A/N: It's always nervous making to put our characters in a less than happy situation. Even if it is kind of fun. Thanks for the reviews. I really want to make you guys cry, just as a heads up. Since I seem to be physically incapable of such an action (okay, unless Temperance Brennan is already crying) I want to live vicariously through you. That's all I have in life.
This one is gonna be short. MulderAngst is not my forte. Toodles.
Even his nightmares were better than living without her. At least in his dreams, good or bad, he got to see her, hear her, feel her. She was right next to him, smiling, or arguing or whatever the dream happened to produce. He felt wonderful in those dreams. And then he would wake up.
It was always cold and stale when he opened his eyes. He could crank the thermostat to eighty degrees before falling asleep, and still wake up shivering. It was probably just a head thing, but he attributed it to the distance that separated them. If only she was closer, he wouldn't always feel like he was in Antarctica again. At least there he had the comfort of her arms around him as he slipped in and out of consciousness.
He remembered the few times he had woken up with her. They would fall asleep watching a movie or doing expense reports, and he would wake up hours later with a pleasant and familiar weight on his chest. Sometimes he would be completely still, just watching her sleep. Other times she woke up with him, smiling sleepily and reaching up to play with his morning hair. He would give anything to wake up with her again.
He needed her. Trudging through a day at work was bad enough, but doing it without her sarcastic remarks and incredible amounts of eye rolling was just too much. People had stared to gossip about them too.
"Mrs. Spooky FINALLY cracked."
"They say she's in a psych ward in New York."
"He could have killed her in a jealous rage and no one would ever know."
"He probably came on to her and scared her away."
He was tired of it. Too tired to say anything to any of them. Too tired to tell them that they were right. He had driven her away. If only he could take back what he had done, the things he had said, and the things he had left out. If only he could convince her that it was a stupid mistake. But his actions betrayed what he tried to prove. She would never trust him again, and frankly he didn't blame her. He barely trusted himself.
He never stayed late to work anymore. He left the office promptly at five, then went home to sit on the couch and stare at the ceiling. He would blink back tears as he thought about her, resisting the urge to use the phone number he'd pilfered from her mother when she wasn't looking. Even if he just got her answering machine, it would be enough to hear her voice. It could get him through the day just to know that she was still around and for a brief moment as he listened, he could pretend she was actually there.
The fear of pushing her further prevented him from calling. He knew Dana Scully better than anyone, and he knew that pressing her would have an adverse reaction. He would just have to wait until she was ready to talk. He realized that she may never be ready, but he also knew that if that's what it took to make her happy, he would accept it.
He still loved her, he always had. Nothing would change that in a million years. She was everything to him.
I hate feeling like this
I'm so tired of trying to fight this
I'm asleep and all I dream of
Is waking to you
Tell me that you will listen
Your touch is what I'm missing
And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losing you
Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you
I don't wanna live
I don't wanna breathe
'les I feel you next to me
you take the pain I feel
waking up to you never felt so real
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna dream
'cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real
I hate living without you
Dead wrong to ever doubt you
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh how I adore you
Oh how I thirst for you
Oh how I need you
Breathing life
Waking up My eyes
Open up
Don't leave me alone
