Chapter 3
I'm Still In Love With You
"Carl?" Rick said gently, bringing attention to himself.
Both Michonne and Carl opened their eyes at the sound of the new voice in the room. Michonne's eyes locked onto Rick's. Even with that ridiculous beard, he still stole her breath.
"What's wrong?" Rick asked.
He was talking to his son, but he couldn't take his eyes off of the woman that was holding him. She was just as stunning as he remembered. Her beautiful brown eyes held his own equally beautiful blue ones, until they didn't anymore.
Michonne had to make an effort to not look at him. Her Rick. He was just as beautiful as she remembered. But, she couldn't concentrate on him right then.
"Carl. It's okay," she whispered as she gave him a squeeze and gently pushed him off of her bed. "Talk to your dad."
Carl looked panicked at the idea of telling his dad what he knew…what he felt. He frantically shook his head and wiped his eyes.
"What is it son?" Rick's focus finally rested on his boy, and he instantly became worried. "Are you hurt?" he asked as he reached out to his son.
"No," Carl said, sniffling. He looked at Michonne once more, almost as if to make sure it really would be okay, like she'd said. Michonne gave him a sweet smile and nodded.
"It's going to be okay." She mouthed the words to her new friend as if no one else was in the room.
Rick looked back and forth between the two, hoping someone would let him in on what exactly was going on. He wouldn't have to wait any longer though. Carl turned and looked up at his dad.
"I…I know mom wished I was dead after I got shot," Carl said, letting the tears that were welling in his eyes stream down his cheeks.
"Jesus," Rick whispered. "Son, she didn't really…"
"Yeah, I know," Carl interrupted. "Michonne said she probably didn't mean it, that mom was just scared, but…"
"But what, Carl? Talk to me."
Rick desperately needed his son to confide in him. He needed to be there for Carl the same way Carl was always there for him. Except, they weren't alone this time. Rick could feel his neck trying to turn his head in Michonne's direction and it felt like a physical fight to keep that from happening. He needed to concentrate on Carl and he certainly didn't want Michonne to hear anything about Lori. Not after all that had happened between Michonne and himself. Not after the way they ended.
"But, I knew that she'd said it when I had to...kill her. That was the last thought I had before I shot her. She wanted me dead, but I was alive and, and…"
Carl couldn't finish his sentence. He was crying too hard.
Rick grabbed his son by his quivering shoulders, and hugged him almost to the point of pain. Carl slowly encircled his dad's waist with his arms and cried into his father's chest. Rick didn't know what to say. He had no idea his son was harboring such thoughts. Rick had known Carl felt awful because he had to put his own mother down, but this was way past just feeling bad. Rick realized that his son felt guilty because he'd somehow convinced himself that he'd killed his mother out of retaliation for the horrible thing she'd said.
Rick tried to ease back a little so he could talk to his boy, but Carl gripped him tighter, not wanting to be let go. Hugging his boy tighter to reassure him that he was not going to let him go, he looked around for the lone chair in the room and walked himself and his son over to it. Rick sat down and pulled Carl into his lap. He couldn't remember the last time they sat like this together, and it nearly broke him. Carl allowed himself to be lowered down into his dad's lap and buried his face in his neck.
"Carl, I need you to listen to me, okay?" Rick said softly. "When your mom said that, she didn't mean that she wanted you dead. The worst thing for a parent to suffer through is their child being hurt. Your pain is my pain, was our pain. To see that your baby is in agony, and there's nothing you can do about it, is a misery like no other kind. Lori said what she said because she didn't want you to suffer anymore. She didn't want you to be in any more pain."
"But, you didn't hope I would die to end your suffering," Carl said quietly.
"No, no I didn't," Rick admitted. "Your mother was…very upset Carl. With everythang that happened, she just couldn't accept what was happening to us, to the world, and it, it turned her into a different person."
Rick thought about what he went through with Lori and his best fucking friend, Shane, and winced.
"She was selfish Dad," Carl said, finally looking into his father's eyes. "What happened to the world didn't turn her into a different person. It just helped us to see the kind of person she always was," Carl said sadly. "I loved her, and I know you did too, but sometimes, I wonder if she ever really loved us back."
Again, Rick didn't know what to say. Carl was painfully observant and his son's perception of his mother echoed his own, in a way. Then, Carl wiped his father's tears from his face (tears Rick hadn't even realized he was shedding) and hugged him around his neck.
Hershel and his daughter Maggie were standing in the doorway, witnessing what was transpiring between Rick and his son. Hershel was all ready to explain to Rick that, even though he said he didn't want anyone in the infirmary who didn't absolutely need to be there, he had to bring Maggie because he needed to bring Michonne something to eat and he couldn't carry her plate and walk with his crutches at the same time. But he could see plainly that an explanation wouldn't be necessary anymore. He looked over at his patient and saw that like him and Maggie, Michonne was crying as she observed the father and son clinging to each other. Hershel tried to walk over to Michonne without disturbing Rick and Carl, but he noticed that her wound was bleeding.
"Oh my God, Michonne. What happened?" he asked her, effectively breaking up the depressing scene.
"When I came in here, she was on the floor," Carl said pulling himself out of his father's lap. "I helped her up, but she really hurt herself. I was gonna go and find my dad, but, I got kind of sidetracked," he said sheepishly.
Though she didn't say anything, Maggie wondered why Carl wanted to find his dad rather than hers.
Now, to Michonne's discomfort, all the attention was currently on her.
"I was trying to make it to the bathroom," she lied. "I'm sorry I got a little careless and fucked up all your hard work," she said. "Sorry Carl," she said, apologizing for the cuss word.
"He's heard worse and I'm sure has said as much when I'm not around," Rick said, ruffling his son's hair affectionately. He'd made his way over to Michonne's bed when he heard Hershel worrying about her wound.
Rick looked at Michonne, desperately wanting her to look back at him. To acknowledge his presence. She didn't oblige him, and his shoulders fell a little. Michonne was suddenly very interested in her bloody bandage. The silence in the room was palpable, and Carl wasn't making it any better, looking back and forth between his father and his new friend. Hershel, thankfully, brought the awkward situation to an end.
"Well, I'm gonna have to stitch you up again. The first time, you were blissfully unconscious. This time, you won't be so lucky. So, I'm apologizing now for what's about to happen," he said.
Michonne looked up at him gratefully.
"It's okay. If I'd done what you told me to in the first place, I wouldn't have to go through it. I'll be okay. Just do what you have to do."
"Come on Carl. Let's give them some privacy," Rick said to his son, though he still hadn't taken his eyes off of his Michonne. He hesitated in following his own instructions for a beat, still trying to somehow silently will Michonne into looking at him. Just once. Just a glance. Something.
Finally, he started walking behind Carl with his hands on his shoulders, leading him out. When he got to the door, he stopped.
"Michonne?" Rick called out to her tenderly.
After she managed to handle the way he called out her name with a little dignity, she raised her eyes to look at him. When she did, Rick felt as if the sun had just risen.
"I'll be back for you," he said softly, and guided his now smiling son, out the door.
As they walked back to the cell block, Rick had to push Michonne to the back of his mind so he could concentrate on Carl. He'd done it before, and honestly, it didn't feel any better now. It was difficult. He still couldn't believe she was here. Not only had she survived all the madness that ended the world, but she somehow found her way back to him. He was certain that finding him wasn't her intention, but he didn't even care. All that mattered was that she, his Michonne, was here.
He wasn't doing a very good job of pushing her to the back of his mind.
Rick and Carl made it to Rick's cell and they sat on the cot together.
"Where's Judith," Carl asked his dad.
He knew they were about to have a heavy conversation and needed to distract himself from it. For just a minute.
"Beth has her. I asked her to keep Judith with her tonight," Rick said, appreciating the diversion in conversation himself.
Carl smirked at his dad. "Where are you gonna be?"
Rick smiled at his smart-ass son. "I'm gonna have a talk with my…with Michonne. Speaking of that, what exactly were you doing in there today anyway? I know you remember when I asked everyone to stay clear of her."
Rick didn't want to scold his son, not after the day they'd just had, but he needed Carl to follow directions.
"I'm sorry Dad. But, after you told me about her last night, I just wanted to meet her. After I'd sat with her last night…"
"Last night? You went to see her last night too? Carl," Rick sighed. "You shouldn't have bothered her, son. She's wounded and was probably trying to process what the hell was going on."
"Yeah, I know, but she was asleep when I got there. I didn't wake her up or anything. I just sat there and watched her. She did wake up on her own though and I got her some water. She was nice."
"How many questions did you ask her?" Rick asked chuckling at his precocious son.
"Just one," he answered. "I only asked her what her name was."
Carl didn't even want to think about the question he'd asked her a few minutes ago. It caused her some pain and he regretted deeply doing that to her.
"But, I'd already told you her name."
"You didn't seem too sure," Carl said cautiously.
He didn't want to bring up his dad's slight breakdown, but he didn't want to dance around it either. He had a feeling that today, he and his dad were going to lay it all out there.
Rick ran his hand through his marginally curly (and way too long for him anyway) hair as he thought about what his son told him yesterday. Essentially, Carl had told his father to get his shit together.
"I'm sorry about that Carl. I hadn't seen Lori walking around the prison in weeks, and when I saw Michonne, I thought it was starting again and I sort of panicked."
"You seem okay now," Carl said, smiling at his dad.
"I'm okay. Are you okay?"
"I feel a lot better since I was able to say out loud how I felt about mom and what happened to her."
Rick opened his mouth to reassure his son that what happened to Lori was not his fault but Carl started talking before he got the chance.
"I know Dad. I know what happened to her, happened because she was gonna die in childbirth. And, even though I was thinking about what she said when I had to shoot her, I know I didn't kill her out of meanness because of it. It had to be done. Maggie had Judith so I had to do it. I know all of these things in my head, but sometimes, I don't know, I just feel weird about it. I'm sorry I said she was selfish earlier. She basically sacrificed herself for Jude, and I didn't mean it. I mean, she was a little selfish, but, in the end, she wasn't."
Carl sighed as he let how he felt, out. He wanted to be done with the whole thing honestly, but he still had something he needed to discuss with his father. Regretfully, he looked at his dad and braced himself for the question he was about to ask and the answer he could possibly get.
"Dad?"
"Yeah son?"
"I don't want you to get upset, but I need to know something."
Rick looked at his son and nodded his head, letting him know that it was okay to ask. He wasn't even going to try and guess what that 'something' could be. There was no guessing when it came to Carl and his questions.
"Do you think Judith is really yours?"
"Shit," Rick thought to himself. This was something he'd wanted to avoid discussing with Carl, or anyone else for that matter.
When his father didn't answer right away, Carl began to explain why he was asking that question.
"When I realized that mom and Shane were together right after everything happened, I hated them both so much for doing that to you. I didn't want to believe that I'd never see you again and I couldn't understand why mom had given up on you so quickly. I figured out it was because she was scared and I guess she thought she needed Shane, but I still hated them. I felt like the both of them were doing you wrong. I still feel that way sometimes," Carl said quietly.
Rick didn't want to tell his son that even after he'd found him and his mom, that Shane and Lori were still fucking around. Carl was feeling a certain way about his mother, and with time, Rick was sure that his feelings toward her would soften. They wouldn't though, if he told him that small tidbit, so he didn't even focus on that.
"Jude is mine Carl. She's ours, and that's it. Even if I'm not her biological father, and I'm not saying that I'm not, but even if that were so, she's still my daughter. She's a Grimes," Rick declared for his son.
Carl smiled up at his dad. "Okay."
"Now, is there anything else we need to talk about? Get out in the open?" Rick asked, silently praying that Carl would let him off the hook. Of course, his prayers went unanswered.
"Do you still love Michonne?"
"Shit," Rick thought to himself. Again. He'd basically asked for it when he opened himself up to more questions. But, he wasn't going to lie to him. Not to Carl.
"I never stopped loving Michonne, Carl. She was everything to me at one point in my life. I…I think Lori may have known. She didn't know about Michonne, but I believe she sensed that my heart wasn't really hers. I tried so hard to love your mom the way I did Michonne, but it was impossible. You can't transfer love from one person to another. I did have feelings your mom, but, I shouldn't have married her. I believe that my heartbreak at losing Michonne manifested itself into anger toward your mother and it wasn't fair to Lori. I resented her for not being someone else, and no one can live up to an impossible expectation like that. In the end, your mom and I weren't happy. Even before the world took this horrible turn. But, in the beginning, I wasn't happy and that damaged us before we even had a chance. It was my fault and I'll never forgive myself for it."
Carl put his arm around his father's shoulders. "I forgive you Dad."
Michonne was doing her absolute best to not cry out, but every time that needle poked through her flesh and drew the stitch through the hole it had created, her resolve weakened.
"Almost done Michonne. You're doing great," Hershel said.
It seemed to Michonne that he had been saying he was almost done for fucking hours, but there still seemed to be no end in sight. Plus, here she was at another low point and it seemed Mike had abandoned her.
"You don't need me," Mike said. "You're one true love is here." Even dead he could still pull off 'snide' like a pro.
She opened her eyes and Rick was there. She was clutching the sheet, but he grabbed her hand and squeezed.
"How many more Hershel," Rick snapped. He was instantly sorry for his harsh tone, but he couldn't stand to see her in pain. "Sorry," he said to the older man.
"Only two more," Hershel answered. He didn't give credence to Rick's attitude. He thought he understood why Rick was being so testy anyway.
Rick turned and looked at Michonne. Her eyes were closed tightly, and she was biting her bottom lip to keep in the screams.
"Hey," he said softly to her as he wiped the tears from the side of her face. "It's going to be okay. You're at the home stretch now babe."
He didn't mean to call her babe. It just, slipped out. However; she either didn't notice, or didn't care. She just nodded her head and bit down harder. Rick rubbed downwards on her chin to gently pop her lip out of its prison of teeth.
"You're gonna hurt yourself," he said as he let his thumb stroke her tortured lip.
She turned her head to stop his caress. She couldn't let him do that. She also let go of his hand and grabbed at the sheet, readying herself for the final stitch and accompanying pain.
Rick was hurt that she didn't want him touching her, but he understood. So, he just stood close to her. Not touching, but close enough so she could still feel him.
Finally, Hershel was done. Michonne gasped in relief and so did Rick.
"Now, the next time you have to go to the bathroom, someone will assist you, okay? I'm sorry there was no one here for you the first time," Hershel said to Michonne.
Then he turned to Rick. "Maggie and Sasha are going to help me while Michonne is here." Hershel waited for the argument that he was pretty sure wasn't coming, but you never know when dealing with Rick Grimes. He didn't get one though.
"That's fine," was Rick's only reply.
Rick wasn't listening to Hershel. Michonne and Rick were staring at each other and Hershel couldn't tell if they were gonna go for the kiss or the kill.
"I hate you," Michonne hissed at Rick.
"I know, but I love you," Rick replied.
Seemed like it might be both.
Hershel tried to make himself busy, and scarce.
"You don't love me. You couldn't possibly. Not unless you're some kind of sadistic fuck, because you sure could hurt me," she said.
"I know My Own. I know I hurt you, but I do love you," Rick said.
Michonne gasped when she'd heard her old moniker. Rick used to call her My Own. She used to call him My One. She thought it sounded ridiculous now.
"Don't you fucking call me that. I'm not 'your' anything anymore!"
She let out a loud sob when she finally allowed herself to verbalize what made her hurt the most. It still fucking hurt her that she wasn't his. Still, after all these years.
"But, you are," Rick said calmly. "You're mine. My Michonne. My Own. And, you always will be."
"How can you say that to me after what you did to me? You abandoned me Rick. You left me to languish all alone because you didn't love me enough. And then, I had to find out that you…."
She couldn't get it out. She knew shortly after he left her, he'd gotten married, but she didn't want to say those words. She didn't want to hear his mouth about how he thought it was best, or whatever excuse he had for his betrayal.
"Michonne. Tell me," Rick said softly. He thought he knew what she was going to say and he braced himself. They needed to get everything out in the open. No need for pussy-footing around to spare feelings. Not now.
"I wanted to die," she whispered, ignoring Rick's request.
He gasped when he heard her. He'd braced himself, but he was not expecting to hear that.
"I was so devastated after you left me," she continued. "When you told me we weren't 'a good fit' and you turned your back and walked away from me, I wanted to die. At one point, it felt like my heart was literally broken."
The tears were streaming down Michonne's face, but her expression was well past sadness. She was pissed! She violently wiped at her face, angry that Rick still had the power to make her feel…anything. She attempted to erase the evidence that she actually felt anything for this man by trying to get rid of the fucking tears that wouldn't stop flowing.
"So, no," she continued angrily. "I'm not yours. I'm nothing to you, and as soon as I can walk, I'm getting the fuck out of here!"
She was breathing so hard, and yet she couldn't catch her breath. Once again, she felt like she was dying all over again. She turned her head away from him and even though she was mad enough to spit nails, she cried like an infant.
Rick knew there was no excuse he could come up with to make Michonne feel better, so he didn't try. The truth was awful, but she needed to know, rather, he needed her to know. He tentatively sat on the edge of her bed, close to the head, where she was propped up on multiple pillows.
"Michonne? Baby, please look at me," Rick said.
Michonne didn't respond so he waited. After ten minutes of her still refusing to look at him, he tried again.
"My Own, I'm not leaving until you look at me," he whispered gently.
Nothing.
"I've already given Jude to the babysitter for the night. I have nowhere to go."
Finally, she realized that if she didn't look his way, he'd probably sit there all night. Same old Rick. She turned to him and glared.
"I love you Michonne. I always have. I never stopped. I did what I did because I was a scared, stupid kid. I…"
"You were twenty-two. You weren't a kid," Michonne growled at him.
"But, I was though. My family…my father…." He stopped speaking and dropped his eyes to his lap. He realized that he was getting ready to do exactly what he said he wouldn't. Make excuses. Sure his father had a huge part in his break-up with Michonne, but ultimately, it was on Rick himself. He broke it off with her, no matter what extenuating circumstances existed.
Michonne was still looking at him, but the glare was dialed down a bit. "Your family, your father what?" She asked. She knew his family was a racist bunch of assholes, but she couldn't believe there was any way Rick would let that come between them. She searched his face, which was now partially hidden from her, and she knew. She knew that was exactly what had happened.
"I'm so much more disappointed in you than I ever was before," she said sadly, shaking her head. She turned her head away from him again. She couldn't look at him anymore.
He knew he'd have to eat that, but it was so much easier to deal with her anger than it was to deal with her disappointment in him. When she turned away from him again, it was as if everything went dim. Rick took a shuddering breath and pushed through his feelings.
"I thought that my family was everything to me Michonne, but when I let go of you, I realized that they weren't. You were. When I came to my senses, I went to find you. I wanted to tell you that I loved you, and that I didn't need them, I needed you, but I couldn't find you…" He paused, his eyes becoming unfocused at the painful memory of how lost and desperate he was to find her and make it right. "...and no one would help me. I went to your parent's house and begged them to tell me where you were, but they wouldn't. I went to them every day for a month, begging and pleading with them to help me. Eventually, they wouldn't even open the door when I came by. I didn't blame them. I'd hurt their daughter and they weren't about to let me do it again. I understood that." He nodded to no one, still back there in his mind, reasoning with his young, stupid, lovesick self. "I brought it on myself and I couldn't change it. I was weak and scared and stupid and I let my family influence me. I was broken. They broke me, but, it was my fault for letting it happen. I was the architect of all of my pain. And yours. And I'm so sorry," Rick confessed quietly.
After a long moment of silence, in which she had to be still and let all this settle over her, Michonne finally spoke.
"I'd often wondered what I did to make you leave me. I could never figure it out, but I would say to myself, 'you must have been a horrible girlfriend,' or 'you must have been a horrible person to cause him to just'…"
"Michonne, no. It wasn't your fault. I -" Rick started.
"Yeah, thanks Rick, I know that now," Michonne interrupted. "I was good to you. I wasn't perfect but god knows I tried to be for you, and you let them…" Michonne hissed.
She had to stop. She was sick at what he'd told her. She actually felt like she may vomit.
"Michonne, I know…"
"No, you don't know shit," Michonne said as she turned her head away from him once again. "Can you just go, please? I don't feel like talking about this with you right now," she said quietly.
The last thing Rick wanted to do was leave her. Again. But he knew that, for now, this conversation was on pause.
"I'll just sit here. I won't say anything okay? We don't have to talk. I just want to be here, with you." Rick said.
Michonne didn't turn back to him or say one word in response to his revelation that he wasn't leaving like she'd asked.
"He's kind of pushy ain't he? I can see why you too were together," Mike said.
"Shut. The. Fuck. UP!" Michonne screamed in her own head.
"See what I mean," Mike scoffed.
Michonne sighed and gave up, for now. She was drained. She was hurting physically as well as emotionally and, now, she only wanted to sleep. She gingerly turned on her side, careful of her new stitches and closed her eyes.
"Fuck the both of them," she thought..
Before she was overtaken by much needed sleep, she felt a hand softly rubbing her back.
