APOV

I could not believe where I was standing even though I had pinched myself many times since climbing out of the carriage. The atmosphere all around hit me as soon as we walked through the gates, the many attractions that I know I will never be allowed to partake in a marvel in themselves.

It all paled into significance once I had seen the smile upon Christian's face and now sat in our seats, I could not wait to see him again.

All week I had been promised that we would go that evening, only for my father to come up with some excuse that he had to work and was unable to attend. Under no circumstances were we to go without him so it took my mother putting her foot down and informing him that if he did not attend this evening we would be going without him, did he finally agree we could go.

Does it cost that much of his time to spend an evening with his family, or is it that he just does not want to spend time with me.

When the music started in the Big Top, that is what my mother had called it, cheers went up all around. A man, one I had seen when I was stood at the side of the road entered, dressed in red and gold. He stopped in the middle of the ring smiling at everyone before he held his arms out, turning around so everyone could see him. As he was doing this, the music and audience quietened.

"WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL, IT IS A PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU THIS EVENING IN OUR HOME."

"If this is their home, I would hate to see what the bathroom looked like," Katherine said, snidely before being told to be quiet by our mother.

She was the one who put up the most protest when the circus was mentioned at dinner the night of my doctor's appointment. Apparently, me being out in public is not just an embarrassment to my father but my sister as well. I ignore them both. As long as I have my mother, I have all the family I need.

Paying attention to the man again, I laughed when he introduced the clowns. There were four in total, although if one of them was that tall, he would be the tallest man I had ever seen.

"How is he that tall," I asked my mother, having to raise my voice over all the laughter.

"He will be on stilts. He will have wooden blocks attached to his shoes which make him taller."

I smiled, turning back to them, laughing myself when I saw the little dog running around the ring. As one clown was trying to put items into a bucket, the dog was taking them out again and then hiding them behind a bale of hay. The clown was becoming more flummoxed by the minute which brought more laughter from the crowd, myself included.

When the clowns left the ring, it was filled with dancers, an intermission mother told me before the next act. They moved beautifully, their movements fluid, something I do not think I could ever do myself.

As everyone was focused on them, I looked around the ring and to the top of the roof where I could see two people getting into position. The trapeze must be next, that alone brought butterflies to my stomach as they were so high up. To be able to be free to fly through the air must be a thrilling experience and yet again something I could never do.

My focus leaving the roof, I looked towards the curtains where the dancers had come from, seeing movement from the side.

I had to stifle a giggled as Christian's head was halfway out, looking for hopefully me. Once again I waved, hoping I did not get the attention of my family who were still watching the dancers.

Receiving a wave back and a smile, he soon emerged from behind the curtain, before I lost sight of him as he walked behind the rows of seats. They were more like wooden benches that went up in layers that we were sat on. I suppose they had a name too but one I did not know.

From my seat on the second row, I looked around before I felt him at my side. Being on the end as far away from my father and sister as I could knowingly sit, I found I could speak quietly to him without them knowing.

"How are you," he asked me.

"I am well, how are you."

"We have been busy. I did not know if you would come."

"It has been a struggle with my father to relent but I have learned this week that my mother can be just as stubborn as he is…. This place is magnificent."

"Thank you, I could not imagine calling any other place my home."

"You are very lucky," I told him quietly before our words were drowned out by the cheers and gasps that had gone up around the big top.

While we had been speaking, the trapeze artist had been swinging above us and although it is something I have always wanted to see, speaking to Christian was something I wanted to do more.

"Christian, you are on next," a man said, nodding his head in greeting to me.

"I will be there soon Luke," he told him before the man departed, leaving us as alone as we could be with hundreds of people.

"I had better go and do my work," he said, smiling at me.

"What will you do."

"It is time to let Growler out of his cage," he said, smiling when he heard my gasp.

His lion, the one I had heard that day on the road, he was bringing him out. Leaving me alone again, I waited, ignoring the trapeze up above as my eyes fixed on that curtain, waiting for Christian to emerge once again.

The ringmaster came out once the trapeze artists had taken their applause, the whole big top quietening down now waiting with bated breath for him to speak and announce what was next.

"ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING THE SHOW?" he asked, calling out so that everyone could hear him.

"YES" was the one word that went around the audience, my yes and my mothers included.

"I AM VERY HAPPY ABOUT THAT. NOW IF YOU HAVE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE OUR SHOW ON PREVIOUS EVENINGS OR HAD BEEN OUT IN THE TOWN WHEN WE FIRST ARRIVED, YOU WOULD HAVE MET OUR ELEPHANT. HAVE YOU" he asked.

"Yes, they wet me" a small boy called out as the ringmaster approached him.

"Was it fun?" he asked him.

"Yes, lots of fun" the boy laughed.

"I am glad. NOW LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHILDREN TOO, YOU ARE ABOUT TO MEET ANOTHER MEMBER OF OUR CIRCUS FAMILY WHO CAME TO US THE DAY OUR ELEPHANT DID. ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU STAY IN YOUR SEATS, I PROMISE THAT YOU ARE COMPLETELY SAFE. IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE TO YOU, MY SON CHRISTIAN AND OUR LION, GROWLER."

You could hear the gasps that echoed around the tent, feel the fear also especially when the curtain opened and this giant beast emerged. There was no tether on this lion, he just plodded forward, looking this way and that before lying down in the middle of the ring.

My eyes were on Christian who had followed Growler into the ring, standing still before him. One movement of his hand was all it took before Growler stood, climbing onto a platform built between two barrels. He walked over the platform, jumping through the hoop on the other side. As growler walked around the side of the ring, taking a run at another hoop, he was quickly through that too.

"How is he doing that," Katherine asked and if I was not mistaken, I was sure it was awe in her voice.

"He must beat the animal, it must be fear that is making the beast follow his every command," my father told her, making me angry that he should say such a thing.

"Not everything has to be put down or beaten for them to follow a friendly command," I told him, turning away from his stern look and focused on Christian's act once again.

"NOW I URGE YOU NEVER TO TRY THIS AT HOME. THAT IS IF YOU HAVE A LION OF YOUR OWN" The ringmaster who I now knew as Christian's father said, earning laughter from the crowd.

Another hoop was brought into the ring, this one set on fire. Everyone was focused on that but what they should have been focusing on was the way Christian was with the lion. They were stood side by side, Christian resting his hand on Growlers head. At his command the lion ran forward, jumping through the fire to land on the other side.

The cheers were thunderous as the fire was put out, and there were no gasps any more when Christian brought his head down to Growlers, receiving a lick to his face before being offered a paw.

No fear made that bond between them, it was kindness, patience and love. As they left the ring together, both turning around near the curtain, Christian waved once more before they were soon out of sight.

"That was amazing, a true bond between man and beast," an old man said, sitting on the row before us, speaking to his wife before turning to my father when he agreed. What a hypocrite my father is.

The dancers were out again on the outside of the ring as we all waited in anticipation for what was to come next. I hoped Christian would be able to come back out again if only so I could congratulate him on a wonderful show.

It was horses that were to emerge from behind the curtain next which had me rigid in my seat.

"Seriously, we have just seen a lion in the ring and you are still terrified of a horse" Katherine laughed at me and I think her words amused my father too.

They were right, I would take my chances with a lion any day than feel the pain of being trampled again.

"Mother, I am just going to see if they have a bathroom I can use."

"Alright, sweetheart. Do you want me to come with you" she said and I knew by the tone of her voice she was not happy with my sister or father at the moment.

"No, I will be fine. You enjoy the show, I will not be long."

I made my way along the benches, past my snickering sister and ignored my father's command to sit back down as I looked for an opening in the tent side.

I know I had to get over this fear of horses, it was silly and If I am truthful with myself, I do not think it is even a fear of them really, more that it reminds me of that day. I think seeing a horse brings back the betrayal I felt at my father's words and actions that continue on even to this day. One day, I will face a horse and get past these feelings because no matter what I do, nothing will ever change how my father feels about me. Today is not that day though as I felt a sickness build up inside as I continued looking for the exit. I just needed to get some air for a few moments before I went back inside, wanting more than ever to see the rest of the show.

I found myself in a place I do not think I should be. This was their area, their home and although some saw me, I was offered smiles and never told to go away.

It was so quiet here, a world away from the noise I know would be in the big top. A few moments more, I told myself, knowing this was the first time I had ever been able to be on my own when I was not at home. For just this moment, I could imagine I was free.

The train was before me, carriage doors open and steps down from each one. I took a seat on one of these steps, still waiting for someone to move me on, but yet again although three women passed me all in dresses that sparkled, I was still left alone.

"Are you alright miss?" a woman asked, the first person to speak to me.

She had a gentle voice and with the way she looked at me, she reminded me of my mother.

"I am fine," I told her. "I apologise for the intrusion. I needed a breath of fresh air and found myself on this side instead of the way we came in."

"No apologies needed, it can happen. You are Ana."

"How do you know," I asked her.

"My husband Jason was there when your carriage broke down. He is the strongman in this show. There is also Christian, he has had quite a bit of teasing from some of the others because he spoke of Ana, who held a cane."

At her words, I felt a sadness that he was being teased for knowing someone like me.

"I should go," I told her, reaching for my cane which I had leant against the step. With my hands now shaking, I sent it falling to the fall.

"You misunderstand me, I can see the worry on your face. The teasing has nothing to do with your cane or your foot but that he had finally come out of the menagerie long enough to speak to a girl. We are all different here, we are all individual. Living with these people, I know more than ever that it doesn't matter what you look like or where you come from or even the colour of your skin. Everyone is welcome, everyone is included."

I nodded, smiling at her words, especially when she told me to stay as long as I liked.

I was left alone once again, deciding to head back into the circus not long after. I do not know how much time had passed, I could still hear the cheers from inside though.

Bending down to pick my cane up, I noticed some small flowers in the long grass. I do not know how I had not seen them before because they were all around, daisies. This part of the rail track was just off the main line and had been opened only for the circus this past week I hear. It leads from what I can see to an old engine shed so I do not think it will be open again once they leave unless it was needed. That thought alone saddened me as I know this was the last night it would be here. The last night for Christian too, as where he would be tomorrow, I did not know.

Making my way slowly back towards the opening of the big top, it was a noise that I had heard that first day that made my steps falter. Hearing it once more, I looked around before stepping inside one of the larger tents.

This was where the animals were kept but more importantly, this was where Christian must spend his day. Seeing what was in front of me, I brought my hand up to my mouth and struggled not to cry.

I remember reading a story when I was little, about an elephant who just wanted a friend. My mother would read that every night to me until I was old enough to read it myself. It is still on my bookshelf now, even though I know it is a book for a young child.

Standing before the elephant now, I felt all the excitement I had felt when my mother would read to me. Did this elephant have a mouse as a friend also, or was that mouse much bigger, was it Christian.

As I slowly stepped closer to it, its trunk came out to me. I could not stop although I did not want to, my hand reaching out to touch it. She, he, they were beautiful, so much more beautiful than I could have imagined from the pictures I had seen.

"Her name is Daisy" I heard behind me, turning to see Christian and Growler stood there.

"Daisy, like this" I whispered, holding my hand open so he could see the flower that I had picked up when I had reached for my cane.

"Yes, I believe it would have been best suited for a cow, but as she came with the name, we could not, nor did we want to change it.

"I think Daisy is perfect for her," I said, laughing when her trunk landed softly on my shoulder.

"She likes you," he told me, coming closer, the lion as before by his side.

"As I like her," I told him before a gasp left my lips when the lion grabbed onto his arm.

"He has no teeth remember and I feel no pressure on my arm," Christian said, running his hand through the lion's mane before he let Growler guide him to his pen.

Leaving him inside, he threw in some meat before coming over to me.

"I cannot even begin to imagine how you can become so close to a lion like that."

"Growler came to us as a cub with his mother and Daisy from another circus. These two were the only ones which survived the harsh treatments they felt there. They respond to kindness, especially Daisy" he said, rubbing his hand over what once must have been cuts in her skin. "Time can be an incredible healer, that is what they both needed and that is what they received. Growler's mother only lasted a few weeks here with us so in a way he was raised by us, by my parents."

"You were his playmate then."

"Yes, and I still am. There is an incredible amount of trust between us and although he is always cautious when meeting new people, there can be trust there too."

"You must live such a rich life," I told him.

"Rich as in monetary," he asked me, a puzzled look on his face as if to say with the giant droppings, the straw, there was nothing rich here.

"Rich as in full of life, as in having the freedom to live your life the way you wish to. Money is not everything, the friendship you have with these animals, the love, that is worth so much more."

"You are right, I could not imagine myself doing anything else."

As we continued to speak, I forgot about the performances I had come here to see. If I was honest with myself, it was the boy before me who had me wanting to come. Everything else around us is a bonus.

"You leave tomorrow, where do you go from here."

"I believe Portland is our next big town but we have a few other stops on the way there. We will travel until winter comes and then we will go back home."

"I am glad you came, if only for a short while. You all being here have certainly brightened my week, my year."

"I am glad Ana, or is it, Anastasia."

"Oh, Ana, please. Only my father ever calls me Anastasia and never in a nice way."

"Your foot, if I may ask," he said, gesturing for me to take a seat on one of the many bales of hay.

"It was a horse, I fell as a child and because I screamed, I scared the horse and was trodden on. When the horses came out today, it made me nervous which brought laughter from my sister that your lion did not scare me but those horses did."

"I am sorry about your accident. Our horses, just like Growler and Daisy, there is nothing to fear from them. Pepper may try and munch on your pocket for something to eat but they are all well trained and are used to lots of noises so nothing will spook them."

"Even snoring lions," I said, giggling as we heard the now fast asleep lion's snores.

"Even him. Would you like to give Daisy a treat?" he asked.

"I would love to," I told him, getting up from my seat and took the hand full of peanuts he offered me.

"Just lay your hand flat, she will do the rest," he told me, taking hold of my hand to show me what to do.

In my other hand, I held my cane. The daisy too which was probably squashed.

I laughed, feeling Daisy take the peanuts from me, laughing louder still when her trunk came back for more. Like every bit of happiness I had had in my life it had to be ruined by my father.

"Where have you been" he called out, coming into the tent. "I did not raise you to go off with a boy."

"Do not speak to her like that" Christian told him.

"She is my daughter, I will speak to her how I like."

He grabbed my hand, pulling my cane from my other so I had no choice but grip hold of his coat as he pulled me towards the exit. The noise we were making had woken Growler who had let out an almighty roar.

"Please father, please stop, I cannot keep up," I told him, as he pulled me through the now emptying big top and out of the other side.

"Let her go" Christian shouted, running after us, which caused a crowd of circus workers to assemble as they must have thought one of their own was in trouble.

"Do not speak to me like that boy" he said turning on him as we reached my mother and sister who had been waiting by the carriage.

"Where have you been," Katherine asked me angrily while my mother held onto me, my cane still in my father's hand.

He waved it about at Christian who stood his ground in front of him. I was worried that my father would hit him with it but when his father appeared in front of my own, his angry tirade ended.

"What is the problem," the ringmaster asked.

"This boy, corrupting my girl."

"I got lost needing to get some fresh air. I found myself in that tent when I was finding my way back into the big top" I called out to him.

"I do not want to hear one more word from you, Anastasia."

"No, you never do."

"This young girl speaks the truth," the woman I had spoken to by the train said, coming to the front of the group. "She had wandered into the back yard, needing some air as it was warm inside the top. She was taking a seat on the train steps when I found her."

"Be that as it may, that does not explain why he did not help her find her family and steer her out of that dangerous area."

"That area was not dangerous" Christian protested. "And we were speaking about the circus, about the show."

"You have a lion in that area, of course, it was dangerous you stupid boy."

I heard gasps at his words and could see the anger fill the ringmasters face too.

"Do not call my son stupid. Anyone who causes a disturbance before finding out the true facts is the stupid one. Now you can look down on me all you want, you did it enough when we helped you on your way days ago but I will not put up with you doing that to my son."

My father was flummoxed that he could not insult or bully his way out of this situation without earning a bloody nose. Turning on his heal instead he pulled me from my mothers grasp and practically pushed me through the carriage door, ignoring my mothers shouts for him to let me go this time. As far as he was concerned, it was my actions, not his own that had embarrassed him and the quicker I was out of sight, the better.

"You stay away from my daughter otherwise a policeman will be called. I do not want her associating with people like you" we all heard him say.

Mother pushed passed him, climbing into the carriage, quickly pulling me into her side. She was so angry with my father but I do not think it could ever match, how much anger I felt myself.

Once we were all inside and the horses pulled away, I looked through the window behind. I could see Christian start to come after us before I could see his father pulling him back. I did not even have the chance to say goodbye or thank him for those few moments I would cherish for a long time.

In those few moments, I felt no disability, I felt nothing holding me back. I realised how freedom could feel, how at complete ease I felt speaking with him.

I know Christian leaves tomorrow and there is a chance now he will never return. Although my heart is breaking at the moment for what had happened, for what my father ruined, there was also a tiny spot of happiness inside me because for a moment there I maybe had a friend and I would never forget him.

Thank you for reading. I'm a wuss, I need a tissue now.

Christian leaves next chapter and as I am not one to drag it out, he will be back with Ana by chapter five.

As a reader you might have to ignore the history of some of the locations they will visit during this story as while researching places, some, in reality, did not have a railway at that time and some may not have existed at all in 1853.

Until next time, take care.

Caroline.