Notes: Thanks again for all the reviews, for being an experimental story, this received a lot more feedback than I thought it would. So thank you, thank you all! If anyone has a preference for the ending (which is two chapters from now) please leave it in a review (bittersweet? Happy? Angst galore?) it's still up for grabs.
Cold Spring
Arthur/Merlin: While guarding the village of Ealdor, Prince Arthur finds himself smitten with the town medic, Merlin. Years later, these feelings inevitably resurface when Arthur finds out that the very same Merlin is in Camelot, on trial for being a warlock.
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Chapter III: Crossed
--
The promise of soon dragged out to never. Six years passed and Crown Prince Arthur Pendragon inevitably pushed aside all thoughts of Merlin the medic. It was a summer fling, he hadn't known anything when he was a boy of nineteen. After all, Merlin had told him that he had other lovers aside from Arthur, and even if he loved Arthur best out of all those lovers, Merlin probably went back to his lovers as soon as Arthur was out of sight. It wasn't the same for Arthur, thoughts of Merlin still plagued his thoughts, even when he was sharing a bed with his queen. The beautiful Lady Guinevere, he'd married her the week after his return. Uther had been insistent, and Arthur had relented.
Perhaps she would take his mind off of Merlin.
She did not. Arthur thought that the nights that she had to share his bed, those nights had been torture. Torture, because he remembered the nights that he had spent in Merlin's filthy, common bed.
When Gaius announced that Queen Guinevere was pregnant, with a boy, Arthur was so relieved that he ordered the entire court for a week long feast, Uther was happy to oblige his son, and so did everyone else, for the wrong reasons. Arthur was so immensely relieved that he didn't have to bed her for another nine months, that to celebrate, he drunk himself into a stupor every night and sent for a dark haired page to look after him. The page's name was not Merlin, but he had enough sense not to say anything when Arthur called him that.
Queen Guinevere did not notice her husband's private suffering. She was big with child, Arthur's child, and the toast of the nation. Arthur hated her for it, he hated her with such intense hatred that he hardly ever saw her. In fact, he rarely left his chambers at all, he only went out to patrol with his knights every once in a while, and the rest of the time, he was alone with his page.
"They wonder about you." The page said one night as he set dinner in front of Arthur, "They wonder if the Crown Prince is going insane. Maybe you should set them straight."
"There's nothing wrong with me, Merlin."
The page bit his lip, "That's not my name, Sire."
"Your name is whatever I want it to be." Arthur snapped at him, as he downed his goblet of wine in a single vicious gulp. "If I want it to be Merlin, then your name is Merlin. Shut up and pour me more wine. And call me Arthur."
The page didn't move, "You're drunk."
"How is that any of your business?"
"...It..." The page hesitated, "It isn't. I'm sorry. Sire, I mean, Arthur." Then he refilled Arthur's glass to the brim with dark wine, "...May I retire?"
"To the next room, I'll call if I need you."
--
"Arthur, sit down." Gaius looked stern, "We need to have a talk. You've been asking me for memory potions all this week, I have every right to know what's going on. Too much of that is not good for you, you ought to know that."
Yes, Arthur had been asking Gaius for potions, but day after day he had downed them like wine, and Merlin's face still haunted him at night. He rubbed his temples, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I keep seeing a face. I want it to stop. It's driving me crazy."
"Arthur," Gaius said slowly, "Are you seeing visions?"
Arthur couldn't even think of what his father's reaction would be if he found out that the Crown Prince of Camelot was a sorcerer, "No, it's not like that...I just see a face. I don't see anything else at all, just a face." Merlin's face. "Every time I close my eyes, I see it."
Gaius looked unconvinced, "...You're ill." He said.
"Quite possibly." Arthur agreed readily, "My page would second your professional opinion, actually."
"Speaking of your page, you shouldn't frighten him so. His name is Thomas. He thinks you're completely out of your mind." Gaius rifled through the shelves and handed Arthur a small vial. "Drink this, you shouldn't see the face anymore. You're not like yourself at all. If this continues any longer, the whole court's going to think you're crazy."
That night, Arthur slept without Merlin's face floating mockingly above him. Whatever the potion it was, it worked, Merlin's face vanished from his mind completely. The next morning, Arthur woke feeling oddly lightheaded and refreshed, as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He was able to smile when he saw his page, Thomas.
"Good morning, Thomas."
The page started, "...Sire?"
Arthur stretched and sat up, "Ready my horse and round out my knights. We're going on an early patrol today. I'll dress myself. Come back when you have that all taken care of."
Thomas beamed, "Yes, sire. I'll get on it right away."
--
So Arthur resorted to that, the nights when Merlin's face resurfaced in his memory, he'd ask Gaius for the vial, and the court physician gave it readily without asking any questions. By the end of the month, he drank one vial every four days. Arthur kept himself busy, and Uther was so surprised at this burst of enthusiasm from his son, that he had to call Arthur in for a talk: going on patrol five times a day was a bit much, even for Knights of Camelot. But that aside, Arthur was thoroughly commended for his good work.
Once, he almost rode to Ealdor, alone. He got to the edge of the village, and changed his mind. Nothing seemed to have changed, or have been changed due to his absence. The villagers toiled on without his knights, and probably Will served as Arthur's substitute in Merlin's bed. He couldn't bear to see that. He had no part in this world, no part in the life of the man he so desperately loved. So Arthur had turned back. Guinevere had been there to greet him at the gates, still big with child.
"Arthur! When the knights said you'd gone and disappeared, I was so worried!"
Her face was tipped to receive his kiss, but Arthur couldn't hide a tremble of disgust when he touched her. "I just needed some fresh air."
"Come, dine with me and the child."
He did better than that, in silent vengeance against Merlin, Arthur shared her bed that night and didn't leave her chambers until morning. He vomited afterwards, and sent Thomas to Gaius, asking for two vials instead of one. Merlin's face swam in his mind, eyes dark with betrayal. Arthur gulped down the vials, and for once, the potion was bitter on his tongue.
"Sire...Perhaps you'd better stay in bed. I'll tell the Knights not to set out for patrol." Thomas touched his arm, "Here, let me help you to bed."
It was as if Merlin's eyes had sapped him of all strength. It had been years, but still Arthur was tormented. He leaned heavily on Thomas' arm as he stumbled to bed, Thomas helped him undress without saying a word. After he was done, Arthur held fast to the page's hand.
"Thank you, Merlin."
Thomas wrenched his hand out of Arthur's grasp with surprising force. Bowed, and ran as if he had just seen a ghost.
--
A man had fainted in the square, they said. He looked like a common peasant man, who carried a satchel full of exotic herbs. He had no place in Camelot, no one had ever seen him before. Arthur's heart before his head. He knew it was. He pushed through the wondering crowd and saw him there, sprawled on the ground. Merlin. The medic's face looked to be more gaunt than what Arthur remembered. The boyish lines were gone, replaced by the many sorrows that a man had to carry. He felt tears come unexpectedly to his eyes.
Gaius was there, gripping Merlin's wrist for a pulse.
"Arthur?"
Arthur lowered his eyes and covered his face with his hands. The tears came like an unwanted, unexpected storm. "...It's Merlin." He whispered though sobs, "This man, he saved my life. Gaius, take good care of him." Suddenly, the days ahead didn't seem so dark.
--
Perhaps it was to Arthur's advantage, that no one protested very much over his putting up a stranger in his own personal bed chambers. Gaius came every day to force some sort of odd potion down Merlin's throat, and if the physician was ever suspicious about his not asking for potions anymore, Gaius never said anything. Thomas never said anything either, about how Arthur insisted on sharing his dinner with a comatose stranger who slept on his bed.
Thomas was Thomas again. Perhaps he wanted to keep it that way. He also insistently called Arthur 'sire' to see if the Prince would correct him. The prince did not. That night, Arthur even gave Thomas leave to go home, instead of staying in the room next door.
After Thomas was gone, Arthur climbed into bed next to the unmoving Merlin, and traced the medic's face. The lines were harder, so was the body, and Arthur wondered with a jealous heart, how many lovers Merlin had taken in his absence.
"...Arthur."
Arthur's heart leaped, when he gazed down at Merlin's face, the medic was awake. Dazed, but most decidedly awake. "Merlin." He said the medic's name over and over again like a broken watch tower clock that wouldn't stop tolling. "Merlin, Merlin, Merlin..." He pressed kisses, harsh and bruising, over every patch of skin that he could find. "I've missed you."
"Arthur..." Merlin breathed sharply, "You're hurting me."
Arthur drew back hastily. "You remember who I am." He said dumbly. Well, not entirely, Merlin still didn't remember that he was talking to the Crown Prince of all of Albion. But that part could be excused.
"Of course I do...you're the only prince that I've ever known. I wasn't going to forget you in a hurry."
Arthur threaded their fingers together, Merlin's fingers were bony and cold. He wanted to ask if he was still the one that Merlin loved most out of all his lovers, had he thought about Arthur at all in the dreadfully slow six years that had passed since the last time he had seen Merlin, felt his kiss, heard his name called in such a way that it made him flush.
"Yes, Arthur." Merlin answered his wordless questions, which were plain as day in his eyes, "I did miss you, every day I lay thinking of you."
"You had to make me wait six years." Arthur admonished him with a gentle nip to his jaw, "That's certainly not very loverly at all." Did Merlin even know how he'd barely managed to hold out so long without him?
"I thought you'd be all right without me." Merlin bit his lip, "I thought you'd be entertained by your queen and your boy pages." His face grew dark, "After you left...there was a terrible epidemic. Tens of people died at the same time, I...I couldn't come see you. Not when my people are suffering so. I dreamed of you in your castle." There was a sober pause, "I"m sorry, Arthur, to have kept you waiting."
"You've seen so much death. Merlin, you're older than I've ever seen you." Arthur kissed him, "Don't be sorry." He squeezed the medic's hand, just to make sure that Merlin was truly there, not just a wisp of his imagination. "...Why did you faint in the square?"
"Exhaustion. I walked for days, you know. I couldn't wait to see you." Merlin shifted his head so it pillowed on Arthur's shoulder, "Your bed is so much more comfortable than mine."
"Of course, it's hardly a common bed." Arthur told him with an air of mock arrogance, "It's a bed of a Crown Prince." And then he hesitated, "...Are you going to stay a while?"
Merlin nodded eagerly, "If you don't mind me. Will is a competent medic now, I'll stay for a little while."
Arthur kissed him, "Good."
--
Arthur spent his days in bliss. Merlin was here in Camelot, although they had lost six years, he was going to make sure that they wouldn't lose anymore days. He introduced Merlin to Gaius, and the court physician was impressed at many of the medic's cures. Arthur practically crowed to the whole of Camelot that Merlin saved his life, and whenever Merlin walked into the marketplace, people would bow to him and give him gifts. Guinevere found in Merlin, a fellow gentle soul, and he called her Gwen. She didn't suspect a thing, and Merlin was sweet as could be to her.
Even Uther, in a gesture of surprising generosity, offered Merlin a place at the royal table. Merlin declined, saying that it was too great of an honor to bestow upon a common peasant. He took his meals alone in Arthur's room, and whenever Arthur could manage, he joined him.
Merlin took quickly to the wine, and his pale cheeks flushed prettily with wine, "Arthur, I wish you'd stop doing that."
"Doing what?" Arthur refilled Merlin's wineglass.
"Telling people I saved your life." Merlin frowned, "It's nothing. I'm a medic and I save lives."
"Not every medic has the chance to save the life of a crown prince." Arthur reminded him. "It's something to be proud of."
"No, it isn't." Merlin laid back against silk pillows. "Arthur, life is life. Your life is just as worthy as a life of a farmer that works in Ealdor. If he dies, his family will not have food for the coming winter. If you die, this kingdom will have no king. There's no difference, a life is a life. Your life is not worth any less, or any more, than any of the lives that I have saved."
Arthur opened his mouth to retort, but then he decided against it and drank more wine instead.
"...How about your own life?"
"My own life?" Merlin blinked, "What do you mean?"
"...Life is life, so you say. Would you sacrifice your own life if another life could be saved?"
Merlin nodded, "I would."
Arthur loved him more than ever. He climbed into bed and smothered Merlin's body with kisses. "I wish you wouldn't, I probably love your life more than you do. Preserve my life as your own, and don't be so hasty in throwing it away."
"Very good." Merlin had the audacity to smirk as he kissed back, "You've gotten to be a lot more eloquent since we last met."
--
"Arthur, your wife and your son might die." Gaius told him gravely, "...I was hoping, since Queen Guinevere seemed to be in such good health and good spirits that it would be a speedy delivery, but it doesn't look that way." The old physician frowned, "She lost a lot of blood, there's not much else we could do."
Arthur rubbed his temples, he did not love Guinevere, but she was his Queen, and even if he did not love her, his people did. "So you're saying...there's no other choice, but to let her die, Gaius?"
Merlin sat beside Arthur quietly. He seemed deep in thought, until he opened his eyes and looked up, "Can I try?" He asked. "I can save Gwen, I think, if you let me try, Gaius."
Gaius looked displeased, "I cannot allow you to touch the Queen, Merlin. You might be a talented medic, but in the court of Camelot, there are rules. You can't touch the Queen. Uther would never allow it."
Arthur looked at the medic as his face fell, that convinced him in an instant. "Guinevere is my wife and my Queen, and not Uther's." He told Gaius, "And I trust Merlin."
"Arthur--"
Arthur ignored him, and turned to the medic who was already on his feet, "...Merlin, swear on your life that you'll save my Queen and my child."
Merlin gripped his hand, "I do, sire."
--
It seemed forever, the next time that he saw Merlin. Merlin had dismissed the nursemaids and forbade Gaius to enter. Everyone lined up in the halls, straining to hear the news. Merlin emerged, soaked in blood, barely standing, and Arthur caught him as he fell to the floor. His face shone with joy. "The Queen lives, Arthur." He said, "The Queen lives, and so does the child. It's a healthy baby boy."
It was only natural for Arthur to reply, "I name him Merlin."
--
Arthur had wanted to throw Merlin an elaborate feast for saving Guinevere and the newborn Merlin, and after the initial rounds of suspicion, Uther eventually came around and seconded the notion. But Merlin waved it away, saying that it was too great an honor. His request was a simple one. "I don't want a feast, Arthur. Just having you to myself one night is more than enough for me. I did nothing noble, call off the feast."
Arthur protested, but Merlin's heart was set in stone. He called off preparations for the feast and instead, had the kitchen prepare elaborate dishes to his room where he fed Merlin on the bed, after he had bathed him. Arthur's clothes were a bit short on Merlin, but the medic was so thin that the silk layers just swallowed him up. "Change the name of your son, don't name him Merlin."
"Why not name him Merlin?"
"Because, I've done nothing noble."
"It's going to look really stupid, changing his name hours after I've just named him." Arthur said, "Besides, Guinevere and I are in agreement."
"Just, don't, all right?"
"When are you going to admit that you've done something miraculous? You are really too modest for your own good." Arthur brushed back dark hair and kissed Merlin's forehead, "The people of Camelot, noble and peasant, we're all indebted to you."
"It doesn't matter." Merlin reached out and pulled Arthur on top of him, "Make love to me and let me have my night, Arthur. Don't talk so easily about miracles. They don't exist."
Arthur tasted desperate anguish in Merlin's mouth, there was no joy. He tried to glean a trace of it in Merlin's eyes, there was none. Slowly, a feeling of dread crept upon him like a shadow. "...What's wrong, Merlin?"
"You asked me once, if there was anything you needed to know." Merlin's voice was heavy. "Will you love me and stand by me if I tell you?"
In Merlin's eyes, there were dark tears, Arthur kissed him, soothing a hurt he could not discern, "I will always love you."
"Then, in the morning, if I still breathe, I will tell you." Merlin told him, "Don't ask me anything more now. Just be with me, Arthur. Please, let me have my night. You said you'd give me whatever I want." Merlin's kisses suddenly hurt, teeth sank into his lip without regard, and Arthur rocked him. "Belong to me."
"I've always been yours."
--
The morning Merlin spoke of never came. It was still in the depths of the night that Arthur heard loud rapping at his door. "Sire! Open up!"
The medic slept peacefully beside him, bare and beautiful as nature intended. Arthur was loathed to wake him, and grumbled that the night watches never had any propriety. He threw a blanket over Merlin's naked form and hastily dressed himself. He opened the door to an unexpected party: Uther Pendragon, Gaius, and two of the night guards. At the sight of his father, Arthur felt his stomach coil in warning, "...It's late, can't this wait until morning?"
"Where's Merlin?" Gaius said gently.
Arthur frowned, "He's here, but he's asleep. I don't want to wake him up. What do you want with him?"
"Wake him." Uther spoke, voice hard and eyes hollow.
"Why?"
Gaius took pity on him, and laid a hand on Arthur's arm, it was a fatherly hand that Uther never possessed. "Arthur, Merlin is guilty of treason. He's a warlock."
Arthur just stared, "Merlin is not a warlock." He bit at angrily, "He's a medic and he saves lives, he's saved me, my Queen, my child."
"He's enchanted you!" Uther spat back angrily, "You're helplessly blind to his sorcery!"
"If he wanted me dead, he would have killed me years ago!" Arthur shook visibly, "What would have possessed him to save my life? Merlin would never harm me, Father."
"Arthur, he's a commoner, and a warlock." Uther glared at his son, "You've no cause to defend him, now stand aside."
"I won't let you take him." Arthur stood firm, "Merlin is not a warlock!"
A cold hand clasped him on the shoulder. Arthur turned to stare at Merlin, a pale thin ghost dressed in silk, "Arthur, it's all right. I'll go. You're making a scene, it's unsightly for a prince to plead on a criminal's behalf. Don't shame yourself anymore than you have to."
"Don't you dare touch my son!" Uther hissed at him, "Take him."
"Merlin!" Arthur whirled on the medic with wild eyes as Merlin's hand dropped from his shoulder, "Tell them! Tell them you aren't a warlock."
And from Merlin, there was only a terrible silence. He said nothing at all as he held his wrists out for the heavy chains. The guards shackled him, and Merlin only winced.
"Merlin--"
Merlin turned to him, face wrought with knowledge. He suddenly looked very old, and Arthur wanted nothing more than to be chained and shackled on his behalf. "Sire, please. Go back to bed, don't watch me."
Tears stung his eyes, and Arthur felt Uther's hand clasp his arm, as strong and limiting as a chain of any iron, "No..."
"Princes should keep their promises." One of the guards shoved Merlin rudely out the door, and Arthur's knees buckled beneath him. Gaius helped him up and led him back to the bed. Gaius had a vial with him, a vial which he forced down Arthur's throat. Arthur's eyelids were instantly heavy. He slept, a dreamless sleep, except Merlin's face was lurking in the shadows.
Chapter III End:: 5/08/09
