Chapter Three
November 24, 1873
Dearest Rhett,
I was very surprised, yet pleased to receive a letter from you today. I did not know whether to hope you would find it within yourself to write or not. As much as I longed to hear from you, I must admit I was also terrified. Your words have always held the ability to sting. Thank you immensely for not doing that, even though you would have been more than justified if you so chose. I would as well like to thank you for saying it is alright that I continue to correspond with you; although you are correct in assuming that I would continue to do so even without your blessing. As I said, I feel that I owe both you and I honesty.
I have within the weeks since I last wrote, been looking back on the darkest days of our lives together. I find myself wondering what I could have done to change them. Although it was too late by the time I realized the extent of my feelings towards you, I did know I felt something significant, some time ago. So, the conclusion I keep coming to, is that by remaining stubborn and silent I not only contributed to the polite indifference our marriage became, but I undoubtedly helped to add to your misery as well as my own. I look now at what both you and I being silent has cost us, and I see now that we were the worst kind of fools. How can two people so adept at business cause such destruction in our personal dealings?
Thinking back over past events, there are some things that occurred that I would like to clarify for you. At the time, in your anger you refused to let me explain properly, and I admittedly didn't try hard enough to. Rhett, what happened at the mills the evening of Ashley's birthday was not as it seemed. All that was witnessed, was Ashley embracing me out of friendship, nothing more. He had begun to speak of times before the war, and it upset me. It upset me to look back on the way things would never be. In fact, I think that is when everything began to change. I can recall, that while Ashley was trying to comfort me, I was realizing that what I felt for him was no longer what it once was. At that moment I no longer felt love for him; just close friendship. If I had told you at once that my feelings for Ashley were changing, perhaps things would be different now, perhaps not. The fact that I will never know what may have been will haunt me. My only justification in not telling you is that, although my love for Ashley Wilkes no longer held me, my feelings for you were not clear at that time either.
The events that transpired later that evening are things no lady should ever speak of, but I am done with the lady-like facade where you are concerned. It never worked at any rate; you were always able to see right through it, as if it were a veil.
The night we shared was beyond anything I ever imagined possible. You broke down a barrier within myself that I had not even recognized existed. I know this is improper to write, but write it I will. Rhett, there most certainly were only us two in our bed that night. I went to sleep that night the happiest I can ever recall being, only to wake the next morning to find that happiness shattered.
I waited for you to come home. I worried so much those two days you were away. I may not have fully recognized the fact that I was in love with you, but I did know that I felt something. When you did finally return, you destroyed any hopes I had. Why were you so cruel and hurtful? Did I truly deserve that? How was I supposed to respond to you after that? I didn't feel that I could open myself up to you in any way at that point. So I chose to show you anger instead. Damn you Rhett Butler! Why couldn't you for once just hold back the insults and the biting remarks? Why was it so necessary to hurt me?
After you departed for Charleston with Bonnie, I tried so very hard to remain angry with you. It was useless. Once the anger over our quarrel faded I missed you terribly. I missed talking with you; I always felt as if I could say anything to you. I missed the way you made me laugh, and I even missed your barbs. Without you, I felt surrounded by silence. Truth be told, I was lonely.
When Dr. Meade gave me the news that I was to have another baby, I was truly thrilled. I know you may not believe me, but I so wanted our child; your child. My hopes that you would return home reached new urgency. I considered contacting you in Charleston, but again my pride prevented me from doing so. I assumed you did not want me, so therefore I dared not show you that I wanted you. That is one of the worst choices I could have made. I know now that I should have sent for you, and let my pride go and hang.
The day you returned I was overjoyed that you and Bonnie had at last returned. I wanted to tell you of the baby right away, but after all that had happened I did not know how to. I could see that you were still angry and upset. How could I tell you about the new baby, and how happy I was about it while you were being so cold and distant? The way it came out is not at all the way I intended to tell you that you were to be a father again. I am sorry that I said I did not want the baby. All I wanted was for you to be happy about it as well, and you were not. I wanted you to show me that you cared, but instead you were so callous. So I lashed out. I wanted to hurt you in that instant as much as you had hurt me. That cost us our child. Oh, how I wish we could have just put the anger aside for a time. If we had, our baby would be here today. I wanted that child to be a new start for us, and I truly believe he or she would have been just that.
Lying in bed after the fall, I wanted you to come to me more than anything, but you never did. I wanted to call out for you; I think perhaps I may have. When you kept yourself absent, I gave up any hope of you and I starting over. I thought the only way we would continue on was to act as polite strangers to one another. You no longer wanted me, therefore I would not show that I wanted you. Rhett, it is very clear now that I was living in a hell of my own making.
Were you relieved that the baby was gone? Or did you want our child, and blame me for its loss? After the miscarriage you were so kind to me. But that kindness always held a certain distance to it. Just like you, I was terrified of you rejecting me.
If Bonnie had not died, we very well may have continued on as we were. Both wanting the other, and making ourselves miserable with that wanting. As long as there was her, we may have been content to go on in that manner. But our little girl left us much too soon, and I think our marriage died with her. I feel like the blame lies with me for that. Instead of grieving with you over the loss of our daughter; I blamed you. I was wrong.
I know you believe that I did not love her, but you are mistaken. I loved Bonnie more than you know. Yes, I was not a very good mother to her, or any of my children, but I have always loved them. Her death tore a whole in me that I fear will never be filled. I am truly and utterly ashamed of my words to you. Rhett, you did not kill our child. Her death was a tragic accident. I was hurting so terribly badly that I wanted to hurt you, in the hopes that it would alleviate my own crushing pain. The things I said to you were so heinous, that even if I were to apologize every day for the rest of my life, it would be nowhere near enough.
As the hold that the pain and grief had on me started to loosen, I wanted to tell you that I was wrong for all I said. I could never seem to find the right time or words. So, I kept putting it off until one day I saw that it was far too long past the time for apologies. I recognized too late that you were hurting deeply as well. My selfishness and self absorption caused us both more pain. At a time when we should have turned to each other for comfort and support, I made that impossible. We created our children together and we should have mourned the loss of them together as well.
Is that when the love you had for me finally wore out? Was my blaming you for Bonnie when it all finally fell to ruin? The only words I can ever offer for my actions are that I am truly sorry, but that just seems woefully inadequate.
I feel best to close here. As much as I know I must do it, looking at the bleakest parts of our marriage hurts very deeply. I know there were some good moments, but I think I need to fully examine the darkest chapters of it first before I can look at the good with any sense of happiness. I know that someday I will be able to see the happy times and appreciate them, but I do wonder if I will always look back with a sense of sadness at what I so carelessly an unknowingly threw way.
Love Always
Scarlett
As Scarlett sat reading the words she had just written, a multitude of feelings were fighting for superiority. As much as she would prefer to never feel anything again, she knew she must examine each one of those emotions at close hand if she was ever going to heal and find some measure of peace.
"How am I ever to know peace without Rhett?" She thought to herself
Although Rhett had left her, she could still feel him everywhere. When she would sit down to supper, she still half expected him to be sitting across from her. Each time she came home from the store particularly ruffled about something not to her liking, her first instinct remained to find him so that he could put the days events in their proper perspective.
The worst was at night, when it was time to retire. Regardless of the fact that she had banned him from her bed years ago, now she always had a sense of him when she lay down for sleep. She could almost feel his hands on her body, almost hear him talking to her in low tones.
Looking back now on their intimate moments was always mingled with joy and pain. Joy, because now that she knew she loved him she could relive those moments with the love she felt. Pain, because she knew those times would exist nowhere but in her memory. So night after night, Scarlett went to to her sleep imagining herself wrapped safely in her husbands embrace, only to wake each morning to find that it was nothing more than a dream.
Standing by the large window in Rhetts' study, she wondered, "Does he even miss me, just a little bit?"
A/N: I hope everyone enjoys this chapter, and thinks that it has remained consistent with the first two, as far as the writing is concerned. I found it a little difficult to stay on track with the language style. I had it in my head exactly what I wanted, so I was trying to write it as quickly as possible before I would lose anything. Not quite sure about where I ended it, but I thought it might work. There was a lot to this letter, so I didn't want to overdue it. I think there may only be one or two more letters before we have them coming face to face. So bear with me, I'm hoping that when we get there I can find a way to be as descriptive as it needs to be. As always any feedback or suggestions are more than welcome.
