He found him in the kitchen, preparing some sandwiches, while Bruce was sitting at the table, drinking from his tea and reading a paper. Bruce didn't look up when James came in but Steve turned around and shot him a quick smile before he turned back to his task.

"How ya doing, James?" Steve asked him and James eyed Bruce warily. He really didn't want to talk about this while someone was listening in but Bruce showed no sign that he had noticed him.

"Okay," he said and Steve turned back around to him at that, frown already on his forehead. Bruce also lifted his head at James' statement and James decided that maybe Bruce should stay after all. Now that he knew that the team was afraid he would freak out any second and kill them all, the careful glances he kept getting made a lot more sense. He was sure that Natasha would tell Clint, though he didn't know how concerned Clint actually had been, and he'd have to find Thor later to explain. But if Bruce was here now, he could spare himself that walk.

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you," James said to Steve and Bruce moved to get up. "Bruce, you can stay if you want, you probably should hear this, too."

Bruce lowered himself back into his chair, still clutching the mug in his hand and Steve abandoned his sandwiches to walk over to the table.

"What do you want to talk about?" he carefully asked while he leaned against the table. Bruce looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here and James wondered what exactly he expected this talk to be about.

"Tony and Natasha made me aware that there has been some misunderstanding," James started, because there was no sense in talking around the topic.

"Tony, huh," Steve mumbled and Bruce frowned.

"Yeah, and Natasha. What's wrong with that?"

"I'm sure nothing is wrong with it," Bruce interjected and Steve seemed irritated by the interruption. "What was it they made you aware of?"

"I'm not about to go into Soldier mode, as you seemed to have dubbed it, and kill you all. I am perfectly in control and not a danger to you."

There was a beat of silence before Bruce nodded. "That is indeed good to know," he said with a small smile but after a short glance to Steve he got serious again. "Since now I am aware of that, I'll make sure to stay as far away as I can for the rest of the talk. Where's Tony?"

"Eh…in the workshop, probably. Natasha wanted something."

Bruce thanked him for that and then quickly left the room. It looked a lot like he was fleeing and after James turned back around to Steve, it made a whole lot more sense. Steve didn't look happy. James wished he could stay as far away from this talk as he could as well, but that didn't seem likely. And he was pretty sure, neither his former self nor the person he was now, was one to flee a scene.

"What?" James asked defensively and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"What makes you so sure you are in control?" Steve asked him without losing the frown.

"Natasha told me that you all were thinking I lost time sometimes, but that's not true. I know exactly what happens, all the time. There is no 'losing time' for me." He carefully didn't mention the night he attacked Clint but since it hadn't happened again, he didn't feel the need to bring it up again.

"So you are telling me you know when the Soldier takes over."

"That's the thing, Steve. The Soldier doesn't take over. It's just me. I don't have a split personality. The Soldier is not lurking about to catch the right moment to come out and overwhelm me. There's just me in here."

Steve was quiet at that but he looked speculatively at James, obviously expecting more.

"There's nothing happening with me Steve. I'm just a really ungrateful, intense, brooding guy who sometimes takes a challenge to seriously and who doesn't know when to stop because human contact has not been one of the main concerns of my handlers."

"Don't say that," Steve said immediately, like it pained him to hear all of this. "You're not with your handlers anymore and you are not an ungrateful, intense, brooding guy."

"But I am, Steve, I am. That's just how it is. I know that, and I am fine with it. Yes, I probably could socialize more, but I don't know how. I tend to think too much about all the stuff I did. That makes me broody and I know I am giving of that vibe and it's fine. I know I haven't been very grateful for all the things you did and that the team doesn't object to me being here, at least not to my face, and that Tony lets me live here, come down to his workshop and spend time with him."

"How is this now back to Tony?" Steve asked him and from all the things that James just said that was what Steve took away?

"Yeah, how is it?" James said, absolutely not understanding what Steve was going on about.

"You always just talk about Tony and even this now is somehow about him. I don't understand this. Why is everything always about him."

"Probably because I spend the most time with him? Honestly, I have no idea what you're on about. Yes, I talk about him, because I like him and there's nothing else in my life happening that is worth talking about."

Steve looked strangely at him before he lowered his eyes. "You used to tell me everything. Now you're just off talking to Tony, talking about Tony and it seems like there's no place for me in your life anymore."

"You're jealous. You're jealous because I don't spend my time with you. Do you even realize how that sounds, Steve? Like you don't want me to feel okay."

James had no idea how this talk could have derailed like this so quickly but a small part of James was glad it did. It gave him the opportunity to finally address everything that irked him about Steve. Maybe it had been high time to finally do that.

"Of course I want you to be okay, it's just…," Steve started but then he trailed off but James knew what he wanted to say, so he finished the sentence for him. "You want me to be okay with you. You want me to need you."

Steve squirmed under his gaze but he didn't directly object.

"Unbelievable," James muttered but when he turned around Steve finally found his voice again.

"I don't want you to need me. I just want you back. Buck, I lost you." James slightly flinched at the use of his old nickname but Steve didn't seem to notice because he went right on. "I saw you die, fall from the train and I believed you died. I mourned you. And when I turned the plane in the water I didn't think twice, because you wouldn't be there to miss me and I could finally stop missing you. But then I woke up and you were still dead and I had to go on. And then you come back and now you want nothing to do with me. You avoid me as much as you can, you're not talking to me, you're barely even spending time with me. And whenever I look for you you're with Tony."

"You're jealous of Tony," James stated and Steve gave a jerky nod.

James sighed heavily and walked over to the table to sit down in Bruce's chair. This seemed to be a lot more complicated than he had thought. Before James could sort out his thoughts though, Steve spoke again.

"It's just… you have these impromptu meetings with Clint now and you seem to like Natasha just fine. I don't know about Bruce and Thor but you seem to get along with all of them. But you're still avoiding me and I don't know what to do," Steve admitted and James sighed. It was true, since their unfortunate meeting in the hallway, he and Clint somehow managed to meet up at the shooting range more nights than not. It helped, to not shoot at things by himself.

"There's nothing you can do. I know you seem to think there's something to fix, but there really isn't."

"But if I could just make you remember…" Steve trailed off there, sad expression firmly in place.

James looked at Steve and stayed silent until he met his eyes. "I do remember, Steve. I remember everything. And I wish you would stop making me feel like I'm not enough, just because I can't be like the guy I was before."

Steve expression crumbled at those words and he let himself fall heavily down on the nearest chair.

"I thought you didn't remember," he whispered eventually and James really wished they could stop this conversation now.

"I know. And partly it was my fault, because I never told you any different, but I do. Some things are hazy but I think everything is back."

"And when where you going to tell me that?" Steve demanded to know and James sat up straight. If this was 'the talk' then he would damn well be honest.

"When I was sure you wouldn't kick me out when you realized I couldn't be Bucky again."

Steve seemed shocked by that and James really felt bad for hitting him with all these truths at once, but this talk had been long overdue. And besides, now it was too late to take it back.

"You thought I would what? Just throw you out and never look back?" Steve finally asked him and his voice told James just how badly that hurt.

"Kinda," James shrugged. "You always make me feel like there's something missing, like I'm not enough, and I was worried what you'd do when you realized that this is me now. I had trust issues."

"You had?" Steve asked and his voice sounded so damn small that James wanted to go over and hug him. But he wasn't sure if that was allowed right now.

"I'm starting to trust you guys. I trust Tony and Clint. And I know that I can trust you, that I should trust you, but it seems a bit difficult sometimes. You have so many expectations and I'm not sure I can meet them all."

Steve looked back at his hands now, and James didn't know how to feel about that. Steve never avoided his eyes, at least not with the old Bucky, and it hurt to realize that he could do it just fine now.

"I don't expect anything from you. I just wanted you back. I want you to be fine again. That is all."

"But I will probably never be fine again, Steve." Steve seemed a bit shocked by that but James went right on. "And you have me back. So it would be nice if you could act like that and not like you're still waiting on another guy."

"I didn't realize you felt that way," Steve said and James sighed again.

"I know. I never said anything. You couldn't have known. But I'm telling you know and it would be nice if you could try to remember that."

"I will, Buck, I will."

James flinched at the nickname again, but he didn't say anything. He had put Steve through enough as it was, and maybe he would get used to that name again, if he would only hear it enough.

They sat with each other in silence for a few seconds before Steve visibly straightened up and asked "You want a sandwich?"

James gratefully nodded, glad that Steve seemed determined to try and make this work, and he stood up to help him. They prepared the sandwiches in comfortable silence but then suddenly Steve asked "So, the thing with you and Tony…" he didn't finish the sentence but James' head whipped around to him.

"What thing," he lowly asked because he would throw this knife at him if Steve went back to the jealousy topic.

"You seem awfully close," was all Steve said but James saw him carefully eying the knife.

"He takes care of my arm. I can come down to the workshop when I want. It's a good place to spend time," James said and didn't take his eyes off Steve's face.

"I just haven't seen him flirt like that in quite some time, is all," Steve eventually shrugged but he kept his eyes fixed on the sandwich.

James thought back to the situation down in the workshop and he shook his head. "He doesn't flirt flirt with me. He has a thing for the arm. I happen to be attached to it." Steve raised his eyebrows at him and James hurried on. "Everything he says that could count as flirty has to do with the arm. So it means nothing. And besides, Natasha said he used to do it all the time."

"Exactly. Used to. He hasn't since Miss Potts left."

James hadn't known that Miss Potts and Tony had been an item and he tried very hard not to let it show. But thankfully Steve was still looking down at his sandwiches and so he didn't notice anything unusual on James face.

"It's just," Steve continued when James stayed silent, "you two have been close. And I wondered. But never mind," he hurried to rush out when James still didn't say anything.

He was a bit too shocked by the fact that Steve thought he and Tony were in a relationship to really react to anything he said right now. James realized that it might be odd that he spend all his time down in the workshop, and especially now that he knew that there were only a few chosen people with a code for the door, but he hadn't known that they were giving off the relationship vibe to the others.

James wasn't sure how he felt about that and so he opted to stay silent. Steve seemed to realize that he was uncomfortable with the topic because he didn't say anything else either. They finished their sandwiches in silence, right until an alarm started to go off.

Steve was instantly alert, looking at the ceiling and demanded "Jarvis, what's happening?"

"Captain Rogers, it appears that there is something like a portal in Central Park opening right now."

"Is something coming through?" Steve asked but he was already on his way out, to get his uniform, no doubt.

"There's no indication of any lifeform moving past the portal," Jarvis answered him.

"Let's hope it stays that way," Steve grimly said and then turned back around to James. He seized him up, one long look from his feet up to his head, and questioningly tilted his head.

"What?" James asked him, wondering what Steve was thinking, with the alarm still blaring and yet not moving.

"You said there's no danger of you going wild on us," Steve started thoughtfully. "If something starts coming through this portal we could probably use a sniper who can decimate them if needed, or just keeps a count on them."

"You'd take me out with you just like that. With no team building and training exercises."

"You'd be far away from the action. And I think I need to trust you more," Steve easily said with a shrug, not deterred by the alarm in the slightest.

James was caught off guard but he couldn't really argue with that. He wanted to go out, after all, he wanted to be able to help the team and this sounded like a relatively easy job.

"So, are you in or not?" Steve asked him, finally seeming a bit rushed.

"I'm in," James said.

Steve smiled brightly at him and then waved his hand. "Go get your rifle and suit up," he hesitated for a second and then added, "if you have anything to suit up with."

"I do actually," James answered him. Tony had presented him with a slightly altered version of his Hydra outfit shortly after he came to the tower, but so far James hadn't had an occasion to wear it. It looked like now was the time to finally put it on.

Steve had already left, no doubt to get suited up himself, and James rushed to do the same. He packed a few knifes, two guns and his rifle before he went to meet the team at the Quinjet.

He got some surprised looks by Clint and Thor, obviously no one had clued them in yet, a nod from Bruce, Natasha only smiled at him and Tony clasped his shoulder. "Good to have you on board, Robocop", he said and James nodded at him.

"If you're stealing my sharp shooting position, we're gonna have a problem, Barnes," Clint cheerfully told him and James could tell it for the joke it was.

"We'll see. If you can't keep up, I sure as hell won't drag you along," James said with a small smile.

Before Clint could come up with a response Steve ushered them all into the Quinjet so that they could finally leave for the portal.

When they arrived, the area had been cleared by the police, so they at least didn't have to worry about any civilian casualties.

The commanding officer caught them up to speed but so far there wasn't anything to tell. The portal had opened up and now it was just there. The Avengers took their positions none the less, not wanting to risk anything. Thor deposited Clint on a rooftop, while Tony flew James to another one and then it meant waiting.

There was no movement to be seen through the portal and nothing came through. After half an hour of keeping watch Tony and Bruce, still safely in the Quinjet with all their equipment, had managed to close the portal again without a hitch and so the whole ordeal was relatively unexciting for them.

Well, at least for everyone but James. He had started to freak out the moment he settled his rifle on the roof and from there it just went into a full blown panic attack. It was a really good thing that nothing came through the portal, because James wouldn't have been any help to them, not with the way his vision swam, his hands shook and how his harsh breaths wrecked his whole body.

When Steve found him, after some unsuccessful attempts to get his attention via the ear piece, James was pressed into a corner of the roof, rifle long abandoned, and hands clasped tightly over his mouth and nose.

"James," he tentatively asked, concern quite clear on his face, but he thankfully stayed a few feet away. James shook his head, unable to say anything and not only because he still had his hands over his mouth. He feared that if he removed them he would fall apart completely and so he brought them down even harder. His breaths sounded more like sobs now and Steve was clearly at a loss as to what to do.

James was only dimly aware of the sound that announced Iron Man landing on the rooftop but Steve was definitely aware of it because he turned around, no doubt to seek some help from Tony.

Tony must have stepped out of the suit because the next thing James knew was that Tony sat down next to him, not touching him but instead giving him enough space to flee if he should feel the need for that.

"James," Tony started and his voice was a lot calmer than Steve's had been. "James, it's alright, you're not with Hydra anymore. Do you know where you are? It's 2015 and you went with the Avengers to investigate some portal."

James nodded at that, he remembered that part. He didn't know what exactly had set him off, but it wasn't because he couldn't remember where or when he was. He couldn't really explain what the problem was, but he felt like he was all over the place, falling apart at the seams, and he desperately wished for his muzzle mask and the tight Hydra uniform to keep him together.

But he didn't have the uniform, Tony's new design was a bit looser fitting, and so he had to find a substitute, and fast, if he wanted a chance to calm down. So James carefully removed his metal hand from his face, cautiously and unsure if just one hand would be enough, but when it didn't prompt a new wave of panic he quickly wound the metal arm tightly around his middle in an attempt to keep himself together.

Tony watched him with interest and definitely noticed the way James relaxed a bit with the arm around his middle. "James, do you need something to keep you together?" he carefully asked and James desperately nodded.

Tony motioned for Steve to come closer again who immediately did as prompted. "What do you need?" he asked, aiming the question towards Tony though he was looking at James.

"You have to hold him. Tight," Tony told him and Steve looked at him in confusion. "I don't think I'm strong enough, so you have to do it. Come on, hurry up, he's not getting any better there," Tony impatiently said when Steve didn't immediately did as he was told. "Get behind him and hold him. Arms around his middle and over his chest."

Steve still didn't seem to understand but now he hurried to do what Tony asked. Tony scooted away from James, who frantically grabbed for him, even abandoning the pressure around his middle to do it. He wasn't sure if he could keep it together if Tony left. He had been a constant source of reassurance to him, not only now but also in the past, and sometimes just Tony's presence was enough to calm him down considerably. James wasn't sure he could stand it if Tony left right now.

But Tony made no move to leave; instead he took James' hand in his and held on tight. He moved James a bit, so that Steve could get behind him easier and when Steve was settled down, James resting on his chest now, he immediately wound his arms around him and held him tight. James could feel the tension leak out of him and he slumped back against Steve.

He didn't remove his hand from his face, not yet, but he already felt a lot more stable than he had a few seconds before. Tony was still holding his hand, running his thumb soothingly over his knuckles and muttering reassurances to him, while Steve's arms around him kept him together.

It only took a few minutes of this arrangement before James felt good enough to finally move his hand away from his face. He rested it lightly over Steve's arm, to signal him that he should keep his arms there for a bit longer. Steve complied without complain but Tony moved to get away from them.

James immediately clasped his hand harder to prevent him from leaving and Tony instantly stopped moving away. "I was just letting the team know that there's no need to worry," Tony told him, smiling slightly. "I wasn't about to leave you."

James took two more deep breaths and then relaxed his grip on Tony, signaling him that it would be okay if he left to do that, but Tony stayed a bit longer. Only when James' breathing was even more leveled did he walk over to his suit to talk to the team.

James didn't listen to him and instead focused on the way Steve's arms felt around him. He was holding him tight enough, so that James didn't feel like he was coming apart any longer, and he felt like he could maybe do without them now.

He lightly tapped Steve's arm to get his attention. "A bit lighter?" he asked, surprised at how rough his voice sounded.

Steve immediately loosened his grip on him and James still felt alright, which he counted as a win. "Still good?" Steve asked him and James nodded.

"You can let go…completely," James said, painfully aware that it sounded more like a question than anything else. But Steve was very considerate and only slowly removed his arms, giving James enough time to protest at any moment. He didn't, but he appreciated the sentiment.

When Steve had fully removed his arms, James was quick to get up, desperate to test if he would still be alright. To his immense relieve, that was the case and he nodded grateful at Steve. "Thank you," he said and Steve shrugged while he got up as well.

"Not a problem."

James was aware that Tony was standing a few feet away, still with his suit, and he was doing a terrible job at pretending that he wasn't listening to the two talking. James knew that Tony didn't really know if James and Steve had had their talk yet, for all he knew James could have pretended to go find Steve, and so this was possibly the friendliest situation Tony had seen them in in a long time.

James shot a quick frown over to Tony to show him that he was damn well aware of what he was doing and Tony quickly turned around and got in the suit. "I'll go and collect Legolas now," he said through his speakers and before Steve and James could react he was already gone.

Shaking his head slightly, James turned back around to Steve unsure if he should thank him again. Luckily he didn't have to find anything to say because Steve was already talking.

"What happened here? Did you get triggered?" he asked him and James contemplated that for a second.

He tried to assess the feelings he had right before the attack, but none of them were like his nightly panic attacks, he didn't have a flashback or was reminded of anything particular. Sure, he had assassinated a whole lot of people when he had been with Hydra, being in the same position as he had been now, but somehow he knew that that wasn't it.

So James only answer was a shrug because Steve was still waiting and he just didn't know what to say. But Steve was frowning for real now and James suddenly realized that this would be his one and only mission for the Avengers if he didn't give a satisfactory answer. So he tried a bit harder to understand his feelings.

"I felt like I was coming apart. Like I was stretched all over the place, not just behind the rifle. I don't know why it happened." He had an inkling of what had happened but he wasn't about to admit to Steve that he had missed his Hydra uniform.

Hydra had made a point of keeping it too tight, barely loose enough that he could fight, but never so that he could take a real deep breath or forget what he was wearing. The muzzle mask only added to that; it was there to remind him that he was nothing more than a dog for them, a dangerous one at that, one that needed a mouth guard, so he wouldn't bite the hand that fed him, even though he hadn't known it at the time.

When he had been the Winter Soldier it just seemed perfectly normal to wear his uniform and muzzle; he had never understood the deeper implications of that choice. Now he did and he was perfectly aware of how fucked up it was to wish back for that but he couldn't help it. Whenever he was wearing that, he knew that he had a mission, a purpose, and that feeling was missing now.

He had felt lost, behind his rifle, like he was floating, even though he knew that he had a mission, he had to keep his team mates safe if something came through the portal, but somehow it didn't held the same weight as his previous missions did. And since he really wasn't missing Hydra's rule over him, the only other possibility was his uniform.

James shied away from telling Steve that, though, not sure what that said about him and he didn't want Steve to judge him for something, even though he had no means of understanding what was going on in James.

He looked down at his uncovered hands, stupidly missing the gloves as well, and he only felt how Steve stepped closer. James thought he had reached an understanding with Steve in the kitchen earlier and he wasn't about to fuck that up by telling him he wanted his old uniform back.

"Please, you can tell me what's going on, Buck," Steve said and James barely repressed the flinch. It hurt, whenever Steve used his nickname, and he had established early on that he didn't want to be called by any variation of his old nickname, but it seemed like Steve was quick to forget that. James hadn't forgotten that he had also used that name in the kitchen and now he could feel anger flood through his veins.

Maybe he would fuck this up after all.

"What's going on is that I want my old uniform back," he snapped at Steve, just in time to prevent Steve from reaching out and touching his arm as it seemed.

Steve's face furrowed in confusion and he asked "Your Howling Commandos uniform? I think that's in the Smithsonian. We could probably get it for you…" he trailed off here, seemingly unsure if this was what James had meant.

Of course Steve would instantly think back to that uniform; it was something the old James, Bucky, had been proud of. Of course Steve would think he would want that back. Doesn't matter that he had made it perfectly clear that he didn't want anything to do with the person he was before the fall, that he couldn't be that anymore. Steve would only ever see the lost Bucky in him.

That revelation made it easy to say the next words right into his face. "Not that one. I don't care about that uniform. I want my Hydra uniform back."

James reveled in Steve's shocked face for a few seconds before he turned away to collect his rifle. He knew that he had just blown all his hopes of ever coming out with the team again, but he couldn't bring himself to care. That would come later and he knew it, but right now he bathed in the fact that he had hurt Steve.

It was a petty feeling, he was aware of that, but he couldn't help but think that this could maybe even the score, if only just a little bit. He turned back around to Steve once he had packed up his rifle but Steve was not looking at him, staring at the ground and even from a few feet away James could see that he was shaking.

He opened his mouth to say something to him, though he had no idea what could make this possibly better, and so in the end he did nothing. He shouldered the rifle and walked past Steve to finally get off this roof.

"What was that?" Tony asked him and James realized with a start that the whole team probably heard them through the comms.

"Nothing," James snapped at him and when Clint added "Sure as hell sounded like something," he took the earpiece out. He wanted to crush it, but couldn't bring himself to do it. It wasn't the earpiece who had offended him after all.

He slowly made his way down the staircase, trying very hard to breathe evenly and by the end of it he had mostly managed to calm down. That immediately went away when Natasha waited for him outside of the building, one eyebrow raised and looking speculatively at him.

"What," he barked but her eyebrow just went impossibly higher while she remained silent.

"What has our Captain done to offend you this way?" Thor asked him when he landed next to Natasha and James refused any eye contact. He just wanted to go home now. The panic attack and the fight with Steve had drained him off all his energy and he desperately wanted to sleep for a few hours.

So he didn't give an answer to Thor's question or Natasha's inquiring gaze and went straight past them to the Quinjet where Bruce and Clint were already waiting for them. Bruce tried very hard not to look at him when he entered the jet but Clint had no such reservations.

"Dude, that was mean and uncalled for. What's wrong with you?"

James was spared to find words that could possibly explain his thoughts and feelings on that when Tony landed and flipped his face plate up. "James?" he tentatively asked but James went to find a corner he could crawl into. Tony didn't come after him and while he was grateful that he was finally being left alone, he also realized that he just massively fucked up.

He tried to ban these thoughts for the moment, there would be time to regret his actions later, when he was alone and instead curled up in his own corner, waiting for the others to come back to the Quinjet so they could finally go back home.

"Tony, I think you should go get Steve," Bruce's calm voice suddenly rang through the silence and Tony huffed out a breath before the faceplate snapped down again and he took off.

James could feel Clint's judging glare on him the entire time they waited for the others and he was glad that he didn't have to face him right now; not with his face mashed into his arms to keep the others out.

The flight back to the tower was relatively unspectacular, apart from the fact that no one said a word. James was tempted to look around, to see how Steve was doing and if they were all just watching him, but he refrained from doing that.

When the jet landed everyone was quick to leave it, still not saying anything at all, and when James thought they all had left, he finally uncurled himself and stood up, only to be met with Tony's unimpressed glare.

"Uh," he said and tried to figure out if there was any chance that he would make it past Tony.

"Don't even think about it," Tony said, following his gaze and James slumped back into his corner.

"Really? Right now?" he asked and was aware that he sounded petulant but he couldn't help it. He just wanted today to be over.

"I can go. But then Natasha or Clint will get to you first, or maybe even Steve if he has composed himself enough, and I'm not sure you'd want that."

James sighed, because Tony knew very well that he didn't want that. At all. "Fine. What?"

"I could ask you the same."

"Are you asking the same or are you just saying you could?" James said, feeling especially difficult right now, but he was in a bad mood and felt entitled to that.

"I am asking you the same. Though I'm adding some words. So. What was that?"

Since Tony was still standing while James was sitting on the floor, it was really easy to avoid looking at him and instead he trained his eyes on the knees of the armour. Tony let him stew for a while, not saying anything else, waiting him out, and in the end it was James who broke first.

"I hate it when he uses that name."

"I think we all got that," Tony mildly said and James scoffed.

"All of you, really? Because I don't think Steve quite understood me."

"I think he did now," Tony told him but James shook his head.

"Let's just see how long it takes for him to slip up again," he muttered and Tony crouched down in front of him.

"It really bothers you, doesn't it," he asked with a light frown and settled down next to him, not giving James an easy way out this time.

"Yes, it does!" James exclaimed and Tony seemed slightly taken aback by the force of it. "I told him I didn't want to be called by that name and he just doesn't listen. That was the second time he slipped up today and I can't take it."

James expected Tony to tell him to take it easy on the guy; James wasn't the only one having a hard time with everything after all, but to James surprise Tony stayed silent.

"I just wanted to hurt him back," James muttered eventually and Tony hummed in understanding.

"Hence the comment about the Hydra uniform."

James hesitated slightly and Tony noticed of course. "You really want the uniform back?" he asked and seemed a bit concerned.

"Not for the reasons you think. I don't want to go back to Hydra or anything. That's not it. But that uniform… I don't feel safe without it. You heard what I said to Steve. I felt like I was all over the place, like I spilled out and covered the roof. That uniform…it kept me together. There was no place to leak out of, so to speak. It was tight, almost uncomfortably so, but that also kept me together. That's what I miss about it."

James looked down at his hands before he went on. "I know that I could have worded it better, or tried to explain it. But I was so angry at him and that was the easiest way to hurt him."

"And that you did. I haven't seen him so shaken since he realized you were still alive."

Great, now Tony was trying to make him feel bad about it; as if he didn't manage that all on his own.

"I can't apologize," James whispered. "I meant what I said. I probably would have worded it differently but I'm not apologizing for something that's true."

"And neither should you. But you could explain yourself to Steve, take the edge off your words."

"Is he going to apologize?" James couldn't help but ask and looked at Tony again.

He seemed uncomfortable with that question and shrugged. "If you ask him to, probably. Not so sure if he'd do it on his own. He can be stubborn. You know that better than anyone."

"Why are you not angry?" James suddenly asked him, needing to know why Tony was trying so hard to understand him.

"I get it. Sometimes we wish for things that seem irrational to others." James looked questioningly at him until Tony felt the need to elaborate. "Sometimes I wish for the silence in the worm hole. There was no sound, you know, nothing. I could see the other alien ships and the earth under me, but nothing made a sound and when Jarvis lost the connection to me, it was just me and my thoughts and even they seemed really far away and quiet." Tony laughed awkwardly. "That is, of course, right before I remember why it was so quiet and what's happening and then I have a panic attack again, but in the split second before that I long for the all-encompassing quiet. And it's not rational, nothing about it, but that's just the way it is."

James couldn't help but to stare at Tony after that confession. Unlike him, Tony met his gaze and eventually James had to look down again. "I didn't know that," he mumbled to his hands.

Tony didn't say anything to that, but it was quite clear that he didn't enjoy talking about it. James glanced up again, taking in his furrowed brow and clenched hands, and actually worried for a second that Tony would have a panic attack right here and now. He hoped that it wouldn't come to that because he had no idea how to help someone through an attack. He was barely able to survive his own.

But Tony only took a few deep breaths and then relaxed his hands. It seemed like he was a lot more practiced in warding off an attack than James himself was. Maybe that also explained why he seemed so good at handling James' attacks.

"Let's not talk about it anymore," Tony then said, voice rough from swallowed panic, and James readily agreed, even though it probably meant coming back to his own problems.

"What's wrong with this uniform then?" Tony asked him, bringing the conversation to their previous topic, and James looked down on it the best he could in this position. "Is it just not tight enough or is there something else that's bothering you about it? Because I can totally make something tighter for you." Tony seemed to think about something for a second and James braced for the inevitable, and kinda inappropriate in this situation, compliment, or possible even an innuende. "Would love to actually. The old uniform was kinda sexy on you. Especially with how it displayed the arm."

James suppressed a sigh, because there it was again. No matter when Tony flirted with him, it would always unavoidably come back to the arm. "I think it's just the fit that bothers me, and I appreciate your offer, but I think I'll stick to the old uniform."

Tony looked a bit disappointed at that but he covered it up quickly. "Okay. I'm sure we still have that somewhere."

James hadn't even thought about the fact that someone could have thrown it out but it would make sense if that had happened. Steve probably got rid of it right after he got James out of it for the first time. The thought brought a tiny spark of panic back but James told himself that if that was the case, Tony would just make him something new. It wouldn't be the same and he would be subjected to an afternoon of Tony flirting with him, but that wasn't really something new and so it would be fine.

"I'm gonna go look for that. Why don't you go and…" Tony started but James interrupted him.

"I'm not gonna go find Steve."

"That wasn't actually what I was gonna say. I paid attention when you mentioned you weren't about to apologize."

"Sorry," James sheepishly said but Tony didn't seem to mind.

"No problem. But I still think you should go and rest for a while. You seem pretty worn out."

That wasn't a bad idea at all and had been exactly what James had wanted to do right before Tony had cornered him. So he nodded enthusiastically now, glad to finally get away like he had wanted the second Steve had used his name on the rooftop.

James got up without another word and this time Tony let him go. James carefully made his way to his room, wary of meeting any of the other Avengers after what Tony had told him, but he made it to his room without running into anyone.

When he opened his door, he realized that he should have known better, especially with two spies in the tower, but he didn't have the brain capacity to really be surprised anymore.

Natasha was sitting on his bed, something dark draped over her lap and James didn't have to be a genius to know that it was his uniform.

"Do I even wanna know how you got that?" James asked her, deciding to not address the fact that she had invaded his space.

"I retrieved it after Steve threw it out," Natasha nonchalantly said.

So James had been right in assuming that Steve got right of it. Or had at least tried.

"Why?" James questioned but Natasha only shrugged.

"Just a hunch, really. I learned to roll with it, so I didn't think too hard about it. Gonna take it?" She offered the bundle to him and James quickly stepped forward to take it from her, before she thought better of it.

"Why are you giving this to me?"

She tilted her head slightly, but James could tell it for the act it was. Her next words only proved him right. "It's what you want, isn't it?"

Of course it was what he wanted and she damn well knew it. He decided not to play her game, too tired to think properly about the probably well-hidden meaning behind it, so he just nodded in agreement.

"Thank you," he said sincerely and she seemed to realize that she wouldn't be able to play James like she had thought because her whole demeanor changed suddenly.

"You know, you've been harsh to Steve," she said, voice hard, and James remembered with a start that she had been with him when they had fought the very first time; she had seen Steve's pain then and James didn't know how their relationship had been before but they were definitely friends now. Of course she would be pissed at him for hurting Steve.

"I know," James begrudgingly admitted and expected Natasha to demand an apology on his behalf. But she surprised him again when she said "And so has he. I didn't know he was still using your old nickname."

"He forgets sometimes. More often than not, actually."

She nodded thoughtfully and stood up. "I'll talk to him about that."

"Will you?" James asked confused and Natasha gave him a hard glare.

"It's difficult coming back after being unmade," she lowly said and James remembered that she had her own experience with that. "People need to be as supportive as they can be. Honouring one's wishes."

"You're gonna tell him that?" James couldn't help but ask and Natasha raised an eyebrow at him.

"Something wrong with that?"

"Just surprised, is all. Thought you'd take his side."

That actually made her frown. "James, there are no sides to take. If you don't want something than it's your prerogative to ask for that and demand that it happens. A 'no' is something to be taken serious."

James wondered how many times someone had disregarded her 'no' and how long it took her to learn what she just told him. He didn't ask her though, only nodded gratefully and with one last glance back she left his room.

James stared at the closed door for a while before he lowered his gaze to the uniform in his hands. He'd have to remember to tell Tony not to look for it in the morning but right now he wanted to do nothing more than to fall onto his bed and sleep. And after he placed the uniform on his dresser he did exactly that.