I'm back again with Part 3! All the feedback just made me so giddy I finished it quicker then anticipated. A little more romance and a little less humor, but it's still there, so I hope you enjoy this next installment!


Marshall Mann's Guide to Exotic Animals

Everything You Need to Know on How to Keep One

Chapter Three

Three Steps to Dating

It can be rightfully said that only a really, REALLY foolish Keeper would dare try to acclimate his exotic pet to some of the more mundane things of normal life. Cooking. Movies. Food that didn't actually go 'Bah', 'Moo', or 'Oink' when they bit into it. The wildly untamed and exotic animals living among civilized people, while capable of blending in, always, always, ALWAYS operated to a beat that was uniquely their own. It is the Keeper's job, thusly, to serve as a liaison between it and the world, ensuring that no mistakes occurred that left one (or both) parties bloody and more then a little broken. If adaption is not possible, then it is their duty to ensure the exotic animals are kept safe, and that contact with people is kept to an absolute minimum.

His Mary – exotic, beautiful, and carnal Mary went both ways. It made things a little difficult, since he'd long ago concluded that dating Mary, as opposed to being her lover, had to be done with caution and, if at all possible, without her ever realizing they were dating in the first place. The word dating was liable to send his she-cat running for the hills, hissing and roaring the entire way because of the perceived bars of entrapment coming towards her ominously. While Marshall was secure in the fact that she loved him, even if she never said it, he had no illusions about what this fact did and did not let him get away with.

He could piss her off, because he was Marshall Mann with the never ending trivia and she would still love him, because she was the only one he really wanted to impart a piece of his knowledge to anyway and she knew it. He could stay with her after the sex, because he was not a stranger and she did trust him. He could safely snuggle with her a little, something that his Mary-cat did not allow anyone else because that would interfere with her shooting anyone that invaded her den, because she'd seen him nail a suspect from a prone position right between the eyes and with his vision impaired. Never mind that he always had her back…

What he could not do was a short list, but a vital one never the less, and definitely the more important of his mental lists. He could not say he loved her…yet. It was too soon and too much and she would spook, though she at least held onto and accepted this unspoken knowledge with only a slight fuss. She was Mary Shannon – not an imbecile – and he was not exactly trying hard to hide it. He was not allowed to help her financially, because she was independent and took care of herself, even if it was on the tip of his tongue whenever Jinx would fall off the wagon after a bad day and drink her way through her money or Brandi would lose her job and both were fairly useless for any sort of stable income.

And he most definitely, under any circumstances, could not – on pain of death – romance her.

It was this last rule that had him jumping through hoops, because a big part of the dating was the romancing of the lady and he would not just skip that pivotal step in their relationship. And dating was a prerequisite of sorts to the rest of the stuff he wanted with her. So he had to be creative, like a photographer in the plains, sliding noiselessly downwind to try and get a picture of this beautifully lethal and exotic creature that would disappear like smoke if she so much as caught wind of his presence.

The challenge was there, like something stuck in his teeth that agitated him and wouldn't let go, and Marshall liked games. He liked games a lot. So did Mary, and she didn't even know she was playing in this one.

His first attempt was in the office, surrounded by Stan, Eleanor, and quite a few of the boys and girls downstairs whose curiosity got the better of them. Seven cattails stood in a simple vase in the middle of her desk for her to see once she came in that morning, each one a different species of it that had cost him an arm and a leg to procure, and a standard florists card was tucked inside with a cute tiny pink bow at the corner, just because he knew she hated pink and it would piss her off.

It was an off-beat version of the bring your lady flowers concept and a completely Marshall thing for him to do, were it not for the condoms rolled over them in a very blatant phallic display. And the card with a poem inside it even Marshall couldn't read again without blushing.

Mary took one look at them and busted out laughing like a loon for the rest of the day and set them on the corner of her desk, condoms and all, with a grin on her face every time she looked at them. Stan finally made her take them home after a week, but she never managed to stay angry when she got home after that.

Mary framed the poem and kept it on her desk, however, and Marshall didn't miss the looks she sent him from that point on every time she stopped to look at it and read it again.

Those nights always proved to be good. Very, very good.


He never gave her chocolate, because Mary cleaned out his cupboards of anything sweet on a daily basis, and kept a bottle of chocolate syrup stashed away for 'chocolate milk' of a more personal variety, so why bother? Marshall did, however, concede that he most definitely should do the standard dinner date, except without her knowing it, of course. So he did what any self-respecting man did when confronted by a woman he could not openly date because it made her go 'ick'.

He brought the date to the office.

Marshall toted his homemade dinner with him in an inconspicuous brown bag like take out, even though he'd made it himself all morning, and hid it in the lounge for later in the night. Just to make sure no one got the funny idea of swiping it from the office's fridge, he pointedly warned away every single Officer, Administrative Assistant, and Marshal he could think of, because only Mary seemed not to get what he was doing. They all watched him like he was some exotic animal these days, curious and a little out of his mind, but promised to make sure it was still there because seeing their relationship pan out was just too HILARIOUS to interfere with, no matter how tasty the food smelled.

"I'm starving!" Mary finally exclaimed around 6pm, a harassed expression on her face as she glared at the paperwork threatening to drown her like it would magically transform into a pizza. Marshall waited two breaths before he held up the brown bag, retrieved and warmed up by the girls in bookkeeping before they'd left for the night and smuggled up via Eleanor while Mary had disappeared into the bathroom.

With two quick strides, Mary peered into the bag, sniffed, and eyed it skeptically before saying, "It isn't more of that weird French crap you made me try, is it?"

"It's Foie Gras, and no, it is normal food." He handed her the specially prepared steak and potatoes he'd prepared – because an animal needs its meat, even if it doesn't 'moo' when she bit it – and uncorked the wine that he knew was her favorite and had been sitting in a bucket full of ice under his desk by his feet all damn day just for this moment. "Did you know France is the largest producer of the delicacy and consumes over-"

"Don't need to know," she interrupted, holding up her hand to stop him from rambling. "Just pass the silverware this way and please tell me you have some A1 in that bag of yours, doofus."

He scrunched his face and wrinkled his nose, but tossed the tiny bottle her way without a thought. "Mon dieu, mademoiselle…" He stared at the bottle exaggeratedly and clutched a hand to his heart as she poured the sauce over her meal generously, staring at him pointedly as she did so. Marshall leaned back once, then twice in his chair in a pantomime of being shot with each shake of the bottle before he nearly toppled ass over elbow in truth, earning himself a loud snort from Mary in response.

They ate in a companionable silence, though he kept gazing over when he knew she wasn't paying attention to the see the appreciative smile and inaudible sighs she made as she ate. Garnering a reaction out of Mary over food was a rare thing – food is food, isn't it? – and he preened just a little bit in response.

All those late nights with the Food Network finally paid off.

"Where did you order this food from?" she asked him when they finished, a rather unrefined belch coming from her lips. Such is her charm.

"Just a small place in my neighborhood," he grinned, dimple flashing in his right cheek.

Mary nodded absently before looking at her paperwork again with a sneer. "Buy from there more often."

He was already plotting their next meal as he bent down to the remaining half of his own stack, lost in thought as he wondered if he'd get home in time tonight for Emeril.


It was three weeks before Marshall tried anything else, because it was a little more complicated and tricky. The execution part of it was easy enough, but the matter of it being kept secret…well, that was difficult due to the individuals involved.

Meeting the parents, while a seemingly pointless part of things due to his constant presence in Mary's life, was an important thing for him. One day he planned on introducing her to his own…if he could get her that far and the entire Mann family could converge on one spot for more then a day or two. That was the biggest problem with his family, considering they were all involved in the justice system to varying degrees. A FBI Agent, CIA Intelligence Operative, Police Captain, and two Marshal Inspectors – transient occupations that always made them travel constantly. He was grateful they at least remembered to send him cards on his birthday, never mind managing a yearly get together.

Mary's family, on the other hand, was easily accessible. They knew him quite well, considering he'd had his own key to her house for three years now and he'd been an integral part of it for four. As far as he knew, they liked him fine, but they didn't know him…not really. Not like they should. Mary had gone out of her way to keep them separated with a good degree of success. It was designed for protection – his or theirs, he hadn't the faintest of ideas – but it was something Marshall needed to change before he could continue on the road he was walking any farther.

He was just old-fashioned that way.

The problem was that Brandi and Jinx couldn't keep a secret for the life of them. They were chatty drunks and couldn't lie to save themselves to a stranger, let alone Mary. They were submissive lionesses in Mary's pride, following their female queen wherever she went or going wherever she told them to, so to speak. If she demanded an answer, they gave one, always trying to please her to the end.

So what was a guy supposed to do?

Marshall found his answer in the prime opportunity presented to him in the form of – of all things – Mary's birthday. It put her in an exceedingly foul disposition all day, but he worked his magic and soothed her hackles enough so that he was reasonably sure she wouldn't automatically lunge for his jugular when he implemented, "Operation Family Approval". He did not worry about garnering the typical best friend's OK because it would be strange for him to seek the stamp of approval from himself.

He was cracked, but not that cracked.

"Do we have to?" she groaned, looking at him like it was his fault she was facing yet another non-surprise party.

"You know they're all sloshing drunk around the pool waiting for you," he pointed out, smiling when she glared at him harder before slumping in defeat.

"Fine. But this time you better put out for that drink, doofus."

Marshall merely grinned indulgently, like any good Keeper knew to do when faced by that look. "That's my girl."

The party, like the one from the year prior, wasn't exceedingly awful. It was mostly made up of cops, neighbors, and friends who just wanted any good excuse to drink. Jinx was sipping the sparkling cider, because she was really trying to stay on the wagon with this one, laughing with Stan and Eleanor over something she and the other woman were bonding over. Brandi, on the other hand, was surrounded by a gaggle of drunk off-duty cops, an unamused expression on Peter's face.

"Hey, it's the happy couple," Bobby D toasted when he saw them, earning himself a single finger flipped in his direction by Mary. "You picking out rings yet?"

"Oh, jealous of him are you, Dershowitz?" she smirked, eyes twinkling as he gave a small burst of laughter.

"Hell yeah. I'd be a lot better of a cop if I knew his secret to having as much patience as he does." This earned him a sock on the arm, which ended up into a full blown punching match that ended when they both ended up wrestling each other straight into the pool, because Bobby let loose when he drank and was as bad as Mary when he did so. He'd unobtrusively removed Mary's badge and gun beforehand and set them inside her house, but the same could not be said for his friend, who surfaced with a curse and held up his soaking wet gun with a scowl.

Normally he held back when surrounded by the other two Shannon females, because not everyone really understood his unique brand of genius, but the whole point to his plan was to let them see who he was for real – the Marshall that Mary 'put up with' on a day to day basis and the one who'd gotten himself under her skin so effectively in less then a month and was still clinging tenaciously to her 4 years later. It was the endless trivia and the sarcasm, and the unabashed childishness in which they picked at each other, like a child with a scab, even if it sometimes hurt or made other people cringe and want to look away

The opportunity was just too good to pass up.

Marshall had no idea if Mary realized that Jinx was looking at him a little harder by the end of the night, or that Brandi had a new kind of smile on her face when she looked at him, but Marshall knew and saw the changes. He knew, and he'd succeeded, and now all he had to do was wait.

"Hey doofus," Mary said out of the blue after making him pay a second time for the drinks he'd had that night, propping herself on her elbow with considering expression. "Next time I see that shrink sniffing around, I'm breaking her kneecaps."

He feigned ignorance. "Does that mean we're dating?"

She made a face, hit him on his arm, and flopped face first into her pillow.

Translation: You're mine now, bitch. Get used to it.

The thing about your animals, when you do decide to take that leap into a relationship, is that it is final. You are stuck until they decide to let you go, because God have mercy on you if you should try and be the dumper. You are the dumpee. This is not negotiable. And if they decide to keep you forever, then you sure as hell better be ready for it because they are NOT going to slow down just so you can try and keep up.

Your exotic animal, no matter what flavor she might be, doesn't need another follower. She needs an EQUAL.

And only an equal can keep up with her pace.


A/N: I love Marshall. I seriously, completely do. And it took me forever to think of his version of sending Mary flowers. Sigh. Why can't guys like him truly exist?

And as for salander3's question: Yes, I plan on doing more that will fill the gaps between the chapters. It gives me lots of play room. I have a bunch of them ping-ponging in my head even as I write this.

Anyway, tell me what you think and review! You know you wanna. =)

~SRDempsey