Well done to Enfleurage, Coesius and Nostradamus - points to all of you for recognising that Nina is indeed (very loosely) based on the wonderful character played by Juliet Stevenson in Truly, Madly, Deeply, one of my favourite films of all time. Enfleurage - you are right, Veritaserum is colourless. Severus has a phial of that and a phial of black Memoriadeleo potion (which I invented) in his jacket pocket. Many thanks for all the reviews, they are very much appreciated and encourage me more than you can know.

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Chapter 3
I Could Talk All Night

Snape was stunned. He had not expected this. He had not even considered it.

It took him a minute or so to recover his wits.

It was not that he didn't want to touch women, it was that he chose not to. He seemed to bring out the darkest desires of those few who found him physically attractive - the desire to be controlled, to be wholly and totally subjugated to his will. They begged him for the pleasure of pain, and the pain of pleasure that they somehow knew he could provide. This released an aspect of his darker self that he found difficult to master. He remembered the last woman he had touched in that way, nearly seven years ago, when she had first arrived at Hogwarts. Almost unbelievable as it was now, back then she had a slightly intriguing, Romany kind of vague attractiveness. She had pursued him relentlessly for weeks with talk of their 'destiny' and it being 'written in the stars'. Eventually, more to restore the peace than out of any real desire on his part, he had responded. He had kept her tied and writhing on his bed for over four hours. When he finally released her, she had gathered up her clothing and fled. She never spoke to him again, even shut herself away most of the time to avoid him, and whenever they did happen to be in the same room together she would refuse to meet his gaze.

'What would you like me to do to you ...' his voice was suddenly so languid that it was barely more than a whisper, '... before I make you come?'

She told him. Her secrets, her fantasies, all the shadowy corners of her sexuality exposed. Listening to her was appalling and yet gloriously pleasurable, like eating rich, dark chocolate cake for breakfast. As he listened he became aroused, but did not move from his seat or take his dark gaze, eyes half closed, from her face. He was transfixed, unable to make himself stop her, and he loathed himself for it.

Then he heard a voice - his own - inside his head.

'No more now, Severus,' it said. 'You are as bad as Malfoy, except you rape this woman with words rather than your touch.'

But this is her truth, he argued back at himself.

'Not given willingly.'

Snape pushed this internal argument to the back of his mind, along with his sexual hunger.

He closed his eyes.

'Stop' he finally croaked, and she obeyed.

'I will not ... do those things that you have asked of me,' he said. 'You are not yourself. Trust me on this.'

'Perhaps,' said Nina, 'I am more myself than I have ever been able to admit.'

Snape held up his hand.

'Enough. I will ask you no more questions. You will remember none of this tomorrow, I will see to that. I suggest that you sleep, now.'

'I don't feel tired.'

'Evidently.'

Nina blushed, and looked away.

Snape cursed himself. It was his fault, his weakness, that had made her part with her most private desires.

There was an awkward silence.

'I expect you could just make me fall asleep though, couldn't you?' She clicked her fingers - Snape almost flinched - 'Like that?'

'Something like that.' His tone was softer now.

'Please don't.'

'All right.'

He waited. No more questions that might force a painfully truthful answer.

'Could we talk?' she asked. 'I need to know why I'm here, what's happening ...'

'It really would not do you any good, Nina. As I said, tomorrow you will remember nothing of our meeting.'

Nor of anything else. Oh Merlin, forgive me.

'But I need to know now, at least.'

Snape did not respond. He had closed his eyes, Mozart drifting over him ...

'Please, Thomas - talk to me.'

'My name is not Thomas,' said Snape quietly.

'Oh. Yes ... Thomas Fairfax,' she smiled faintly. 'I should have guessed. So, what is it?'

'Severus.'

'After the Roman Emperor? What does the name mean again? I forget.'

Snape opened one eye and regarded her with it.

'I was not aware that it meant anything.'

'Be gentle with her, Severus. Remember what you have just done to her, against her will.' The voice inside his head again.

He sighed and opened the other eye.

'It refers to a person who is of a - stern disposition.'

'Yes. Fitting for you, then.'

Snape was more than a little taken-aback. Then he chuckled to himself.

'So, Severus, what was that thing you pulled out of the -' Nina's words were cut off mid-sentence, and her face took on a glazed expression.

Of course, he had asked, told, her not to speak of it again.

'Ouroboros,' Snape finished. 'You may speak of it if you wish.'

'Yes, Ouroboros.' She frowned.

'It is that which humanity has been searching for forever, and was found and lost, then found and lost again.'

She watched him carefully.

'Do you know the Epic of Gilgamesh, Nina? But of course, you must ... Forgive me.'

'It is the earliest recorded narrative in history,' she replied, 'inscribed on tablets of clay from the Sumerian city of Uruk in Mesopotamia, two thousand seven hundred years before the birth of Christ.'

Snape nodded.

'And what did the immortal Utnapishtim tell Gilgamesh, as he prepared to take his leave for Uruk?'

'He told him of a plant, or a flower - found at the bottom of the sea. Some have described it as granting immortality, others as restoring lost youth, it depends on the translation.'

'And what became of that plant?'

'In the legend, while Gilgamesh is bathing, the plant is stolen ...' Nina hesitated.

'By a serpent. What if I were to tell you that the legend was true, and the secret of the plant was passed on a thousand years ago to a man who had the ability to speak with serpents?'

'No, that's impossible. The flower of eternal youth?'

'The Ouroboros is merely a container, Nina - as you have seen for yourself. My rather vicious colleague is also seeking its precious cargo.'

'Your colleague - you mean the man with the platinum blonde hair?'

'Indeed.'

'So, do you mean to use it, Severus - for yourself?'

'No, it will be kept safe.'

'What about the other man?'

It was the first time the concept had crossed Snape's mind.

Never underestimate your adversary. Could Malfoy really be pursuing the plant for himself?

'No ... I think not. His mission is simply to retrieve it for his master.'

'His 'master'? Who is that?'

'That, I will not tell you. Believe me, it is better that you do not know. Suffice to say, if he succeeds in obtaining the leaf that the Ouroboros holds, it will make it all the more likely that soon you will know, and wish that you did not.'

Snape closed his eyes again, and sank back into the blissful release of the music.

'Who are you, Severus?'

'I'm just a man seeking atonement.'

'For what?'

'Past mistakes. Past ... errors of judgement. Have you ever done anything that you regretted, Nina?'

'Lots of small things, missed opportunities, chances not taken when I should have. Not anything that I've done, but what I didn't do ... the only thing in my life that I have ever truly regretted was not being with my partner when he died ... not being able to tell him that I loved him.'

Snape opened his eyes. Damn, the Veritaserum.

'Please, there is no need to continue,' he said quickly. 'If I ask you a direct question at the moment, you are compelled to answer it truthfully. Although tomorrow you will not remember what you have spoken of, I will. The details of your life are none of my business.'

'You already know more about one aspect of my life than anyone else alive, Severus. I don't think it matters anymore.'

'I'm sorry. It was very wrong of me to ask you the question that I did before. I hope you can forgive me.'

Again, there was silence between them.

After a short while, Nina spoke.

'I would like to continue, if that is all right?' she asked a little timidly.

He owed her that, at least.

'Yes, it is all right.'

'Have you ever been in love, Severus?'

Snape opened his mouth, then choked back what he was about to say. He had abused this woman. Was it not fair that he gave something of himself in return?

'I am not sure I understand the meaning of the word.'

'Oh, I don't mean the fireworks of first discovering passion, when you can't eat, can't sleep, can't think. No, I mean love - what's left when all that madness wears itself out. Have you ever seen a stranger approaching you on the street, and felt your heart leap just because, for one second, you thought it was the person you love? Or stood in front of a door, that moment just before you open it, and felt a small thrill about who was going to be there, even though you had seen that person just a few hours before? That was how I felt about him, Severus. I went to work one morning, and never got the chance again to tell him that he made me feel these things ...'

Snape could see the light shining in Nina's eyes, more pronounced than it was before.

'Yes,' he said finally. ' I know something of the emotions of which you speak.'

'Tell me, Severus. Remind me that it is human to feel these things. Sometimes I feel that I am the only one ...'

'You are not alone,' Snape almost whispered. 'I have felt these things too about someone ... He was ... beautiful ... and deadly. Sometimes I did not know whether I wanted to hold him ... or to kill him.'

He paused. Her expression had not changed, and he had half expected that it would.

'Of course, you are not surprised. You are an educated woman, and this is London, after all. I was surprised. Until I realised my feelings for him, I never would have imagined that my tastes could run ... in that direction. Oh, please do not misunderstand me. I would have enjoyed fulfilling -' he arched an eyebrow and paused on the word, his voice becoming, for that moment, unbearably lascivious '- some of what you spoke about earlier. But I will not allow myself that, not under the present circumstances.'

'I understand,' said Nina quietly.

'You spoke in the past tense,' she went on. 'Is he dead, this man?'

'No,' said Snape. 'But if I do see him again, I fear I will ultimately kill him, one way or another.'

He hesitated ... then continued.

To the amazement of something that was inside him yet strangely apart, listening as if part of a distant, objective audience, it was as if he had been the one to whom the Vertiaserum had been administered. Snape found that he could not stop. The relief of unburdening things kept silent for almost twenty years was so overwhelming that he could not stop.

He talked of school days, of vindictiveness and viciousness, and unexpected gentleness from a most unexpected quarter. He talked of an expedient alliance and the growing respect for each other's abilities born from it, developing into a friendship bound by an understanding of minds. He talked of a bond nurtured by evening meetings in quiet library corners and long walks by the lake, where preconceptions and prejudices were challenged and broken down. He talked of a relationship that gradually developed into something more than a friendship - uncertain first touches leading to clandestine midnight couplings in the boathouse and at the edges of the forest under a moonless sky. He talked of times together and times apart, of passion and jealousy, of ultimatums given and choices made. And he talked of the night he almost lost his life.

'After all our times together, after all that we had shared, I still could not make myself believe that he had chosen his friends -' Snape almost spat the word, '- over me. That he would rather walk away from me than reveal where they went together that one night every month. I was consumed with anger and jealousy, and a desperate curiosity. I had to find out where they went - and one night, Black told me. I found him, Nina - I found him and he was -' Snape paused, '- he had a terrible sickness ... a lunacy you might say. It sent him into a violent madness ... he was raging, crazed. He hid himself in this place while he was afflicted. They would stay with him through the night and attempt to ensure he did not hurt himself. They were able to control his rages a little, you see. Them - he told them, he chose them, he trusted them - and not me. That night, in his blind frenzy, he tried to kill me ... they tried to kill me. It was deliberate of course, his friends wanted me dead, they always had. But Potter came after me - at the last moment he got cold feet about being involved in murder. He got him away from me, but not before I received some quite serious injuries. I lost consciousness and woke up in the hospital, days later.'

'And Remus?' asked Nina. 'He really wanted you dead, too?'

'He was used, Nina,' said Snape softly. 'But by the time I accepted this, it was too late. I hadn't spoken to him for months, I avoided him whenever I saw him. I couldn't bring myself to approach him again, even when I knew that he had been Black's victim as much as I had.'

'Did you ever see him again, after you had left school?'

'Last year. He came to teach at the school, of all things. We maintained a tolerable civility - '

'He was teaching at a school, teaching children? Was he still ill?' exclaimed Nina, sounding shocked.

'Yes, but I made him a ...' Snape paused, searching for the right word '... a medicine, which kept it under control so that the children would not be in any danger. One night though, he forgot to take it, and the sickness came back. He came to my door at the break of dawn, and I knew straightaway what he wanted, remembered from our school days. When he is done with howling at the moon he needs to feel warm flesh underneath him.' Snape smiled slightly to himself. 'In the absence of that, mine appeared to suffice that morning.'

'So ...'

'I still wanted him, Nina. I had not been able to admit it to myself until that moment. I could not forget the times, years before, when he had come to me in the early morning after vanishing for the night. He was so different ... he would hardly speak, just come into my room and ... take. No, not rape, he was always considerate, even then. In truth, I enjoyed it - more than at any other time when we were together. I enjoyed it ...' he emphasised the word with a fierceness that made Nina shiver '... like I enjoyed it that morning.'

'And then ...?'

'I betrayed him. I revealed his ... illness and sent him into exile because I knew that if I did not, sooner or later he would try to kill again, and I would have no option but to stop him, by any means in my power. So there, Nina. For tonight, you have as much of me as I have of you.'

Snape got up suddenly and walked over to the stereo. The music had long since ended. He picked up another CD case and put the disc into the player. The haunting, melancholic trumpet of Miles Davis threaded through the drone of London traffic and the distant call of sirens.

He checked his watch, but the fading light already told him it was getting late.

'I must return the Ouroboros,' he told Nina. 'Will there be anyone in that room now?'

'No, definitely not at this time of night.'

'I just need something to put ...' he muttered to himself as he scanned the room. He strode into the en-suite bathroom and picked up a small glass jar of complementary bath salts. '... yes, that will be perfect.' He emptied the jar into the basin, rinsed it out and placed it next to the Ouroboros.

'Do you happen to have a pair of tweezers at all?' he asked, turning round.

'Er ... yes, I think so.' Nina rummaged in her bag and held a pair out to him.

'Excellent.' He took them and slipped them into his trouser pocket. Gently, he picked up the Ouroboros and examined it again.

'So beautiful ...' he said. 'Such a great pity I have to return it to the museum.'

At that moment there was a small noise, something mechanical. It did not come from the direction of the open window, but from the door. Snape froze, his eyes widening. The door was opening - neither very quickly nor very slowly, but in a normal, relaxed way as if the person opening it had every right to do so.

'That,' said Lucius Malfoy, 'will not be necessary.'


Author's note: If you know the music of Miles Davis, then you will get an idea of just how melancholy Snape is feeling if I tell you that the CD he puts on is the soundtrack to the Louis Malle film Ascenseur pour l'échafaud - known in English as Lift to the Scaffold. Oh, and five points to Slytherin if you can guess who the woman is that Snape recalls, right at the beginning of this chapter ...