A/N: Sorry, forgot to post this yesterday!

-o-

All eyes at the table swivel to Sheik, with looks varying from hope to disbelief to bloody murder. You can guess which one belongs to me. Then, in the long silence, all eyes swivel to me.

'…No,' I manage to spit out eventually. 'No! No way! Why the hell would I help Link to score with some utter bitch, pissing off the most homicidal guy in our neighbourhood along the way? What's in it for me?'

'The chance to be a good neighbour?' Link asks hopefully.

'Pssh! You'll have to try harder than that,' I tell him, getting up from the table and walking towards the door.

'The chance to be a good friend?' Link asks again, and I pause, my back to him.

'...No. No, not even for a friend. I'm sorry Link, I'm not doing it. I mean, what makes you think I'd be any good at that sort of thing anyway?'

'You always play matchmaker for our friends at school,' Sheik points out.

'That's different. There I'm pairing up people who have a natural affinity for each other. Which, you have to admit, Link and Zelda don't. And besides, this isn't just about getting Link and Zelda together, it's about splitting Ganon and Zelda apart, too! Ganon'll kill me!'

'He doesn't need to know you're involved,' Sheik says calmly.

'Alright, then he'll kill Link! Is that any better?' Link looks like he's about to answer this, but I interrupt him.

'And haven't you lot forgotten the bigger problem here? I mean, hello, the moral issues with this are pretty big. We're breaking up two people who, for all we know, may be absolutely perfect for each other, causing both of them untold heartbreak, just so we can set one of them up with our friend, which may end up making everyone involved even more miserable than they were to start with! No, I'm sorry, but I'm not doing it. Find someone else.'

And with that I storm out, running up to my bedroom and locking myself in. Then I throw myself on the bed and lie there until my heart has stopped pounding.

-o-

There's a tentative knocking at my bedroom door.

'Go away, Sheik!' I yell, not getting up from my bed.

'It's Link,' the voice outside my door replies.

'Oh.' There's a pause while I mentally recalibrate. 'Go away, Link!'

'Won't you even consider it?'

'How many times? No! I told you, find someone else!'

'But-' I growl and throw the nearest thing I can grab at the door. Since the nearest thing I can grab is a pillow, the desired effect is somewhat reduced. Link, hearing only the faintest of thuds, continues.

'Please, Tetra. I was talking to Sheik-'

'Oh, were you? How nice! Since the two of you are such great buddies, he can help you woo Zelda. In fact, why don't the two of you just save time and go out together? Better still, skip the formalities and just get married! But whatever you do, leave me out of it!' Link sighs.

'Don't you want the chance to annoy Zelda and Ganon? I know you hate them.' There's silence while I consider this. Although I'm not going to admit it, Link does have a point. Ganon and Zelda have both bullied Sheik relentlessly since we first met them almost ten years ago, although they soon learnt to fear my anger and steer clear of me. They certainly deserve a bit of heartbreak as revenge for all they've done to my brother. The chance to get back at them by ruining their relationship is tempting, but it's still not enough for me to stick my neck out on Link's behalf.

'No. Nothing doing. Now go bother someone else!' I yell back at Link. He sighs again, but I hear dejected footsteps leading away from my door. I do feel bad for crushing what is likely Link's only hope of being with the so-called girl of his dreams, but he only met the girl yesterday. I don't believe in love at first sight, and I definitely don't believe that Link loves Zelda enough for me to get killed by Ganon. He'll have to sort out his own love life.

-o-

The ship slows as it approaches the island, until finally it bumps gently against the rocky shore.

'Wait on the ship until I give you the signal,' I tell Gonzo. The large man doesn't look happy about the idea of letting me go ashore all alone on this uncharted island but I ignore him, jumping from the side and landing in the raging surf. The island is pretty small and looks uninhabited, but I'm not fooled. Anything could be hiding behind the palm trees: sailors, other pirates, or even monsters. But the reassuring weight of my short sword at my waist reminds me that I'm more than a match for anything I might encounter.

As I creep round a rocky outcrop I see a house of some sort, made out of a gigantic conch shell turned on its end. There's an opening at the bottom and I tiptoe inside, nearly falling into a hole in the floor. I look down into it but it's all dark, the contents a mystery. Still, it's large enough for me to fit through, so I guess there's one obvious way of discovering its secrets.

But suddenly I hear loud voices behind me, and my head snaps back to where I left the ship. I sigh in annoyance as I turn away from the shell house. Clearly my crew are unable to keep themselves out of trouble for even a few minutes. But the voices don't sound right. One of them is female, and I'm the only woman on our ship. It sounds very familiar…

And suddenly the dream world in front of me vanishes, replaced by the inside of my eyelids. I grumble to myself, cursing whoever it was who woke me. I was really looking forward to finding out what was down that hole.

'Hah, look at her. Lazing around, just like always.' It's the same voice, female, sharp and nasal. Only one person I know has a voice like that.

'Hello, Zelda,' I say wearily, opening my eyes. She's standing in my front yard, a few feet from where I'm relaxing on the grass. Next to her, arm draped casually across her shoulders, is Ganon. 'And who exactly gave you permission to invade my front yard?' I ask, propping myself up on my elbows. Zelda just laughs, but the smile doesn't reach her eyes.

'You're always such a drama queen, Tet.' I growl under my breath. She knows how much I hate that nickname. She only uses it to get a rise out of me. Well, I'm not going to give her the satisfaction. With an effort I prevent my hands from balling into fists and stare her straight in her stunningly clear blue eyes.

'What do you want, Zelda?'

'Oh, nothing,' she says nonchalantly, flipping her hair over her shoulder. Yeah, that's not very likely.

'Since when do you pay social calls?' I ask, but she ignores me. I shift my glare to Ganon, who's smirking at me. Something is definitely wrong here.

'By the way, what is it with that weirdo brother of yours and that new girl?' Zelda asks, and immediately I freeze. Sheik and Aryll. I'd forgotten about them. Out of the corner of my eye I scan the yard. No, Sheik's bike isn't here. That must mean he's still out with Aryll. But they've been gone for hours now. What's taking them so long?

'We ran into them in the park,' Zelda continues, apparently not noticing my concern.

'Literally,' Ganon mutters, and Zelda giggles.

'What do you mean, literally?' I ask, narrowing my eyes. 'What did you do this time?'

'To them? Nothing. And it's not our fault they happened to leave their bikes in such a bad place. It was only a matter of time before someone crashed into them. And Ganon was… distracted.' It takes a moment for her words to sink in, but when they do I leap to my feet, striding across the grass to Zelda. She must have seen the look on my face, because she takes a few hurried steps back and Ganon steps protectively in front of her.

'You utter bitch,' I address Zelda, venom dripping from each syllable. She narrows her eyes, but has the sense not to insult me back.

'Come on Zel, let's go,' Ganon says, taking Zelda's hand. She smirks at me and tosses her hair again, before walking off with the boy.

'See you next time, loser,' she yells back as she goes. I close my eyes and focus furiously on my breathing. In, 2, 3… Out, 2, 3… Breathe. Once I've stopped shaking from rage a different part of my mind finally gets my attention, and I whip out my phone, dialling Sheik's number with shaking fingers. My heart pounds as it rings, but eventually there's a voice at the other end.

'…Hello?'

'Sheik! Are you okay? Tell me you're okay!'

'I'm fine, Tetra. What happened? Why are you so panicked?'

'I just met Zelda and Ganon. They mentioned something about your bikes, and running into something. But you and Aryll are okay, right?'

'Yeah, we're fine. But now we know who did it.'

'Did what?'

'We left our bikes by the parking lot while we went to get ice cream, and when we came back they were flattened. It looked like someone had run over them with a car. And now we know who that someone is.' My breathing accelerates as my hands curl into fists. Of all the senseless, petty…

'Just as long as you guys aren't hurt,' I say with an effort. But that's not Zelda's style. She wouldn't get Ganon to actually hurt anyone, since they could both get into a lot of trouble for hitting a little girl like Aryll with a car, especially given Ganon's track record. But flattening a couple of bikes? Humiliating, pointless, and very annoying. Much more like her.

'We're fine, really. But we'll be walking home, so it'll take a while.'

'Okay, I'll let Link know,' I tell him, hanging up. I turn towards Link's house, when a thought suddenly strikes me. Earlier the thought of annoying Zelda in some trivial way wasn't enough of a reason for me to help Link. But now… I look back down the street at Zelda's retreating back.

'You want a fight?' I mutter under my breath. 'Then game on, bitch.'

-o-

'Right! Now listen up Link, because I'm only going to say this once. If you want to get the girl, you're going to have to be smart about this. Since you've never had a girlfriend and seem to have about as much natural ability to woo the fairer sex as a carrot, you are incapable of being smart about this. So I'm going to have to be smart for you. Which means you listen to and obey my every order. Understand?' Link nods, slightly stunned from my rant. After I told him I'd changed my mind and decided to help him, he immediately came over to my room, where we're now working on our plan of attack.

'Good. Now, to do this, we need to follow a three-step plan. Step 1: reconnaissance. We need to know what we're dealing with here. That means finding out the situation with Zelda and Ganon. Just because they seem to be spending a lot of time together, doesn't mean they're an item. We can't afford to just guess this. We also need to find out more about Zelda: her likes, dislikes, and in particular which of those categories you fall into.

Next, Step 2: making her jealous. Nothing makes a girl like Zelda want something more than being told she can't have it. For this step, you're going to have to pretend that you are totally uninterested in her. I know it'll be hard but believe me, once she thinks you're not into her she'll be all over you.' At this point Link raises a tentative hand, looking very confused.

'Er… why?' I sigh theatrically.

'Because! Zelda is used to having guys swoon all over her. But if she meets a guy who apparently isn't affected by her charm, she'll start to get worried. She'll think, have I lost my touch? What's so amazing about this guy that he thinks he's too good for me? And trust me, she'll do anything to prove this amazing guy wrong and make him go out with her.

And that leads us smoothly onto Step 3, the most important: the big date. Once we know Zelda and Ganon are split up, and Zelda is suitably obsessed with you, you need to ask her out. But this is difficult. If you drop the whole act and give her the kind of puppy love you've been using up until now, she'll lose all respect for you and turn you down. But if you act too aloof, she'll think you're not serious and also turn you down. So we need to walk that narrow line between the two.

Now, we're working against a deadline for this one. At the end of August – the 22nd, to be precise – there's going to be a party. It's held every year by one of the guys at our school, Pipit. Anyone who's anyone is going to be there, and anyone who's anyone is going to bring a date. If you turn up with someone to that party, it can safely be assumed that you two are an item and will be for the foreseeable future. Basically, if you want to broadcast to the world and to Zelda in particular that you two are together, you have to get her to go to that party with you.

So, today's July 27th. That means we've got a little under a month to get from where we are now – which is Zelda thinking of you as no better than the dirt on her shoe – to where you want to be – which is Zelda thinking the sun shines out your ass. Link, we've got a lot of work to do.'

-o-

I look up from my comic when I hear the front door slam. I leap up and race downstairs, taking the stairs three at a time and clearing half the flight in one leap before tackling Sheik into a hug.

'Thank Din you're okay!' I tell him. He seems bemused by the attention, but recovers quickly.

'Er, yeah, I'm fine. Why are you so worried, Tetra?'

'Why wouldn't I worry? You are my brother, after all. It's my duty to take care of you, since you clearly can't take care of yourself.' Sheik smiles, but looking more closely at him I can see that he's exhausted. The long journey back from the park on foot must have tired him out.

'And how's Aryll? She wasn't too upset, was she?'

'No, not really. She said her bike was getting old and she was going to ask her uncle for a new one for her birthday anyway. We're both fine. How was your run-in with Zelda and Ganon?'

'Not great. But I've got the perfect revenge plot. Listen.' I briefly explain my idea to help Link, including the three-stage plan. 'I'm going to need help from you and Aryll as well. Come up to my room, we'll go see Link and we can all sort out our jobs for tomorrow.' Sheik raises his eyebrows in surprise.

'Tomorrow? Isn't that moving a bit quickly?'

'The sooner we get revenge on Zelda, the better. And anyway, we've got less than a month until Pipit's party. It's going to take Link a long time to woo Zelda, so we need to get started. Now come on.' I lead him up to my room where, to my surprise, Link and Aryll are already waiting.

'I told her about your plan,' Link explains. 'She wanted to help. I told her there was nothing she could do, but…'

'No, there probably is something you can do,' I tell the downcast Aryll, making her immediately perk up.

'Really? What?'

'You can help us find out more about Zelda. If Link, Sheik or I go around asking questions Zelda will get suspicious. But you're small and cute. You can find stuff out for us. Like what Zelda thinks of Ganon and Link, and any other gossip you can pick up. Do you know anyone you can casually ask about that?' Aryll thinks for a moment, before her face brightens.

'There's a girl who lives a couple doors down from us, Romani. I met her yesterday, and she invited me over for tomorrow. Her older sister, Cremia, is one of Zelda's best friends. I bet I can ask her some stuff!'

'That's brilliant, Aryll!' I tell her. 'And meanwhile, Link and I will get started on stage 2. The one where Link plays hard-to-get.' Link sighs and passes a hand over his face.

'Tetra, I'm not sure about this. I don't really know how to-'

'Don't worry, I'll show you! It's not hard. And you have to try it. I mean, your way wasn't exactly working, was it?' Link grunts noncommittally. 'Don't try to deny it, it wasn't. So now you'll have to try my way. Tomorrow morning, you are going to make Zelda jealous like she's never been jealous before.'

-o-

The next morning I'm awakened by a soft tapping on my windowpane.

'Ugh… Go away!' I shout, although it's barely audible through the pillow I hold over my face.

'Tetra? You did say we were going to start work today,' says Link reproachfully. I sigh as my brain rises from the mists of unconsciousness. I did say that.

'Fine. Give me ten minutes.' I quickly eat and dress, then head over to Link's house, only to find him already waiting outside the front door.

'So… how exactly are we going to do this?'

'We need to show Zelda that you're not interested in her. The first thing to do is to draw her attention to that fact. Let's see…' I look around the deserted street, thinking. To be perfectly honest, I've never done this before, so my knowledge of seducing a girl on someone else's behalf is entirely taken from the very few romantic movies I've watched. Still, Link seems to think I know what I'm doing. That makes one of us.

Suddenly I catch sight of a figure coming down the street towards us: the mailman. He waves at us as he passes, then goes across the street to Zelda's house, carrying a parcel. As he approaches the front door inspiration strikes, and I call out to him.

'Hey! Is that parcel for the Harkinians? Yeah, they're not in. But I'm their neighbour, I'll hang on to it for them if you like.' The mailman looks suspicious for a moment, but in the face of my sunniest smile his expression turns to gratitude and he hands over the parcel. I wait until he's out of sight before turning to Link.

'What do you think's in here?' I ask, giving the parcel a shake.

'Hopefully nothing fragile,' Link replies. 'So why exactly do we need Zelda's parcel?'

'Because it's not a parcel, it's an excuse. An excuse to talk to her, and in doing so show her that you're not interested in her.' Link frowns.

'But surely lying about a delivery so as to have an excuse to talk to her is exactly what I'd do if I was interested in her?'

'Yes, but it all depends on what you talk about. There'll be no puppy eyes this time, no pathetic smiling, no fishing for offers to be invited in. You're just going to go over there, ring the doorbell, hand her the parcel and leave. Act like it's the last thing you want to be doing, and definitely don't get sucked into any small talk. Reply to any of her questions with the shortest answers you can think of – you can even grunt, if necessary. Don't worry about coming off rude, that's what we're going for here. Don't make eye contact, don't smile, just shove the parcel into her hands and go. Think you can manage that?' Link swallows.

'I-I'll try. Just give it to her and get out as quickly as possible, right?'

'Exactly. Look at it this way. Is there anyone you really hate, someone you'd do anything to avoid talking to?'

'There was this guy called Ravio at my old school. He was awful. Always hanging around me.'

'Right. Now, when you see Zelda, imagine that instead of the girl of your dreams she's this Ravio guy. That should help.'

'Okay, I'll do it!' I smile to myself as Link takes the parcel from me and heads determinedly across the street. He certainly seems confident. But this is the moment of truth. Link was right before, Zelda could see this as him looking for an excuse to talk to her because he has a crush on her. If he messes this up, it's going to make it a lot harder to make her jealous. But I have faith in him. Well, a little.

-o-

I hold my breath as Link rings the doorbell. He waits outside the door, looking bored. Excellent work so far. The door opens and every muscle in my body tenses as I see Zelda standing there. Her eyebrows go up slightly when she sees who it is, and she rolls her eyes. But her expression changes to one of surprise when Link shoves the parcel into her hands, says a few brief words of explanation, then spins on his heel and walks straight back towards me.

Zelda calls out to Link and he stops, and for one horrible moment I wonder if he's going to drop the cool act and ruin everything. But I can see the disdain clearly on his face as he folds his arms, practically glaring at Zelda, and she starts to stutter. I grin as I see how thrown she is by Link's new attitude. It's as though the wolf has cornered the sheep, only to find the sheep sporting a set of teeth that put the wolf to shame. Link's beating her at her own game.

Still, Zelda makes a half-hearted effort, gesturing back to her house and asking Link to come in, but he just snorts, actually snorts, and turns away from her. Zelda closes the door slowly, confusion evident in every line of her frown. Link starts to speed up once she's gone but I motion to him to slow down, as Zelda could still be watching. But when he finally reaches me he can't contain himself.

'That was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life!' he whispers, making me raise my eyebrows.

'Seriously? How easy has your life been? The mailman does what you just did every day, and I don't hear him complaining.'

'Yeah, but the mailman doesn't have crush on Zelda,' Link says, lying back on the grass. I bet he does, I think to myself as I lie back next to Link. After all, everyone else does.

-o-

A/N: Hope you enjoyed! Next chapter will be up tomorrow!