When the sun finally rises I feel like I'm dead. I haven't slept at all; I just sat here all night, outside in one of the fancy gardens. The plants and paths aren't kept well, it looks messy and chaotic. I sit on one of the steps, knees bent and hands in my lap. They're still shaking.
The accident with Orochimaru is still on my mind but it doesn't haunt me. I could have seen it coming and in a way I did. I was just caught by surprise. I'm ashamed it came that far. I still feel his hands on my throat, his head so close to mine. God, I feel disgusting.
'Sasuke, dude.'
I turn to see Suigetsu coming down the steps. He's dressed in formal blue. It makes his stormy grey eyes stand out.
'What, Suigetsu.'
He trails his hand through his silver hair and looks at me funny.
'Where were you yesterday night?'
'In my room.'
His eyes catch me.
'After the feast. I went to your room, you weren't there.'
Goddamn it, he always has to dig.
'I don't have to explain myself to you, now go.'
'It seems you're even more 'reserved' than usual Sasuke.'
He sits down next to me and looks into my eyes really deeply. I stare back for a while but it starts to piss me off.
'What was Orochimaru doing in your room?'
I wish he would leave me alone. It's painful enough as it is, I don't need him getting involved.
'You shouldn't have been there.'
God I'm so frustrated, I want to kick and punch someone. Anyone for that matter but one guy especially. Then I scowl because I promised myself I wouldn't think about him again.
'You know I just wanted to make sure you weren't lonely.' Suigetsu whispers in my ear while he drags a finger across the small of my back.
I can't stop a pleasant shiver from running up my spine and act on it. My hand shoots out and grabs his arm. I push him down onto the stone floor and straddle him pinning his wrists. He looks up at me surprised at first but then the expression makes place for a cheeky grin.
He moves his wrist but I keep them steady on the stone tiles. The sun has fully risen now and I feel it hit the back of my neck. It shines on him under me, lightening him up like the sun. His silver hair shines gold. I lean closer. He lifts his shoulders from the ground and stretches his neck awkwardly to reach my lips. When they finally touch the reflection of the sun changes and he's Suigetsu again. Pale and silver beneath me. Not him
I pull back immediately. Get off him. I don't feel like lying. He doesn't move for a while. I can see he's confused by the way he blinks his eyes. But then he sighs because he's used to my moods; everyone always has to settle for them.
I stand up and walk away leaving him, frustrated and confused. It seems as if I can do nothing but leave people behind, and go where they can't follow.
The dungeons are not entirely dark, but not light either. They are lit by white lights, some are broken. People go mad with this kind of lighting. It creates shadows but doesn't illuminate enough. Some blotches are left unlit and that is where the monsters and demons hide, is what the prisoners say. Others places are entirely filled with sick pale light so they can't sink away under the comforting blanket of the night.
I walk with a confident stride through the hallways. There are room and passages on either side of me as I walk by. Some are occupied with white, insignificant people who bear dark, distressed faces but most of them are empty.
As I come closer to my destination I slow my pace, unconsciously. I'm almost standing still when something tugs at my cloak. I look down and see a face through the bars. It's vaguely familiar but hard to place. Her face is feminine, as is her body. It slopes in some places and her hands are fastened on my sleeve by elegant wrists. She's on her knees.
Then I realise that beneath the dirt and blood her hair is pink and the bruising on her eye hides a soft green. She tries to breath but fails and coughs, recovers, inhales with a wheezing sound. My hand goes down to grip her wrist forcefully. Her hands are tied together with string. She doesn't let go when I apply pressure.
'Wh-where… is…he.'
She whispers, chest heaving, her hands grab mine.
'You …tell me how…'
I pull my hand back forcefully and put her to sleep with two fingers in her neck. She belongs in the memories, she shouldn't have come, but she did and I'm not one to show mercy or understanding. She's not the one I want to see right now, here. Foolish of her to come, she couldn't still love me after what I put her through. He knew Naruto wouldn't stay and linger, but wouldn't she?
I follow the hallway as it grows narrower and darker. My eyes have remembered every turn since when I filled my days with wandering and exploring. Just as they have remembered this door; its colour, its texture, the familiar creak when it opens.
'Sasuke?'
He sits on the mattress on the floor, if you can call it that, piece of cloth and feathers perhaps, his knees up to his chest. His voice is weak. I can't seem to look up. I don't want to meet his eyes; I'm afraid of them.
'It's really you.'
He states while getting up, walking towards me and stopping just a breath away. I fight the urge to lunge forward or back down, I just stay perfectly still.
'Please just…'
His hands reach out but don't touch me.
'Look at me.'
I look up and have to fight to keep my gaze neutral. They're the same blue I remembered, even brighter. Sakura had once said that she gets lost in my eyes because they're so dark, like staring into to pots of shining ink, she has no idea.
His palms stop skimming my clothes and grab them. I freeze and close my eyes. He hugs me hard, his face in my neck, his tears wetting the skin there. For three years I had to miss this. For three years I have been missing out on his touches and smiles. I forgot how hopelessly addicted I was to them.
'Stupid bastard.' He mutters against my shoulder.
That's it, too much. He's like a drug, just breaking me down while I'm loving it. He distracts me and always has. I can't afford that. My hands find his collar and roughly push him back so he hits the wall opposite of me.
'Don't touch me.' I whisper.
His face falls. He doesn't move against the wall, not even to stand up straight. His mouth forms an ugly sneer.
'You left me. I was going to forgive you because I hoped it'd be easier after a while; living with you rather than living without you, even though you're sick in the head and the heart.'
He tries to calm down, stares at the floor now. The words he spoke strike me deep. They're so true. I am sick, and I did leave him.
I open my mouth but no sound comes out. In absence of my answer he turns around and lifts his hands to his hair, fisting it in exasperation. He shuts his eyes hard.
'Did you just come here to torment me? Does this mean nothing to you? What about last night then. Was that all an act too?
He has to know, I tell myself. I have to let him know. It's not okay and I can't just stay silent and still this time. He doesn't deserve that. If he suffered as much as I did then I can't forgive myself that easily. Naruto is someone who believes in hope and courage and friendship and love, in all the good in the world. He forgets that sometimes things can only be evil or get worse; he forgets that sometimes you can't just forgive, forget and go on.
So I move and grab his arm. He looks at me surprised and furious, tries to pull free, but I've waited too long to let him go now. I can't help but think that it used to be the other way around, and that it should still be like that now, but it's not. He punches me in the face, I let him of course. It hurts a lot but that's okay because I deserve it.
He hits me two more times; my face will have a lovely blue colour later. So there he is, attached to me and not resisting anymore. My grip slackens and now it's not a grip anymore, just touching, reassuring.
'I'm sorry for not stopping when you asked me to.'
The apology is fitting.
'You told me there at the end, that we shared a bond. I told you I'd break it. Did you realise, you had to realise I was lying.'
He looks at me with that strange look, like he knew that all along. Then he says:
'Yeah well, I always knew you were a lying bastard, it didn't stop me from following you over this edge. I never really listen to you anyway.'
'Thank god you're like that.' I reply, and I almost smile.
I can't pull it of, but I think he knows I tried. This place just isn't meant for smiles. This place is dangerous and serious, which is why I remind myself of the issue. I'm supposed to get him out of here, and Sakura too I guess, if he insists. So I tell him I have to go get some stuff to break them out, and he begs me to be careful. He begs me to come back. I don't think he trusts me but he has that right. I haven't given him a lot of reason to do so.
