama Amy Jurgens, we're sick of you playing the victim. You are no longer the victim, your son is. I wish you could see his face every time you leave him here, every time you don't come home. He's already been abandoned by one parent, I don't think he needs to be abandoned by another. Get over your fucking issues Amy because we're sure over you," I left her there in the bathroom, looking at herself in the mirror. She stayed there for a while, studying herself. I hadn't meant to be so hard on her, but my feelings began to flow. My emotions that I thought I could control got in the way and I was afraid that she would do something stupid.

That night, I couldn't sleep, I thought about all the things I said and I wanted to go apologize to Amy. I was going to her room, but then I heard weeping, in the bathroom. Amy was still there, looking at herself, her tears soaked her shirt and stained her face.

"I'm so sorry…. I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry," she repeated over and over through her labored breathing. She could barely hold herself up, so she clenched the sink. I couldn't stand there any longer; I burst through the bathroom door and wrapped my arms around her. We sank down to the floor and sobbed together, letting all our pain seep through our eyes in the form of tears.

Grace's PoV

What would I say when I got home? What would I do? I've been gone so long and I'm sure everyone's forgotten I existed. I was such a bitch to everyone and I didn't expect to be forgiven or to be welcomed home in open arms. This was a mistake; I should just go back to Tony and apologize. I couldn't do anything without him. You sound like a victim of abuse Grace. You're better than this, you don't need him. I pushed forward, onto the plane and took my seat. I would not go back to him, I wouldn't let him control who I was, who I needed to be.

Looking out the window of the still boarding plane, I tried to find something to make me stay, but there was nothing here. I'd left everything I needed back in California; I left my friends, my family… I left it all, lost it all. I'm sure things were different now. Amy and Ricky were probably getting married. Adrian and Ben were most likely still together and successful. My mom, well, I don't what to say about her. She probably went back to school or something, I mean, that was her dream. I wonder what Grants doing?

I'd been thinking about him a lot lately, well more than lately, he was always the last thing on my mind when I went to sleep and the first thing when I woke up. I'd loved him, and I made a mistake by turning into a slut. I was just angry, I was tired of being the good girl and I was upset that my dad had died. I didn't know how to feel, so I didn't, I let my body do what it wanted to. I had no say so in the decisions it made, I was just there letting it overpower me, letting it turn me into an addict.

I was so grateful that Dr. Stevens was there to help me. I know sexual addiction isn't something you see often and I would never tell anyone that, that's why I went to rehab. I wasn't ashamed of myself anymore, but I did suffer a few consequences. I'd harbored an STD that I didn't know about that could've been quite deadly. Then, there was the situation before that where I'd decided to abort my baby.

There were days when I would dream about it. I would see it growing up and graduating. Now, I wouldn't even be able to have kids, something I always wanted. I was so stupid, why had I gotten myself in a situation where something so enjoyable turned my life upside down?

Rachel's PoV

I was finally going to meet his family. This was the moment that I've been waiting for since I've met him. He was such a mystery and I loved that about him. I'm just afraid that something is going to happen when we go, I'm afraid that he's not telling me something. I only have a few months to prepare myself for the worst case scenario. My heart is telling me to trust Ricky, but my head is telling me that he's hiding something. Maybe I'm asking for too much too soon, maybe he's going to tell me later, he probably just needs time. He probably doesn't know what to say, how to say it.

"So, you're finally going to meet Ricky's family, are you excited?" My best friend Carla asked me with exhilaration in her voice. She'd known that I wanted to meet his family, she knew how in love I was with him, how I wanted him to be mine and mine only.

"I'm excited… and a little afraid. What if they don't like me?" Carla slapped me on the back a little too hard; she's very heavy handed for a little thing.

"They are going to love you Rachel, what's not to love? You're smart, gorgeous, kind. You're beautiful babe, inside and out," She smiled at me and I returned the expression.

"Thanks Car," Carla and I had been best friends since high school. She was the first one I met down here after I moved from Baltimore. My dad was a military man so we moved around a lot; Carla had been my first, stable, friend. Back then, I wouldn't get too attached to people because I knew when we finally would form a connection, I would have to leave, but she was different, I just couldn't stay away from her.

"And maybe while you two are down there, you'll become the future Mrs. Underwood. Ricky is so in love with you Rach I'm surprised he hasn't proposed yet," Her words scared me because I didn't want him to propose just yet. I was afraid to be Mrs. Underwood.

"Maybe," I said nonchalantly. Something vibrated on the counter and I jumped up from the couch to see what it was. I knew it wasn't my phone because it was sitting on the coffee table where Car and I had been, so Ricky must have left his. I stared at the phone because I wanted to see who it was.

I'm not the type to go through his phone and be all suspicious, but something was telling me to look at the message, to see who was texting him. Slowly I picked it up and unlocked it.

Ricky, we need 2 talk

Adrian


That's chapter 3 so please, please review, tell me what you think of it so far. Also, I'm going to try and answer some questions that you ask, just ask me in the reviews and I'll post them every I post a new chapter… (Also, the will be a new Changing Pace chapter coming shortly, should be here before next week)..R&R!


Here's a Preview for CP

I stared through the glass at my father and I could only see myself. I saw myself sitting there in an orange jumpsuit with a phone in my hand, talking to my wife, awaiting my trial and I realized that I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want to be dictated by a judge or by a few measly guards. I didn't want to risk dying by being shanked in a dirty prison full of molesters, abusers, and killers. Killer, that's what I was, wasn't I? I'd taken a man's life; a man who had a family, who was successful, who didn't deserve to die.

There were nights when I would have nightmares about that particular moment. I would remember how the gun went off, how it made my hand tingle. That was my first time killing someone and I regretted every second of it. I wish I could go back, I wish I could take back everything that I'd done.

Joseph had been so proud of me, he'd been expecting me to do it and I didn't want to disappoint him. He was the first real father figure I had because my real dad didn't count for anything but a sperm donor. I wanted to make Joseph happy, but now, all I feel towards him is resentment.

He waited for me to talk through the receiver, but I couldn't. I wouldn't. He sat there with a light smirk on his face, as though he were happy to be inside such a place. Shit. I slammed the receiver in its place and stormed from the room.