Why did I run? Why was I such a coward? I should go back in there. I should take the smug bastard and bash his face in for making look like such an idiot. I mean, a bet? Really? So he knew, and he was willing to mind fuck me to win a bet? How could I not have seen that? Did he really cloud my vision so much? I'm the Fullmetal alchemist for god sakes. What the hell was going through my mind? He fucking tricked me, that's what was going through my mind.

He mentally sighed.

God, I was so close… So close to having everything I ever wanted.

Ed stood on the roof of some odd building on some odd street. He really didn't care where he was. He wanted to get away from everything familiar. Everything that he knew reminded him of Roy. Or of Al. And that was not what he needed right now.

It was pouring rain. His hair had fallen out of his braid, and it had darkened a shade from the water. His clothes were drenched and he was shivering. His right foot perched on the ledge, the other was planted firmly on the ground. He had his arms folded and resting on his knee. Every breath he took burned his lungs from the cold. He hadn't known how long he had been running. He ran until his lungs burned, and his sides hurt. Ran until he could no longer run. He couldn't tell you if he were still in Central, or some alternate universe for all he cared.

He'd never liked his automail. It always slowed him down, made it harder for him to run, stole his body heat, but most of all reminded him of his biggest mistakes. Right now though, standing on an empty roof, in an empty town, in complete silence and darkness, with just the rain to keep his company, he didn't mind it. He had long before stopped feeling his body. He couldn't feel his fingers, or hands, or face for that matter. And that was the beauty of it. For tonight, for right now, he loved what came with the ignorant, numb, bliss of what was probably hyperthermia.

Again, his thoughts were drawn back to why he was here in the first place. He fists clenched tight unconsciously and fresh tears ran down his cheek to be swept away again by the endless downpour. The marks they made on their decent were like razor blades, cutting a fresh heat and sting down his outer cold cheeks. He felt beat up.

Emotional he was a complete mess. Inside he felt as if his only prized possession was taken away right in front of him and it was his fault. See, you can't really know the difference of "knowing" and 'knowing'. He thought he knew. Knew that the bastard wouldn't, couldn't, didn't return the agonizing plea of longing he did. But to have your suspicions proven is like a punch in the gut. If only it could have come as a complete shock. He didn't know which was worse. Complete, utter, shock of a really bad situation. (He'd had a fair share of those.) Or knowing with a small doubt, but still a doubt non the less, and to have it confirmed. Doubt ripped away from you swiftly and painfully.

Either way it definitely did not feel good. The agonizing torture of automail attachment, on his ten year old body, was not as bad as this. And fuck all those people that said time heals all wounds. He'd been out here for hours, and all it did was get worse.

Okay, so maybe that's not exactly what they meant by time heals all wounds but fuck it.

He could have had a really good night. He went out, loosened up, felt good. Too bad it was the last time that was probably going to happen. Not only did he probably ruin it with the only person he'd ever wanted to give his everything to, his friends were probably never going to talk to him again. They had been mostly Roy's friends anyway. He'd thought Riza was a really good friend. They had been semi-close. She was more of a mother figure. Something that warmed his heart even now. But she would undoubtedly follow Roy no matter what went on. Falman and him had never been really close, but he was an alright guy. He probably lost the opportunity to see if they could actually be friends. Despite the way he was, Havoc was a good friend of Edwards. He was funny, and a real easy person to be around. Strange, yes, but it kind of made it all the better. He was Hawkeyes boyfriend though, and he was glued to that woman. Who was unfortunately, glued to Roy. And then there was Maes. His heart made a clench. Maes had been like a father he never had. Out of the all, he was the most likely not to flee. He was Roy's best friend and all, but he would still be courteous and kind and may just not completely ignore the Elric.

He found himself feeling strangely at loss and guilty. Maybe if he hadn't had hid from the world in the past few months…maybe if he had gone out and tried the least bit to socialize with everyone. Or agreed when one of them invited him out.

No. He shook his head, flinging the more now steady rain around the dark roof.

It wasn't his fault. He had done nothing wrong. It was Roy.

Breath caught in stomach.

Heart clenched.

Winced in result.

Deep throbbing betrayal and humiliation.

He had done it. They had all known. The silent gestures. The giggles. Whispers, and short nods. The laughing at Roy and Ed.

It wasn't innocent nudges for the two of them. It wasn't because they were embarrassing the innocent flirt. It was because Roy had planning to manipulate Ed from the beginning. It was all a show. An executed arrangement of fake emotions, false feelings, and all to get the desired effect of Ed embarrassing himself so that for the next two weeks, Roy could use his military status to degrade Ed, while having the knowledge he had humiliated the boy, and thus, making every embarrassing and infuriating reaction all the more sweeter.

Ed's stomach lurched forward.

It was sick. Tears started to pour out of his eyes and his lip quivered ever so slightly. And evil. And manipulative. Just like that bastard. That was what shocked him. That the colonel would even consider doing something like that.

So either, the colonel is some sick twisted fuck, with no conscious, or he didn't realize the deepness of the emotional hold he had on the boy. The latter was more likely. But the first let him be a little more pissed. Pissed was good. It was better than hurt.

Knowing it wasn't probably a thought out manipulative emotional homicide, had its up's as well. At least now he still had something to guard. Something he had to himself. He wasn't completely empty. Void and bare. He felt a little less insecure but not by much. Although now that he had thrown the man across the room and fled without another word probably summed it all up.

He found himself wondering what would have happened if he had just let him kiss him. He would have had to deal with all the shit after words but it would have been worth it right? I mean. How many a night did he sit up longing to be with him?

He took a deep breath looked up to the sky, letting the cold water rinse over his face. How long had he been here exactly? He didn't know. What he knew only now is that he didn't want to go home. He didn't want to crawl back into his empty bed, and he didn't want to go back to work and suffer through more of those fake smiles, see all those pity head shakes, see those onyx eyes. God…

They left him breathless. That perfect will he had over his body left completely when he was around him. Why did it feel like he had lost something he never had? How was he supposed to live this down?

He suddenly felt very stupid. Stupid, and angry, and embarrassed. Should he have not pushed him away? Should he have suffered through it? Maybe he should have been a little less dramatic and like he didn't care. But he did care. A lot in fact.

It's like dangling candy in front of a child. They reach out to get it and you let them. Then as their hand brushes the plastic covering of their favorite treat, you pull it away from their fingers.

Ed couldn't help but feel his reserve slipping away. The more and more he thought of those midnight eyes, those full pink lips, that dashing smirk, that smell…

A pain tore in his heart and he clasped his hand over his mouth to stop the cry. That smell… Roy smelled amazing. Just like smoke, and body wash and a little of something he couldn't quite grasp. He sunk to the ground resting his head on the ledge. His hands held his face as he cried silently. The sobs drowned out by the weather. He had spent way too long pretending nothing was wrong.

Every time he had stepped into the office he felt like he'd been stabbed. Over and over. That bastard didn't care. He just didn't care.

The longing stares, the saddened expressions, disappointed looks, all gone unnoticed. He felt hollow, and empty, and strange. How had he gotten in so deep. He loved him. He loved him till' it hurt and bled and every inch of his body was consumed by it. He'd love him even if he was rejected, toyed with, hurt… And he loved him now. That he knew. But it was too painful to keep going through. It hurt too much. Way too much.

He had to keep reminding himself that even know he had fallen for the bastard, that his feelings were only one sided. Is that really why it hurt so much? It already hurt knowing how Roy felt, but something that was so serious to Ed was a joke to Roy. Roy didn't know, in a way it wasn't really his fault. Ignorance.

He looked up when he heard faint drips along the ground. Looking up he smiled painfully. The rain had stopped. It was now very lightly and slowly dying out. He still couldn't feel his body. He stood up on wobbly legs and sniffled. He wiped the tears from his face and stuck his wet gloved hands back into his jacket pocket. Then he turned around toward the door that led to the ground.

He didn't look up as he made his way down the stairs. Instead he kept his eyes low, eyebrows furrowed, as he tried to get a grip on himself. His body was still shaking slightly but not from the cold. No, that had stopped ages ago. He was shaking out of pure raw emotion.

He stepped off the last stair and sighed. He didn't know what he was going to do. He really didn't. He walked out the front leaving the plain building. He walked down the dark road, boots making the only sound as they hit the pavement in rhythm. He walked for a good forty minutes before he made it to a familiar place.

The park. It held a lot of something he wasn't quite sure about. It calmed him slightly. He walked over to the bench that just in front of the small pond. He sat on the edge of it. Watching the small amount of moonlight that was peering over the clouds dance across the water. He listened to the bullfrogs and crickets and found it peaceful.

He didn't look up when a familiar body positioned themselves on the other side of the bench. They sat silent. A full conversation being said by the silence. He took a deep breath and leaned back against the back of the bench.

"You know it was only supposed to be harmless." The man across from Ed said. Ed didn't move.

"I'm really sorry Ed." The man sighed rubbing his face with his hands and leaning forward. "I didn't know he was going to pull a stunt like that."

Ed smiled. He did still have a friend.

"It's alright Maes…" Ed said quietly. "You couldn't have known. He, couldn't have known."

And he couldn't have. Roy didn't know that Ed loved him. The thought made his whole body tense. He still feared rejection. Even though he knew the man was by no means into him, it still hurt to think about it.

He knew Maes blamed himself for what happened. Ed wanted to say something. Tell him it wasn't his fault. It wasn't Roy's fault… It was solely his own fault. For letting his feelings get out of hand. For agreeing to go to that stupid bar. To drink. But he just couldn't.

Hadn't he said something about that? He wasn't supposed to drink. No drinking for Ed. Drinking is, again, bad.

They sat in silence for awhile.

"I'll be fine." Ed sighed. And this time his friend didn't lecture about not giving up. That there was still a chance with Roy. He didn't give him any false hope. And this was just about as comforting as it was painful. If Maes had given up, he was really in some trouble.

Maes nodded slowly and stood up. "You should stay at my place tonight. Gracia is making some great dinner."

The thought of food make Ed's stomach moan in disagreement. He clutched his stomach lurching forward and emptied out the contents all over the park ground. He felt a hand rub his back and he was grateful for Maes presence.

"Sorry…" Ed mumbled wiping off his mouth. Maes chuckled and patted his back. "No problem. Come on, Let's go, I'm sure Gracia will have a desert you won't be able to refuse."

Ed smiled back up at the man. Even the way he spoke Gracia's name showed possessiveness and love. He wondered when he had known he loved her. He found himself a little jealous of Gracia and Maes. They obviously loved each other a lot. He longed for someone to love him like that.

Reluctantly he followed Maes back to his car. He felt kind of bad getting into Maes's car soaking wet. He relaxed a bit seeing Maes was in the very same position. He felt the heater kick on as they drove away from the curb.

He began to shiver again and leaned into the small car heater as much as he could.

Maes frowned. He never even thought about the fact that Ed's automail stole most of his body heat. He must be freezing…

They didn't say anything on the drive back to Maes. Ed stared out the window at the passing lights. The rain had stopped before he'd made it to the park so the wetness on the car windows smeared all the color.

The quietness was interrupted by loud ringing. Ed didn't look over as Maes fumbled to get his phone open. He could guess who it probably was.

"Yes, I've found him." Maes said quietly. He stared at Ed frowning as he listened on the other end of the conversation. "Thank you, of course. No, its alright. He's staying with me. Yes. See you tomorrow." He finished the call and dropped the cell phone back in the middle console.

"Riza." Maes answered the un-spoken question. Ed just nodded and smiled softly. The car slowed as they pulled up to the Hughes. He had just realized how late it must have been.

"Are you sure this is okay?" Ed asked frowning as Maes unbuckled his seatbelt.

"Of course." Maes smiled. "You can stay in our guest room."

They exited the car and Ed held in his body tightly. It was in the early morning, he knew that. And it was coldest in the very morning.

They entered the house and he immediately saw a still up Gracia making tea. She smiled softly at Ed and gave her husband a kiss. No words needed to be said. Everyone knew why he was here.

His heart fell even heavier as he walked up the soft steps of the warm house to the guest bathroom. He and Al had been here many times before and he knew the house by memory. He heard only soft whispers from downstairs and he quietly closed the door and flipped on the light.

He winced at the sudden brightness and blinked his eyes multiple times trying to get used to the light. He slowly opened the buttons on his shirt and let it fall off his shoulders. It fell to the ground with a wet thud. He looked into the mirror and sighed. He looked terrible. His eyes were puffy, and red. His hair was a mess, and it was tangled out of its braid. He then unbuttoned his pants, and let them fall, to join his shirt on the floor.

His heart still hurt. His auto mail hurt. His everything hurt. Why did he still love him? There was no reason to. He didn't love him back. He already knew that. Except, he had always wished. Hoped that he had been wrong, or waiting to be proven.

He could still hear them downstairs as he stepped into the shower. He turned on the hot water and let it snake down his back and ease away some of the tension. His auto mail still ached, but now it was only a dull pain. He threw back his head and let the water soak his blond hair. He didn't know why it meant so much for him it just did. His whole body was overtaken by sleepiness suddenly. After he had washed his hair and body thoroughly, he stepped out and grabbed a towel.

He wrapped the towel around his waist and exited the bathroom, clothes in hand. He walked down the hallway and down back the stairs. He then walked to the kitchen to see Gracia and Maes sitting at the table drinking tea together. They looked up to Ed and smiled. He smiled back and walked to sit down with them.

He sat across the table and said thank you quietly when Gracia set a cup of tea in front of him.

"Well, I'll let you boys talk." Gracia said sweetly standing up. She gave Maes a kiss and headed up the stairs.

Maes and Edward sat a few moments in silence. Edward just stared down at his tea.

"What were you thinking?" Maes asked. Ed looked up to him with creased eyebrows.

"What?" he asked.

"What were you thinking? When everything happened? What was going through your mind? What did you think he was doing?" he clarified.

Ed sighed and swallowed the lump in his throat. After a few moments he set his tea aside. Maes waited quietly.

"It was a bet right?" Ed asked softly. Maes frowned and nodded his head.

"I told him to get off of me." Ed said. "When I found out why he was…why he was trying to kiss me." Ed added.

Maes nodded slowly allowing Edward to continue.

Ed fidgeted in his seat. Maes sat with his hands folded together on the table patiently.

"I didn't get it at first. The whole silent gestures and shit." Ed said creasing his eyebrows. "I only figured it out, when he kept looking over to the table." He said a little quieter.

Maes nodded his head and looked down to his hand. He was doing his best to understand the situation.

"Do you know what's it like Maes?" Ed asked peering at his cup of tea. Maes looked up to Ed questionably. He was keeping his expression emotionless.

"I love Roy." He said slowly. "I know you know that. I just meant, to have the person you love right there. You know, like just inches away" he sighed and smiled softly.

"And then, to realize you look like an idiot. Pathetic. Falling for things like that." He creased his eyebrows. He was still sitting in his towel. His wet clothes were in a pile on the table.

They sat I silence for a long time. Both reflecting on his words.

"You know, I do not excuse the behavior from Roy, but…" Maes sighed. "I don't think he meant to intentionally hurt you like that. None of us did."

Ed winced. Hearing his name was bad enough. He really didn't want to talk about it. But he knew he should. And he had thought about it. About how Roy didn't know he was in love with him.

"He doesn't love me back does he?" Ed asked. He almost didn't want to hear the answer. He could his heart beating in his ears and soon wished he hadn't had asked. He didn't want to know the answer.

Maes didn't answer him and every second that ticked by was like a blow in the stomach.

So that's how it is huh?

Ed stood up, scooting the chair out from under him. Maes followed. He grabbed the clothes from the side of Edward and told him he'd give him some clothes for tonight, while these dried. Ed nodded, refusing to meet his gaze as his stomach started to clench up again.

He walked up the stairs with Maes and watched as he disappeared into his bedroom. He himself let himself into the spare bedroom. He sat on the bed and waited until Maes gave him a big T-shirt and said his goodnight's. After he got dressed he slipped into bed and clutched his pillow. He cried himself to sleep knowing full well Maes could probably hear him. He didn't care. He didn't care about anything anymore.


The end to a painfully long chapter. I apologize for how terrible and sad these are, they will get amazingly better. Roy's chapter is next ;) Also I apologize if i have a few mistakes. Don't have a beta reader): . Anyway, this is the last chapter that's based solely on depressed thoughts. The rest will be better. So keep reviewing and thank you for reading.

With love, Bambi .