Chapter Three
Restlessly I turned onto my side to look at the clock. The numbers glared at me bright red, 2:35am. God, would this night never end? Two nights ago I had told Louisa that I couldn't go on living like this, hoping she would tell me to move back home, but what did she say? "I understand. Maybe Dr. Timoney was right, maybe we aren't accepting things" All I could think was ... No,no I don't want Dr. Timoney to be right ... but instead, I told her that it was time for us to work out exactly what we were going to do, with James and everything. And she agreed, said okay, then she said goodnight, turned around and went into the house. As I watched her go, it was all I could do to restrain myself from running after her, to going back into the house and begging her to take me back. We had both been so encouraged and hopeful when Dr. Timoney asked us to meet with her that night, saying she had an excellent idea for us. I had thought Louisa might be ready to have me back, but no she just closed the door.
I just want this miserable situation to be over.
I went home, prepared dinner and did the washing up. I was trying to read my BMJ, but couldn't concentrate. I looked around the hovel I currently called home; as i told Louisa, I really could no longer go on living like this. I needed to be back in my home with my family. More than once I had indicated to her that I wasn't happy with our current living arrangement and her response has always been a sad look and a shrug of her shoulders. That was until this last time when she said Dr. Timoney might be right – again with a sad expression and what I perceived to be a look of defeat. As I thought about our current impasse, I resolved to push Louisa to set a time when we could make some decisions as to how we could live together ... assuming that she is amenable to our cohabiting again.
I was surprised when she brought the subject up last night, asking me to come to dinner so we could discuss our relationship and where we were headed. She didn't say it out loud, but I expect we will decide whether we will make-up and resume our lives together or break-up for good. Either way, there were practicalities that we would need to discuss.
What would we do if we couldn't reconcile. Perhaps we could find another therapist and continue the process that we had started. I don't want that, but it's one of the many thoughts that keeps churning through my mind as I lie here not sleeping. If I don't get any rest tonight, there's no telling how irritable I will be tomorrow and I need to be clear headed when we meet for dinner. With that thought, I roll onto my back and try to relax every muscle in my body, breathing deeply and clearing my mind. "Concentrate on your breathing. In and out, in and out". It's not working. My mind returns again and again to the image of my wife, sad and unhappy.
We were right when we called off our marriage the first time. It was clear I was never going to make her happy, and I haven't. But there have been times lately when she looked happy. Her brilliant smile when I came to take her to dinner two weeks ago gave me hope that we might reconcile that very night ... but no ... that tosser Danny interrupted us and our chance to restore harmony to our marriage that night was over. Last night, she seemed quite cheerful when she asked me to dinner, promising there would be healthy food on order; perhaps she is as hopeful as I that our discussion will end well. I was heartened that she had not been able to compile that list of advantages to being single that Dr. Timoney had assigned. That must mean she wants to stay together. It gives me hope.
I turn again to the clock, 3:10. I'm getting nowhere trying to relax, might as well just get up and try to organize my thoughts. Perhaps I should make an agenda for our dinner. If I write it all down, perhaps then I can get some sleep, not that there's much of the night left.
I put on my dressing gown and climb down the ladder to the main living area, thinking again to myself how hazardous it would have been for Louisa and James to live here. I turn on the light and ponder the clock sitting on the windowsill, the one Ruth found in Auntie Joan's barn and which I had managed to get working just before Louisa had her accident. I can't believe that my mother thought she had the right to take it with her when she left Portwenn the last time. I was willing to let it go, but Aunt Ruth was livid when she heard about it. Joan had left the farm and its contents to her; how dare my mother think she was entitled to take the clock? She immediately contacted her London solicitor to work with his Lisbon connections to track my mother down and have the clock returned. I still grieve at the loss of a mother that I never had, but I now understand that it was never my fault.
I pull out a sheet of paper and start a list, not the list Dr. Timoney wanted us to make up, but a list of topics we should discuss at dinner tonight, an agenda if you will.
1. Accommodation – this is the most important item. If we stay together, do we continue to live at the surgery or do we find another home in the village? Given the difficulty we recently had in finding a second cottage in the village, it likely will be difficult to find a new home straight-away, but it may be something we wish to consider in the future. If we don't stay together, then Louisa will have to find a new home. I can't stay in this hovel and it is awkward for her to be living in the surgery when I am working there, but not also living there. I'm sure Louisa will have strong opinions on the matter.
2. Childcare – the current nanny seems to be adequate, but we need to find a backup provider if she decides to leave the village. James needs consistency in his life. I am surprised that Louisa is not more concerned about this. I wonder if Michael will be discharged from the army anytime soon. It would be ideal to have him back.
3. Housework – If we stay together, we need to come to an agreement about the state of the house. I can tolerate a certain amount of chaos; in fact I welcome it just to have Louisa and James back in my home. But ... there is a limit. What level of order can we both tolerate? There is the basic issue of kitchen sanitization, storage for James' toys, Louisa's habit of leaving her clothing lying about, and order in the lavatory, all manner of things upon which we need to agree. Perhaps this is a topic where I should tread lightly. If things are going well, I don't want to muck it up on this point.
4. Meals – I remember Louisa making a comment about eating too much fish. I am certainly open to eating other things, as she is well aware. I would be happy to limit our fish intake to two or three meals a week. And, as a compromise, I will tolerate her eating the occasional chocolate biscuit as long as she doesn't give any to James.
I get up and walk over to the sink to fill a glass with water and lean against the counter. Why is marriage, why is life so difficult? Wasn't that what Louisa asked after James' birthday party ended in disaster? Sometimes I think the villagers have it in for us. Ah... best not to dwell on them ... back to my list.
5. Holidays – Before her accident and surgery, Louisa said she wanted us to get away for a few days, just the three of us. I feel an obligation to my patients, but perhaps I can work something out with Chris Parsons to arrange for a locum so we can take a long weekend or even a week away from the village to spend a holiday together upon occasion. I hate to think of the damage a locum could wreak on my patients, but if it is not for too long a period, perhaps it would work out, and it might make Louisa happy and that is my long term goal.
6. Children – should I add this to my list? I think Louisa would like to have another child, although she is reaching an age where that might be problematical. I have to admit I was surprised at how quickly I formed a bond with James. It's not just a responsibility of care, but true affection that I feel for our son. I should let Louisa know that I am open to the possibility of another child in our life... and that brings us back to item number 2, childcare. It would be imperative to find more reliable childcare if we were to have another child. And we might also need to find larger accommodation ... back to item number 1.
Have I covered everything? "Everything." That's a loaded word. I'm sure that Louisa will have other items she will want to add to the list. I look over to the clock; how can it be six o"clock already? How can the night be over? That's one of the problems with this cottage, no light. I hadn't even noticed dawn creeping up on the village over an hour ago. No sleep whatsoever, not an auspicious start to the day.
I'll rewrite this list and hand it to her this morning. I need to make sure she understands that it's not comprehensive, that she can change it however she likes. At least this nightmare will be over one way or another by the end of the day. Maybe I should bring her flowers; that might help my cause. Yes, I'll do that.
