I know that this is only taking little snippets of each days but how else could I cram an entire week into a single chapter? It's taken long enough to write this as it is...

The quick edit option is being stubborn so I'm having to use (1) for footnotes. It's not even letting me do dashes for breaks between different sections for some reason...

Please read carefully and decide who you wish to vote off.


DAY 2 - 7.00AM

A lot of people had come, Dibbler couldn't believe it. He'd expected a few, but when the coach had arrived to drop the contestants off at the house, the doors had opened to see a huge screaming crowd. He had been as surprised as they were, and the occasion had been memorable. Carrot had been quite cheery about the whole occasion- just waving to anyone who he knew in particular (which equalled practically the entire crowd), but it was easily visible how red he went when he noticed that more people wanted to shake his hand as he went past than they did the Patrician. Vetinari had been solemn, naturally, and Vimes had walked past as if there were no screaming fangirls surrounding him which each of them had gained for no apparent reason at all.

People had seemed a little confused once the doors closed and the contestants were all gone, as they didn't seem sure whether they were supposed to continue screaming and cheering. However, the crowd had slowly and gradually began to drift away... Over to the moving pictures theatre, where Sol had been stood with a bucket, ready to collect a dollar per person as they came in.

The whole idea about shining light through an Omniscope fragment to project the image onto a screen had worked better than Dibbler could have hoped. In the wall of the House there were been people to tweak the shards stationed behind the two way mirrors, so that the screen would switch from showing one place in the house to another. After all, the people weren't going to stay in one place forever, Dibbler had figured.

However, it had seemed that Rincewind was just going to stay in one place. Upon entering the house, each of them had gone of doing there own thing- the Bursar flapping his arms around like a headless chicken, Carrot generally getting to terms with everyone, Vimes walking around the house and inspecting it as if it was the scene of a crime, and Rincewind sat on his own in a bean bag chair in the corner. Dibbler had never got around to asking that particular contestant about his motives for entering the house, as at the time he had been too preoccupied talking to the much more interesting people. Looking at the man though, it now appeared that he had just wanted a place to stay where he could for a little while be reasonably safe.

DAY 1 - 7.00PM: IN THE HOUSE

Angua looked out of the back door. It was dark, but there had to be a light outside for even times like this in case they all decided to go out for a midnight swim. The Eyes didn't work very well in the dark.

She shut the door behind her as she sat on a red poofy chair, nearby where Carrot and Vimes were also sat. "There's a swimming pool out there," she said, and in a lower tone she added, "And another mirror."

"Gods, they must think that we're bloody idiots not to notice that there are Eyes behind those mirrors," Vimes whispered back. While having a quick look around he had spotted nearly twenty good places for one to be hidden. Why did he want to know? He just did, it was something which the policeman inside him insisted. If he was going to be spyed on he had to at least know who by and where.

"But does it really matter where the Eyes are, sir?" asked Carrot. "We know that people are going to be watching us, but we're not going to be doing anything which people don't want to see."

"You're right, Carrot. Because anything we do they will want to see, especially if we don't want them to. I'm just wondering wether we should tell the others about it."

But it seemed they didn't need to, for at that moment Granny Weatherwax re-entered the room, looking furious. "There's one of those Eyes behind the mirror in the bathroom!" she announced.

"So?" commented Ridcully, who had taken this opportunity to inspect the contents of the fridge.

"People will be able to watch me while I'm on the toilet!" This was obviously a sin as soon as she said it.

"Oh, er, well," said Carrot, his face turning slightly red, "I'm sure that they won't show anything like that, or at least people will turn away..."

"Of course, Esme, it would be ungentlemanly to show a woman brushing her teeth to the public," said Ridcully.

"They're here! Killer sheep are everywhere!"

"Quiet, Bursar," said Ridcully, giving him what he had found to be the most efficient way of calming him in situations like these- A hard smack on the back of the head.

"I don't think there's such thing as killer sheep," muttered Rincewind. This was the first thing he had said upon entering the house. "If there were I would have known."

"But what about if you think of it from the point of view of a blade of grass?" commented Carrot, conversationally. "Then killer sheep would be quite feasible."

"Carrot," said Vimes in a sharp tone, "I've warned you not to talk to wizards. They're not safe, and they make you say incredibly pointless things."

"Sorry, sir."

"Don't apologize, it's just that if you and Angua lose your sanity and join in with the madness I wouldn't know what I'd do. Don't let the idiocy of all this get to you."

Lord Vetinari listened in interest as the nine of them squabbled on about things which to him seemed to be quite pointless. He didn't contribute to the conversations of course- he didn't need to. They seemed to be doing quite well without him and this left him with the opportunity to simply sit and watch as the world went mad around him.

Besides, he knew fully well that if he did say something to one of them they would be stuck and not know how to react. He wasn't being kind in not speaking, he just wanted to save this little trick for later. It should be quite amusing.

"Help! Heeeeelp!"

This was from Rincewind, who seemed to be disappearing. The orange bean bag chair which had seemed innocent enough(1) looked like it was starting to swallow him up like a brick through jelly. Fortunately, a helping hand from Carrot got him out immediately. "Are you all right?"

"Y-Yes, thanks..." he replied, the only person ever to have nearly killed themselves with their own seat.

"Hey Rincewind, that reminds me, where's your thing?" asked Ridcully.

"Huh? What?"

"You know, your thing. Little legs, makes people scream, you know..."

"Oh, you mean the Luggage."

"The what?" said Vimes.

"My Luggage. Erm... it's a box that has little legs..."

It had happened again. He hated talking to lots of other people because the things he said tended to cause people to turn and stare at him, and from his experience he had learnt that it was not wise to draw attention to oneself. "It follows me around, you might have seen it..."

"You remember, sir?" said Angua in an undertone. "A few months ago, ate sergeant Perry."

"Hah! That thing? Well then I expect that the security men outside are going to be having a suprise."


(1)Apart from the colour, admittedly. No piece of furniture should have the right to look so naturally cheerful.
DAY 1- 10.00PM: IN THE HOUSE

The first real problem had arose when people had decided that they were already so sick of each other they would hide it by saying that they wanted to go to bed.

"There's only two bedrooms," said Nobby, it being so ironic that he in particular should be the one to point out this catastrophe.

"Well, I expect that it'll be one for the men and one for the women," said Ridcully.

"Ook!"

"Sorry, I don't think that had primates in mind at the time. But it doesn't seem very fair, does it? I mean, there are two women while there are eight men," He glanced at the Librarian. "...And orangutans," He glanced at Nobby. "...And... no, we'll stick to men and orangutans for the time being."

"Hmph. You can't expect me to share a bedroom with anyone," said Granny Weatherwax, and just to add another hand to the argument she also said, "A woman of my age."

"It would only be Angua sleeping in the same room as you," said Carrot.

"Yes, it's not like Nobby's sharing the room with you, even if he does like to wear a dress half the time," Vimes added.

"That's right," said Nobby, "I mean, how would you feel if I said I wanted to have the room to myself?"

"Actually, that's not a bad idea..." murmured Angua. "Look, it doesn't matter all too much. She can have the room to herself if she wants, I'll just sleep with everyone else."

"Yes, you do that," said the Bursar, who was starting to lightly paddle in the shallows of the present.

Vimes looked slightly doubtful. "Perhaps you should sleep in the living room..."

DAY ONE- 10.00PM

"No!" exclaimed Dibbler, roughly a mile away. "Let her sleep with all the men!"

DAY ONE- 10.00PM

It seemed that Ridcully had a similar opinion to Dibbler, even if he did not know it.

"How dare you suggest that a young woman should sleep on the sofa while we're all in beds!"exclaimed Ridcully, taking an authoritative step closer to the Watchman.

"Well then how about you be so kind as to sleep out here along with all of us so that she can have the entire bedroom to herself?" replied Vimes, causing Ridcully's beard to bristle.

In the end, Granny Weatherwax slept in one bedroom, Angua slept in the other, and all the men and Nobby slept in the living room.

DAY TWO- 11:3OAM

"Congratulations upon leaving the Older Sibling House! How do you feel?"

"Very good, Mrs Jeanis, I'll be sure to contact you if you get the part."

Dibbler watched as the woman walked away, obviously trying to persuade herself that she had done a brilliant job while at the same time demanding her tear ducts to stop working. Somehow these people were just not getting it. Dibbler didn't want your average Mary or Susan with their wet, hopeful expressions for this job, no. He wanted Chloe or Zara, who had a waist you could fit a single hand around and the impression that they had shoved two melons down they're top. A sugar induced hyper activeness would be welcomed, too.

He turned to the next woman. She had quite a nice figure he had to admit, even if it was not hour glass like, but she was wearing an extremely plain dress. Her hair was white with a black streak, yet it was tied up in a tight, no nonsense bun. She looked more like the type of woman to force a handkerchief under your protesting nose at the first sign of a sneeze rather than the type of person to jump up and down in excitement at the sight of someone walking out of a door.

Honestly, were these people not getting the message?

"Name?"

"Susan."

Why did I ask? I should have known.

"All right then. Give me what you got."

She cleared her throat. Why was she doing this? Because she need money, although she hated to admit it. This was said to be the road to fame, so like many others she had decided to take her shot. Everyone was entitled to at least one.

She could do it and hate it at the same time, she had decided.

"Congratulations upon leaving the Older Sibling House. How do you feel."

Dibbler sighed. "Yes, well, we were looking for someone who actually sounded a little interested in the subject."

"How interested?"

"Extremely interested."

"Up to what extent?"

"Up to the extent of raising the roof due to overly high-pitched screams of excitement, I was hoping."

"Fine then." She closed her eyes, and for a second appeared to be in deep concentration. She then opened them.

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! OH MY GODS! YOU'VE JUST LEFT THE OLDER SIBLING HOUSE, AND WE ALL SO LOVE YA FOR IT! OH YEAH! LIKE, WE'RE ALL SO DESPERATE TO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!"

She closed her mouth. "Was that interested enough?"

Dibbler's face was still frozen. He was trying to figure out if his ear drums were still intact.

"Welcome aboard, Miss Susan..."

DAY 3- 7.30AM: IN THE HOUSE

Vimes peeled his cheek away from the one cushion which made all the difference to his bed being the floor. For the second night. Devoid of any objections, the Patrician had immediately dominated the sofa. Vimes had to admit that it was simply plain weird to have the man sleeping in the same room as him. There was no other word for it. Heck, he had never even been sure that Vetinari slept at all.

Rincewind was again in the bean bag chair which had betrayed him once before, and looked like it had decided to slowly consume him in his sleep. Nobby was sprawled out upside down on one of the chairs, while Carrot was sat in the other. You could be given the impression that he wasn't asleep at all the way he was sat, until you got closer and heard the occasional snore errupting from within him. The Bursar was asleep on one of the chairs by the table, his head lolling over the back of it.

Ridcully was also asleep on the floor. For some reason, Vimes got the impression that he had wanted to prove something by doing this.

The Librarian ambled past, his knuckles coming dangerously close to Vimes' head. "Good morning," he said, inching away slightly.

"Ook."

The Librarian continued on his way, and then Vimes realised that he had a towel across his shoulder and he was on his way to the bathroom. Dear Gods, why did the hairy ape have to be the one to get the shower first?

"Well, it seems you've finally decided to wake up!" said a voice, causing Vimes head to turn upwards. Ridcully was stood there, fully dressed, practically radiating the fact that he was an early riser, he had been up hours before you, and you definitely did not see him sleeping away happily a couple of seconds ago, certainly not. "Nothing like an early morning sprint, hmm? Oh wait, you wouldn't know that would you, as you're still in bed."

Vimes rose to lean on his elbows and ran a hand across his face. He was starting to get the impression that for some reason, Ridcully had something against him. "Do you have something against me, Ridcully?" he inquired, in a voice which sounded only too innocent.

"Of course not. There was a little trouble at first when you had to realize that I was the leader of this group, but I think we're through that now."

Vimes' jaw nearly dropped. So was that what this was all about? Ridcully thought that since he was in charge of all the wizards at the Unseen University he was in charge off all the people here? Ludicrous. The whole situation must be getting to him already, he decided. "And so the Patrician isn't included at all in your little view of things, is he not?"

"THIS IS OLDER SIBLING," said a voice suddenly at such a volume it caused any still sleeping contestants to awake with a severe start and the rest to cover their ears. There was then a sound which suggested technical adjustment, and the voice came once again, this time calm and cool. It was a male voice. "This is Older Sibling. Please will everyone enter the living room."

It took a while. They got dressed because they knew they were being watched live and they would be damned before they allowed their underwear to be seen by the public. They eventually all stumbled in, tired and craving coffee.

"It is time for your weekly task," said the voice.

"Task?" said Nobby, speaking aloud everyone's thoughts.

"Yes. Each week you will be issued with a task. If you pass the task you will receive a reward."

"And if we fail?" said Angua.

There was a slight pause. "...Then you will be punished."

A couple of glances were shared. "What's the task?" asked Carrot.

"Over two days a pantomime must be written with help from all contestants. The pantomime must contain a narrator, a chivalrous hero, a sidekick, an evil villain, a dragon and a charming princess. Other contestants must play their role as a dutiful audience."

"Damn you Dibbler!" shouted Vimes.

"All common pantomime rules must be followed and the pantomime must be reasonably interesting. It will be presented on day five at eleven o' clock. Good luck."

At this point Rincewind slipped away into the diary room.

"Er, hello, Older Sibling," he said, sitting himself down, his frayed, faded red robes contrasting with the bright gaudy room.

"Hello, Rincewind," said a man on the other side of a two way mirror. He was very happy. He was paid ten dollars an hour in this job."What are your concerns?"

"...It's just about this task that we were just given..."

"Yes, Rincewind?"

"Well, I'm not a very good actor..."

"The Older Sibling crew is fully aware that contestants are not professional actors and will be marking the performance accordingly."

"Oh, good," he said gloomily. Oddly, he didn't seem all too cheered up by this.

DAY 4- 3.00PM: IN THE HOUSE

"Okay..." said Vimes, after inhaling deeply from his one cigar he was permitted each day. "Let's see what we've got."

"From the beginning?"

"Yes, from the beginning."

Carrot tucked his pen behind his ear, because this is what he knew people to do. Angua couldn't help but smile at this, and the fact that he didn't seem at all abashed. "Ahem. Act 1, Scene 1. Enter Narrator. Once upon a time." He put the sheets back down on the table. "What do you think?"

Rincewind scratched the back of his head. "Ah, well, it's okay but..."

"It's shite," Nobby contributed.

"It's not exactly awe inspiring, but..."

"I thought it was absolutely lovely," said the Bursar clasping his hands together, with a manner which caused all of them to lean away slightly.

"I went to see a pantomime once," Granny Weatherwax announced to the world.

"Did you?" sighed Vimes, exasperatedly.

"Yes. There was a woman pretending to be a man, wearing trousers," she stressed, "Two men pretending to be a cow, and at one point they came out with buckets and got me wet!"

"That's a good point, actually," said Ridcully. "The main male role has to be played by a woman..." They all instinctively turned to Angua.

"Oh, come one, I'm not the only woman in here. What about-"

"I refuse to dress as a man."

"All right then, I'll do it..." she said, defeated. "So who's playing the princess, then?"

There was general discomfort all around, until Ridcully spoke. "Well, it would have to be Esmerelda, wouldn't it."

"I'm 'fraid you wouldn't be the one who had to kiss her at the end, lover boy," said Vimes. "Besides, there're other characters. A narrator, sidekick, dragon and an evil villain, I think it was."

"Well I know who you should play."

DAY 5- 10.45: IN THE HOUSE

"Nice of them to leave us the costumes rather than forcing us to make them," muttered Vimes, picking his way through the array of brightly coloured monstrosities in search of his, which he was sure was the worst.

"Oh, they wouldn't be as mean as that, sir," said Carrot, examining his hat before placing it on his head.

"You don't get it, Carrot. They would."

"How could anyone fight wearing this armour?" Angua queried to herself quietly, examining a breastplate so shiny it practically glowed orange.

"Oh yes, I have to ask you," said Vimes to the huge dress and wig which had been trying to walk past him unnoticed. "Why did you not mind at all playing the roll of the princess?"

The small, sad face of Rincewind looked out from within the golden locks. "I've had a lot of practice in my life running away from things and screaming," he said, with an attempt at a weak little smile. "I should be quite good at it, and this time I should be fortunate enough to be rescued by someone."

Vimes considered this for a few seconds, as he pulled a huge zip up to under his chin.

DAY 5- 11.00: IN THE HOUSE

Some makeshift curtains had been stationed in the living room, but they did nothing to hide the commotion coming from behind. It sounded like another argument had started, and it was inches away from turning into a fight.

After a while Vimes' head poked out from the gap in the curtains, clearly making sure he was not exposing any other part of his body at all. "Ridcully! What're you doing out there?"

"Waiting for the entertainment extravaganza," he answered.

"But what about your part?"

"I decided I'm not doing it anymore."

"What?"

"I'm a senior wizard. Besides, the Bursar hasn't got a part and you don't have any problem about him."

Vimes regarded the other wizard who appeared to be seeing which of his hands was stronger than the other by having an arm wrestling match with himself. He shook his head, and then turned to the last resort. "You."

"Ook?"

"Yes, you. You're in, come on. We'll give your lines to you quickly..."

The orangutan waddled over and through the curtains. There appeared to be a little more commotion. After a couple more minutes of dispute the curtains were drawn apart to reveal the Librarian- a green tie around the region where his neck should have been.

He looked down at the palm of his huge hand where a few words had been scribbled, and then looked up at the four people before him who made his audience, plus the mirror behind them which made the total of people watching roughly five hundred at least.

He took a deep breath.

"Ook. Ook ook ook, ook ook. Ook ook ook? Ook. Eek! Ook ook."

He bowed and walked to the side.

"This should be good," Granny Weatherwax muttered to herself.

DAY SIX- 9.00AM

Dibbler woke up from an extremely good night's sleep. He couldn't believe how wonderful it had been. The plot had been terrible, but people watched as if it had been written by Hwell. The quality of acting had been pitiful, but people had loved the characters as if each of them had been played by the great Tomjon.

He had been quite surprised by the Patrician. Everyone knew him to hate acting of all forms- this could easily be told by the amount of bodies hung up outside of the palace, and the extremities of make up each corpse was wearing. However, he had made a great sidekick for Angua, even if she had felt a little uneasy about telling her ruler to fetch her sparkly sword. Oh yes, they had loved Angua. She had the looks for acting, if not unfortunately the talent. She was too serious for it, however hundreds of people had seen Rincewind blush as she gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

Vimes had been hilarious, probably due to his great effort not to be. Seeing the great 'Vimes the Butcher' wearing a demented dragon costume was something you would only see once in your life. Brilliant.

But that was nothing compared to Carrot. Carrot had been amazing. Yesterday morning he had been a completely different man. It was the large curly black moustache which had done it for him, he decided in the end. Everyone had agreed that he'd managed to get the effectiveness of the laugh to it's peak.

And it was only just nearly the end of week one.

DAY SIX- 4.30PM: IN THE HOUSE

"Did we win, then?" asked Granny Weatherwax.

"Yes, we did," answered Angua.

"Good. What did we win?"

Rincewind who was nearest to the fridge allowed it to swing open. It was completely full of-

"It's beer," said Nobby, walking away carrying as many bottles as was humanly possible for a person of his size.

"Oh good. After doing something as ridiculous as that we get something to make us forget it immediately," said Vimes.

"I thought that you weren't drinking, sir," said Carrot.

"Oh, yes. Silly me. I forgot."

DAY SIX- 4.30PM

"Damn it!" exclaimed Dibbler, banging his fists against the arms of his seat as he heard this. "I never knew he didn't drink anymore! That takes the fun out of everything!"

DAY SIX- 4.30PM: IN THE HOUSE

"Wait, I think I've seen this type of drink before," said Granny.

"Yes. It's beer- quite common in Ankh-Morpork," said Angua, bluntly. She had a bottle too, and was taking a drink.

"I know that," Granny snapped. "What I mean is I know what type it is. It's made in Lancre. Scumble."

Ridcully stopped drinking and took a closer look at the bottle he was holding. "Scumble?"

"Why? What's so special about Scumble?" asked Carrot.

"It's made of apples. Well, mostly apples."

"It gets you absolutely pissed drunk I would imagine," said Vimes.

"Tha's fine with me," said Nobby with a smile.

Angua who had just taken a swig at that moment ran out of the room and into the bathroom. She didn't look like she was feeling too well.

"Will she be all right?" asked Carrot.

"How much did she drink?" asked Ridcully.

"It looked like roughly half a bottle..."

"Well, let's say that the people watching with the Eyes in the bathroom are going to be having an interesting time."

DAY SIX- 5.00PM:IN THE HOUSE

"This is Older Sibling," said the loud voice again, causing them all to jump. "As you know, the Ankh-Morporkian public has been watching your actions livefor nearly a week now."

"Please, don't remind me," said Vimes.

"Tonight we shall be taking in votes of who is to be voted out of the Older Sibling House, and you shall be informed about the results tomorrow. Good luck."

The voice disappeared.

"Good lords," said Vimes, covering his face with his hand. "I never thought I'd be so unfortunate as to have my fate resting in the hands of the good Ankh-Morporkian public."


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