Disclaimer: I don't own Beyblade.
Okay. I need to say something before I start writing this chapter. I do not see suicide as something to write about nor laugh about and treat as though it is merely words on paper (or in this case, on screen) I do see suicide as a point in someone's life when they feel mentally/physically/emotionally unable to carry on in life, as is the view of my character. I DO know what it feels like to be brought to that extreme, so believe me, I am not taking this lightly.
Friday 10th October 2003
Kari cut her wrists this morning.
We're not allowed to go see her in the hospital. We're not allowed to leave the mansion, so the authoress and her muse have gone. Chang is still in shock, staring at the floor while Emma tries to coax her to speak, and Amejisuto hasn't stopped crying yet. It's not a loud sort of crying either, she did that earlier; she just sits there and the tears roll down her cheeks.
The others are still whispering about it in their little groups, keep glancing over at her friends, and the question I hear the most is 'why?' True, they whisper, she was hardly the most sociable of people, hardly the most open, we know next to nothing about her, yet did she really want it all to end that badly?
No one has the answer to that question.
The corridor I've settled in is empty and silent at the moment. The only people I see go past is the occasional muse, but all the others are sat in the bunkroom as they wait for that phone call SC promised them. To be honest, I don't think half of them really care, but they'll feel … I can't describe it. Maybe they'll think the others will be shocked at their attitude, their stone cold hearts, and maybe they fear what the others will think, say to them. It's understandable; we all act a certain way to please others, don't we? Act happy when we're sad, act like it doesn't matter when your heart is bleeding, cover up what you feel for fear of what people will think, even if they don't know you. I feel like that a lot. But no, can't talk to anyone about it, can I, have to shove it all down, suppress it all so it wells up in my chest and explodes in a tidal wave of misery, anger and jealousy when it all becomes too much.
I actually found someone to talk to. Someone who knew I loved Mariah, but didn't know what I did, so I don't feel like she's wary of me, or judging me. But no, something has to happen to take it away, so she's lying in the psychiatric ward of the hospital, and if I go to see her on my own, I'll have to put up with sneering remarks of 'Lee's got a crush', 'Madison's gonna be crushed', and the such like. I feel like ripping my hair out, lock by lock, strand by strand, leaving it all in a black carpet on the floor. And I feel like screaming at the sky as the rain falls all around me, thunder and lightening shaking and streaking through the black clouds. I hate being what I am: I'm a pathetic obsessed fool, a near rapist, a pitiful excuse for a human being who dares to even dream that something cold happen to make it all go away, when I know there's only one way out. I'm not ready for that yet. Someone would find me if I tried, and now that the authoress is watching me, I can't even sneeze without her knowing about it and dashing to my aid with a box of tissues.
What have I done to deserve this?
I don't mean my current state of affairs. I mean what did I do to deserve being born as me, Lee Ren? Did I do something in a past life that was so terrible that they sentenced me to this lifetime that anyone could describe as hell, pure and simple? I never asked to loved my cousin, want her, need her, need her so much that I feel like I'm going to die from it all. I never asked for my best friend to take her away from me. That was one of the reasons why I was so against him when he left our team, every single sentence containing the words 'Ray', 'traitor', and 'payback', because if he hadn't left, I wouldn't have done it at all.
Damn you.
I sound like such a toddler. You must think that I'm such a pathetic idiot, and I don't blame you. I've just been going on and on about how much my own life is fucked up, what have I done to deserve it all, blah blah blah. It's so full of shit it makes me want to laugh. I wish I'd never started writing this… but I can't help feeling that I need to write all this down.
… I need some time to think. I can't write any childhood memories down today… I don't feel like I have the energy right now. The only thing I have to say now is … I had a dream last night. Not a nightmare. A dream. And I saw myself, about five or so years from now. I didn't see much of that dream, because everyone woke up when Mariah screamed what had happened to Kari. Brief flashes of a few adults who looked very familiar, children laughing, voices talking in a low buzz in my mind, but I could only hear two words properly, clearly. Dakaru and Karli.
I don't know who they are. I've never heard those names before. But for some reason, these names are printed, branded into my memory, so I'm just going to store it away until it resurfaces when I think I need to remember. I need to ask SC about it … as much as I might feel less than happy to see her at times, I think I really do need to talk to her now.
Authoress notes: SC bashing. You have to love it.
I just need to say a few things. One, Lee and Kari are not going to be in a relationship anytime soon unless I lose all control of my senses. They've only known each other for a couple of days after all. Two, Dakaru and Karli are actually two very important names in this story, but they won't be in this story for a while yet. Three, I know I'm making Lee go slightly overboard in this, but that's the way this story goes. Four … I know Lee and Mariah are actually brother and sister, BUT I am going to continue this story as if I never found this information out, as I had started writing this a LONG time before I found out and since it is too deeply woven into my other story, I am simply going to make this slightly AU in the facts that Lee and Mariah are cousins in this story, and any stories I write about them unless specifically stated I have written them as siblings.
Thank you JPC for supporting my writing and being one of the only people to review my fanfiction. I swear that I am going to continue this fanfiction, because I have been watching Beyblade once again and getting completely obsessed over Lee's character (again.) I also need to find the new address for the Redblade board (dammit, where did that go.)
SC MyHeartBleeds
