He didn't want to think about it. He wanted his body to guide itself home, autopilot taking over so he didn't have to think, didn't have to see the world moving around him whilst he was only just clinging on.
But everything carried on like it always did, he was far to receptive to the conversations of people around him as he walked through town, the traffic droning into his mind as each car sped past, the smell of them more apparent than he'd ever remembered. He'd thought the world had stopped but no, it was just Kazu.
His eyes kept watering, his mind flittering between anger and desolation so quickly that he couldn't be sure how he felt. Fists clenching and unclenching, knuckles white.
Kazu was aware of each step he took, how long they seemed to take and how his body seemed sluggish and awkward as though holding him back. He didn't know what he would do when home but right now he didn't know anywhere he'd rather be.
His mind kept questioning itself, going over the image of Ikki and that girl, over Ikki's face when he'd come out of the classroom, over their own kiss and how he'd really fucked up everything. It hadn't even been planned, he'd spent the previous week trying to drive those idiotic thoughts from his mind, sick with himself for feeling something more than friendship towards the crow in the first place. He didn't know what had made him close the gap to kiss the guy, he didn't know why Ikki had returned it or why he'd suddenly given up. The look on his face…
It seemed like forever but finally he was walking down his street, without the traffic and constant flow of people he suddenly felt alone and cold. Goose bumps running along his arms and the air hard to breath. He wasn't drowning in it anymore though, it just tasted bitter and thick, reminding him that everything would just go on like it always did.
Like after that stupid kiss, after he'd left Ikki's house and walked home and felt utterly ridiculous. After he'd spent a whole night awake thinking about what was going to happen, walking to his house the next day as he always did and realising that he wasn't even going to bring it up. Everything would go on like it did after that.
Kazu stopped, his feet stumbling on themselves, he took a deep breath and closing his eyes shook his head. It was so Ikki to do that, he shouldn't have been surprised, hurt, shocked, he'd seen it coming hadn't he? He tried to shake that stupid feeling away, his heart wasn't broken, it was still beating wasn't it? He could live through that, he could go to school the next day and carry on like normal couldn't he?
He'd done it so many times before that it was normal, he shouldn't have acted like he did, he should have been happy for Ikki and let him do whatever the hell he wanted to with that chick. Kazu would always be in the shadow of the crow.
He concentrated on his breathing again, feeling the thoughts calming himself, feeling his heart begin to feel more like a heart and less like an empty hole in his chest. He could live through this, he could live through whatever the crow did - it was ridiculous to think otherwise.
One more shake to clear the kissing image from his head and he opened his eyes.
"I…Ikki?"
The blonde stumbled back, heart forgetting to relax and suddenly in his throat, tight and panicked. The crow could have at least given him the night to learn to deal with it, the blonde couldn't even deal with himself right now.
Ikki had that same look on his face, confusion mixed with worry as he gripped the blondes arm to stop him stumbling to far back. To close for Kazu to feel comfortable with.
It had seemed that the need to go home couldn't have been greater but right now he'd give anything to be there. Alone.
"What's the deal?"
Ikki's harsh tone cut through the tension like a knife, the grip on Kazu's arm almost painful as though scared the blonde would just slip through his grip. Afraid to let go. Kazu opened his mouth but words failed him, his mind was just looking for an escape, trying to avoid the situation and how utterly embarrassing it was yet common sense prevailing, knowing that the only way out of there was some kind of explanation that didn't include the embarrassing mention of a broken heart.
"I… thought I'd give you some space."
The blonde muttered quietly, eyes looking at the crow's shoes and tracing the outline on the ground over and over again. Making his eyes busy so he didn't have to look up at him or face them welling up again. He knew it was stupid, it wasn't worth it for the amount of times he'd found himself reading the situation wrong, feeling utterly humiliated, lost in Ikki.
The crow scoffed and shook Kazu hard, the blonde glanced up for just a second but long enough to feel a jab of guilt in stomach, Ikki's face didn't change, the confusion was almost painful.
It wasn't even like it was an uncommon expression on the crow who seemed to live his life in a constant puzzlement with the world, that expression that made him look like he was always ten steps behind everyone else.
"You could have just said that."
"Didn't want to embarrass you."
Kazu went red, more than a blush as he felt his face burning fiercely.
"Embarrass me?" Ikki sighed and let go of Kazu, stepping away and running a hand through his hair. He turned in a circle, his back facing Kazu for a moment before he turned to him again, sighing once more and gritting his teeth. "I know what this is about."
Kazu kept his mouth shut, hoping to God he was wrong. His silence seemed to be the only confirmation the crow needed, Ikki growled angrily - at himself or the blonde? Kazu couldn't decide.
"That… kiss, right?"
He spoke the words slowly, empathising the one word that had been gnawing in Kazu's mind for the last two weeks. Empathising it with distain. Kazu couldn't suppress the anger that made him in turn take a step back, anger that the crow had returned it, anger that he'd said nothing in the whole time since.
"What the hell do you mean?"
The blonde wanted to spit, to punch that stupid egotistical maniac in the head. But Ikki was still looking confused, looking around as though lost for a moment, eyes flicking back to Kazu every few seconds.
"Well…" he looked straight at the blonde now, the gaze almost tearing right into him. "Why'd you do it?"
As if things couldn't get worse! It was like the world enjoyed playing jokes on him, see how much pain poor Kazu could endure before he literally went mad.
"You were going to kiss me." He said quickly, the words so close together they seemed like one. "I…." Ikki just stared, his eyes so dark and criticizing, he didn't say anything, just waiting for a further explanation. Kazu stepped back. "I don't know." He lied.
He knew exactly why, the reason was clear every single time he so much as saw Ikki and his heart sped up slightly, when his face flushed when Ikki teased him and why he didn't mind being pushed around because wrong or not - he liked the closeness.
Ikki growled, completely oblivious as per usual.
"I just don't get it, you think this is some kind of joke?" The crow's voice raised slightly, his fists clenching repeatedly before pointing at Kazu sharply. "You knew I liked Suki and I knew damn well you didn't like that, do you get off on trying to make girls hate me or something?"
Kazu rolled his eyes, his voice suddenly finding gusto. "You honestly, HONESTLY think I've been trying to stop the whole new girl thing you seem to have going? I just walked away from that, jeez…" He pulled his hat off and began fiddling with it, keeping his hands busy to stop them lashing out at Ikki. "You're the one that came after me, you just left her to come and ask me stupid questions that I recon you already know the fucking answer to!… You're just to bloody stupid to realise what's going on!"
He spun on his heel and walked away, breathing deep as he tried to drive the black spots of rage from behind his eyes away. Head swimming over the crow's words before the feeling of smugness that Ikki had not continued following him, glad that he'd probably left the idiot thoroughly confused.
It wasn't until he realised he was heading away from home and corrected his path that he tried to remember what he himself had said, hoping to god that the words he remembered weren't actually said out loud.
Maybe he'd just made the whole thing a hundred times worse?
Really hope that's not to confusing? I've reread it a few times and I'm hoping it works, just posting it whilst I've got a spare minute.
Thank you so much for the reviews and watches, if I didn't have them I wouldn't post so yeah... reviews welcome, good or bad!
