A/N: Hi everyone :) So this is Kurt talking to his mom about his first time, prompted by lilybet29993. I don't know if the original prompt was meant to include the whole episode but I did anyways. I think kurt would have struggled a bit with forgiving blaine and so I wanted to add that. I hope it seems believable in terms of how much information kurt shares with his mom. I hope you like it, especially lilybet29993!
lessthanthree
Katie
ps: so when i write these i picture kurt lying on his back on the grass beside the grave with his hands behind his head. not that this is important information at all. i just thought i'd share.
Hey mom. I brought you lilacs today instead of daffodils. I hope you don't mind; I just had a craving. I've been having a lot of cravings lately, some of them I honestly never thought I'd have. It's weird how something that used to never really register can suddenly become the only thing you think about. I suppose this has been building for a while but it never truly hit until Blaine went too far.
I need to talk to someone about this but I'm scared that they'll over react; everyone's so protective of me these days. It's not just daddy anymore but everyone in glee club too. I need to know that I did the right thing. I feel like I did. I don't regret anything. It's just that I told myself that any boy that pushed would be out the door. Blaine was drunk though. Please don't be disappointed in me for forgiving him simply because he was drunk. I know how bad that sounds. I wouldn't let any of the girls get away with it if they let a guy use it as an excuse but it's different with Blaine. Right, mom? It's just he would never have done it if he was sober. We've been together for six months and he's always a perfect gentleman, always. He's never really even indicated that he was actually sexually attracted to me. Honestly, I was beginning to worry about it. I always knew he loved me but he never showed any interested in anything besides kissing and even his kisses were fairly tame. I'm not complaining; I love the way he kisses me. Anyways that's not the point, well maybe it is, I just don't know any more mom. It's not like Blaine has a drinking problem and you know, he only gets like this when he's drunk but he's drunk every night. It's only been twice in a year. That's normal right? He apologised too and it was probably the most heartfelt speech I've ever heard him make so I forgave him. I'm not being dumb and naïve by believing in him am I? I swear I didn't just forgive him because I was scared to be without him or because it was the easiest thing to do. I did it because I know it was a stupid mistake that will never happen again.
That whole fiasco got me thinking more about sex though. I know it's weird talking to you about this and I might not be able to if you were alive right now but I just need to tell someone. Sex just didn't seem as scary when I started thinking about it with Blaine. It felt right and natural which were things it never felt like before. I just love him so much and I knew he would make me feel safe and cherished and that he would truly understand the importance of it. I couldn't picture it not being with him. I know we may not be together forever but I just felt that our relationship deserved that significance. It's like I didn't want to regret it not being with him. I hope that makes sense to you.
It made sense to me though, so I told him I wanted to be with him completely and it was kinda as simple as that. I suppose I shouldn't get into the details; I don't want to you to die on me twice. It was pretty perfect though. We had the whole night because his parents were out of town. It didn't have to be rushed in the back seat of a car or in some dingy motel room. We got to take our time and reasure each other before really exploring and experiencing what it was like to be with the other person. It was like nothing I could have ever imagined. I swear my skin was on fire and my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I could almost feel the blood coursing through my viens. Everything was just so heightned only to be greated by the incredible, by Blaine. It felt amazing and I don't mean just that part but the whole thing. Feeling his hands and lips on my skin, listening to him whisper in my ear, it was simply breathtaking. He looked at me and treated me like I was the most beautiful and precious creature ever known to man. It was a little overwhelming and yet I wouldn't have wanted anything less. I had always thought sex would make me feel dirty and degraded and used but I've never felt more loved and desired and cared for. It may be naive of me but I feel like we have this bond now, that we're conected in a way that nobody else can break.
I hope I was able to make him feel the same. Blaine deserves it more than anyone. He doesn't have a lot of love in his life. His parents haven't come around yet, not that we ever expect them to, and he's away from his friends. I hate how Finn keeps giving him a hard time. It's really uncalled for and probably makes him feel even more isolated from everything he's lost. I wish I could make him see how much I appreciate everything he has sacrificed for me and how amazing he truly is. I tell him all the time but I don't think it really sinks in because he's been beaten down so much. I also think he likes being in the care giving role and so doesn't know how to let me build him back up. He certainly isn't as confident as I once thought but hopefully Friday night will have opened his eyes a little.
It definitely opened my eyes, wide; they were practically glued to his body. I had never realised how gorgeous he was. He's not super jacked but he definitely has muscle. He's got shoulders that are perfect for gripping and abs and pecks that look naturally formed as opposed to the products of countless hours at the gym. I don't exactly know why but I like that better. I also never understood the hip bone thing until Blaine. He's also got these cute little dimples on his lower back that frame his cute little tush perfectly and I swear those are my new favorite thing about him. They certainly make up for that fact that he's short. Everything about him makes up for the fact that he's short. He's just perfect mom.
I don't think I'm going to tell daddy. I suppose I won't lie if he flat out asks but I don't want really want to hear his thoughts on about it all. I know we broke the rules because I slept over. I know to be safe. I know to respect myself and Blaine. I don't need to hear it all. I don't want that night to be treated like I disobeyed him like if I go out with my friends before finishing my homework. It was so much more important and special than that. I know daddy means well but I just don't think he needs to know about this. You better not tell him when he comes to visit. I think he said he was going to come tomorrow. He's been really busy with all the campaign stuff lately so don't be mad at him if he hasn't been by that often; he still loves you. Carol's great and he truly does love her too but I know he'll always be your prince. I really hope that Blaine will always be mine too.
