I Can't Make You Love Me
Chapter Three
ARIZONA'S POV
I didn't expect any of that from Eliza. I mean, it doesn't change anything for me, but hearing her say those things really made me smile. It made me smile harder than I thought I would. Knowing that she doesn't see Sofia as a barrier. Knowing that she doesn't think my daughter is a problem…yeah, it made me smile. If only things had been different for us I know we would've been happy right now. If she'd just contacted me once and told me she had to leave, I would have handled that. At least, I think I would. I can't say for sure what the situation would've been if Eliza and I were still together when Sofia came home and then expressed her desire to leave again, but something tells me that it wouldn't have changed anything for us. Something tells me that Eliza would've followed me wherever I went. New York included. If only she hadn't left me how she did. I understand that she didn't want to face anything that happened, but if I meant so much to her, we wouldn't have ended how we did. She wouldn't have left and bumped into me unexpectedly six months later. I know her job allows for her to move from city to city, but that isn't helping right now. After hearing what she had to say a week ago, it's only made me think about Eliza more. Yes, Sofia is my priority, but even my ex-wife has made a comment about how I need to put myself out there. I've been avoiding Eliza for a week because I can't be held responsible for anything I may say or do if I see her.
Maybe I do need to put myself out there, but what's the point? Nothing is ever as simple as I imagine it to be. Nothing ever runs smoothly in my life so I don't believe dating is an option for me right now. One day, it will be…but right now, I'm not so sure. I'm not sure of anything since I found out that Eliza was living in New York and everything feels more up in the air than it ever has before. Yes, I'm happy here but can I be happy alone? Can I be happy with myself when she is two doors away and telling me I meant something to her? I know she hasn't exactly shown that since she left but maybe a conversation with her wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I just…I don't know what to do. I don't want to approach her for this to fall apart again and one or both of us are left hurt. By words. By actions.
Callie and I have agreed that she would take Sofia during weekends providing she didn't have to cover a shift. She's highly respected at the hospital she is at now and they understand that Sofia is the most important thing to her. Sure, she worked harder whilst our daughter was back in Seattle with me, but we are working on a plan and whatever suits is good enough for us. My ex-wife has been great and I'm beginning to wonder if I should've come to New York sooner than I did. Some people believe I'm here to please Callie once again but it really isn't like that. I didn't need to be in Seattle to work to the best of my ability and once the clinic is up and running, I know I'll fall back into a comfortable pace. It's inevitable. My work is my life. My life after Sofia.
Finishing up with the laundry I've been working through for the past hour, I set it down in piles and drag myself away and into the kitchen. Coffee is calling me and I don't plan on doing anything else for the rest of the evening. It's a little after four on a Friday evening and Sofia is with Callie until Sunday afternoon. We've been hanging out together through the week and I think Sofia is probably happier than she has been in a long time lately. She has that full smile on her face whenever we are out as a family and honestly, it melts my heart. Callie and I both have an understanding of what we expect from each other and there is no line to be crossed. Neither of us wants to go back to how we used to be and so long as that doesn't change, there is no reason why we can't do this family thing how we are. There really isn't. It's good to have someone here and if that someone is the mother of my child, then I'm perfectly fine with that.
Drinks at my place tonight. 7 pm. E x
Glancing down at the message flashing on my cell, I furrow my brow and wonder if that message was even supposed to be sent to me. I mean, it probably is but I'm not sure I should go. I kinda want to, but I shouldn't. It will only complicate things further and I don't need any more complications in my life right now. I really don't. I've already spent my entire week thinking about her and if I see her, I will only think harder. Damn it!
Thanks but I'm busy. Arizona.
Well, if you suddenly become unbusy, you know where I am. E x
A small smile curling on my lips, I try desperately to hold it back but I can't. I can't because Eliza has always been pretty good at making me smile and now is no different. No matter how mad I am at her or how hurt I feel by her actions, I guess I'll always have a soft spot for her. Maybe I will head to her place tonight. Toying with my cell, I chew on the inside of my mouth and try to think of a reason for not going by. Sure, we aren't on the best terms right now but is that really a good enough reason? She is my neighbor and we are going to see a lot of each other. Maybe it's best to just let the rest lie for now and at least be friendly with her.
I'll see if I can make it. Arizona.
I guess I should welcome myself to the building, right? If I'm ever going to really fit in here, I should really try to make an effort. Who knows, I may be surprised by the evening if I give in and enjoy myself a little. Eliza and I haven't held much of a conversation since the outburst I had at her door last week but that's okay. I know she gets it and I know that she is sorry. Sometimes sorry isn't enough. I wish it was, but I'm struggling with letting her in again, I really am. I know she wants to fix things between us but I waited for her. I waited for her anger to subside. I waited for her to come round. She never did, though. She didn't come round to anything and I was left wondering where the hell I'd gone wrong. Let it go, Robbins.
You've no idea how great it would be to see you. E x
This is what I'm worried about. I'm worried that Eliza is going to be the one left hurt. I know she thinks I'm going by to see her, but I'm not. I'm going by because I was invited and I'm tired of sitting around alone in my apartment. It's great when Sofia is here but she isn't here right now. I have no excuse. I'm hot and I'm single so yeah, I should be making the most of my free time. I should be enjoying my Friday evening, regardless of who it is with.
Get ready and live a little…
Checking myself over in the mirror before I leave my apartment for the evening, I'm satisfied that I'm looking good but not too good. Tonight is about enjoying myself. Tonight is about letting myself go and just seeing where the evening takes me. Tonight is about me. All about me. Slipping on my black heels, I fix my hair around my shoulders a little better and head for the door. I've heard people arriving at Eliza's for near on forty minutes now but there was a moment when I was prepared to settle down for the evening and not even drop by.
Then I heard her voice out in the hallway. I heard her voice and it somehow made my heart pound harder in my chest. I don't know why and I don't like that it happened, but it did and now I need to see the reaction to spending the evening with her. Sure, I'm not going to be alone with her but judging by how her voice made me feel earlier, that can only be a good thing. As the day has gone on, I've felt more and more torn about my ex. About what she did to me. About what she has said to me since. I just…I want to be happy and I really believed I could have that with her. I believed it, and I'm finding it hard to stop thinking about that possibility again. I'm sure I'm just thinking too much, but I'm actually looking forward to seeing her. I'm looking forward to watching her as she hangs out with her friends, and I'm looking forward to grabbing five minutes with her and just talking. About anything. Nothing serious, just enjoyment.
Stepping out into the hallway, I lock my apartment up and head towards the numbers 317 on the door further down the corridor. Knocking loudly, a bottle of red in my hand, Eliza's door opens and I'm met with the same woman I found my ex with at the coffee shop several days ago. "Hey." She smiles. "Eliza invite you?"
"Um, yeah." I clear my throat. Yeah, she's hot. "Arizona." I hold out my hand. I guess I'm introducing myself to my ex-girlfriend's girlfriend right now, I don't know.
"Ash." She smiles as she gives my hand a firm shake. "Come on in." Stepping aside, she gives me a little more room and I head into Eliza's apartment. I can hear her laugh coming from the other side of the room and Ash immediately calls my ex over. "Someone here for you…"
"Oh, right." Eliza nods as her eyes land on mine. "You made it…" Her smile widening, Ash disappears and my ex approaches me. "I didn't think you would show."
"Figured I could use a little me time…"
"Sofia not home?" She asks as she guides me into the kitchen.
"No, she spends the weekend with Callie." Handing over the wine in my hand, she gives me a thankful smile and sets a glass down between us, the kitchen counter separating us. "Your place is great."
"Thanks, I had plenty of time to do something with it." Her eyes finding mine as fills up my glass, I swallow hard and try not to focus on her eyes. "You've settled in?"
"Yeah, I think so." I give her a small smile and focus on the glass in front of me. "Thanks." Taking it from the counter, I take a long sip and try to calm myself. If I don't look at her all night, everything will be okay. Everything will be fine. "Thanks for asking me to join you."
"I'm amazed you're here." Her hand brushes my own that it resting on the counter as Eliza leans in a little, her elbow propping her up. "I expected a reply, but not the one I received."
"Sorry about last week." I give her an awkward look. "I had no right to show up at your door and demand answers."
"You did." She nods. "You had every right."
"Anyway, tonight is a fresh start." I shake my head. "None of that matters now…"
"It doesn't?" Eliza furrows her brow.
"No." I give her a sad smile. "I'm here as your neighbor. Maybe one day, you're friend." Maybe I came here with other things in mind, but the same woman she was kissing at the coffee shop opened the door to me and I don't want to be a part of anything involving another woman. I really don't. I don't have the patience or the time for it anymore. Her answering the door can only be a good thing for me. It means I can finally get Eliza off my mind…again.
"Right, yeah." She stands upright and clears her throat. "I'm sorry, anyway. If that counts for anything."
"It does." I give her an appreciative smile. "It does." Turning as she is called away, she straightens herself out and takes her own wine glass in her hand.
"Just give me a couple of minutes?" She asks. "I'll be right back."
"Don't worry." I wave her off. "I'm good here."
"These guys are all doctors." She smiles. "Go mingle…" Giving Eliza a nod, I watch her walk away and my eyes land on her perfect ass. No, just no. I know I shouldn't be watching her but I can't help it. If Ash hadn't been here, that conversation may have gone completely different, but she is…she is and I'm not prepared to fight for a woman who walked away from me. They are probably hot together, and I don't have it in me to compete anymore. I just want normal and relaxed. I've had the drama and I'm over it all.
Resting back against her kitchen counter, I glance around the room and find everyone talking in their own groups. I'm sure I'll be a part of that soon, but for now, I'm okay here. I'm okay watching on and going over my own thoughts in my head. It's what I do best, so why change the habit of a lifetime. "You're wasting your time…"
"I'm sorry?" I glance to my right and find Ash standing beside me.
"With Eliza…you're wasting your time."
"O...kay." I turn my attention back to the woman in question and take my wine glass between my teeth.
"She isn't looking for a relationship," Ash says, a scoff falling from her mouth. "All of a sudden." Okay, she sounds pissed. "Don't you hate it when women do that?"
"Do what?" I furrow my brow.
"Blow you off suddenly and just expect you to be friends?"
"I guess so, yeah." I don't even know what is going on right now. I mean, I don't know this woman. If I'm not careful, she will be going over her life story after another glass of wine. "So, you guys were a thing?"
"Mm…" She sips her wine. "Until we weren't."
"Sorry to hear that." I give her a sad smile. "Maybe you could try again?"
"Oh, no." She shakes her head. "It was good, but Eliza has made it clear that she wants to be alone. I don't know what is going on with her, but it's like we'd never even dated. She's suddenly become my best friend and its weird."
"Well, women are complex." I shrug. "We all know that."
"You're right." She smiles as she shifts a little closer to me. Oh, no. Inching away a little, I clear my throat and give Ash a smile.
"So, I'm just going to, you know…" Pointing at the people in front of us, I suddenly find myself moving towards Eliza and I can feel Ash's eyes burning through my back. Don't turn around. She's a lot. Way too much for me.
"Everything okay?" Eliza turns to face me as she steps away from the guys she was talking to.
"You told me to mingle." I shrug. "And your ex is a little weird."
"Don't." She holds up her hand. "Please, don't."
"Is that why you guys ended?" I ask, my eyebrow raised. "Too much for you to handle?"
"She's too full on for anyone." She rolls her eyes and a laugh falls from my mouth. "Arizona, do you think maybe we could grab five minutes at some point?" I can see the pleading in her eyes and yeah, I think it would be nice to spend five minutes alone. Five minutes that don't include any harsh words or raised voices. Just us.
"Sure." I nod, the wine clearly going to my head sooner than I thought. "Come find me when you're free…"
"I'm always free for you." She gives me a small smile. "Let me grab a refill and we will go somewhere a little quieter."
"Okay." Heading back to the kitchen, she grabs the bottle of red I brought with me and motions for me to head to the front door. Heading out into the hallway, I furrow my brow and she clears her throat.
"Sorry, I just don't need anyone interrupting any time I can get with you." Okay, that's sweet. "But I'm sorry, I can't just be your neighbor."
"Yeah, that made me sound like an asshole," I admit. "I saw her and figured you guys were still together."
"No, not at all." Eliza disagrees. "I'm single. Completely single."
"I know that now." I smile. "Did you want to sit someplace?"
"Mm, the corridor floor is your favorite, right?" She rolls her eyes, playfully.
"Actually, I thought maybe my place?" I raise an eyebrow. "But if you want to sit out here…that works."
"N-No, your place is good." She quickly backtracks.
"Just for five…" I sigh. "I know you have to get back."
"Whatever." She shrugs. "They're all adults…they can get their own drinks." Giving me a slight smirk, I miss having this with someone. I miss having this with her. Eliza always was good for me but somewhere along the way, everything fell apart. Somewhere along the way, she believed I didn't care enough for her to stick around.
"Come on in." I push my apartment door open and turn back to find her closing it. "So, you wanted to talk?"
"Yes." She breathes out. "I meant what I said, Arizona. I don't want to just be your neighbor."
"I don't know what else we're supposed to do." I shrug as I shove my hands in the back pockets of my jeans. "I just…you left, Eliza. You left and I didn't know what I'd done wrong."
"You didn't do anything." She approaches me. Usually, I'd back away, but just like six months ago, I find myself drawn to her. "I'm to blame for it all."
"There must have been something…" I give her a knowing look. "You don't just walk out on someone like that."
"I know, but I did." She drops her gaze as she sets the wine bottle and our glasses down on my kitchen counter. "I swear, you didn't do anything wrong. You're perfect."
"That's a lie." I snort. "But you really hurt me, Eliza."
"I know but if you'll let me, I'm willing to spend my life trying to make it up to you…" Her eyes are telling me that she is being honest, but something within me is stopping me from giving in to her. Yes, I wanted nothing more than to be with her, but I'm tired of having my heart broken. I'm tired of being the one who has to pick up the pieces alone. "I know you don't trust me, and you have no reason to…but if you will give me a chance, I swear I'll make it up to you."
"All I wanted from you was a phone call." I sigh. "Something to tell me that you were okay."
"I know and I did come back." Her admission catching me off guard, it almost knocks me off my feet. "I came back but you were dating and I had no right to show up in your life…"
"You came back?" I ask, my brow furrowed. "When?"
"Two months after I left." I move towards the couch and she follows me. "I just wanted to talk to you. Explain everything face to face."
"But?"
"But I watched you leave the hospital with her and I knew I'd lost you." She gives me a sad smile. "I knew I'd totally ruined whatever we had going for us."
"You saw me with Carina…"
"If that's her name, yes." She agrees. "If you'd been alone, I'd have dragged you away from that place and kissed the face off of you. Before I'd have even explained myself, I'd have kissed you because it's all I'd wanted to do from the moment I left."
"Wow." Okay, so now I want to kiss her. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because it didn't matter anymore." She shakes her head. "It didn't matter. I didn't matter."
"You always mattered to me," I say with complete honesty. "You mattered so much and I'm sorry if you felt that I couldn't be the person to see you through it all in Seattle."
"I wish I'd stayed." Her voice breaks. "I wish I'd been there to see you at home with Sofia. I wish I'd had the opportunity to meet your daughter and watch you guys live a happy life."
"Yeah, that didn't last long." I smile. "She missed New York."
"So, you moved back here with her?"
"I did." I nod. "She is my world and I realized that more than ever when she was skipping school and crying to come back home."
"Maybe I will get the chance to thank her one day."
"For what?" I ask, completely confused.
"Bringing you to New York." She smiles, her eyes brightening a little more. "Your life is always crazy busy but I'm so happy to see you, Arizona." She takes my hand in her own and it feels so good. Better than it's ever felt. "I know you don't feel the same way but please, if you ever think you can give me a chance, I'd really like to take you to dinner."
"Maybe we can just enjoy this evening and see where it goes?" I raise an eyebrow. "Just…friends."
"Friends." She smiles as she nods slowly. "If that is all you see with me then yeah…friends."
"It's not all I see with you." I squeeze her hand. "But it is what I need right now." Standing, I pull Eliza up to her feet and straighten myself out. "Come on, everyone will wonder where you are."
"Mm, and suddenly I don't ever want to go back there." She releases a deep breath. "I know we need to talk and just you know, play this how you want to…but I have missed you, Arizona. I've missed you more than you could ever even begin to imagine."
"You're sure you're okay with Sofia being around?"
"Honestly, I can't believe you have even just asked me that." She sighs. "Sofia is your child, Arizona. She is you. If I'm ever lucky enough to meet her, yeah…I'm more than okay with her being around. It was all I ever wanted for you."
"Thank you." I give her an appreciative smile. "Just…dating, when you have a kid, isn't as fun or as easy as when you're alone."
"So, I date you and your kid." Eliza laughs. "Whatever I have to do to show you that I'm here."
"Come on." I throw my thumb over my shoulder. "Let's just enjoy each others company tonight."
"You don't know how much this means to me."
"I do." I breathe out. "Believe it or not, it means just as much to me." I don't know at what point this evening turned around for me, but it has. I'm not rushing into anything with Eliza or anyone else, but right now I'm feeling okay. I'm feeling good about spending the evening with her friends. Whatever else happens, I'll face it in that moment.
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.
