DISCLAIMER: I neither own Glee nor the characters. They are the property of Ryan Murphy and FOX. This is purely for fun. Enjoy!
Chapter Three: Memories and Feelings
The next morning, Rachel got ready for class in record time, practically tripping over herself in her haste to seize the day. She had a feeling, deep in her gut, that she was going to see Finn again, and the adrenaline pumping through her body was more efficient than a shot of caffeine as she headed towards the subway. It was a crisp, clear morning, and she relived every moment she had shared with Finn the night before as her destination came into view.
Part of her still couldn't believe that last night had actually happened. It had been a risk, waiting out in the cold for him until he showed up out of thin air. But part of her just knew that he wouldn't let her freeze all night, and the fact that he'd proved her right made the entire scenario even more confusing to her. How was it that she knew these things about him? How did she know his name when they had never properly met before? And why was he so adamant in keeping secrets from her? What was he trying to hide?
Whatever he was hiding, Rachel was determined to figure out what it was, especially since it involved her in some weird way. She could still remember the odd hallucination from the day before, and how the people in her vision had looked identical to her and Finn. Was it nothing more than a simple daydream? What else could it have been?
She didn't have the opportunity to contemplate the subject further, because Finn was leaning against the building by her subway entrance, snapping her out of her reverie with the warm smile on his face. He was staring at her in a way that made her stomach flip over, and she stopped in front of him, wondering how to go ahead with their strange new friendship.
"Good morning," he said kindly, making her blush. "You're early today."
She shrugged her shoulders, trying to play it cool. "It's never too early to get started on your day." Deep down, she knew it was kind of weird that Finn knew her schedule so well, but she didn't seem to mind it all that much. In fact, it kind of warmed her heart that someone cared enough about her to notice. Her life had been lonely since she'd moved to New York and Rachel was happy to meet anyone that was willing to spend time with her.
Even if he was a bit on the elusive side.
"Come on, let's go," she said, nodding towards the subway entrance. They walked downstairs side-by-side as an amicable silence fell. The platform wasn't as crowded as she was used to, since it was still rather early, and Rachel liked the change of pace. She just wished her secretive companion would say something to her, anything to quench her growing curiosity.
The train pulled up and Finn still hadn't said a word to her; he just stood by her side with a serene expression on his face. She looked up at him and noticed the various birthmarks dotting his complexion, her eyes trailing over his cheeks and jaw. When he looked down and caught her staring at him her face turned crimson, and she ducked her head away quickly as the silence between them became a bit stifling. When they walked onto the train he was still silent, but they were able to find seats next to each other as their commute began.
"So," she said, trying to force some conversation. "What do you do, Finn?"
He looked confused for a moment, like her simple question had caught him off-guard. "What do I do?"
"Yeah, as like, a profession. A job. Or are you still in school?"
"Um, no. I'm not in school," he rubbed the back of his neck and looked away from her. "But I don't work either."
Her nose crinkled in disbelief. "What do you mean?"
"I have money, I've been saving it up for a long time," he shrugged. "So I don't have to work." He didn't elaborate further but the curiosity was starting to get the best of her, and she couldn't hold back the tide of questions that flooded her mind.
"So what do you do all day?" She asked incredulously. Sometimes it felt like her entire life revolved around school and her future career; she couldn't even imagine life without her personal goals and wondered what he did to pass the time.
His answer was a simple shrug. "Whatever I feel like. I travel a lot. I don't like staying in one place for too long." Well, at least traveling was a hobby, and an interesting one at that.
"Where have you been? Anywhere fun?" An actual smile pulled up Finn's lips before he answered her.
"Oh, I've been all over the place," he said fondly. "Europe is great, so is Africa. Lots of animals and wildlife."
"What's the best place you've ever been to?" She asked, happy to have something to talk about. "Your favorite place to travel in the whole wide world?"
He seemed to think about it for a while, his face pinched while he was deep in thought. After a few moments he nodded and seemed to make up his mind. "Ireland."
"Ooh! Ireland! How exciting!" She said with enthusiasm. "Why do you like it so much?"
"It was my home," he said simply, his eyes clouded over with nostalgia. "I was born there."
"Really? But you don't have an accent," she noted as he shook his head.
"I lost my accent a long time ago." She frowned at his withering tone and wanted to make him smile again.
"Well, what makes it so great? Tell me about it. I've never been there before." He stared at her with an unfathomable expression that she could not decipher, but answered her question as politely as possible.
"Everything there has a history. You can feel it in the wind, and the rocks, and the green rolling hills. A powerful history that spans generations and beliefs, with a language and culture unlike anything else I've ever experienced." He shook his head, lost in the memories. "I haven't been home in a long time, but I remember the feel of the grass under my feet and the taste of fresh beer in the summer. I remember the smiles of the children in the town square, and the Priests who greeted the congregation every Sunday on the way to church." He trailed off, his voice holding a lilt of melancholy that Rachel did not understand.
"It sounds like you miss it," she noted quietly. "How old were you when you left?"
"I can't remember."
"What do you mean?" She asked, her eyes trailing over his frame again. "You don't look a day over 20. How can you not remember? Were you very young?"
"No. I was probably about 16 or 17. But I can't be sure anymore." She shook her head, his words too cryptic for her to follow.
"Well, Ireland sounds marvelous," she said, changing the subject. "I wish I had the money to travel the world like you do. Was your dad rich or something?"
"My dad?" He repeated, his voice becoming even more desolate. "Well, I guess, I mean. . .," he trailed off, his tone weakening. "I don't remember."
"What do you mean?" She asked, shaking her head. "What about your mom? Your family?"
"It doesn't matter, Rachel. They've been gone a long time," he said, getting up from the seat and startling her with his abrupt movements. "Come on, we're at your stop." She looked around, feeling foolish when she realized that they had, in fact, arrived at her destination. She quickly gathered her things and exited the train before the doors closed on her, but Finn was completely shut off from her while they walked the short distance towards her school.
If only she knew more about him, but with every bit of information she was able to glean from him, the more confused she became. How could he not remember key aspects of his life? His childhood? His own family? He said he left Ireland in his teens, which couldn't have been more than a few years ago, but accents took decades to develop and diminish and he spoke with a neutral tone like everyone else. And the way he looked at her; like he was expecting her to know these things but was disappointed when she didn't. If only he would open up to her a bit more and stop being so secretive.
Her thoughts were focused solely on him when she suddenly stumbled on the sidewalk, tripping over herself and slamming her knee into the concrete. A cry of pain escaped her as pain reverberated in her leg, and Finn was immediately at her side trying to help her off of the ground. When she looked up to thank him, however, the scenery around them had changed into what she could only describe as another hallucination.
But this time she was a part of the fantasy, not just an observer. She looked up and saw Finn's smiling face before he pulled her up from the cobblestone path as horse-drawn carriages drove around them. The busy streets of New York had shifted into the roads of a quaint Irish town, and a heavily-accented Finn scolded her lightly as she lifted up her petticoats to walk easier.
"Watch your step, lass," he said warmly. "I might not be there to help you up next time."
She scoffed, smiling brightly as she took his hand. "Like a Hudson would ever ignore woman in need. Your Pa would sic dogs on you!" Well, whatever accent she spoke with was pretty thick. It sounded like it had roots in eastern Europe but her English was near perfect.
"And Ma would beat me on the head with her skillet when Pa was done with me." He squeezed the hand she was holding. "You know me too well."
"But everyone knows Finn, eldest son of Hudson clan. The most eligible man in all county Cork." He rolled his eyes liberally as their hands stayed entwined.
"You know I don't care about that shite," he cursed liberally while she clucked her tongue in disapproval. "I got the only girl I want right here."
"Well, I'm only here for another fortnight, Finn. You know family and I leave for the Americas soon."
"Yeah, I do," he said, stopping in his tracks and tugging on a silver chain he wore around his neck. Instead of a pendant, there was a Claddagh ring dangling from the end, and he undid the clasp and slid the ring off into his palm. "And I'm going to be there with ya, Rachel." He held her hand and slipped the ring onto her finger. "Nothing on God's green earth is going to keep us apart."
Finn was standing on the sidewalk looking worried as Rachel sat unmoving on the pavement, drawing attention to the fact that she wasn't making any effort to pick herself off of the ground. What was wrong with her? Was she very hurt? She wasn't answering him so he couldn't be sure if she was okay, and people were starting to bump into them in their haste to get to their destinations.
"Rachel," he urged, tugging her by her elbow. "We need to get off of the ground now." She still wasn't answering him, and her lack of eye contact was beginning to worry him. He knew he was crossing a delicate boundary, but he wrapped his arms around her and physically lifted her off of the ground and into the enclave of a nearby building. She was steady on her feet but when he looked at her face, her eyes were glazed over, as if she wasn't even there.
"Rachel," he called to her, not knowing what to do. This had never happened in all the years he'd known her. "Rachel, snap out of it!" He started to shake her lightly, and with a jolt her eyes went back into focus as she blinked rapidly and looked around her. When her eyes landed on him they went wide, and she looked more than a little frightened as her voice began to shake.
"It happened again," she said, and he could see tremors echo through her body.
"What happened, Rachel? What's going on?"
"I don't know," she said, holding onto him so tightly he was glad he couldn't feel pain. "I keep having these visions. I'm seeing things." Their eyes met and he could see the panic swirling in her gaze. "I'm seeing you, Finn. With me. But I can't tell if it's a dream or not. . ." She shook her head, her face pinched in confusion.
"What do you mean?" None of this was making sense to Finn as he watched her struggle with her own thoughts. In all the years he'd known her, this had never happened before.
"We were walking down a road, and I fell. You helped me up off the ground and we were talking. We both had accents and I was wearing a ridiculous dress. . ." She looked up in his eyes and it felt like his heart was in his throat. "You gave me a ring. An Irish ring."
He took a step back from her, too stunned to keep his features in check as his stomach rolled in tense circles. He could hear his heartbeat hammer in his ears as she looked to him for some kind of consolation, but for the first time he didn't know what to say to her.
"Finn?" Her voice was filled with confusion and a hint of panic. "What's happening to me?" The pain in her voice wounded him, and he wanted nothing more than to chase the fear away, but he didn't know how. The urge to comfort her was too strong to ignore as he reached for her hand once more.
"I don't know, Rachel, but everything is going to be okay, I promise."
"How can you promise that? How do I know these things?" Like he did the day he saved her from her attacker in the alleyway, he placed a soft kiss on her forehead, hoping that it had the power to ease her troubled mind.
"Whatever is happening, Rachel, you can't be afraid of it. It's happening for a reason." She nodded her head miserably before looking away from him. "Just, try and focus on school and we can talk more later."
"You'll be here? After class?" She sniffled, her voice still filled with doubt.
"Of course, Rachel. I'll be here tonight to take you home." He smiled for her benefit, even though he was just as confused as she was. "And we can talk more about what you saw."
"Okay," she said, holding her bag firmly and wiping the moisture from her eyes. "I have to get going."
"I'll see you later, Rachel." He said, not wanting to let her out of his sight for a second. His heart was still thundering in his ears and he wanted to know more about the visions she was experiencing, but he couldn't interfere with her schooling, which he knew was very important to her.
"Bye, Finn," he waited until she was out of sight before heading back onto the subway, taking the train towards his apartment with a single goal in mind. He took the stairs two-at-a-time before he reached his studio, and when he burst in through the door he immediately headed to his nightstand, where he dug around for the soft velvet box that had been in his possession for longer than he could even remember.
When he opened it up and stared at the intricate silver pattern his eyes immediately teared as memory after memory assaulted him without mercy. He could remember the first time he gave her the ring on that bright, sunny spring morning so long ago. Back when he'd been nothing more than a simple man with simple dreams.
But how could Rachel know about that moment as well? She never remembered anything about the past, and for the first time in his long and lonely life, a beacon of hope began to brighten inside of him.
She was remembering. She was actually starting to remember the time they spent together, so long ago.
Before his entire world fell apart.
He held the velvet box in his hands, staring down at the Irish symbol of love and devotion that he'd been keeping safe for years and years. Rachel had worn this ring every day, cherishing it above all the many possessions that her parents had showered her with. What would happen if he tried to give it to her again? Should he risk it? Would it help him in his task or harm their relationship in the long run? He couldn't be sure, but the simple fact that she'd remembered something gave him hope. Especially since she'd never remembered anything before now.
Finn was filled with so many unanswered questions it was starting to unnerve him. He held the velvet box in his left hand, and used the other one to land a hard punch into the wall closest to him, venting out his frustration and anger. Normally this action wouldn't have even registered to him, and he was expecting to feel the same kind of tingling numbness that he always experienced instead of pain. However, when the white-hot sensation of pure agony shot up his arm and centered on his knuckles and fingers, he almost dropped the velvet box out of his hand as he let out an anguished shout, cradling the injured hand softly.
"What the fuck was that?!" He roared to himself in the apartment as his nerves screamed in protest. God, he hadn't felt a searing pain like that in years, and it left him feeling breathless as he fell to his knees and rubbed the pain out of his arm. He moved the wrist around, flexing the wounded fingers, and he could actually see the tell-tale signs of swelling in his digits.
For Finn, pain had never felt so good.
"It hurts," he whispered to himself while the skin started to bruise. "It actually hurts. I can feel pain." He winced when he flexed a sore part of his hand. "Wow, that actually hurts a lot." He couldn't believe it, but pain was actually registering in his body, and for the first time in his very long life, he felt somewhat human again.
It had to be because of Rachel. This Rachel. Something was changing, something important, and he knew she was the cause of it. His entire life had been one endless limbo, simply existing until their paths crossed at certain points in time and he could be with her. Fate was a fickle friend of his, and while it always brought them together, it eventually ripped them apart again until the cycle could restart. However, he knew that the cycle was meant to be broken, and Finn had a gut instinct that this Rachel was going to be the one to end it and set him free from his eternal prison.
But he couldn't be sure. Finn was nothing more than a mere human, and the powers that had doomed him to this existence were more powerful than anything he had witnessed in his long, lonely life. In fact, he'd scoured the planet many times, trying to find the one person who could undo whatever had cursed him to this never-ending purgatory, only to come up disappointed at every turn. There was only one thing that could save him, Rachel, but not even he knew how it would happen.
If it ever did.
The pain in his hand was fading, only to be replaced with the same numbness that he was used to feeling as he shook the limb out and watched the swelling go down. The flash of pain he'd felt had been momentary, but it was enough to remind him how hollow he'd become over the years. The longer he lived, the less he was able to feel, and it wasn't just pain that he was becoming numb to. His emotions were starting to dissipate, even the precious ones like humor and happiness. Even if Rachel did want to be with him, he was afraid that he'd have nothing left to give to her on an emotional level. That he would become an empty shell of a man who could no longer feel the love they had once shared. It was a thought that kept him up at night, and the worst fate he could ever imagine for himself.
But as the years passed him by, it was slowly becoming a reality.
And he didn't know how to stop it.
He closed the lid on the velvet box holding the ring, knowing that it was too soon to show it to her. Right now his only priority was trying to figure out if she was, in fact, remembering the times they had spent together in the past and what it could mean for them. The entirety of his day was spent contemplating this topic, and in the late afternoon he dutifully left his apartment with ample time to spare before meeting Rachel by her school.
She was already by the gates when he approached, and her face lit up instantly once she spotted her. The worry and anxiety that had been etched onto her face that morning was now gone, replaced by a certain serenity that warmed his heart. Even with all the strange occurrences happening around her, she was still able to flash him a stunning smile, which put his frayed nerves at ease.
"Hey," she said sweetly, and her cheeks were rosy red from the cold he couldn't feel.
"Hey," he replied. "How was your day?"
"Good, good," she nodded. "And yours?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "Fine. Same as any other. Didn't really do much."
Rachel's eyebrow raised in disbelief. "You need to find yourself a hobby or something, Finn. It's not healthy to just sit around all day and do nothing. It's very important to keep your senses stimulated and your body active."
Finn brushed off her concern. "I'll keep that in mind."
"So," she was rubbing her hands together for warmth as her breath fogged in the air. "I'm kind of hungry. Can we go get something to eat?"
"Sure," he said, caught off guard a bit. Would this be considered a date? His old-fashioned manners were protesting the fact that she had asked him out first, but he had to remember how different customs were these days and just go with it. He wasn't about to let an opportunity to spend time with Rachel pass him by because his beliefs were still so archaic.
"We can talk about what happened this morning. I've been thinking about it a lot today." They started walking towards the local deli side-by-side, and Finn was elated just to spend some quality time with her again. It was amazing how much he'd missed her companionship.
"Really?"
"Yeah, but It's still so confusing," she looked up at him with doubt in her eyes. "And I also think it's kind of your fault."
"What?" He asked, completely stunned. If only she knew. . .
"Well, none of this started happening to me until we met the other night. Ever since then I just can't shake off the feeling that I'm forgetting something. Someone." They arrived at the deli, but she paused before stepping inside, placing a hand on his arm to stop him from entering. Her eyes were swimming with confusion as they met his once more. "And I can't help but think that someone is you."
His mouth suddenly went dry as he tried to swallow the lump of emotion in his throat. "Why do you say that?"
"Because there are things about you that I know. Things I shouldn't, like your name." She grinned as she recalled it from her memory. "Finn Hudson."
Well, that bit of information was like a punch to the gut. He'd never given anyone his real name before, using anonymity as a self-preservation tactic. Finn was as still as a statue while Rachel kindled the last bits of hope that lingered in his heart. She really was starting to remember the past, and for the first time in his long, exhausting life, he was beginning to believe that his nightmare would soon be over.
"What else do you know?" A bright blush erupted on her cheeks as she looked away from him.
"That you care about me," she admitted softly and he had to bite back a scoff at the massive understatement. "I mean, if you didn't then you wouldn't have saved me from that attacker the other day. And the way you look at me sometimes. . ." she trailed off before making eye contact with him again. "It's so intense. It's like you know me already, even though we just met."
"Well, what if I told you we had met before?" he asked, surprised at his own boldness as he broached the subject. "But you just can't remember it."
She frowned deeply. "I don't know how that's possible, but I would want to remember." She reached out for his hand and he rejoiced when skin touched skin. "Something is telling me that you know the truth, Finn. I want to trust you, I feel like I can trust you, but not if you're hiding things from me."
"Even if it scares you away?"
"It's better than spending the rest of my life not knowing why I feel this way. Why I feel so connected to you." She squeezed the hand he was holding, and all of a sudden he felt the sudden sensation of icy cold air prickling his skin and making goosebumps erupt on his flesh. He gasped aloud when the chilly temperature registered to him for the first time in ages, and took a deep breath of the fresh, cold air, allowing it to fill his lungs.
First he experienced pain, now he felt the cold; Finn was actually starting to feel somewhat normal now, and he owed it all to Rachel's influence.
"Finn?" She asked a few moments later, snapping him out of his reverie. The hope that blossomed in his heart made him feel confident and bold, and excitement bubbled inside of him as an actual smile pulled up his cheeks.
"Come on, let's get inside," he said, energized in a way that was somewhat foreign to him. He wasn't used to being so lighthearted, but he couldn't help feeling so carefree when the odds seemed to be somewhat in his favor. "It's cold out here, and we have a lot to talk about."
"Yeah, we do," she smiled brightly, and as he followed her into the deli, he could only hope that the truth didn't scare her away.
Living through it once was scary enough.
The puzzle pieces are about to come together! Can Rachel handle the truth about her past?
Until next time. . . Don't stop reviewin'!
