PROMPT: maybe when Anna comes in one day and sees elsa near the blades but it's not what it seems she's just throwing them out or thinking about how Anna makes her feel better than that something romanticcc (btw you're writing is so good I can't):)
This one hits pretty close actually because I've been caught playing with my blades before and it's.. no matter what, the reaction is different. Still, I'm taking a lot from personal experience and things for this story, for this Elsa, so I hope it hits true like my previous chapters have. And once again, this got way more into things than I meant to so it took a bit to write.
This is un beta'd also, I didn't wait because I knew I took so long to write this so sorry for any mistakes, guys!
Also, once again, TW: mentions of self harm
Waking up to the sun already beating down on her skin wasn't anything new to Elsa. Normally she slept odd hours, some days not sleeping at all. Why sleep when all that's going to come of it is a nightmare or two. Rubbing her face with one hand, she kicked her feet over the side of the bed only to blink a second later. Her door was open. It was never open while she slept so why was her door open. She swallowed past the sudden heavy ball in her throat, shaky legs gingerly moving her towards the hall when she heard it. The sizzle of something cooking accompanying the soft hum of Anna singing to herself.
Letting out a breath, Elsa's hand clutched over her heart as she closed her eyes, leaning against the door frame for a moment. That damn girl had almost given her a heart attack, or worse a panic attack, but she still couldn't stop the little smile teasing her lips. She'd called Anna last night, touched Anna last night, and even invited her to stay.
Her little moment of pride was overshadowed by a sudden burst of panic. She'd touched Anna. She'd called Anna. Anna was in her house right then cooking her some lunch. Breathing a little heavy, Elsa bit her lip and glanced down at the red lines shining back up at her from her wrist. Little scars littered her entire body but these ones, these deep dark still healing scars, were only the second to glare up at her with such ferocity. They caused Elsa's heart to hurt in her chest. She knew it wasn't just her hurt, though. After she caught Kristoff looking at them sadly during a home visit and Anna had looked about to cry the first time she'd walked around the house without her bandages, Elsa tried to keep them hidden.
Apparently the scars hadn't even been noticed by the redhead last night, the fact that Elsa willingly touched her overshadowing the sorrow that those hands held.
Elsa swallowed thick, stumbling towards the bathroom. She just needed to shower, just needed to get her head back together. Tossing her clothes onto the sink, she raked her eyes over her body in the mirror. Her fingers followed the path of lines slowly fading from her skin over time. The most prominent, the angry torn scars across her thighs, had her clenching her eyes shut for a moment.
Those had happened the day her parents died. The day her entire world shattered around her.
Taking a moment to just breathe, she tried counting in her head. Each inhale she counted to six and on each exhale she counted down from six. It was a calming ritual and it helped, even if her fingers were still tapping a little rapidly against her thighs. After a few minutes of the air being filled with Elsa's murmuring, she heard a knock on the door that brought her out of it.
Wrapping a towel around herself, she blinked slowly a few times as she opened the door, not bothering to hide the tiny smile that came when she noticed Anna standing there with a slightly nervous look on her face. "I'm sorry if I woke you.. And if I'm stalling you from showering, I just finished making some food so I wanted to see if you'd like to eat."
"Just give me a minute, please." Elsa kept her voice quiet but her words made Anna smile. She was still talking and that was apparently something that made the redhead happy. "I need to clean up first, I feel.." Did she dare explain the way she was feeling, the way she knew the water would feel against her skin. Closing her eyes, Elsa swallowed a few times, blinking them rapidly a moment later when she felt the ghost of Anna's touch against her skin.
Anna's hand hovered just above Elsa's, not quite touching but close enough so she could feel the warmth from her. "Hey, I'll just go wait in the living room. I can keep the food warm in the oven and when you're read, we can watch a movie or something while we eat. Okay?"
Elsa could feel a warmth behind her eyes but for once, it didn't sting. It was a pleasant feeling. For once, having tears spring to her eyes out of happiness instead of the deep seeded pain that settled in her soul long ago. Anna never questioned, never pushed. The redhead simply watched and listened so Elsa would be comfortable.
Before she knew what she was doing, the blonde threw herself into Anna's arms, stunning the girl for a moment. Her hands clutched Anna's waist as if they couldn't believe they were touching such warmth and her body trembled in a way she'd never felt before. She was trembling because she didn't want to let go, she never wanted this feeling to end. A few moments passed before she felt a light trembling touch slide across her back. Anna was holding her but she kept her hands from pressing Elsa in, from trapping her. The blonde felt more tears spring up at Anna's attentiveness, a choked sound escaping her mouth when she tried to speak.
"It's okay, Elsa. I've got you." It was true. Ever since that first day, Anna was always there for her and she felt a strange skip in her heart. Letting out a few breaths, she tried to count to keep herself from crying even more. Her voice was shaky as she went and for a moment, she heard Anna respond with a questioning hum.
"Counting.. It help.. It helps with calming down." Panting out a few breaths, she felt Anna shift a little. Before she could ask a soft kiss, one very similar to the one from the previous night, was pressed to the side of her head. Immediately her heart sped up but her breathing slowed down, perplexing Elsa to no end.
"Do you want me to sing again?" Anna's voice was light but obviously shadowed with concern.
"No, no I'm.. I'm okay just.. hang on." Taking a few slow breaths, unconsciously rocking them both as she tries to calm herself, Elsa finds herself pulling back a few moments later. Her cheeks were hot and she couldn't find it in herself to meet Anna's eyes. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.. I just.. I needed.. and now I need to.. I just need to shower." Biting her lip, Elsa found her fingers tapping her thighs again before she could stop them.
Anna smiled softly at the blonde, ducking her head to catch her gaze. "Hey, don't apologize for hugging me. If you're comfortable with it, you can do that whenever you want, okay?" The smile she was sporting, the glimmer in her eyes, told Elsa she was telling the truth. Also that she liked that hug as much as she did.
"Okay." The word was a breathless whisper but the fact was out there. She'd come so far in the past twelve hours, her head rushing with a slightly dizzy feeling. Her stomach held an odd feeling, one hand going up to settle onto it. "I-I.. I'm going to shower." Rocking back on her feet, Elsa caught sight of Anna's nod before she backed up and closed the door between them.
Taking a deep breath, she leaned back against the door. "Get it together." Elsa swallowed past the lump in her throat, one hand holding just above her heart. The shower seemed like an easier idea now and at the same time it seemed even worse. She rarely took showers, choosing baths even though they seemed a little more hazardous to her health. Showers made her feel like a crazy person sometimes. Enough times that she didn't see the point in trying when she could avoid it all together.
Now, though, she just wanted to get it over with. As much as she liked touching Anna, she wasn't used to it and it left her skin feeling odd. Blinking at the curtain, she dropped her towel and turned on the water. It didn't sound bad, it sounded like water and she didn't feel the need to run. She stepped into the water as she took a deep breath.
Elsa bit her lip, trying to get used to the water as she ducked her hair under it. This would be alright, this would be okay. She'd clean up quick and be out in no time. No need for bad feelings.
Except she couldn't stop them even if she wanted to, those horrible feelings Elsa was oh so used to. They ravaged her mind and beat down on her body almost constantly. This time, they wormed their way into the water just as she thought she'd escape without a hitch. As she was rinsing off her skin, it hit her, the strange feeling of water changing into something dark. Letting out a shaky breath, she tried to ignore how the droplets now felt like they were crawling, squirming over her.
As much as she tried, she couldn't stop the strangled noise that escaped her mouth as she slammed her hand down to shut the water off. Her body got tangled in the curtain a bit, tripping as she tied to get out. Breath came in pants by the time she had the towel wrapped around her again. Elsa's hands trembled in a need, her skin still crawling.
She could feel them, on ever bit of exposed flesh. Water felt like bugs, creeping along her skin wherever the drops went. Her eyes stung with the want to cry as she leaned into the counter. This wasn't anything, she could see the water and she knew it was water. Yet her skin crawled, itched even, and she just wanted to get it to stop.
Anything to make it stop.
Fumbling around in the medicine cabinet, Elsa dug out her little box, dropping it onto the sink a moment later as if it had burned her fingers. Licking her lips, she just stared, fingers gently flipping the top of it off.
Two blades sparkled up at her from inside the box, laying on top of a bed made of bandages and gauze. Elsa just looked down at them for a moment, hands shaking as she reached forward. Her arm faltered a few times before she finally grabbed one of them, flipping the smooth blade between her fingers.
And then. Nothing.
There was no longer the impulse to dig into skin, for once the bugs stopped crawling and her mind quieted down. Silence except for one resonating whisper.
"It's okay, Elsa. I've got you." Her mind played Anna's voice as if she were right there to gently speak in her ear, the warmth of those words leaving a warmth in her chest. Her breath hitched, chest heaving for a moment as she tried to decipher this feeling. It was different from how she felt around Kristoff and different from how she felt about her parents. Stronger, deeper, and infinitely more powerful.
It scared her even as it made her feel like her feet were floating right off the ground. Anna made her feel things she'd never really felt before and the redhead seemed to care about her right back.
Head swimming, Elsa didn't hear the four knocks against the bathroom door. Anna heard her gasping, heard her almost fall, and she wanted to make sure the blonde was alright. Unfortunately, Elsa was in her head and didn't notice how frantic the knocks seemed to be getting. She noticed, however, when Anna burst through the door looking as if she thought Elsa might have escaped through the bathroom sky light. Eyes wide, Elsa turned to look at the other woman, completely confused at the worried and slightly frightened look Anna was giving her.
"Elsa? What are you doing?" Her eyes flickered between Elsa's and her hands. The taller girl realized she was still touching her blade and she quickly put it back in the box, flushing a deep red.
"I-I wasn't. Well, I was but I.. I didn't.. I stopped because I.." Grunting, Elsa dropped her head into her hands. She jumped slightly when she noticed Anna had stepped up close until they were almost touching. "I heard you. I mean I-I heard what you said. In my head. It was dark but then it got quiet. The blades, they make it quiet. This time though.. I didn't even use them I just.. You said you've got me and I.. I just didn't.. I mean I might have but I.. I'm not sure."
By this time Elsa was babbling, cheeks flaming as she tried to tuck into herself. Anna on the other hand was beaming and she lifted one hand out for Elsa to take, her smile only growing when a tentative hand slipped into hers. "I do, you know? Anytime you need me, I'll be here to catch you."
Biting her lip, Elsa simply nodded before flushing even more, finally realizing that Anna had been looking at her in a towel. Hugged her in a towel. Whimpering a little, she shifted on her feet, hugging one arm tight around her to make sure the fabric didn't fall.
"Get dressed, I'll wait." True to her word, a few minutes later when Elsa emerged in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, Anna was there waiting. The redhead giggled causing Elsa to look down at herself in confusion. "That's my shirt, I must have left it there when I changed the other day." Elsa looked about ready to implode, her cheeks flushing once again as she opened her mouth to say she'd change. "No, no, it's alright. You keep it, it looks better on you."
"Can we.. Can we just eat now?" Elsa's voice was small, embarrassed and Anna felt her heart thud in her chest.
"Of course, Elsa. Come on." She led the blonde to her chair, letting her get comfortable before she brought out a plate of food from the kitchen.
"You know I-I.. I'm not throwing them out." At Anna's look, she bit her lip for a moment before continuing. "My box. I just.. I'm not ready to toss them. I need.. I need a silence. They make it quiet and sometimes I just.. Sometimes I just need to know they're around. If not, I don't know what I might.. What I might try to use." By the time she finished, Elsa was rocking slightly in her chair, her fork just pushing her food about.
"It's okay, I wasn't expecting you to just toss them and be happy." Anna waited for Elsa to nod before she kept going. "It's going to take time and there's a huge possibility that you might never get over needing to have them around. Still, I'll be here to help you. Whether it's help with throwing the box out or help wrapping a new injury you may have caused. I'll be here. I made a promise, didn't I?"
Humming softly, Elsa nodded. She let her hair hide her face as she started to eat, content to just watch Anna move about the room to get things cleaned up a bit. "Thank you." THe redhead turned to look at her, little smile curling the corners of her mouth. Elsa couldn't help but catch her gaze as she smiled right back.
