Phichit sat next to him on a high stool not even pretending to be helpful as Yuuri whisked the eggs and set it aside.
"You know, residency made me learn a lot about myself," Phichit cut the suture, which is the thread attached to the curved needle used to close wounds, as he practiced stitching two pieces of banana peel together. He loaded the needle driver and started the next stitch, made loops and tugged back and forth. He will be rotating through the emergency department for the next month, he made Yuuri teach him the procedure.
"Tell me about it," Yuuri laughed...
"I didn't know I had this much hatred inside me until I became an intern," Phichit chuckled, "the word 'hate' is such a strong word, but when you chronically don't see the sun, get pimped at morning rounds, yelled at by patients, nurses and the asshole consultant that don't want to see the patient because he is a lazy piece of shit...even the best of us will start to lose it."
Yuuri turned on the stove, "I hear you." Phichit had always been the over achiever. He partied, he drank and he spent less than anyone else studying than anyone yet still ended up the top 1%, to Yuuri's envy, "but you of all people know your stuff."
"Baranovskaya is the worst," Phichit shuddered, as he threw another knot. The two pieces of banana peels are now perfectly aligned and held together by even stitches, "she tortures interns. She pimped me in front of two whole teams, and while our program director was walking by...I heard she used to travel the world as a ballet dancer, but she retired after an injury and went on to become a doctor..." He shook his head, "she told me I should have tried harder in medical school."
'Pimping' had its own meaning in the medical world, thinking about it made Yuuri break into cold sweat. It meant being thrown on the spotlight in front of a group to answer increasingly difficult questions and 'dinged' in public.
"Fuck," Yuuri whispered as he lifted the lid of the pot to check on the rice, "I am working with her next."
Phichit burst in laughter, the suture in his hand quivering.
"What?" Yuuri fluffed the rice with a fork.
His friend almost had tears in his eyes at this point, "hearing you swear." Phichit put his face on the table, his shoulder still shaking, "Yuuri, you are...the nicest person I know, when you are pissed off, nobody could tell, even when you rage you are still sound nice. Growing up I could count the number of foul words out of your mouth with one hand...but what the hell happened?"
Yuuri snorted, "residency happened."
Phichit sat up straighter, "that smells amazing, Yuuri how many more times are you going to practice making it before he comes over? Not that I am complaining." He grinned.
Yuuri shrugged as he plated the pork cutlets over the steaming rice, "it's not my mom's katsudon, because nobody could make it like she does, but it's the best I've got."
"Are you kidding? It tastes out of this world!" Phichit set the table with eagerness.
Yuuri thought about the way Victor fumbled in the kitchen, the way he burnt his food, and picked up after Luke only to return to more mess, and the sadness in his voice when he spoke about his ex-wife who betrayed him. Yet in the hospital, Victor always hid behind that smile that never reached his eyes, spoke to patients and family members with a voice filled with warmth. Victor put on an act so flawless that nobody could see the broke soul behind those confident and unfazed eyes. A sharp twinge of pain shot through him.
"You are into him," his best friend saw right through him, "I knew it...since the beginning, since that night. "
Yuuri dropped the fork in his hand and averted his gaze, without even trying to deny it. His face turning red, "I-...well...I don't think he is at the point of his life to start anything yet...Let's eat, I am starving." He tried distracting Phichit with food, but failed miserably.
"Yuuri, stop changing the topic. I told you, get rid of those glasses, and burn that blue tie and that old dress shirt, if you want him to notice, you need to at least make an effort." Phichit took his first bite, "damn Yuuri you would be a rich and famous chef by now if you went for it!"
"Instead, I went to med school, which taught me how to write big long expensive tests," Yuuri took a sip of his water. He gave up soda the day he started running.
"Back to our original topic," Phichit watched his best friend through skeptical eyes, "maybe once you put away the glasses that will remind him of that night -"
"Hey! I am never inviting you over for food again -" Yuuri grumbled. He started panicking internally, Victor saw me without glasses after I fell asleep on his couch after his son's birthday party. On that night five years ago I wasn't wearing glasses...I must have had too much champagne because I had nothing to say to Phichit's friends...and turned wild like my dad after a few shots of sake. He vaguely remembered the elevator in the lobby of Victor's hotel, and nothing after that.
"You don't need to invite me for food, I invite myself - " Phichit grinned as he wolfed down half of his katsudon.
"Why am I even friends with you?" Yuuri sighed and smiled back at his childhood friend. Truth is, they had few friends in common. Phichit partied and knew just about everyone. He was also a minor Instagram celebrity. Yuuri met some of Phichit's friends but couldn't find anything to talk to them about. They were the 'popular' crowd, while Yuuri was...Yuuri. He made peace already with his own social awkwardness, introverted nature. He made peace with the fact that there was nothing wrong with being alone a long time ago.
Monday morning the teams changed, Yuuri was no longer under Victor's wings. He treaded on eggshells since dawn because his attending for this month was the infamous ballerina turned doctor, who had a scary reputation amongst the interns: Lilia Baranovskaya.
Her figure was perfect, she wore a dark yellow dress past her knees underneath her white coat that made an ordinary person appear out of place, but on her, high fashion. Her dark violet stethoscope wrapped around her neck complimenting her dress. Her brown hair pulled back into a neat bun on top of her head. Her heels clicked and paused with authority.
"Hello, team, it's the first time we are rounding together, let's introduce ourselves," she didn't smile much, "my name is Lilia Baranovskaya."
Yuuri glanced around at his new team and shuffled his feet while gripping on his stethoscope inside his pocket. For the past month, Victor taught him the nuances of the hospital, such as orders to put in to avoid being paged, the wording to use when a consult gives pushback. Victor wasn't easy on him, he was direct when Yuuri made a mistake. But by the final week, Yuuri found himself not needing his senior's help for everything. He was able to fly solo for some time.
They went around stating their names. His new senior resident is a tall easy going guy with a slight beard and bright blue eyes named Emil. The other intern seemed confident, as he shook Yuuri's sweaty hands and introduced himself as JJ. Next to him stood a medical student with dark hair and eyes named Otabek Altin.
"Great, let me make a few things clear, I have high expectations from all of you, let's get started..."
JJ presented the first patient, Lilia listened intently and asked him a few questions which he knew all of the answers to. He even made a point to teach Otabek.
"Katsuki, present your patients," Lilia shifted her hawk like gaze.
Yuuri felt like a little white mouse, he started to present his patient. Thinking back at Phichit's story about her torturing the interns without mercy.
"Louder, you are mumbling -" Lilia glared at him.
"S-sorry-," he gazed down at the patient's labs he scribbled on this paper, "...his sodium trended down to 124..."
"Why?" Lilia's heel clicked as she took two steps forwards, "walk us through the evaluation of hyponatremia."
Of all topics he had to answer questions to, this was one of his shakiest ones. Yuuri rummaged through his mind for that picture of the algorithm that he kept on looking up and forgetting over and over. It wasn't coming. A wave of nausea washed over him. Phichit spent less time studying than everyone else, but Yuuri on the other hand had to put in the work for his grades. His heart raced, his palms wet, heat rushed towards his face...
He froze.
"This is unacceptable, you are taking care of the patient and you do not know what is going on...also, stop jumping around in your presentation, remember what they taught you in medical school about how to present a patient?" Lilia sighed, "I need to talk to you after rounds."
Yuuri nodded and followed behind the rest of his team to see the patients they presented, his gaze on the ground in defeat.
A familiar scent resembling the pine forest after the rain distracted him for a second.
Victor grinned at him, and waved. Even Lilia smiled when she saw him, her face looked much younger when she did.
Yuuri plastered a forced smile and nodded, he wished Victor's comforting presence was next to him earlier. But at same time he was happy that Victor didn't see him humiliate himself.
His phone vibrated inside his pocket, he peeked at the message before putting on the yellow isolation gown to enter the patient's room. It was from Victor.
It gets better.
Let me know if you need anything.
Yuuri was dead tired that night. Lilia gave her a earful after rounds that day. He wondered how he was suppose to write twelve notes, see all of those patients, complete the paperwork, call the social worker while answering pages and read articles and guidelines at the same time.
He felt like shit because next to him JJ seemed ahead by leaps and bounds. It made him feel worse when JJ tried comforting him afterwards. He felt behind, and remedial...
He collapsed onto his bed but told himself that was a bad idea because the minute he laid there meant the less likely for him to get up. He could still hear Lilia's voice ringing in his mind, 'you are not where I would like you to be, medical students gather information, but residents synthesize the information and formulates a plan. Your information gathering still has holes in it. You need to go home and think about your patients.' Damnit...he slammed his fist into his mattress. Victor...he thought of him, remembering his text message that he didn't have time to respond to. He flipped over onto his belly and unlocked his phone.
He stared at the black letters on the grey background of Victor's text.
It gets better.
Really Victor? I should respond, he typed. Thanks.
He buried his face into the mattress, gathering determination to pull himself back up again to go out for a run. The setting sun was painting the sky outside of his window orange.
Beep, he received a text from Victor.
Yuuri, are you alright?
Yuuri's heart raced. He didn't want to tell Victor that he wasn't.
Yea, long day...he responded.
You can tell me the truth, Yuuri. You looked sad when you left today.
How did he notice? Yuuri's heart fluttered inside his chest as heat rose on his face.
She asked me a lot of questions I didn't know the answers to. But as soon as the pimping session was over, I remembered everything. (-.-)"
Let me guess, hyponatremia? Victor texted right back.
Yea, how did you know...?
If I decide to pick on interns, that's the first topic I would choose, haha. I have been there before. Listen Yuuri, this is your fifth week as a doctor, you won't have time at this point to get everything done. You have notes to write, electrolytes to replete and to answer the pages. I don't agree with her method sometimes, but Lilia is trying to push you to become a better doctor. She can sound like a nut job sometimes, but her heart is in the right place.
Yuuri actually laughed out loud, he wasn't expecting Victor to call anyone a 'nut job'. As reflex he typed 'lol'.
What's so funny? Victor responded.
You calling anyone a 'nut job.'
Lol, you think too highly of me.
Every day Victor became more as a real person to him, he couldn't help but feel a wave of warmth wash over his body. Instead of the high pedestal that Yuuri placed him upon all of his life, he was becoming...tangible. He clutched his phone next to his heart and closed his eyes. His imagination took control of him next. He pictured Victor lying next him, and that he nestled his neck between Victor's arm and his chest listening to his heart beats. He conjured the feeling of Victor's silver strands in between his fingers and his warm and even breathes speeding up with their closeness. He took off his glasses and covered his face with his hand, his chest tight, he then wrapped his arms around himself, pretending that they were close, and that Victor's gentle hand was making its way through the thin fabric of his shirt sending shiver down his spine.
The beep from his phone interrupted his thoughts.
What I wanted to tell you from earlier was, when you present patients, remember, it's simple. Remember the SOAP format. Subjective: How the patient is feeling and any overnight events. Objective: Vitals, physical exam, and labs. Assessment and Plan, list the active issues in order of importance and what you are doing to address each one. And by the way, Yuuri, we are all faking it until actually make it.
Yuuri snapped back to reality, blushing a little. Noted. Thanks!
Any time. I am going to read and put Luke to bed. He loves the book you bought for his birthday by the way.
I'm glad! Do I sound too eager? Yuuri kicked himself, his heart pounding. His glasses laid next to him, he had to bring his phone close to his face to see the screen. He gathered his courage, he thought of Phichit giving him a friendly shove. He held his breathes and typed, do you want to stop by for dinner on Thursday...because I am a Thursday person? Bring Luke.
The seconds he waited for Victor to respond felt like hours.
Really? That would be great, your saw my mess in the kitchen. I'll bring dessert. Btw why are you a Thursday person?
Yuuri wondered if he said too much, he sat up with a huge grin on his face. Because, to me, Thursday is hope, and Friday is the light at the end of the tunnel.
lol I like that.
Yuuri felt as if all of the fatigue, rage and self loathing was gone. He changed into his running clothes, picked up his arm band to hold his phone connected to his headphones and headed outside.
Wednesday morning Yuuri had an extra large coffee because the night before he stayed up a little because he was looking up a few questions he had about the patient's condition. He took a deep breathe as he inserted himself next to Otabek and JJ to start morning rounds.
He started his presentation with his face buried in the patient list where he scribbled labs and patient's active issues on.
"Hold on," Lilia's heels clicked twice forwards and she snatched the paper, his lifeline, from his hand, "continue, you should know your patient well enough to not have to look."
At first he stumbled on his words while losing control on the inside, but he remembered Victor's words, just follow the SOAP format. He thought he couldn't recall all of the patient's problems and all of the labs, but somehow his mind focused on the abnormal labs that were significant. Victor taught him to stand up straighter, to take up more space as a way to assert his power. Somehow he stopped caring at that point, he spoke from memory.
Lilia asked a few follow up questions on the topics that he read last night. He looked her in the eyes and answered. His palm still as sweaty but he didn't hide them in his pockets. She pressed on a few more. He didn't know how to answer most of them, but he made a point that he would look it up.
At last, Lilia clapped her hands together once and nodded, "better."
Yuuri realized she wasn't intentionally being nasty, but she wanted to light a fire under his ass. She wanted him to be a better doctor. He decided to take back all of the bad words he called her inside his head.
He couldn't wait till work finished on Thursday, he made a trip to the grocery store the night before and everything he needed to make katsudon was stocked in his fridge. He knew his mother's recipe by heart. His parents moved back to his hometown in Japan after he graduated from college to run a hot spring resort.
He opened the cardboard box with his utility knife and headed for the bathroom. He washed his hands with soap and took off his glasses. He hasn't put contact lenses in for five years. He exhaled deeply, and found a somewhat legit video online for the instructions. Phichit told him to drink some "liquid courage" (aka alcohol) before Victor came over, to which he flat out refused. The last time he wore contacts lenses and drank alcohol, he ended up inside Victor's hotel and couldn't remember anything else afterwards. He still had to delete that damn video from his best friend's phone.
Putting in contact lenses didn't take as long as he thought. He affirmed to himself, he already saw me without glasses when I fell asleep on his couch last time, if he remembered, he would have said something...or could have gone awkward afterwards. But nothing changed. Therefore, he doesn't remember...
He rehearsed the recipe in his head one last time and with swift and movements, prepared the ingredients and started cooking. Helping his parents inside the kitchen of their family restaurant was natural for him, and residency reinforced that speed and focus.
Right when he plated everything, the doorbell rang. He gaze at his reflection one more time from the darkness of his phone's screen. He noted the front of his hair was almost touching his eyes. I need a haircut...he made a mental note. He felt naked without the security behind his blue rimmed glasses. He could hear Phichit's voice in the back of his head again, 'you like him...you have to at least try...' He blushed, and shook the fantasies out of his head.
He opened the door.
Victor looked like he could have stepped out of a magazine. He wore a loose white shirt with rolled up sleeves and the first button undone. His light scent washed over Yuuri, "Hey." Victor's face lit up, and his grin reached his eyes.
"Hey," Yuuri echoed as he let him in, "where's Luke?" He was expecting Victor to show up with a stroller.
Victor shut the door behind them and scratched the back of his head, "Mila insisted that I should spend some quality time with my...friend, so she is watching him for me for a few more hours tonight." He handed Yuuri the beige paper bag, "I brought dessert."
Yuuri peered inside, "I am ready to shell out those calories after this week, what is it?"
"Tiramisu," Victor removed his shoes and glanced at Yuuri's small studio apartment. He cleaned every surface before Victor came over. A few panes of wooden screen with a hand painted crane divided the living room and his bed.
"It's my favourite," Yuuri beamed as he set it down on the tall dark kitchen counter that doubled as his dining room table, "I am having caffeine withdraw right now."
"Whatever it is you made smells delicious," Victor sat down onto one of the tall chairs along the kitchen counter.
"I can't make katsudon the same way my mom does, but this is the best imitation I can do," Yuuri poured Victor a glass of steaming green tea into a pitch black cup with aquamarine inside. His heart raced, what if I put too much salt in...what if he doesn't like it?
He held his breathe until Victor took his first bite.
Victor's eyes widened, and looked as if he was going to cry. He muttered a word Yuuri didn't recognize in Russian.
"Sorry -" Yuuri by reflex apologized.
"Are you kidding me Yuuri?!" Victor put down his chopsticks, "This is...the best thing I have ever had..."
Warmth spread from the pit of his stomach to the rest of Yuuri's body as heat rose towards his face again, "I'm glad." He suspected Victor must have not had a home cooked meal in ages. He saw the content of Victor's fridge, boxes of pre-made food stacked next to each other, the aluminum containers filled with pasta ready to be prepared in the oven. Welcome to residency.
Victor ate his katsudon at the same speed Phichit did, Yuuri was only halfway through. Yuuri watched him from the corner of his eyes, he didn't talk much because Victor appeared mesmerized by the food. He didn't want to interrupt.
"So, tell me about you, Yuuri," Victor wiped the piece of rice from the corner of his lip, "why did you become a doctor?"
Yuuri laughed, "that's a tough question." He wanted to say, because of you, Victor Nikiforov. Because I spent my entire life catching up to you, because you are everything that I ever dreamt of, because you are everything that I ever wanted. Instead he said, "If you asked that question two days ago I would have questioned by life choices too."
Victor chuckled, "Fair enough, I won't give you a hard time." The Ping sound from his phone interrupted him.
Yuuri noticed a few slips of paper fluttering down onto the ground as Victor pulled his phone out of his pocket. As Victor read his text message, Yuuri bent down to picked them up. His chest felt tight after he saw what they were. They were slips from the pharmacy for prescriptions for three different types of antidepressants with Victor's name next to them.
Victor tore his gaze from the screen and saw him picking up the slips.
"Victor, I am sorry, I saw by accident -" Yuuri bowed his head as he handed the slips back to him.
Victor's hand brushed past his fingers, as he took them back, "It's alright, yes, I had to get help because of Luke. But I am fine." That fake smile again.
Yuuri took two steps towards him, "no you are not." He didn't realize how close he stood next to Victor, who still sat on the tall blue stool by his kitchen counter forcing Victor to gaze up at him. He reflexively placed a hand on Victor's shoulder, "listen Victor, you have seen me in my worst moments and you lifted me up...so please...let me do the same..." his voice ended in a whisper.
Victor's face fell, his eyebrows furled and unfurled as he tilted his chin up and their eyes met. On his beautiful eyes, a slight hint of a glimmer appeared.
"Victor, if you ever have dark thoughts, or anything at all, I want you to call me. I don't care what time it is," Yuuri tightened his grasp on Victor's shirt. He took another step forwards and wrapped his arms around him pulling him close. He didn't know where the courage came from, but it felt...right. He felt Victor's grip around his back tighten, and his silver soft hair under his chin. There are one million things he wanted to say to the person he admired forever.
"Yuuri..." Victor's voice sounded muffled against his chest, "...thanks. I mean it."
Yuuri pulled back, and suddenly realized what he had done. He turned around in embarrassment, "let's eat cake." He opened the wrong drawer looking for a knife.
He wasn't the only one blushing, he realized. Victor rubbed his own neck with his hand.
When it was time to say goodnight, Victor turned to him, his smile genuine this time, "thanks for dinner tonight, it was the best meal I have ever had."
"You are welcome back at any time," Yuuri grinned.
"Can I take you out sometimes for drinks, coffee, or maybe heart-attack food?" Victor saw Yuuri cringe when he said drinks.
"Coffee and heart-attack food sounds good," Yuuri accompanied him to the doorway, he laughed at the last part of Victor's proposal.
"What about next Thursday after work?" Victor's silver bangs fell before his eyes, "there's this cafe, the owner is the nicest old man you'd ever meet, and his grandson, despite his personality can play the piano like no other. And their coffee beats that shit they brew at the hospital by leaps and bounds."
"You know how I like Thursdays."
"Yea, Thursday is hope, and Friday is the light at the end of the tunnel,right Yuuri?" Victor quoted him and laughed.
Author's Note:
Let me know if you enjoyed this chapter!
-A
Re: reviews:
willie-chan: thanks so much, the imposter syndrome is very real. Doctors are actually the worst patients...many of us seem to feel because we know what's going on we don't need to seek help. During residency we have lectures about burn out, fatigue, and I confess to rolling my eyes in the beginning because I consider myself resilient, but until I experienced it, it was very real. This story isn't my personal experience, but I wrote it to indulge myself a little telling the story in the world I am familiar with.
AiViCi: I keep on reminding myself: do not write angst, do not write angst...lol. Thanks for reading!
MissMJS: Thanks so much! This story is so different from my other one, fantasy vs reality, slow burn vs...well you know lol
sleonard: thank you :) hope you enjoy this one.
