I had an awesome time during art today. I was working with Phil, who I work with all the time, but this time I actually talked to him. We talked about art, and Pokémon, and brainstormed for our section of the mural. We decided on an animated collage of a lot of characters from shows and things like that, just to put it out there. Whatever we want to put out there will be on there, really. We're pretty much the only people who aren't forced into this class, so we don't even really have to try for it to be above and beyond the rest of the classes' work.

I noticed something about his sketch book, though, and saw that there was one picture over and over again, yet always different. It was rather abstract in a lot of cases, but others were very vivid and in great detail. It was of glass shattering, a woman, and a lot of red. I couldn't quite explain what it was of, but it had a darker side to it. That wasn't all that was in the sketch book, though, there was also a lot characters from the television, like characters from Adventure Time and Buffy: the Vampire Slayer, and even True Blood. I didn't find any paintings or drawings of his family at all, which led me to wonder why, but I decided not to intrude on his business. I didn't really want to make things awkward between us because we were still just getting to know each other.

It was weird talking to Phil, though. Not in the 'I-think-he's-weird' kind of way, but in the 'I'm-not-used-to-this' kind of way. It was weird to know someone and trust them, even though we barely know each other. I just felt some sort of connection to him that I couldn't explain; something that I hadn't felt since I had been with my brother. And that scared me a bit, since the last time I loved someone like that they ended up dead.

You know you'll just attract bad luck to him. Why would you even bother?

This could be the chance of happiness that I've been waiting for. It can't turn out that badly!

There it is again. It is always there to contradict me, and put me straight back down when I feel elated. The sad voice, to tell me how badly things are going, and make sure I realise how much of a failure I am. It went away for a while, but it didn't take long for it to return. I'm never really free of it.

We hung out after school, which I was really happy about, since I didn't want to go back to my mum. I was actually having a rather good time, though I noticed that Phil tended to be off in his own world just a little bit. He was rather adorable, though, the way he would chew on his lip when he was thinking on how he would phrase his words, and his tongue would stick out when he laughed (though, he covered it up with his hand out of habit). How gentle his fingers were when they would hold his pencil and trace out his words or drawings, or when he would fix his hair while his agile fingertips would just barely touch his skin. He was wonderful.

You know that everything you touch dies. Even look at every pet you've ever had in history. So why would you even try to love him?

I can try.

That's the line that I always return to. I can try. It's the one that is my life line; even when I'm at my lowest I saw it. I can try.

You'll be a failure at art.

I can try.

Don't even think about trying music, you'll make our ears pop.

I can try.

Don't think about trying to continue on living.

I can try.

That's the pattern, always. It's getting boring and annoying, but I can't stop it. I can never stop it.

"Hey Dan, is there anything wrong?" Phil asked. I must've been zoning out, since I he pointed out that I wasn't responding. I forced a smile, and I nodded. It was a lie, but just a little white lie.

Lying already. Amazing way to start out a friendship. And forcing a smile. You're disgusting, you know that? You should at least be yourself around your new friends.

I don't want to force my problems onto him! I also don't want him to think I'm crazy!

You are.

"Okay, so what's your favourite book? If you like to read, that is. I don't tend to go out much, so I read a lot." He said, smiling. I thought for a second, and I smiled, looking him in the eyes. I nearly got lost in their blue wonders, but I had to remind myself to answer.

"I like John Green; The Fault in Our Stars is one of my favourites." I replied, forcing myself to pull away from his eyes. He nodded, smiling and barely noticing how much I was admiring him. That was a good thing, I guess, since I didn't want him to think I was weird.

"That is so awesome; I love John Green! Though, I also like the Harry Potter series quite a bit, and there's this one book, I can't quite remember the name, but I liked it a lot, too!" He smiled brightly, and I returned it, though not as bright.

There was something off about him, though. I don't know how to explain it, but there was just something that made me think that he wasn't as happy as he could be—though, he seemed like a very content person in general. I don't know how to place it, though.

I was probably imagining things, though. It's not like he was sobbing his eyes out or trying to let his life bleed out of him because of something that happened. He was much too happy of a person for any of that shit.

Sitting there next to Phil, the hours fell through our fingers like seconds, and we easily designed our section of the mural through doodles and finished all of our homework—and for the first time in history, I actually did homework. It was amazing how he influenced me to do that. He was amazing.

"Excuse me, boys. I know that you're having a nice time and all, but I need to be getting home now. It's time for me to close up!" The librarian said, in her small and gentle voice. I smiled at her slightly, nodding, and Phil and I packed up. We were then standing outside of the library, talking ready to depart ways.

"Are you free tomorrow, after school again?" He asked, looking at me questioningly. I smiled and nodded. He laughed a bit, patting my head. I blushed at he did so, smiling as well. "You don't talk much, do you?" He said, and I shrugged.

"In my family we've never really talked much, and I don't really have many friends." I said. It was the partial truth, but it would due.

"How come your family doesn't talk much?" He asked, the quickly added, "If you don't mind me asking."

"It's no problem." I chuckled a bit at how kind he was being, as I proceeded to tell him. "My mum works at the hospital, and practically lives there most of the time, and I used to talk to my brother loads, but… let's just say that I can't do that anymore." I said, shrugging. Without warning, he gave me a huge hug, wrapping his arms around me and engulfing me in complete warmth. It was really different from any of the other hugs that I'd ever received, most of them being stiff, awkward, and forced. No, I'd had some like this one, somewhere—

My brother, whenever our mother missed something that I was excited about. The last one was when I was in a play, and I had the main lead. I was hoping that she would be there, and for once actually show up for something of mine. She had promised me that she would show up, but yet I looked through the audience for the entire show, and she never showed. I went through the show, and at the end my brother was there to take me home. When I got home we both stayed up to see when she would come home, and after about two hours she finally came home. It was eleven in at night, and she said that someone had to get something taken out of their body. I asked her why someone else couldn't have helped the doctor do it, but she just sighed and said that there aren't enough people for that, and she sent me to my room. I could hear my brother argue my case, and I heard her say that she tried, but it wasn't high up enough on her priority list. I tried as hard as I could not to cry. Then my brother came up stairs and saw me at the top, with red eyes, holding back sobs. Then he hugged me as tightly and he could and promised that he would go to all of my shows, whether it be art of acting, told me that he loved me. I'm not sure if it's one of my better memories of my worse ones.

"Hey Dan, what's up? You look as if you've seen a ghost. Were you uncomfortable with me hug? If so, I'm really sorry" Phil said worriedly, looking at me.

I shook my head, laughing a bit. "I just realised something really weird."

"What was it?"

"Oh, just that you can't spell slaughter without laughter." I said, smiling sheepishly. He laughed a short but true laugh, and I responded with it, then we both burst out into giggles, having to clasp onto one-another's shoulder so we don't fall over from lack of oxygen.

"Well, I have to go home at some point, so I should probably get back to my house now." I said, smiling. I awkwardly hugged Phil goodbye, and went to the park, staying there for a few more hours before I finally decided to sneak into my room and go to sleep. I was really excited for the next day, so I could see Phil.

My first friend in years.