I Can't Love You – You Don't Exist

Captain of the 10th Division Tōshirō Hitsugaya

Head of the S.P.K. and L's successor Nate (Near) River

A/N: Sorry it's been so long between updates! It took forever to get this flashback right. Gods. But I am sorry, please enjoy! My writing style has changed a little, so please review!

A/N#2: Thanks to 4everbrisingr for posting these for me! She is wonderful and excellent!

Dedication: To Mello, Happy Birthday! We miss your craziness!

Warning: Same as before: shonen-ai/yaoi and spoilers for both series.


Near was still fuming over his conversation with Mello when Commander Rester poked his head into the room. "It's time to retire for the night, Near. Are you ready to head back to the hotel?"

"Yes," Near sighed. He hadn't gotten as much work done that day as he would have liked between Mello's teasing and thoughts about Tōshirō. Near suppressed a groan. It seemed that since that man entered his thoughts again, he wouldn't leave. The commute back to the hotel was a quiet one, Rester could tell Near had a lot on his mind. Once in their suite, Near retired to his rooms with only a mumbled goodnight to Rester. He changed into pajamas and climbed into bed, but he could tell sleep would be a long time coming. Giving in, Near let his thoughts drift to Tōshirō, something he had been trying to avoid all day. But here, in bed, with his defenses down, it was hard to keep control of his thoughts. Rather, they had control of him. His mind went back over those years, the stolen moments, the nights the spent together…Near drifted off to sleep with a small smile on his face.


Tōshirō was sitting on the roof of the home they had found to live in for the next few weeks while they sorted out the situation. The humans who normally inhabited this house were away on vacation somewhere and wouldn't be back for a long time. Everyone else – Ikkaku, Yumichika, Renji, Rukia, and Rangiku – were all downstairs laughing and chatting while cooking diner. He had stayed down there for a while, but the happy atmosphere had become too much for him. Coming back to this place raised a lot of old memories. So Tōshirō had escaped to the roof, trying to clear his head and retain his icy focus. No one noticed him leave, but if they had, they would've chalked it up to his normal introspective behavior. No one knew his secret, the real reason he kept up his icy sheen. The only person who knew was – "Gin," Tōshirō spoke suddenly. A chuckle answered him from a dark corner.

"Ne, Hitsugaya-taichou, you guessed right. How'd ya know I was here? I thought I was hidin' my spiritual pressure rather well."

"Ah, but I was expecting you Ichimaru-taichou, and seeing as it is impossible for anyone to completely hide their spiritual pressure (A/N: except Ichigo! ), I would've picked up on the slightest pulse." Gin smirked as he walked out of the shadows to meet him.

"Well, ain't we just a super special lil' guy," he said. Tōshirō turned his icy gaze on him and spoke in a voice just as cold.

"What do you want Gin?"

"Tut-tut," Gin waggled his finger at him. "I'd be nicer ta the one person who knows your secret if I was you. Do ya 'member dat afternoon, 'Shiro? That was fun that was…"

Izuru Kira walked into the headquarters of the tenth division with a message to deliver from his own taichou. Knocking on the door of the main office, he heard Rangiku's voice bid him enter. Walking inside he was greeted by her. "Well, hello, Kira-san. What can I do for you today?" Kira blushed at the familiar way she addressed him.

"Matsumoto-fukutaichou! I…ah, I have a message for Histsugaya-taichou from Ichimaru-taichou. Is he, is he here?"

"Yep!" Rangiku said brightly. "Go on back!" Kira bowed and made to move into the other room. "Oh, and Kira-san?" He turned back towards her. "There's no need to be so formal with me. We've known each other for a while now." Kira blushed again and walked quickly back into the other room. The young Captain of the 10th Division looked up as he entered.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Message for you from Ichimaru-taichou." Kira stated holding out the sealed missive. "I am to wait for a reply," he continued as Tōshirō broke open the letter. Nodding absently to him, Tōshirō quickly scanned the brief note, surprise flashing once in his eyes before he reassumed his trademark icy demeanor. He rolled the message back up and slipped it into his sleeve.

"Send my regards to your captain, Kira-fukutaichou, but tell him I shall have to decline his offer," he declared as he walked back to his desk. "You are free to go," he added as he sensed the lieutenant hesitating in the doorway.

"Um, well, a-actually, Histsugaya-taichou, I-I'm not supposed to take no as an answer," he said his voice trailing away to be barely audible at the end. Tōshirō looked at the flustered man and sighed.

"Fine!" he snapped. "Tell him I'll be there later!"

Kira bowed and with a mumbled, "Yes, Hitsugaya-taichou," he fled from the room. Tōshirō gave another angry sigh as he sat down behind his desk, wondering why on earth that fox-faced bastard (sorry gin fans!) wanted to have tea with him.

Later…

Tōshirō straightened his captain's haori as he waited for Gin to answer his knock. He still didn't understand the point of this little tea-time that Gin had orchestrated. Then the door opened and the man himself was there, his ever present smile firmly in place. "Greetings, Shiro-chan, won't ya come in?" Tōshirō let waves of angry spiritual pressure roll off him as he stalked past Gin into the room.

"Thank you, Ichimaru-taichou," he said pointedly.

"Aw, there's no need to be so formal, Shiro-chan," Gin replied as he followed the younger captain into the room. "After all, it's just us."

"Yes, but unlike some people, I actually follow the rules."

"Aw, ya wouldn't happen ta be talkin' 'bout me would ya Shiro-chan? Ya know I always follow the rules." Tōshirō sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Was there a particular reason why you invited me here, Ichimaru-taichou?" Gin just smiled at him and gestured to the chair in front of his desk. Tōshirō raised an eyebrow at him but Gin had already disappeared into another room. In a moment, he returned, carrying a large tray containing a gleaming silver tea set. He set it atop his desk; completely disregarding the paperwork piled there and began to bustle about, fixing the tea. Tōshirō was surprised. Wasn't it sort of…feminine…to have a tea set? But then again, he wasn't one to question Ichimaru's motives. No one did, not unless they wanted the full force of that creepy smile turned on them.

"Sugar, Shiro-chan?" Gin asked pleasantly. Tōshirō glared at him.

"No, thank you, Ichimaru-taichou," he replied in a last-ditch effort to correct Gin's speaking habits.

When he received no reply except the question of "Cream?" he decided to drop the matter for now and move on to finding out the real reason for why he was here.

"What is it that you wanted to talk to me about, Ichimaru-taichou?" Tōshirō asked as he took the steaming cup of tea from his fellow captain.

"Drink up," was Gin's cryptic reply, his creepy smile still on his face. Tōshirō raised an eyebrow at him but obligingly took a sip of the tea. As soon as it washed over his tongue, he began to feel strange. His body felt oddly light as if he could float away, right out the window. He also felt oddly happy, as if he didn't have a care in the world. "Are ya feeling alright, Shiro-chan?" Gin asked a knowing gleam in his eyes. Tōshirō turned slowly to look at him, a dazed and faraway look in his eyes. Gin chuckled evilly. "Excellent," he said, "its working. But, just to test…What's your name?" he asked the white-haired boy in front of him.

"Tōshirō Histsugaya," he replies in a curiously monotone voice. For some reason this pleased Gin to no end and he had to control his laughter to force out his next question.

"And tell me, Shiro-chan, what is your biggest secret?" Tōshirō seemed to sigh and then, with a deep breath, he began to tell the story of a strange, white-haired boy named Near.