Clary's POV
After a half-hour of driving around aimlessly I decided to swallow my pride and head over to Simon's mother's house. I had to face Simon eventually and I figured I might as well get this over with now. Simon was my oldest friend. Before he ever went off to college in Alaska and I ever moved in with Jace, Simon was the person that knew me the best. I knew Simon had the biggest crush on Izzy, so I figured bringing her along would help soften him, but it didn't work. I spent the next two hours listening to the words I told you so way too many times.
"…I'm just saying…I told you so." I glowered at his back. I was sitting on the edge of his bed, leaning back against my hands, kicking my feet in agitation. Simon was pacing the room with a Playstation controller in his hand and his eyes glued to some video game he was playing. He's pretty average height, around 5 feet 10 inches. He's maybe 150 pounds soaking wet, no muscle or fat really on him. He has short curly brown hair and these oversized glasses that frame his chocolate brown eyes. He was wearing his average apparel, a rather loss fitting pair of jeans, which I couldn't help thinking it was way too hot for, and a black gamer t-shirt.
"Simon I think you missed my point." I snapped.
"No Clary, I'm sure I didn't. I think you're refusing to listen to mine…I agree with you..." Simon said forcefully. I nodded in self satisfaction before I glanced over my shoulder at Izzy. She was sitting in the center of the bed with her legs drawn up. She was going through my purse, but I don't know what she thought she'd find in there.
"You hear that Izzy, Simon agrees with me." I muttered under my breath. Izzy just rolled her eyes at me and shook her head.
"…It doesn't matter if I agree with you Clary, that's not the point!…I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say he's been flirting with you since the day he met you…So what did you do about it?" He spat.
"What?" I asked quizzically. Simon made an irritated noise.
"You've been hung up on this guy for some nine years…Pretty pathetic if you ask me, but whatever…" I scowled at his back, but he never turned away from his game.
"…Somebody always has to make the first move, take the chance of being rejected…Why do you girls always act like that's our job? Where's your grand gesture, your moment of truth, your leap of faith, the moment you took the chance and put yourself out there?...Even when you went off on him like a lunatic for no reason other than that he got engaged, which just so you know is not the customary way one receives such enormous news, you never even stayed around to hear what he had to say to you…You won't even face him now that you finally told him how you feel. You just want to blame him for not reading your mind and knowing exactly how you felt about him all this time…You women are so confusing…You want a guy that courts you a certain way and asks you out in a grand romantic gesture, you still think we should say I love you first, but you killed those ideologies with the Sexual Revolution…Don't get me wrong, I'm all for equality for women...But suck it up and realize that Mr. Darcy and Mr. Knightley don't exist, not anymore-" I scoffed.
"I'm sure there's a happy medium Simon. I really don't think I'm setting women back by expecting that a guy would ask me out if he likes me?"
"You're unbelievable you know that?…If we lived in a place and time that it was completely unacceptable for you to have asked him out, I would have had all the sympathy in the world for you Clary, but we don't and I don't. It's July 26, 2008, stop living in your Jane Austen books. It's not even frowned upon for a girl to ask a guy out. I would think that was the hottest thing ever if a girl asked me out…" I just rolled my eyes.
"…I can feel you rolling your eyes right now Clary…" I heard Izzy chuckle and I just cast her a little glare.
"…I know you, and I bet you wouldn't have even been receptive to him if he had made a move." I took an exasperated breath.
"What's that's supposed to mean?" I asked indigently.
"You know exactly what I mean Clary. You push anybody away from you that even wants to get close to you…I wouldn't be surprised if that guy had tried to make a move at some point, or maybe even at several different times, but you just kept him at an arms length away…Even on Christmas Eve, if he was really going in for a kiss, I bet you clamed up and turned away before he could kiss you…You ever watch a chick flick? The girl usually leans in, meets the guy halfway, gives him the silent encouragement that she wants to be kissed. You said it yourself, you turned away. No lean, no kiss…There's only so much of that a person can take before they give up…No matter what you girls think, there isn't a guy on this planet that's telepathic…I just can't see how you are so pissed off at him when you never even told him how you felt...Even if Jace has the biggest ego in the world like you say he does, it doesn't mean he doesn't ever feel self-conscious, it just means he's a lot better at hiding it than the rest of us…If he felt like you were repeatedly rejecting him, which I can completely see you doing even without thinking, he's eventually going to stop putting himself out there-"
"But Jace-" I whined defensively, but Simon quickly cut me off.
"No, but Jace Clary…You want to put all this on Jace, and I'll be the first to admit I don't like the guy, but I can't find a reason to blame him…You never told him how you felt and whether or not the guy was flirting with you, he never came right out and told you he had feelings for you…You know I want to be in your corner rooting you on, but I just can't this time…I have a unique perspective on all this…" I rolled my eyes and took an exasperated breath. I was afraid he was going to eventually dredge this up.
"…I can see the similarities in what happened between us Clary…"
"I'm sure you can." I mumbled under my breath. Even all these years later I hated when he brought this up. I knew Izzy was aware that Simon used to have the biggest crush on me when we were little, but he didn't know Izzy knew that. I was surprised he would bring this up in front of her seeing he was completely infatuated with her.
"…I don't know if you're aware Izzy, but I use to have a little crush on Clary." I glanced over my shoulder at Izzy and she cast me a little amused smile before she redirected her gaze to Simon.
"A little crush Simon?" Izzy asked obviously suppressing a chuckle. Simon took a deep breath.
"Ok, it was a huge crush…I admit it…Just about from that very day I met her, until she moved right before sixth grade…We got together everyday after school and on the weekends and we had sleepovers all the time. We were just about inseparable. The only problem, I didn't realize how much she thought of me like a brother, while I was completely head over heels for her…The summer before sixth grade she moved, and right before she left I mustered up the courage to tell her how I felt, but it took her completely by surprised. She had no idea. The next couple years were pretty awkward between us, but we worked through it…I was hurt…angry…embarrassed…and just disappointment, but after I had a chance to let go of some of that, I realized deep down I'd rather be her friend then not have her in my life at all…You and Jace will work through this Clary, but you're the one that has to be the bigger person and realize he's just going to be your friend-"
"So you think this is just karma getting back at me? That's so not fair!" I snapped.
"Karma's a bitch and life's not fair Clary, grow up…" Simon stated firmly, but then softened his tone a bit.
"…Clary it's like Cocoa-"
"Not that kitten again Simon." I pleaded as I threw my hands over my face and dropped back onto his bed.
"What kitten?" Izzy asked quizzically. I heard the sharp intake of air at the same time as the room fell silent. I picked up my head and parted my fingers just enough to peek out and see Simon looking at Izzy with his mouth agape.
"You haven't heard the story about Cocoa?" Simon asked incredulously. I knew this was going to be serious because he actually paused his game.
"Cocoa?" Izzy questioned.
"Don't encourage him." I muttered as I collapsed back against the bed again.
"So it was the day I met Clary…" I remembered this story like it was yesterday, probably because of how often Simon retold it. Although, it might have changed slightly through the years, he tended to exaggerate at times.
"…I was eight years old and it was a hot summer day in early August…" He was fading into his overly theatrical story telling voice and I just rubbed my hands over my face and shook my head.
"…My father had picked me up early and taken me out for part of the day. I remember I had M&M pancakes that morning with a little smiley face, two eyes made out of strawberry slices and a whip cream mouth. I didn't see my father that often since my parents divorced a year before, so this was a real treat...Although, he said that very morning that he'd come around more, but he didn't. Yeah he worked a lot, I get that, but every other weekend. My mother said I was supposed to see him every other weekend, can you believe that-" Simon's voice had started to pick up that resentful tone it always took on whenever he spoke about his father, so I quickly cut him off before he spiraled too far off topic.
"Please spare us the details of your strained relationship with your father." I pleaded halfheartedly. Simon scoffed.
"Fine!…" He took an exasperated breath.
"…So after we went to the comic book store where he continued to attempt to buy my affection with a few new comic books-"
"Simon!" I snapped tightly. He didn't acknowledge me this time, but he moved along.
"So, I had just said goodbye to him in the lobby of my mother's apartment complex and I was riding up the elevator alone. It's a bit of a ride up to the fifteenth floor, so I decided to take my book bag off and dig out one of my new comic books…When the clunky old elevator finally reached my floor, I got off and started wandering down the hallway with my book bag in one hand and a comic book in the other. I was completely engrossed in my new comic book, which is why I didn't notice the obstacle in the hallway until my book bag bounced off of it and it let out with a little yelp…I looked down and there sitting on the floor in the hallway, halfway between the elevators and the door to my mother's apartment, was this tiny little girl…"
"I wasn't tiny!" I sputtered defensively, but Simon just ignored me and continued.
"…She had strawberry blonde hair, much lighter than that coppery shiny penny color she has now, and she had glasses back then with thick blue frames that just seemed to make her eyes look this vibrant shade of green-"
"My eyes don't look green anymore?" I asked quizzically as I sat up partway so I was leaning up against my elbows.
"No, they obviously look green, they just looked a different shade of green back then, kind of teal blue-green, like the ocean-"
"When was the last time you went to the beach Simon? The ocean looks brown." Simon made an irritated noise.
"I'm not talking about the oceans around here Clary, I'm talking about oceans with beautiful blue-green water, like Aruba. Now your eyes look deeper green, like grass."
"Well I've never been to Aruba, but great, my eyes use to look like beautiful blue-green ocean water, and now they're ugly grass green." I snapped indignantly.
"Ahhhh….I never said your eyes looked ugly Clary. Your eyes have always been beautiful-"
"God, her hair was red, her eyes were green, and they still are. I get it…" Izzy snapped impatiently.
"…Just tell me about this stupid cat before I lose all interest." Izzy wasn't prone to snap so harshly, at least not without reason, and I just glanced at her over my shoulder with a quizzical expression. She took a deep breath and rolled her eyes.
"Sorry…I'm kind of going through a dry spell. I'm just so sexually frustrated." Simon started coughing violently and I redirected my gaze to him. He looked beet red.
"Anyway…" Simon voice sounded slightly broken. He cleared his throat excessively before he continued.
"…In Clary's lap was an itsy bitsy black kitten-"
"At least he didn't call you itsy bitsy." Izzy jested under her breath and I couldn't help but chuckle.
"…Are you two going to keep interrupting?" Simon snapped.
"I'll stop interrupting if you stop embellishing." I argued
"Fine!…I'll attempt to be more concise…" Simon snapped.
"…Where was I…"
I let my mind relive the memory as Simon spoke…
"Little girl, you shouldn't be out here alone. Where's your mommy?" The brown eyed boy sounded sincere, but I just glowered at him as I stood up and put my hands on my hips. I could only absentmindedly think about the kitten that had been in my lap as it tumbled onto the ground with a little cry.
"Little girl? Little girl? I'll be eight at the end of the month I'll have you know. Little girl? Hump!" I'm short, so everybody always assumes I'm younger than I am. I spun around and went to storm away as I felt a hand gently grab at my arm.
"I'm sor-…Oh no…Your kitten!" I saw a little ball of black fur race past me and the boy right behind it.
"That's my kitten!" I snapped as I watched the boy scoop Cocoa up off the ground. I caught up to him a moment later and yanked Cocoa out of his hands. I put Cocoa over my shoulder as I spun around and started to stalk away back in the direction we had just come. I had no idea where my apartment was, but I didn't want to get too far away from where I had been sitting before.
"What would you have done if he ran away?" The boy asked. I shrugged.
"Get another one that looks just like him." I said evenly. He stopped in his tracks and for some reason I felt compelled to stop too.
"What?" I asked indignantly.
"That's an awful thing to say." He said as he shook his head.
"Why?" He looked completely flabbergasted.
"My dog died a few weeks ago. My parents got him before I was born." Little tears started running down his cheeks. I took a deep breath and found my feet covering the short distance between us. I rubbed his back gently like my mother always did when I was upset.
"There, there…Are you sad because your mom won't let you get another dog?" He glowered at me as he pulled away and swatted at his tears.
"No! I'm upset that my dog died. I don't want a new dog. I want my dog back." The kitten was squirming in my hands and as I felt his little razor sharp nails rip across the back of my hand I hastily put him down on the ground. I glanced down as two little red lines welled up on the back of my right hand and I felt my eyes start to burn as tears threatened. Before I could go running for my mother I noticed the boy was holding Cocoa again and I was immediately distracted.
"That's my kitten!" I snapped as I went to reach for Cocoa, but the boy kept him out of my reach.
"You'll lose him if you keep putting him down like that." He snapped. I shrugged as I went to reach for him again.
"I told you, my mom will get me another one." He narrowed his eyes at me as he pulled Cocoa out of my reach again.
"He's not a toy you know. You can't just get another one and have it be the same." I shrugged.
"I'll get a better one next time then…" I glanced down at my hand.
"…One that doesn't scratch me." I muttered. I went to reach for Cocoa again, but the boy just kept him out of my reach and glared at me.
"Where are your parents? You can't take care of this kitten. You'll lose it." I glared right back at him as I crossed my arms over my chest, but I quickly glanced around looking to see if I could find any indication of where my mother was.
"My mom is around here somewhere and my dad is still in London." I glanced back at him and he had a quizzical expression on his face.
"London?...Is that in Brooklyn?" I giggled.
"London's not even in New York…It's on the other side of the ocean." He furrowed his eyes at me.
"That sounds far." I nodded.
"We took a plane to get here. You can't drive."
"When's your dad coming here then?" I shook my head and furrowed my eyebrows.
"He's not." I bit at my bottom lip nervously and felt a few tears escape.
"Did your parents get divorced?" I nodded my head as a few more tears trickled down my cheeks and I wiped at them.
"Yeah. I think that's what they called it. They aren't together anymore." My voice wavered as I spoke. The boy handed me back Cocoa and before I could stop him, he put his arms around me and patted me gently on the back. I nuzzled my face into Cocoa and tried to use him to wipe away the tears.
"It will ok. My parents are divorced too."
"Oh Clary, there you are honey..." My mother's voice startled me and I jumped away from the boy.
"…I was worried when you weren't where I left you…" My mother said as she walked down the hallway towards me.
"…The movers are almost done sweetheart, just a few more boxes to go. Your room is all set if you wanted to take a look..." She gave me a tender smile as she reached down and smoothed my hair.
"…Still sad about the move baby?" She asked gently. I nodded and she rubbed my back.
"…It looks like you're already making friends." My mother said in an encouraging voice as she glanced at the boy. I looked back at the brown eyed boy that now had a big goofy smile on his face.
"Oh…Yeah…I guess…This is…I actually don't know his name." I said as I scrunched up my face and shook my head. He adjusted his glasses before he put his hand out to my mother.
"Simon. My name is Simon Lewis. It's a pleasure to meet you." My mother smiled as she shook his hand.
"It's nice to meet you too Simon. I'm Clary's mother, Ms. Fairchild." I glanced at my mother sideways. It was so weird for her to refer to herself as Ms. Fairchild. She'd been Mrs. Morgenstern my whole life…
"So what happened to Cocoa?" Izzy asked with all the concern in the world. I couldn't help but chuckle as I looked up over my shoulder at her.
"Don't worry, he's fine. He's alive and well and enjoying the life of a country cat. My mom and Luke took him when they moved." I said in an amused voice.
"What she should have said is that she got rid of him when she moved!" Simon snapped.
"Oh god, you act like I dumped him off on the side of a busy highway…" I muttered as I redirected my gaze to Simon.
"…Jace is allergic to cats. I couldn't have taken him with me if I wanted to-"
"You could have, you just choose to cater to him-" Simon started.
"Clary, how come you don't carry your birth control in your purse?" Izzy asked suddenly in a matter-of-fact tone. Simon started another coughing fit, but this time I ignored him as I glanced over my shoulder and gave Izzy a disapproving look when I realized she had the majority of the contents of my purse spread across the bed. I snatched my purse out of her hand and started carelessly shoving everything back into it.
"Do you ever stop thinking about sex?" I snapped.
"I'm serious, no birth control pills, no condoms, no diaphragm-"
"Izzy, I'm not on the pill and I don't carry any of those other things because I'm not planning on having sex anytime soon."
"I think that's the saddest thing I've heard all day. I always plan on having sex. I like it to be spontaneous and in the heat of the moment." Simon's coughing fit was taking on a violent turn for the worse.
"You have the attention span of a gnat Izzy, you know that?" I spat. Izzy chuckled.
"No I don't, I just have a one tract mind lately. It's been like a month Clary, I'm going crazy. I don't know how you do it…Let's just go out to a club and find a couple hot guys to go home with, that will make us both feel better."
"Going home with a strange guy is not my idea of a good time Izzy. Plus, I weigh 100 pounds, I'd never be able to fight off a guy if he ended up being a total psychopath. I'll end up handcuffed to a bed in a basement for the rest of my life." I shuddered at the thought.
"We could both go home with the same guy…That way I could kick his ass for you if he was a complete lunatic…I've always said if you want to experiment I'm up for that." I rolled my eyes and redirected my gaze to Simon and his dramatic display of discomfort. His face was tomato red and he had resorted to taking his inhaler to try to subdue his coughing fit.
"Look what you're doing to poor Simon, he looks like he's about to drop dead…" Simon scowled at me as he sucked in another puff of his inhaler. I tried to get the conversation back on tract.
"…How come you left out the part where you cried when you told me your dog died?" I asked with a little heartfelt smile.
"You cried?" Izzy asked very sweetly. Simon rolled his eyes as he cleared his throat a few more times.
"Oh yeah…You should have seen how cute he looked with little tears just trickling down cheeks-"
"Whether or not I cried is not the point!" Simon snapped in a slightly elevated tone.
"I might have missed the point Simon." Izzy said hesitantly.
"Because you weren't paying any attention to me at all! You were just thinking about sex the whole time!…" Simon spat in an irritated tone, but the uneasiness of the topic was clear in the oddly high octave his voice took on. Izzy and I both let out a little chuckle.
"…Ugh…Clary treats everything like that kitten. She acts like she's completely self-sufficient and she doesn't need anything or anybody, but if you ask me, I think on the inside she's petrified of getting attached to anything or anyone, because she has a colossal fear of loss…Think about it…She has very few close friends and barely ever dates…" He redirected his gaze to me as he continued, although at this point I was scowling at him.
"…You replaced Jonathan with me and then me with Jace…" I could hear Izzy ask who's Jonathan, but neither Simon nor I acknowledged her as he continued.
"…You loved us all, probably still do, but not the same way...Maybe it was your age, or where you were in your life, but I bet under different circumstances those feelings you have for Jace could have just as easily been the same platonic feelings you felt for me…You get too wrapped up in fairytales and believing that there is one person for everyone and you're so sure without a doubt that Jace is your Mr. Right, but I think that's a load of crap. I think there are lots of people that are compatible with each other…Maybe you and Jace would have been compatible, but it doesn't mean he's the only compatible person out there for you…Maybe him and Aline are just as compatible as you and him would have been…."
"…Just knowing who you are though, I wonder if deep down you really ever wanted him to know how you felt, or if you were too afraid of what might happen if he knew…I bet it was never even a question if Jace was going to reject you, I bet that's not what you were afraid of at all, you have a million stories that make you so sure he had feelings for you, I bet you were just too afraid if you let him too close, you wouldn't be able to cope if he left you some day…Like your mom left your dad… It's almost as if you waited to tell Jace until you knew he wouldn't do anything about it…"
"…He's getting married, and you want everybody to believe you're devastated, but I bet you're equally relieved. You always felt like you'd lose him, and now you've just accepted that you have and you can move on with your life…Just about any other girl would be fighting tooth and nail for their guy right now. They'd be throwing themselves at the guy, begging him to choose them, doing anything in the world they can think of, but not you, you're playing nice with the fiancée and avoiding Jace at all costs until you can find a clean escape and then you'll run like the wind…"
"…I don't doubt you're mad as hell right now and I bet you're hurting more than you let on, but at the end of the day, don't forget he's still your friend…And I know you're an expert at cutting people out of your life, and that's your go to contingency plan, but I can't believe you'd really cut him out. Not for this. He didn't do anything wrong. He didn't break your heart, not intentionally; you set yourself up to have your heart broken…"
"…Do you even realize you took what should be one of the happiest days in his life and now it will forever be tainted because you decided to make it about you? The only kudos I can give you right now is that you didn't wait to speak up at his wedding when they give the whole speak now or forever hold your peace bit. I know you Clary, and I know you can find it in yourself to be happy that he's happy...I also know you're the most stubborn person I've ever met, so don't sit around stewing waiting for an apology, because the way I see it, you're the one that should say I'm sorry first. If I was Jace, I don't know if I'd feel bad right now, to tell you the truth, I think I'd be a little pissed off at you at the moment…" I hadn't realized how close to crying I was until I felt a few tears trickle down my cheeks. I collapsed back against the bed and put my hands over my face. I let out a throaty little whimper of defeat and only absentmindedly registered Izzy stroking my hair.
"…Clary, I didn't mean to make you cry…" I couldn't really register whatever else Simon was saying as he came over and sat beside me on the bed. Out of everybody, I was so sure Simon would have been on my side, he always hated Jace. Although, he wasn't one to candy coat anything and if I didn't want a frank answer, I shouldn't have asked him. Simon was right about a few things though, one of which being that it never even once crossed my mind how I was ruining what should have been one of the happiest days in Jace's life by dropping this bomb on him last night. I should have never told him like I did. That was an awful thing to do. He probably was mad at me, he had every right to be, which I couldn't help absentmindedly thinking was another reason to avoid him. I took a deep breath and dropped my hands to my side. I looked up and saw both Izzy and Simon leaning over me giving me encouraging smiles.
"We should get going." I said somberly as I got up.
"Clary-" Simon started.
"No, it's late. I bet your mom is going to come knocking on your door any minute." His mother is a little crazy. Apparently Simon still has a curfew, even at twenty. After a moderate protest from Simon, and now feeling even more melancholy than before, Izzy and I headed out.
As much as I knew I needed to face the music and just talk to Jace, I was far from ready, so over the next couple hours Izzy and I drove around waiting in vain for Alec to send us a text saying the happy couple had left. I really didn't feel like talking anymore, so Izzy talked for a little while about trivial things, but I think she realized she was talking more at me than to me, so she eventually just turned up the radio and gave up. Finally, at just before midnight, Izzy decided to send a text to Alec.
Did you forget?
Nope. We're playing Bullshit.
WTF. You're playing cards? We're tired.
So come back. They're talking about just staying the night anyway.
Well let me know. If they're staying, we'll stay at Clary's.
You sure? You don't have anything Izzy. No purse, no makeup, no curling iron.
Why do I feel like you're manipulating me?
I am. Max already told Jace that Clary's moving in. It didn't go over well.
Ok, we'll stay at Clary's then…I guess.
Alright, but heads-up I have to tell Jace. He already made me promise.
What? Why? Don't tell him.
He has dirt on me.
So do I.
Mine is worse than yours, mine involves compromising photos.
Jace?
Yep.
Screw you.
I just want to talk to Clary.
She doesn't feel like talking right now.
I just want to see her. I miss her.
You'll see her tomorrow night. Big double date!
Ugh! Izzy, come on, she's my best friend!
Bye Jace.
So does that mean you are or aren't coming back here?
"So where to next?" Izzy asked as she put her cell in an empty cup holder in the center console. She had read each message to me, though by the time Jace started sending text messages I really didn't want to hear them anymore. I continued to hear her phone beeping with each new text message, but she didn't even glance at them. The evening was already gloomy, but the light drizzle that started to spit across the windshield just added to the bleakness of the mood. We stopped at a 24 hour Dunkin Donuts and sat and drank our coffees in near silence. There was something mildly comforting about the rich smell of coffee. Izzy had briefly attempted to engage me in idle conversation, but I just felt depleted emotionally and physically right now.
After driving around aimlessly for a little while longer it started to rain harder. The raindrops bounced gently off the windshield and I could just about imagine Jace reclining his seat back and closing his eyes to let the rhythmic sound lull him to sleep. I wasn't sure what to do, but I couldn't drive forever and I was exhausted at this point anyway. I was really questioning if my coffee had been decaf instead of regular. I drove Izzy home just after 2:00 only to find all the lights in the house off, though Jace's car was still in the driveway. Izzy seemed a little irked about having to run from my car to the front door in the rain, but she didn't complain too much about it. Izzy hadn't even closed the front door all the way before Jace was throwing it open. Jace was just in running shorts, he didn't even have on a shirt. I was a chicken. I just shook my head and hastily backed out of the driveway. He wouldn't have worn that to dinner, and he wouldn't have changed if he wasn't planning on staying the night. I was banking on the fact that Aline wouldn't put up with him making her drive back to the apartment at this point. I had my destination set, I was going home. He might get there before I woke up, but right now, I was almost too tired to care.
Jace's POV
I shoved my fingers into my damp hair in frustration and grabbed onto two tight fistfuls of hair to the point of causing actual pain to my scalp. I watched Clary back out of the driveway for the second time today. She was driving me crazy. I just wanted to talk to her, though I still had no idea what I was going to say. I heard the tapping of heels on the wooden front steps behind me and glanced over my shoulder to see Izzy. She covered the short distance between us and held out a set of keys in her hand as she rolled her eyes.
"Go…Take my car…I'll makeup something to tell Aline…I'll send her home in your car tomorrow." She said lazily.
"I-"
"She's exhausted, I know she'll go straight home…She's been a mess since last night Jace…so have you…As much as I'd like to pretend I can make her feel better, I know I can't, not like you can…I know you need her as much as she needs you right now…Just don't do anything stupid like sleep with her and make everything worse." She jingled the keys out in front of me and I didn't hesitate again before I snatched them out of her hand. I turned around without a single word and jogged towards her car. I could only absentmindedly register the soft damp grass under my bare feet, but I never thought twice about going back inside to get shoes. I climbed in Izzy's car and took off in the direction Clary had gone.
I barely slept the night before, but I was too focused to let fatigue hinder me in the slightest. The drive to the apartment seemed quicker than normal, but I was probably driving well over the speed limit. I swiftly maneuvered through the parking garage and hesitated only when I passed Clary's empty designated parking space. I didn't even have time for my mind to wonder where she was before I saw headlights behind me and easily recognized Clary's car. I parked Izzy's car in my spot and jumped out of the car. Clary was several parking spaces closer to the elevator and I hastily rushed over to catch up with her. She hadn't seemed to notice me as she stood waiting for the elevator. I put my hand down on her shoulder and quickly spun her around. She let out a small gasp as shock and surprise quickly washed over her face, but I didn't even give her a second to react as I automatically pulled her into a tight hug.
"Jace-" She started as she tried to pull away, but I tightened my arms around her as I quickly cut her off.
"Please don't. I just…I miss you…I…I miss you." The words just stumbled out without a single thought and I really hadn't meant for them to sound so overwhelming urgent.
"I know…Me too." She whispered as she collapsed back against me. She buried her face into my chest and her arms wrapped around my body. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. For a moment it was just like old times. I felt a couple droplets of water trickle down my abdomen and I realized she was crying at the same time I heard her sniffle. My arms tightened around her reflexively. As twisted as this whole thing was, this was all I wanted right now, all I needed. I just wanted to be here for her. It's hard enough to know she's upset and falling apart without being able to comfort her. It was silent for several minutes. I was just content to be holding her in my arms. I didn't want to say anything else and ruin this moment. Even though I knew Clary was upset, and I was sure it was completely because of me, there was still a reassurance I felt just holding her. I felt her body relaxing more and more against mine and I smiled a little at the thought, but when her arms fell limp at my sides and her body become heavy in my arms, I couldn't help but laugh, which jolted her awake.
"You're completely exhausted." I whispered softly. It was as much an accusation as a statement. Clary chuckled slightly as she pulled her hands up in front of her so her palms were resting gently against my bare torso, and she leaned her forehead against my chest. I was suddenly very aware I wasn't wearing a shirt. It was far from the first time I held her in this same position, but for some reason, right now, I was realizing just how intimately I was holding her. Was I really so blind not to notice how she felt? She never reacted to me like other girls did, but I couldn't honestly say she didn't react at all. Moments like these, the way she'd let me hold her, had to have meant so much more to her than I ever knew. There was a time I wished she had feelings for me, a time I wondered what it would be like if when I held her in my arms it meant as much to her as it did to me, but those feelings were gone, I thought those feelings were gone anyway, but right now I really wasn't sure. I tried not to focus on how natural this felt, it should feel awkward considering the last 24 hours, but it didn't, it felt right.
After briefly getting lost in the moment, my focus redirected to Clary as her body started to tense and without a word she stood up a little straighter in my arms. I couldn't help fixating on the fact she wouldn't look me in the eyes. Although, I couldn't help the feeling of relief I felt that she hadn't pulled away from me either. I tried to clear my mind and just focus on doing whatever I could to make her feel better. I just needed to be here for her.
We stood quietly for a moment longer before I pressed the call button for the elevator. I held her close as I gently smoothed her hair and she took a deep breath as she relaxed back into my arms. The elevator dinged open and I silently ushered her in with one arm around her waist as she leaned her head sideways against me. I could tell her eyes were open as I glanced down at her, but she still wouldn't look at me, nor had she spoken again. Had it been a week ago, I wouldn't have thought this odd at all, but right now I had a strange feeling that what I was doing was wrong. Not that we were doing anything, we were just standing together, my arm around her, like we had done so many times before, but this time it felt different, and it was that feeling that made me feel like I was doing something I shouldn't be.
When we stopped on our floor we silently moved down the hallway and into the apartment. Neither one of us said a word as we strolled smoothly through the apartment or when I automatically stayed right at her side as we went into her bedroom. She never pulled away from me or gave me any indication she wanted me to leave. I had a small feeling I shouldn't be here with her, definitely not here in her bedroom, not now, not after everything that had happened, but that feeling was fading away and the rationalization that we had done this a hundred times before was wining over.
Without explanations or excuses or apologies or any words at all we laid down together in her bed; her fully clothed and me just in the running shorts I had been wearing. The overhead light was off, but a small lamp on her nightstand emitted a dull yellow glow into the room. I held her tightly, like I had done so many times before, and she nestled into my chest, into my embrace. I didn't know if she wanted to talk, but unwilling to break the silence, I just savored the moment. In no time at all I felt her body relax and her breathing become steady, and though I was exhausted and could easily fall asleep too if I tried, I couldn't help but fight the urge to sleep as I just stared down at the peaceful red head sleeping in my arms. I couldn't help but smile. Clary always made me happy, even without trying. I tightened my arms around her without thinking and she stirred. She glanced up at me with heavy lidded eyes. It was the first time she had actually looked me in the eye since she stormed off the veranda, but she looked like she was barely awake. She might have been looking right at me, but I really doubted she was thinking clearly.
"Sorry, did I wake you?" I whispered. She stretched slightly and shook her head as she blinked a couple times, but she looked like she was really fighting to keep her eyes opened.
"No…" She mumbled sounding terribly groggy. I was pretty sure she was lying. I smiled in amusement and leaned forward and gently kissed her forehead. She made a little content noise, which just caused my lips to involuntarily turn up further.
"…Were you going to leave?" She asked sleepily, but I can't deny I was happy to hear the subtle disappointment in her voice. A nagging thought in the back of my head was telling me I should go, go back to my room if not all the way back to my parents, but I found myself reluctant to leave her. I was content here. I was content to be holding Clary in my arms and just lying in this bed with her. It was a calming happiness that was much more noticeable after all the tension that had been between us over the last day. It was a tranquility I associated with Clary, but nobody else, not even Aline made me feel this way.
"Not unless you wanted me to." I said softly as I reached my hand out and gently pushed a few stray curls out of her face. The corner of her lips curved up slightly.
"Stay." She murmured as her eyes closed for the last time. I smiled further as I brought my lips to her forehead for another soft kiss. I carefully reached over and turned off the lamp on her nightstand. I wrapped my arms securely around her and she nuzzled back into my chest.
"Goodnight Jace." She breathed softly.
"Goodnight Clary." I kissed the top of her head and held her tighter. I smiled to myself as I felt her body relax further and her breathing become steady; she was already asleep. Everything was going to be alright between us, I could just feel it. The soft tapping of raindrops against her window just added to the peacefulness of this moment. I finally closed my eyes and let serenity wash over me. Right on the edge of awake and asleep, my body suddenly tensed and my eyes shot open as a baffling realization dawned on me; I just kissed Clary, three times, without even thinking about it. I've fallen asleep with Clary in my arms a hundred times before, but I've only ever kissed her a few times, always after a night of drinking, and always in a knee-jerk reaction to something she said or did; only then had I dropped my guard to the point I actually kissed her. We always laughed it off and she'd make some comment about cutting me off because I'd definitely drank too much. This time might have been just as subconscious, and it's not like I kissed her lips, which is something I've never done, but what had me feeling unsettled and caught off guard was the fact that I was completely sober this time, I hadn't had anything to drink all night. What did that mean? Was it possible I still had feelings for her that I had buried so deep down even I didn't realize they were there? Was I reading too much into all this? Was I overreacting?
I gazed down at Clary. I could lose track of everything else just staring at Clary while she slept. Even with her lights off, the blinds let in enough of the bright city to see her lips were turned up slightly as though she was still smiling in her sleep. I gently trailed my fingertips along her jaw line, careful not to wake her. I was overcome by happiness by the mere fact that she was here, she was home, where she belonged. My fingertips fluidly moved from her jaw line to her lips. There was once a time when each night she lay in my arms I looked down at her and wondered what it would be like to kiss her, not just her forehead or her hair, but to actually press my lips to hers. I wondered if she'd be mad, if she'd hate me, if everything would change between us.
A low rumble of thunder outside snapped me back to reality as I opened my eyes. I could feel Clary's warm breath against my lips, which had somehow moved to be just a couple centimeters away from hers. Though I hesitated and nearly leaned in the rest of the way, in a split decision I pulled away from her and swallowed hard. That was way too close and what made matters worse, that wasn't even the most unnerving part. Emotions I had long since forsaken came flooding back to me and in turn awoke the sleeping giant south of the border. It was almost a painful reminder why I had never pressed my lips to Clary's; I knew I'd never be able to stop at a simple kiss. Crushing guilt hit me. What the hell was I doing? I'm engaged. I love Aline. I'm marrying Aline. I want to be with Aline. Right? Maybe I was just overtired and delirious and didn't even realize what I was doing right now. I needed sleep…if not a cold shower.
A/N - Thank you all for reading and for always giving me such encouraging reviews!
Austen, Jane. Pride and Prejudice. (1813) (Main characters: Elizabeth Bennet & Mr. Darcy)
Austen, Jane. Emma. (1815) (Main characters: Emma & Mr. Knightley)
Book of Common Prayer "Speak now or forever hold your peace" from the marriage liturgy.
