Pros and Cons
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Note: There'scitrus in this chapter. Skip over it if you have to – you'll know where it is.
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"So…"
"Mmhm?"
Hatsumi's short grunt of acknowledgement didn't seem to reach Shinogu's ears, coming out as a barely audible squeal instead. They had been sitting in the living room of his apartment for what seemed like hours but was probably only about fifteen minutes, and neither of them had still said a word. "Hatsumi?" Shinogu said a bit louder, bending his head to try and look through her curtain of hair.
"Yes?"
"I was going to ask you if you want something to drink…"
She nodded, looking up at him as a blush spread across her cheeks. "Oh. Um. Yes…thank you."
She hated how things were between them now. So formal and unfamiliar. I guess he's the only one to blame… she thought to herself …seeing as he's the one who decided to spring the whole 'I'm in love with you' thing on me and then take off…
Shinogu walked back in with a glass of orange juice and handed it to her silently before sitting down. "Thanks," she muttered, "I love orange juice."
"We did live together for a few years…I kind of remember that," he answered. She didn't imagine he had known what an awkward effect that statement would have had. He cleared his throat and said, "That hit a sore spot, huh?"
She bowed her head again, putting her glass on the table. "Mm. Just a little."
"I thought…"
"Yes?"
"Well…"
"What is it?" Her voice was soft when she spoke; for some reason her throat just wouldn't work.
Shinogu half-smiled, as if in an attempt to make things a little less awkward. "Well…how's Ryoki?"
"Wow," she laughed uncomfortably, "You're jumping right into things, aren't you…"
"Aren't you married now?"
Hatsumi looked at him, creasing her eyebrows. "How did you know…?"
"Azusa and I have kept in touch."
A million possibilities came out of that. What if Azusa and Shinogu had been scheming to kidnap her the entire time? No…Shinogu was way too innocent to do anything like that. Hatsumi knew that he would have never forced her to do anything…this was all Azusa's doing. She heard Azusa's words echoing in her mind. Give him a chance to be something else…
"Well, it's really complicated," she started, and then stopped. Shinogu raised his eyebrows and waited for her to continue. "Um…"
"Look, if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine," Shinogu said, "I don't mean to pry. I'm just a little confused as to why you're here." He lowered his voice and looked away from her, his face tinted pink. "You know that it…it's hard for me. With you here."
Hatsumi gulped. Things were definitely still a little weird, despite his lack of communication with her. She hated to see him so unhappy…but she didn't really know what she could do about it. She still didn't feel like she could give her heart to him, and she was still being pulled back to the city, back to Ryoki…"
"I don't want you to be in pain, Shinogu," she said softly, "I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for Azusa…I'm just at this really pivotal point in my life where I need to figure things out…and I feel safe with you. On some level I think I want to be here with you. You've always helped me figure things out and I just wish…I just wish that things could be the same as they used to be."
"Well they can't."
Her eyes shot up to look at him and she realized that he had a humorless smile on his face. "I think that I was always waiting for the time that I could tell you I was in love with you. That I've been in love with you since we were kids." His eyes met hers. "I can't change that now."
Their eyes both snapped to the door as Azusa walked in loudly with a bag of groceries in his hand. He stopped short, a grin on his face. "Was I interrupting something?"
"No, it was nothing," Hatsumi said quickly.
But Shinogu was silent.
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"You know I'm going to have to kill you now."
Kazama glanced over at Akane uncomfortably as they walked into the hotel room they would spend the night in, his eyes uncontrollably drawn to her backside. He lifted them up again when she cast an evil glare at him. "And why is that?" he asked, attempting to keep a playful tone.
"Remember? You touch me, you die."
"I'm pretty sure the touching was mutual…"
She bit her lip. "Shut up, Kazama."
He walked closer to her, coming around to back her into the space between the wall and the small table at the front of the room. Akane drew in a sharp breath as he ran a hand through her hair. "A beautiful girl like you shouldn't be with a guy that neglects her so much that she'd jump the first guy she's alone with…you deserve better."
When he bent to kiss her she punched him hard in the stomach, pushing out of the corner and throwing her stuff down on the bed. "If you don't stop acting like that I will make you get me my own room," she hissed, turning angrily towards him. She pulled some pajama pants and a tank top out of her bag, turning sharply towards him. "Now I am going to go into the bathroom and I am going to change. If you dare come in there, I will neuter you myself. Do you understand me?"
He gave her a mock salute. "Yes ma'am…"
Akane promptly pulled her knee up into his groin and walked into the bathroom, leaving him on the floor.
It was going to be a long night.
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Night approached at Shinogu's apartment.
"So what are our sleeping arrangements for tonight?" Hatsumi asked Azusa under her breath as Shinogu got up to rinse dishes after dinner. Azusa didn't even look at her as he responded.
"Why don't you ask Shinogu if he can put us up here?"
Hatsumi's jaw dropped. "Are you serious?" she squealed, "Azusa, I can't stay here. It's so weird!"
"Well then why don't you go tell Shinogu that?"
"Argh…you suck, Azusa!"
Azusa just laughed at her as she stood up in a huff and walked to the kitchen.
"Oh…hey Hatsumi," Shinogu said as she walked into the kitchen. She replied by raising her hand and smiling. Shinogu smiled back before leaning against the counter top farthest from her. "…things are strange between us now," he muttered.
"They definitely are," she agreed, laughing awkwardly, "I have to say…I was kind of hoping that I would get here and…you know. You would just be my brother again and we would hug and you would give me advice and all of a sudden I would know what to do. Like things used to be."
Shinogu shook his head. "Hatsumi, I already told you-"
"I know," she said, predicting what he was going to say, "I just wish that things could be different."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," he said quietly, "I regret it every day…I think, 'Maybe if I'd have told her sooner, she could've loved me too.' And I know that you're in love with Ryoki…and he cares about you, Hatsumi. He really does. He's probably going crazy with worry over you right now." His voice was barely audible now. "I know I would be."
Silence hung between them, the only sound the TV in the other room. Shinogu finally cleared his throat, moving to close the dishwasher. "I know you came in here for a reason. So what's up?"
Hatsumi looked back into the living room, "Well, I was wondering if you have enough room for us here or if we should go and get a room somewhere." She couldn't just tell him that she couldn't stay here with him. She knew that it would hurt him too deeply.
"I think you should probably just go to a hotel. I don't have enough room for you here and…it would be easier for me if you just left for tonight. It was hard enough living in the same house with you for all those years…"
"Alright," she said softly. Shinogu grabbed her arm as she turned to leave.
"Hatsumi. Please make up your mind soon." He turned away from her, his hands still resting on her shoulder. "If you're not going to give me a chance…to be something else to you…then let me get over you and leave me alone."
She bit her lip; tears pricked at her eyes. But she knew that he was right. "Alright, Shinogu," she whispered, "Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Hatsumi." His hand brushed hers just slightly as he walked away, and she almost felt a jolt of electricity, the emotions radiating out of him were so powerful. She walked out of the kitchen with some new thought itching at her mind, ready to burst out as soon as she got to the hotel room and settled down to think.
"I love you," he whispered. But she was gone.
Azusa got up when she walked out of the kitchen and picked up her bag only to walk out of the front door. He looked confusedly from the kitchen to the front door and decided to follow Hatsumi out to the car. He picked up his keys and said a quick goodbye to Shinogu before heading out.
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Akane wanted to explode.
First of all, she was angry. She was so angry that she felt like she could kill her companion with the pen resting on the bedside table. She probably could. She could just get out of bed, pick up the pen, bend over him…
…take off his clothes…
…then gouge out his eyes…
…or maybe just take off her own clothes as well…
No! she thought, I am in love with Subaru. I AM IN LOVE WITH SUBARU!
Of course, she could blame Subaru for this whole thing. Three years and nothing but innocent kisses. Innocent hand-holding. Innocent gifts of chocolate and teddy bears.
If Akane was anything, it wasn't innocent.
She suspected that the same could be said of her road trip buddy.
She found herself wondering what he was like in bed…how many women he'd been with…how he could pleasure her…if he had any condoms with him…
Stop it!
Kazama hadn't been lying when he had said that she was so badly neglected she would jump the first guy she was alone with. Add to the equation that that guy happened to be an older, hotter, and more experienced man, and it was catastrophic for Subaru. Soon enough he would be out of a girlfriend. And she would be wasting precious time with a guy that she felt nothing but lust for yet again…
Subaru was beginning to seem like a distant dream. The only thing she could feel was the dark heat of the room and the close proximity of aforesaid older man.
She pushed the covers off and pulled her shirt up off of her stomach. It really was hot. Maybe the air conditioner wasn't working? Maybe she was having a hot flash?
Maybe I'm alone with an extremely attractive guy and I'm not doing a damn thing about it…
Subaru would never know.
Her mind was only on one track as she got up and straddled Kazama, putting her hands on his chest and waiting for him to wake up.
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Hatsumi walked quietly out to the car, sitting down and slamming the door before finally letting herself cry.
She couldn't believe that things were so strange with Shinogu now. She supposed that she hadn't really realized how much different things were going to be and how things could never really be the same. She wanted so badly for things to work out. But they couldn't. Not if Ryoki was right.
I'll be the only one Hatsumi ever loves!
"Great…now I'm hearing things…" she muttered as she turned around. She could have sworn she'd heard Ryoki's voice…
She watched Azusa walk down into the parking lot and then out to the car. He opened the door with a concerned look on his face. "Hatsumi, are you OK?" he asked worriedly, sitting down in the driver's seat and putting a hand on her shoulder. She sniffed, her eyes red and puffy.
"He told me…he told me that things won't ever be the same…that I need to make a choice…"
"Of course things'll never be the same, you idiot," Azusa said. His voice, though sharp, almost had a soft touch to it. He rubbed her back comfortingly. "And you do have to make a choice. Ryoki will come eventually. Akane will be here soon, with Kazama. You've gotten yourself into this mess and now you have to figure out how to fix it."
She looked up at him, attempting a smile. "I'm pretty sure you're the one who got me into this mess, not me," she said, her voice cracking as she broke into a new wave of sobs. Azusa just laughed, wrapping both his arms around her and letting her rest her head against his shoulder. He wasn't normally the nice type, so it was a little awkward…but he supposed it was alright. "I just…I just wish I had someone to help me decide…Shinogu always used to help me…and now he can't…"
"I'll help you decide," Azusa said. She looked up hopefully at him, starting to smile.
"Pick Shinogu!"
Nope…no luck there…
"Look, Hatsumi," he said, smiling apologetically, "There are pros and cons to both guys. I mean, more pros for Shinogu and cons for Ryoki…but you can figure it out."
She nodded, sniffling again. "Thanks, Azusa…"
"Don't mention it. So I guess we're staying at a hotel…?"
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Kazama's eyes snapped open to see Akane's face drifting over his. He squinted in the dark, trying to figure out if this was real. "Am I dreaming?" he asked her, his voice cracking tiredly.
"No dream," she muttered. She was surprised at herself; her voice was slightly husky and her fingers drifted over what she now realized was his unclothed chest.
He had rolled her over and was kissing her passionately in a second, one of his hands on her hip and the other gripping the back of her head and pulling her closer. Their tongues wrestled in a battle similar to the one that was raging in Akane's conscious at that moment – animal instinct was quickly winning over. Her foot rubbed against his pajama-clad leg rhythmically, moving in the same rhythm as her hips against his. Her entire body tingled in anticipation, her mouth forcefully pressing against his. A sigh escaped her lips – she hadn't felt this good in years.
"So you've finally come to see my reasoning…" he murmured against her mouth, "I told you that you deserve better."
"I guess I do," she said, rolling him over and sitting up, "But we're doing this my way. If I tell you to stop, you stop."
His hot mouth met her jaw line and she groaned, unconsciously pushing her chest up towards his mouth. "Whatever you want," he murmured. His breath tickled her ear and it shot shivers through her. He noticed her push her chest up and one large hand covered her breast. She gripped his back, digging her fingernails into his skin.
"…don't stop…"
"I don't plan on it…" he replied. He flipped her over again to get better access to her chest, kissing closer and closer to the peaks of her chest. His tongue flicked into her cleavage and she tangled her fingers in his long hair, closing her eyes in ecstasy. She barely even felt it as he pulled the neckline of her tanktop lower and lower.
She definitely felt it when his mouth covered her breast.
His tongue was doing things that she had never felt before with any of the inexperienced jackasses she'd been with in junior high. His mouth was hot and wet on her chest and she gripped his head closer to her, her other hand drifting down to his firm backside. Her leg hooked around his and she thrust her hips up into his and he groaned in response, returning his mouth to hers in a searing kiss. She rolled him over and sat up quickly to completely take her shirt off, reveling at the contact of their bare skin when she lay down on top of him again, biting at his earlobe almost too passionately. He didn't seem to notice, becoming even more aroused and slipping his hand into the back of her PJs. He laughed throatily and she could feel the vibrations in his neck. "You're not wearing underwear."
A little voice was screaming in her head that she should stop, but there was another, much louder one urging her on. "No, I'm not," she replied, grinding her hips against his arousal. He groaned, thrusting up into her. "Good God I want you…do you have protection?"
Kazama froze.
"Oh, shit."
"You're kidding me."
Akane quickly got off of him and covered herself with her shirt, which she had thrown to the floor. "You don't have a condom?"
"Crap. Fuck. Shit. You don't have one?"
"No I don't have one you dumbass!" Akane was almost screaming as she turned around and pulled her shirt back on. "My boyfriend is a fucking virgin! Of course I don't…"
Oh no. My boyfriend.
"This was a huge mistake…" she muttered, "Oh no…Subaru…he'll never forgive me…he'll be so heartbroken…"
Kazama didn't say a word.
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Hatsumi made a list of pros and cons.
She did Ryoki's pros first. He was in love with her. He had always fought for her. He had protected her from all sorts of bad things.
Cons: He yelled a lot. He was jealous. He was really jealous. He had hit her in the past, and who was to say that he wouldn't do it again? He scared her and he stopped her from thinking for herself.
She wondered about him. There was something about Ryoki that just made her…happy. She was just happy with him. But was she? She didn't really know anymore. She was happy now too…maybe she would be happier if she weren't with him.
Was this a matter of being with Ryoki or Shinogu, or was it a matter of being with Ryoki or not being with Ryoki?
What would it mean to be Hatsumi Tachibana? It would mean to be a faithful wife. It would mean that they would have babies and he would go off to work and she would become bitter and cold and-
Shinogu's turn.
He was kind. He was so kind that she always turned to him for help. He was gentle and loving, and he would never disrespect her. He loved her more than anything in the world, and he would never cheat on her out of jealousy or spite…
That was enough in itself, wasn't it?
She soon realized that this wasn't a matter of pros and cons. It wasn't a matter of not being with Ryoki or being with Ryoki. It wasn't a matter of Shinogu or Ryoki.
It was how she felt. And Hatsumi had no idea how she felt. She drifted off that night with a troubled mind. A mind that could not be made up because it had never been allowed to think for itself.
A mind that needed to be free.
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A/N: I hope that was a pretty good update!! Sorry it's been so long…I'm taking an honors history class this year and it's really tough. Not only that but I have a boyfriend that I spend lots of time with and I've been having serious writer's block because my mind is just spent every day when I get home from school!
But there's your update. It's the only fanfic I've update over the break…so merry Christmas and happy New Year!
Please review!
--Kat
