Chapter Three: Hello, Meet Squisher
Hannah
"This sucks."
"Like rotten eggs."
"What is this?"
Dessie leaned over to peer at the black, twisted thing in Hidan's hand. She squinted and, after a minute or so, she said, "I think it might have been a dish towel… either that or a plastic spoon."
Angrily, Hidan rounded on Deidara, waggling the (possible) wooden spoon in Deidara' face. "See! See! This is what happens when you play around with your fucking explosives all the time! Not only do we not get to eat delicious pancakes, but we also have to clean the whole kitchen!"
Dessie groaned and smacked Hidan on the back of the head. "Quit bitching at get to work." She turned to me wearily. "Why do Hidan and I have to clean the kitchen again? Deidara's the one who blew it up."
"Well," I said. "According to Leader the people who befouled the kitchen have to clean it. And since you and Hidan ran around the kitchen in your birthday suits, I think that counts as befouling it."
"I was not in my birthday suit!" cried Dessie indignantly.
"A towel is about as close to it as you can get," said Hidan.
Dessie decided now would be a good time to dump the bucker of ash-and-soot water on top of Hidan's head. As he sputtered himself back to reality I decided now would be a good time to leave the kitchen. I made my way down the hallway to the new living room (this one had a bigger flat screen TV). Kakuzu was slouched across the couch, scanning the newspaper for any recent reports on the black market scandal. Itachi was sitting in the blue lazy boy, reading yet another non-fiction book of his while Tobi sat at Itachi's feet and played with his Hannah doll (curse you Dessie!).
"Hey," I said, taking a seat in the rocking chair beside Kakuzu.
"Hn."
"Hey…"
"Good afternoon, Hannah-Nunu!" cried Tobi, waving at me excitedly from the other side of the room. "Does Hannah-Nunu want to play with Tobi?"
"No." I peered over to see if Kakuzu had found any good articles about the black market scandal. "Anything?"
"Not a single word. It's like they forgot about us completely."
"Awful. How dare they," I said, leaning back. "We ought to pull another scam just to show them up."
"And the large sum of money we'll get from the scam has nothing to do with it?"
"Nope," I said, shaking my head. "Nothing at all."
"Hannah-Nunu…" whined Tobi. "Come play…"
"No."
"Let's play poker," said Kakuzu thoughtfully. "I haven't played that in forever…"
"That would be because no one except Dessie is willing to take you on anymore," I pointed out. "I'm sick of having all my money taken away from me. I'm rich and I want to stay that way."
Kakuzu grunted and returned to his newspaper. Tobi, on the other hand, got to his feet and made his way across the room to come sit on my lap. He giggled and cried, in an even louder, shriekier voice, "Play with Tobi, Hannah-Nunu!"
"No."
Tobi bounced up and down excitedly. "Come on! You have to play House with Tobi and Deidara-senpai! Tobi will be the daddy, Deidara-senpai will be the mommy, and Hannah-Nunu will be our daughter."
"I thought Deidara was the daddy and Hannah was the mommy," muttered Kakuzu.
I debated throwing my shoe at Kakuzu's head, but Tobi started shaking me violently by the shoulders and I was momentarily distracted. I managed a strangled, "Help… me…" And, to my surprise, Itachi got up from his seat and removed Tobi from the rocking chair. I quickly got to my feet and, with a quick 'thank you' to Itachi, I darted out the door in the direction of the only Tobi-free zone in the entire hideout – Leader's office.
I knocked tentatively on the door and, when no one shouted death threats at me. I decided it was safe to go in. The office was much larger than before and the shelves were all neatly organized. Leader sat behind his desk in the middle of the room, working away strenuously. A deep furrow had appeared between his eyebrows as he concentrated especially hard of his work. To the right of Leader, Konan's desk rested perpendicular to his. Konan, however, was not working hard at all, but rather making little paper cranes out of the 'Trash' file.
"Hey," I greeted them.
Leader grunted something that sounded oddly like a greeting, while Konan looked up, plainly relived, and said, "Hello."
"I'm bored."
Konan glanced in the direction of Leader before mouthing "Me too."
I laughed and leaned against the wall, watching as she carefully folded bits of paper.
"Is that fun?" I asked.
Konan glanced up and nodded. "I love origami."
"How long have you been making them?"
A small smile flitted across Konan's face and she said, "A long time. Ever since we were kids…" She glanced in the direction of Leader. "He used to help, but not anymore. Now he's too busy chasing after world peace."
"And where would we find world peace without our every day origami," I said, grinning wickedly.
On the other side of the room, Leader's eye twitched irritably.
"I don't think world peace depends on the creation of origami," said Konan thoughtfully.
"I beg to differ," I said. "Origami is a peaceful practice – no violence involved at all. I bet if every single person sat down once a day and made something out of origami there would be a lot less violence in the world."
"And a lot less trees."
I shrugged. "Some times Mother Nature needs to make sacrifices."
"Do you mind?" asked Leader crossly. "Some of us are trying to work here."
Konan and I glanced at Leader. We lowered our voices to a whisper and continued our conversation. We talked for a good hour or so about very many things. Origami, food, origami, missions, origami, shopping, origami, families, origami (Konan likes her origami very much). Eventually, however, the conversation turned to the most dreaded topic – Zetsu's eating habits (yes, I don't know how we got there either)/
"He wasn't always a cannibal," said Konan.
"I find that hard to believe," I muttered. "I just thought he fell out of his mother… or wherever he came from – and started eating people. Maybe he ate his mother…"
"That's disgusting," said Konan. "I'm pretty sure he didn't have a mother. He was a creation…. Of some sort."
"Orochimaru?"
Konan shook her head. "Of someone else."
"And being a freak-of-nature creation cause him to become a cannibal?'
Again, she shook her head. "His original job in the Akatsuki was to, um, dispose of any evidence that might give our enemies information on the Akatsuki… And, for some reason, he decided to do so by eating the dead bodies."
"That's even more disgusting than eating his own mother."
"Well, anyways," said Konan. "After awhile he just started eating humans on a regular basis."
"And to think," I said. "I'm married to the guy."
"You were drunk…"
"That doesn't make my situation any better. In fact," I said. "It might make it even worse."
"Always look on the bright side?"
Suddenly, Leader slammed his fist against the table and stood up abruptly. He glared around the room at Konan and I, his eyes bright with rage. "You women," he said, as if it were the worst possible insult he could come up with. "All you do is sit around and talk endlessly. While some of us are trying to work, you talk and talk and talk until our ears fall off! Have you ever considered sitting down and shutting up!"
"Someone sounds like he got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning," muttered Konan under her breath.
"Don't start with me," snapped Leader. "I have no issues with sawing your ears off and feeding them to Zetsu. And then I will make you play House with Tobi for the next decade while Hidan and Dessie use your room as a sacrificial chamber. And then, I will take you by the–"
Leader never got to finish his threat. He just sort of stopped, mid-sentence, and trailed off into oblivion. His eyes had snagged on something in the middle of the room, the sight of which had stunned him into silence. Konan and I slowly followed his gaze and found ourselves staring at the most gruesome, horrible, insidious image ever – a glowing blue orb.
Needless to say, we took the most heroic action possible and, with screams and shouts of horror, we pulled Konan's desk over to use it as a shield and cowered behind it, praying that the blue orb was all a dream.
For those of you who may have forgotten, the Akatsuki do not have the best track record with blowing blue orbs. Our most recent encounters as involved – inter dimensional travel, crazy family reunions, blowing up school building, being chased by cops, running into Wargonians, having a massive war with beings from another dimension, and blowing up our old hideout.
Let's just say that we don't like glowing blue orbs very much.
After a good five minutes of crouching behind Konan's desk, Leader decided it was time for someone to be brave. "Konan," he hissed. "Go check out what's going on."
"Why don't you?" she snapped. "You're the leader here, Leader."
I sighed and resisted the urge to slam my head against the desk leg. Why is everyone I know a complete psycho? I got to my feet and peered over the top of the desk. To my surprise, the glowing blue orb wasn't there any more and, in its place, was a small, two-foot high blue gnome.
Yep, you heard me – a blue gnome. And, if I might add, a very cross looking one. He was wearing a brown smock with a scraggly white beard and white hair poking our underneath a bright red baseball cap (apparently our blue gnome was a fan). His arms were folded and he was scowling at the room and tapping his foot impatiently. When he caught sight of me, the gnome grunted, "It's about time."
"Um…" I glanced down at Leader and Konan and said, "It's alright…I think…"
Leader got to his feet and, looking rather affronted, he stared down at the gnome. "Who are you and what are you doing here? Speak quickly."
Konan knelt beside me and gazed over the top of the desk, She blinked and, after a minute or so of staring at the gnome, she said, "Well that's not nearly so scary."
"Did you just say that a glowing blue orb is more frightening than me?" asked the gnome darkly.
"Yes."
"Do you not know who I am?"
"No."
Leader sighed. "I did just ask you that two minutes ago. If you would just tell us, we can get on with the interrogation."
The gnome sniffed haughtily. "This I not an interrogation. I am here representing the great and almighty Four."
"Four?" I asked. "What's that?"
"Not what – who," snapped the gnome. "Four is the almighty lord of time and the fabric of space–"
"Oh no," said Leader, holding up a hand to stop the gnome right in the middle of his tracks. "If you're about to bring another god into the story I will kill you right now. I've put with Jashin and I've put up with Warg – but there is no way in Wargonia, the Fence, or Earth that I am going to put up with Four."
"Four is not a god," said the gnome stiffly. "He is the lord of time and space."
"Because there's a really big difference," I muttered.
"If Four is the god of time and space," said Konan. "Who are you?"
The gnome bristled himself up and said, rather pompously, "Who am I? I am Squisher, the almighty Four's right hand man."
"Squisher…" I repeated slowly. "Um…" I glanced at the two foot high gnome and said, "Have you ever heard of a misnomer?"
Squisher decided it was best to ignore me and instead turned to address Leader. "The almighty Four would like to ask who in this… um…" He glanced around the messy office. "Organization blew up Four's inter dimensional portals."
Leader blinked. "Inter dimensional portals? You mean the blue orbs that cause us a lot of pain and suffering and not to mention a lot of money?"
"Yes."
"Four created them?"
"Yes."
Leader considered this for a moment. "Why would Four see fit to create the orbs in the first place?"
Squisher's face darkened and he regarded Leader icily. "Do not question the motives and wishes of the almighty Four. He does as he wants and no one questions him. Understand?"
A heavy weight seemed to fill the room after Squisher's words. Konan and I exchanged nervous glances, but Leader, however, remained firm and thoughtful throughout the entire speech (perhaps he was trying to redeem himself after diving for cover when the blue orb appeared).
"So what does the, um, almighty Four," said Leader sarcastically. "Want with us?"
Squisher glared at Leader, but, after a moment, he said, "The almighty Four wants to know who has the power to destroy his inter dimensional portals."
"Wait…" I said slowly. "What do you want with Deidara?"
"Deidara?" asked Squisher. "This Deidara destroyed the portals?"
"Yes…"
"Right then," said Squisher. He turned to Leader and said, "Four wants to meet Deidara then – as soon as possible. Deidara is to travel to the top of Mount Lecko to the house of the almighty Four. Deidara has exactly one week to do so. And if he fails…" And with that Squisher uttered the most foul, loathsome, horrible threat imaginable to mankind. It made Leader's threats look like mincemeat and would give me nightmares for weeks to come.
And when Squisher was done with his dreadful threat, he flipped us off and disappeared in a blue orb.
Leader, Konan, and I stood in the office behind Konan's upturned desk. We stared blankly at the spot where Squisher had just vanished, all of us too overwhelmed to say a single word.
A good five or six minutes had passed before Leader worked up the strength to say, "Damnit! Jashin, Warg, God – whoever you pray to – damnit!"
"Are you okay, Leader?" asked Konan nervously.
"Of course I'm not okay!" roared Leader. "Some little blue gnome just threatened the life out of me and order me around, all in the name of his shitty god!" Leader stormed across the room and – for dramatic effect – slammed his fist down on his desk. "Call a meeting! Call a meeting and tell them if anyone is late I will drop him back in Wargonia with nothing but a toothpick to defend himself!"
Mutely, Konan and I headed for the door, but before we could leave, Leader stopped us.
"And if you tell anyone about what happen when I saw the blue orb, I will disembowel the both of you!"
The meeting took less than five minutes to begin. The entire Akatsuki was crowded into the brand new meeting room (never been used before), waiting for Leader to regain himself. The meeting room was a step up from the old one where everyone had his or her own individual seat forming a circle with Leader and Konan's desk at the head. The Akatsuki was in the usual seating order starting on Leader's right with Itachi, Kisame, Dessie, Hidan, Kisame, Hannah, Deidara, Tobi, Kate, and Zetsu, who was directly on Konan's left.
I sat in might seat silently, ignore the questions that bombarded me from either side. I waited, until Leader called for silence and briefly explained the incident that had occurred in office (he left out the gory details). When he was done, the room was filled with silence and no one could quite find what to say – except Dessie, who could always find something to say.
"What the…"
"Squisher is coming for you…" said Hidan is his creepiest voice. "Dun, dun, dunnn…"
Dessie rolled her eyes and slapped him in the shoulder. "You freak, get over yourself. I'm serious here. What in the Fence is this Squisher dude?"
"He's blue," said Kisame. 'Is he really blue?"
"Maybe he's your long lost cousin, uhn," said Deidara. "Family reunion time?"
"Yeah," I said. "But there is the issue of the height difference."
"And the fact that he's more concerned with Deidara," said Kisame. "No one I'm related to would give a rat's ass about Deidata."
Deidara grinned broadly. "You're just jealous, Fish Fry. I'm so powerful that even the lord of time and space is interested in me. Who's interested in you, Kisame? A skinny girl with short blond hair, a face that turns red far too often, and the inability to heal anyone."
"I'm not that bad…" said Kate weakly, while Kisame tried to get out of his seat and pummel Deidara to death. Fortunately (or unfortunately), Itachi pulled Kisame back down into his seat and Deidara was spared.
"Shut it, all of you," said Leader wearily. "I have a plan."
"Really?" I muttered. "That's a first."
Leader decided to ignore me and continued talking. "Deidara is going to go to Mount Lecko and meet this almighty Four."
"Really?" said Deidara incredulously. "Why?"
"Because," said Leader, a malicious grin spreading across his face. "You're going to kill this Four and his minion."
Silence.
"Hell yeah!"
"When can we get started?"
"Can I come too?"
I sighed. Yep. This is the Akatsuki. We're all for violence and destruction – killing gods isn't a problem for us, or, at least, we don't fear it.
Leader silence the crowd once again. "I have already decided who is going to go with Deidara."
Deidara looked practically disappointed. "I don't get to kill Four on my own, uhn?"
Dessie was excited and was practically bouncing up and down in her seat. "Do I get to go? Do I get to go? Pick me! Pick me!"
"Kate, Tobi, Hannah, and Itachi – you're going with Deidara."
Dessie looked heart-broken. "Why not me?"
"Because," said Leader. "You and Hidan still have to finish cleaning the kitchen."
A/N: The almighty Four. He is NOT a god. He is the lord of time and space. Get it right. And yes, this story does not follow the Naruto plot. If you want the Naruto plot - go read Naruto. If I follow the Naruto plot, I will get things wrong and get a bunch of complaints and have to fix things. If I make up my own plot, no one cares.
Squisher and Kuchacha was the name of two goldfish that a five-year-old girl and I created while playing a game. I used Kuchacha in the last story and now it is time for Squisher to make his appearance along with the almighty badass Four. I would like to dedicate this chapter to Akatsuki-Girl who helped with the creation of Four - you see, he makes an appearance!
REVIEW! OR the little, blue Squisher will come, and find you, and DESTROY YOU IN THE NAME OF ALMIGHTY FOUR!
