"It's not bad," Illumi commented. The flavor was a bit too sweet, like a pink explosion in his mouth. The sugar would definitely rot his teeth if left too long.
"Not bad?" Hisoka cried out, offended. He blew out a huge bubble as if to stick it to Illumi.
"I like it," commented Kurapika, cross-legged against the railing. The five of them had retreated to the library's upper levels. Chrollo leaned back against bookshelves and Leorio sprawled on the carpet. Illumi still sat primly, knees tucked up against his chest.
"He doesn't like anything fun, remember?" Leorio's voice held a threat. He definitely was thinking of why he was in detention that day, and blaming Illumi. Simply because he didn't understand, and how could he? He wasn't a Zoldyck.
Illumi ignored him continuing to chew. Hisoka pulled out a wad of texture surprise, moving the putty into the shape of a dick.
"Are you constantly turned on or something," Kurapika mumbled. "Because if so maybe you should see a doctor."
"He should see a shrink anyways," opined Chrollo, stretching his legs out in front of him. Kurapika snickered as Hisoka winked.
He calmly rolled balls to add to his sculpture. Illumi contemplating crushing it, just to see how Hisoka would react. "I'm not that lucky, Kurta," Hisoka proclaimed. "Life isn't so exciting, but that's ground I believe we have already covered."
"So how are you getting a scholarship, then?" Kurapika asked, head lolling backwards as he lay back on the floor. "I'm curious."
"I'm not. My foster parents are paying for it. I think." Hisoka's bubblegum burst, sticking to his face. Illumi wrinkled his nose. Ew. "But they're just doing it because I've always done well, when I felt like sticking in school. They probably think they can pat themselves on the back for that, but I doubt they care that I never come back to their place."
"I can't imagine people not wanting to know where you are every second of the day," Illumi commented. He studied Hisoka. "My parents might as well have a tracker attached. They always want to know where we are. Killua's been breaking that rule lately, so they've been worried." He slid his gaze to Kurapika and Leorio, who both looked at him with something like sympathy. Huh? He didn't understand. "Because they love me. They want me to be safe," he explained.
"I'm hardly one to talk about parental love," said Hisoka. "But, Illumi: no."
"They do," Illumi insisted. "It teaches us discipline."
"Please, don't bring up discipline," Leorio cut in, and for a moment Illumi felt like the jock was on his side, rescuing him from a conversation closing in around him. "Or Gyro might here and come flying in."
Kurapika pretended to gag. They all laughed.
"Hey, Chrollo," said Hisoka, giving his sculpture an erection. "Where did Gyro take you? Which closet, I mean. He's stuck me in them before when I skipped class."
"The one at the end of the hall," Chrollo said. "Thankfully one of the cleaner ones."
That was certainly not an approved punishment. Illumi made a mental note to bring it up to his parents. Of course, approved punishments at this school were limited. At home, being locked in a closet was hardly any kind of punishment at all. He was forced to lie flat on his bed while Father delivered blow after blow to his backside, one for each question he missed, every exam he took. He tried to make Illumi do the same to Killua. He didn't, because Killua was a freshman now, but he did make him study an extra five minutes for each question.
"Are you here because you skipped class, Hisoka?" asked Kurapika. "Because, I can't lie, that seems pretty tame by your standards."
"You just wish you could be as unhinged as me. You're wrapped in chains of your own making, instead."
Kurapika rolled his eyes.
"No, I made one too many obscene jokes to Mr. Netero," said Hisoka. "The dude's got some seriously big dick energy, and I told him so. He didn't seem to take it as a compliment."
Illumi's mind soured with what he was imagining, even though he knew Mr. Netero would have been repulsed. "I'm guessing you've fucked lots of older people." I don't approve.
"And you've been beaten by lots of them," said Hisoka. "At least I got an orgasm out of them. You got bruises."
Excuse me? Illumi contemplated punching him. He could imagine it: Hisoka's nose cracking against his knuckles, his skin breaking, warm blood—
"Seems to me you got bruises too," Chrollo remarked."Just not visible ones."
"So," interjected Leorio, breaking up the tension. "Who here has the biggest dick energy? Gyro not included."
"Gyro has a micropenis; I've never seen it, but it is known," said Hisoka, plucking the last of the gum from his hair.
Chrollo snorted, blowing a giant bubble larger than the one Hisoka had made. And it didn't break on his face.
"And Illumi," Hisoka said. "Besides me, of course. He has the biggest BDE."
Wait, what? "Huh?" Illumi stared.
"Well, it's obviously not the one whom I caught wanking off once," said Hisoka, nodding to Leorio. "Nor is it the edgelord who's trying too hard. So it's between you and Chrollo, but I've seen Chrollo shirtless and it leaves something to be desired, so I'm going with you. Plus you're so reserved—it's exciting. And creepy. But so many possibilities. What's under your skin?"
"You need Jesus," said Kurapika.
"I work out," Chrollo muttered sulkily.
Illumi just gaped. Me? He'd never thought he had the most anything. He wasn't the heir. He wasn't smart enough, despite being the oldest. But of course it had to be some abstract joke. Hisoka probably didn't even mean it.
"I can't tell if you'd be robotic in bed, or kinky as fuck," said Hisoka.
"Too bad you'll never find out," Illumi responded. His heart pounded.
"Do you ever quit?" complained Leorio.
"Do you ever finish anything?"
Leorio ignored Hisoka, gaze lasering on Illumi. "If your parents kick the shit out of you, then can I ask why you do whatever they want?" His breath came ragged. "You seem like an okay guy here. Not like the puppet you seem like most of the time, despite Hisoka joking about it. Why aren't you trying to escape and take all your siblings with you? You could do it. I really think you could. You've got four of them depending on—"
Illumi shook his head. "Our parents are good parents. They want the best for us." Dad said so. And in every aspect, Illumi was trying to imitate the man, even in growing his hair long like him. Even if his hair was dark and straight instead of silver and curly, like Dad's. Even if his eyes were wide and dark, like his mother's. I want you to see you in me. And he had to. Grandfather complimented Illumi. Even if Dad never said it, he had to realize it. Illumi might not have won the genetic lottery to be designated the heir but he was smart enough, he could make them proud, he was a child still worth having. I deserve to exist. I'll prove it.
"The best?" Leorio cried out. "Killua's told us what they do to Alluka and to him and all of you. Psychologically scarring all of you doesn't make you the best!"
"So what?" Illumi shot back. "At least they give a damn, unlike Hisoka's or Chrollo's, and Kurapika's died and left him." Shit.
"Fuck off!" Kurapika shouted.
Illumi gazed around the room, taking in Chrollo's somber dark eyes, Leorio's angry, narrow ones, Kurapika's hurting scarlet ones, and Hisoka's inscrutable golden ones. "What about yours?" he eked out. "They aren't pushing you, right? So can you really say they care about you? They don't. If they did—"
"You have the world's most fucked up definition of caring," Leorio said. "This is why I punched you in the face after you skipped class to yell at Killua. Because even though you were acting like there might be hope for you earlier, I understand why Killua is terrified of you. Thanks for reminding me why I dislike you."
"Killua is not terrified of me!" Illumi protested. "I'm the one who used to chase nightmares away when we were kids, dammit, he—"
"If I may," said Chrollo. "You are still kids."
"So your parents baby you?" Illumi had gotten to his feet. He remembered Gyro yanking Leorio away from Illumi, telling him that he would see him in detention that Saturday, and when Leorio blurted out that Illumi had skipped class to yell at his brother, well, Illumi then found himself joining him.
"I'm not the one who muttered 'okay, my parents will have something to say about this,' after Gyro sentenced you to this bloody detention," Leorio shot back. "But they didn't get you out of it, did they? Do they really care, then? Do they really want you to be the best? Can you rely on them for anything like they can rely on you, the perfect puppet?"
Illumi curled his fist. He took a step forward. No. Leorio Paladiknight was not worth his time. He inhaled. Exhaled. Tried to push his feelings out of his chest, down his arms and legs, out through his fingers and toes. "You're not worth it." He dropped down to the floor again. "Killua and my parents—my family—they're the ones who are worth it."
I can take all the blows, Dad.
I'm worth it. I'll do better. But because I failed, I'll show you I can make it up. I can. I can.
"Don't you give a damn what Killua wants?" Kurapika demanded.
"You're one to talk," said Illumi. "Aren't you making every decision based on what you think your dead parents would want?"
Kurapika blanched. Hisoka's eyebrows flew up. Chrollo's jaw fell open.
"Killua won't be happy without the family," said Illumi. "He has to know we love him. I love him. I want the best for him, like our parents want the best for all of us, but they entrusted him to me, so—" Fuck, fuck, this sensation gripped him in his chest and it wouldn't leave, it wouldn't even budge.
"To you?" Leorio swallowed. "What would have happened if they found out Killua's been spending more time with Gon, and with me and Kurapika? To you?"
"It'd be my failing them," Illumi said. His voice cracked. "I won't fail them. I never have. It's not that you are bad people. I don't think you are bad people. You're almost fun, today. It's just that in our family, we have a lot to live up to. Please understand. The Zoldyck name and reputation, and Killua's the best of us. They had us all tested for our IQs, and his is the highest in four generations. He doesn't need friends. He just needs his family. Skipping homework time and study sessions to be with you two, Kurapika and Leorio, and that Gon, are just—"
"May I make a small observation?" said Hisoka.
"Good grief, he's actually asking," mumbled Chrollo.
"Killua hates you."
The stiff air in his chest solidified into rocks. He couldn't breathe. Illumi's stomach churned. "He does not," he eked out.
Killua hates. You.
Killua hates. You.
Killua. Hates. You. Killua hates you. Killua hates you hates you hates hates hates you you you Killua—
"Yes, he does," Hisoka said.
"Oh, shut up!" said Kurapika.
"Fuck off," said Chrollo.
"I hate you!" The shout ripped from Illumi's throat. His shoulders shook.
"No, you don't. You hate yourself. And you know it's true. You keep trying to tell yourself you're fine, just fine, but the reality is you know no one loves you except Killua maybe once, and now he hates you, and no matter what you do you can't be enough for him. The Zoldyck family isn't his whole world and it isn't yours either, but you keep thinking it can be because you're desperate to be enough for your parents. It's a baby's logic."
"Blocking him from friends is really not gonna help Killua want to be close to you," admitted Leorio.
"Shut the fuck up!" Illumi yelled.
"You're afraid that you can't make it on your own," Hisoka continued. "That you're not a full person without the Zoldyck part of your name. That just Illumi isn't enough. Which I guess makes sense given that your mom like shiratori named you all. IlluMIlluKIlluAlluKAlluto. Are any of you individual people or are you all interconnected tools?"
"We're people, and what would you know about it? You have no system and no family to call your own. You are just a loose cannon without anyone to control, without anyone to care about because you care about no one!" Illumi shot back.
"You pretend you don't care about anything," said Chrollo, and Illumi had no idea which of them he was talking to. "But you do care. You care a lot."
"Oh look, the pot calling the kettle black," Hisoka taunted. "You're the one who pretends to be an outcast of society but creates a pseudo-family all centered around him. If you really were an outcast you'd be me. Jealous?"
Every eye turned to Chrollo, but Illumi's mind retreated to himself standing outside Killua's door, knocking and knocking last night, but his brother didn't let him in.
Killua.
Please.
His gaze passed from face to face, and he felt his throat closing up.
I can be an outcast so long as I have my family.
They want me, right?
Why didn't you get me out of this?
Killua, why didn't you open the door?
Why were my IQ scores too low? Why do I have black hair and big dark eyes? Why am I built less like a linebacker? Why am I me?
"I am not jealous of a psychotic clown," Chrollo retorted. He flicked a speck of dust off his dark pants. Shit, Hisoka was at his best and worst today. This was why Chrollo had invited him to hang out with the Phantom Troupe. He could read people like a book.
"Ableism alert," sang Hisoka.
The first time he met Hisoka, he spotted the man sneaking through the air vents in the school after hours. Chrollo and his friends were there to steal some of the jewelry Mr. Nostrade had been storing in his desk after buying them for his daughter Neon. And he knew instantly that Hisoka was trying to get close to them for some reason, even if he didn't know quite what it was. And Chrollo admired that. Because lurking on the outskirts, slinking along in curiosity, and then being completely free to still mock them and tease Machi, as Hisoka had—that was something Chrollo respected, and knew, only it was the alleys of Meteor City instead of the air vents of the school.
"You're envious all the time," Illumi said to Chrollo. "Thief." Clearly he was eager just for another target in the group, since he looked like he was about to burst into tears.
"I'm aware I'm a thief," Chrollo responded. Words could never hurt him.
"And no remorse?" Kurapika burst out. "Don't you get it? The things you steal—"
Oh great, here they went. Chrollo wanted to blow Hisoka up right now. Of course he would start in on Chrollo just when they were all getting along and he was getting to laugh with the beautiful blonde with a 4.0. "Are just things," Chrollo cut in. "Some have, some don't, and some never have ever had anything. So what if I steal? You've had so much given to—" He was grasping at straws.
"The earring you stole from my locker?" Kurapika burst out. He tugged at the solitary gold and ruby piece dangling from his ear. "It was my mother's. And her mother's. And her mother's before her. And they're all dead."
"So—"
"So, it's not like you would understand, I guess," Kurapika snapped. His chest rose and fell. His breaths came harsh. "Because you don't understand that being able to remember the people you love, the people you've lost—"
"The people you want to join?" Chrollo burst out.
Kurapika stiffened.
"Don't act so innocent. I saw the noose in your locker," Chrollo said, looking at Leorio as he spoke to Kurapika. Do you know your tragic hero wannabe is suicidal? "And I did the responsible thing and told Gyro, after you turned me in for stealing. Tell me, where were you planning on hanging yourself at this school? The library balcony, right here? One of the stairwells?"
"What are you doing?" Kurapika's voice had broken into Chrollo's world after he shut the locker door, earring in his pocket and the vision of the noose swimming through his mind. "Hey! Get back here! Thief!"
Chrollo had run. But he hadn't gotten far. And when Gyro called him to the office, Chrollo told him. "School looks like it's about to lose its best student. Considering he's got a noose in his locker. Maybe it was destiny I looked in there today."
And Gyro's face drained, and he swore at Chrollo, but he did send the secretary to check and then Kurapika wound up in Gyro's office, guilty party instead of victim, and Chrollo wanted to scream because of course this fucking school would fault a suicidal kid instead of calling a psychiatrist or his parents. Though, he hadn't known at the time that there weren't parents to call, not for Kurapika.
Leorio turned to Kurapika. His face was ashen.
"Fuck you!" Kurapika screamed. Chrollo stiffened.
"You were going to what?" eked out Illumi.
"I wasn't really going to! I just—" Kurapika hurled the Bungee Gum wrapper at Chrollo. "Fuck you," he said again. Tears streamed down his face.
"No one wants you to die," Chrollo said. "You're welcome."
"Don't kill yourself; that'd be a waste," Hisoka said.
"Like you're any different! You just want to live hard and die young!" Kurapika flipped him off.
"Kurapika," Leorio said quietly.
"I wasn't really going—I mean—" Kurapika pulled his knees to his chest. "I miss them so much. I miss them. I miss their laughs, and I miss their nagging, and I miss—I miss—" His voice broke.
To love someone that much… Chrollo couldn't even imagine. He'd never known his father. His mother, he lost when he was so young. He didn't remember her very much; in the brief snapshots he had, her face was always blurred. "It's not your fault they're dead," Chrollo said. "You know." He thought of his mother. She ditched him before she died. He thought so, anyways.
"I don't think it is. It was an accident."
"So, you're alive, so why not act like it?" Chrollo demanded. "You have opportunities I never had, so why are you—"
"Don't make me out to be some spoiled rich—"
"Well, that's what—"
"You and I are nothing alike, so why—"
"Hilariously," said Hisoka. "I think you're the same person. Chrollo's family ditched him so he's getting back at the universe by gathering his gang. Someday he'll lose some members and trust me, Kurapika, he's not going to respond any better."
"Is that a threat?" Chrollo demanded. Fury surged through him.
Hisoka's lips curved, as if Chrollo had just proved his point. "What on earth," said Hisoka. "Are you even doing, besides collecting trophies from lives you never had, and selling them to get as close to that life as you could?"
Chrollo's throat went dry. Go to hell, he thought, but he couldn't even form the words.
"Don't die," said Leorio.
"Don't die," Chrollo managed. He could at least say that.
"Don't die," Illumi said. Hell.
"Don't die," said Hisoka. "There, a perfect circle." His lips puckered as if something was bothering him. Most likely that Chrollo didn't feel like eviscerating him right back. He just wanted to talk to everyone here. He'd shown up to do just that.
"Is that really why you are here, Chrollo?" Illumi asked. Bless him. "Breaking into his locker, and Kurapika for having the noose?"
"Don't pretend you care," said Hisoka. "You're just finding out how Kurapika is messed up so you can report to your parents and they can use it as a reason Killua can spend no time with him anymore. And you, Chrollo, you don't want anything besides everyone to hate you, because you think you're better than everyone else so they all must either hate or love you. You pretend like you're a phantom slipping through this school, but if you really thought that of yourself you wouldn't be trying to hard to wreck everything. You're already a ghost. Kurapika just wants to be like you, really: dead inside."
"You're a goddamn bitch!" Chrollo shouted. And you're ruining everything!
"You know, for all you think that you have to earn things, Kurapika has the same line of thinking as you and Illumi," Hisoka said to him. "Earn, earn, earn. You can't fucking earn anything. No matter how good you are or how smart or how capable, Illumi's parents are always going to love him less than they love Killua, and Kurapika's parents will still be dead, and you will still be a brat born in Meteor City. All you are accomplishing is pushing Killua away when he might actually care about you, or did once, and Kurapika's ignoring his family and friends who remain because he's too sad over his poor dead parents, and you, Chrollo, you're just ensuring that you can't ever leave where you were born because you don't want to. You're a big coward who masquerades as a capable big bad thief. You don't want to make your own decisions in life."
"Go to hell!" all three of them yelled.
"Jesus," complained Leorio, massaging his temples.
"And what about you?" Illumi asked, voice shaking.
"Huh?" Hisoka tilted his head back. He snapped his gum.
"What about you?" Illumi repeated, eyes dark. "You, who's in here for telling obscene jokes. You, who tried to turn yourself into Gyro and Pariston's target of the day. You, who got us all to sneak up so you could show us your favorite candy and childhood toy. You, who suggested we all come up here and talk. You, who dress in that ridiculous outfit. You just want someone to notice you, don't you?"
Hisoka's jaw dropped. It took him several seconds to speak. "Fuck you."
"No," said Illumi. "Fuck you, Hisoka. All you've done is make sure all of us are pissed off at you. If you wind up all alone, it'll be your fault, and that's how you'd like it, wouldn't you? Because you think you're better than everyone else and you want to prove it. In reality, you're not. And you also know you're not. You know you're trash and you want to pretend you can enjoy something in life before you die. You're just as suicidal as Kurapika."
"I like you, Illumi," Chrollo said. "Join my group sometime."
Kurapika arched his eyebrows. "You all suck." The words sounded broken instead of haughty.
Hisoka just sat there, no reaction on his face, no side rage or laughter. Chrollo folded in on himself. "I suppose we do all suck."
Illumi managed a small laugh.
"Hooray," said Leorio. "The Suckage Club."
Kurapika almost smiled.
None of us are better than the others. Except perhaps Leorio.
Why are we even alive?
I wish… I wish I had people to mourn like you do, Kurapika. I wish.
He'd always been wishing. Each turn of a page was a wish, despite knowing that the ends to every book he read were fixed.
I don't know how to live. Chrollo got to his feet. "I should go back to my closet. Only about an hour left." He paused by Kurapika, reaching down and tapping him on the shoulder.
Kurapika looked up at him.
"Here," said Chrollo, digging into his pocket. He held it out in the palm of his hand.
The other earring.
"I knew they were your mother's," Chrollo said softly. "I heard you telling Gon as much." And I wished. I wished. "I didn't know she was gone, though."
Kurapika gaped up at him. His face grayed.
What, I'm more callous than you thought? He reached down, grabbing Kurapika's hand. He pressed the earring into it.
"See you Monday."
