A/N: I wanted to have this chapter up sooner, but life interferes and this fic tends to write and re-write itself.Anyway, thanks so much for reading and reviewing and I hope you like! And thanks to MaraMac for beta-ing. ^^
Disclaimer: Still don't own Glee. If I did, there wouldn't be a reason for this fic to exist in the first place.
"I swear, Finn, if this explodes in my face, I'm going to burn all the clothes in your wardrobe," Kurt says seriously.
Finn grins briefly. "Yeah, well it's not that big of a deal 'cause I don't spend two hundred bucks for a clip on raccoon tail and shit. They're just clothes."
His step-brother's eyes bug out. "Just clothes? Finn, don't be ridiculous! Every moment of your life is begging you to make a statement about yourself and fashion is the perfect vessel in which to do that. Anyway," he goes on. "I'll snap your drumsticks in half, then."
Finn frowns. Kurt couldn't even snap his part of the wish bone at Thanksgiving, why does he think he can snap a wooden drumstick in half? But he shakes his head and humors the smaller boy. "Just open it, Kurt."
Kurt carefully tears the paper off the poorly-wrapped box, sliding his fingers under the tape. It reminds Finn a lot of how Rachel always opens presents like that; she always preserves the wrapping paper, like, out of respect or whatever. He winces at the stray thought of her and just shakes his head when Kurt asks him what's wrong.
But Kurt's not an idiot; he knows what's wrong. Rachel had filled him in teary-eyed after he'd mistakenly asked how she and Finn were coping with the mess that happened around Sectionals. He doesn't press the issue any further yet. Instead, he opens the box, smiling at the gift inside.
"I have a feeling you asked Mercedes what to get me." Kurt arches a perfectly-trimmed eyebrow at him.
Finn shrugs. "It was either that or something I took out of the refrigerator early this morning."
His step brother scoffs and sets the box down. "That makes me feel extremely welcome." He fixes Finn with a dry look and the quarterback's face falls.
"No, Kurt. I really am glad you were able to get home for Christmas. It woulda sucked if you were stuck at school 'cause of crappy roads." He slings an arm around Kurt and his step-brother looks at him pointedly.
"Finn if you're going to hug me, you may as well do it the correct way," he says, bringing both his arms around the taller boy's back.
Finn laughs a little and engulfs Kurt in a hug. "Merry Christmas, dude," he says.
Kurt pulls away, smiling, and makes sure his hair is still perfectly coiffed. "Merry Christmas to you too, Finn."
He looks under the tree and notices another wrapped gift. He leans down to pick it up. "Kurt, don't," Finn warns him.
But he does. Finn's step brother looks at him sadly. "You're still in love with her." It's not a question.
Finn stares at him blankly for a second. "Of course, I am!" he says angrily. "Just because she stole my heart and then smashed it to pieces doesn't mean I suddenly forgot about her!" He kicks at the couch and Kurt frowns at him. His voice is quiet now. "It doesn't mean I don't miss her all the time." It's weird, he thinks. To be talking about how he feels, instead of just feeling it. Maybe it's a good thing. They're always saying talking helps. He doesn't know if that's true, but Kurt's his brother now and it's a start.
"Finn…"
But Finn goes on, not even listening to Kurt. "And every time I try to do…anything, it's like she's just there." Man, he's really messed up, isn't he? He's still mad at her. But it's not the burning-in-his-chest-I-hate-you-how-am-I-ever-gonna-forgive-you? anger anymore. It's the I wish I didn't still love you but there's no way around it kind of anger. The painful kind. The kind that's harder to stomach because he can get over it. And it terrifies him.
"Where is she?" Kurt asks him.
Finn looks at him, taken aback. "I don't know." How's he supposed to know? What do Jews do on Christmas? What does Rachel do on any day she's not with him? He's never had to think about it much, at least not for a while. Because she was never without him in some way, and even if she was, all he had to do was send her a text. And then he gave up caring (lies, that voice tells him. Go away, he demands. It never listens.) so he never asked.
And he gets this little flutter in his chest 'cause maybe he does want to know. He's not used to her not following him around. Maybe it was subconscious, but at least when she was on him all the time, he…he knew. He knew she was safe, even if it never registered 'cause all he was getting was that her eyes were so brown and so deep and if he didn't look away, she might kill him. Maybe it's different now.
She's not here. It's finally really hit him. Is this what the beginning of forgiveness feels like? He doesn't know. He thinks maybe it is. "Thank you," he says quietly. Kurt gives him a look that says what the hell are you talking about? "For not taking sides or anything.
Kurt rolls his eyes, but he's smiling. "Please," he says seriously. "I'd rather wear clothes from Target than get in between your lover's quarrel." He shakes his head slightly.
Finn knows he's probably not kidding, but he appreciates it all the same. He thinks maybe he'll see Rachel sometime this week 'cause there are only so many places in Lima and he's bound to run into her at some point. And maybe if/when he does, he won't feel like crying.
He sets her box back down under the tree. He doesn't know how long it'll stay there. But it's not in the trash or buried under his bed. So that's progress enough for him.
It's cold out, but that doesn't bother her. Apart from that, it's actually a rather nice day. She brushes snow from a park bench with a gloved hand and primly sits down. Glancing around the park, she smiles at the families playing in the snow, children tugging their sleds over to their parents. She sighs because this is the kind of life she wants with Finn, but she doesn't think it's going to happen anymore. She'd been giving him his space, but it doesn't make anything hurt any less. In fact, he seems to accept the space gladly because he hasn't approached her or anything.
She thought she'd done right at Mr. Schue's Christmas party when she just turned away, but now she doesn't know. She shrugs a little to herself, knowing the only thing left for her to do is wait, even if it would make her heart ache every day. It's a strange feeling. She hasn't felt truly alone since she met Finn, since he'd become a part of her life even when he wasn't really hers. Even when all he did was hurt her and hurt her and try to push her away, he was still there. She was still in his head and he was still around, even if it was only to sneak a longing or apologetic glance at her.
At least then she hadn't felt so helpless. She's placed the blame on herself; she gets that. She knows she can be egotistical and bossy, but she can admit when she knows she's wrong. So it's not as if she's waiting for him to come and apologize to her; she doesn't deserve it anyway. Not anymore. The thing about being Rachel Berry is that there's no way to ever not be Rachel Berry. And Finn's the only one who ever really understood that, understood her. But then he was there, stuttering blindly and protecting himself and not understanding why she was so upset about Santana.
She thought there was only one way to make him understand, but she overcompensated and miscalculated and made a mess out of everything. A part of her thinks maybe, maybe she should have given him more credit. Maybe the Santana part wasn't as big a deal to him as it was to her. But really, how was she supposed to know that? It's not like he ever said anything about how he felt about it, about Santana. He admitted he lied about it and shouldn't have. She doesn't think that would have been enough for her to immediately forgive him. That is, if she hadn't messed up even worse than he had.
She thought it would be so simple. He'd apologized, so she would apologize. He loved her, so he'd forgive her like she'd forgiven him. But that's what happens when you think with your heart, with your foolishly insecure heart and not your head, she thinks now. You realize nothing's as simple as it ought to be. Love is wonderful, love is absolutely breath-taking.
Love is power.
Power to help, to heal. To create.
Power to hurt, to break. To destroy.
She realizes this now. Maybe he mostly didn't do what he did (or didn't do) to hurt her. And maybe a part of her reasoning for what she did was to spite him. Neither of them were right, she thinks. They both fell victim to their insecurities and in the end, they hurt each other. He was the catalyst, it's true. But maybe if she hadn't stormed off, maybe if she hadn't acted like there was no way for him to make it up to her, maybe he wouldn't have stopped trying to make it up to her. Maybe she wouldn't have been so blinded by the fact he'd slept with Santana and if he'd looked a little deeper into why she was so upset, maybe they would have been strong enough to get through it without her needing to prove anything. It all comes down to maybes.
It's too late now.
She doesn't blame him. Well, she does. But only for what he can actually be blamed for. He'd driven her to desperation, but ultimately, it had been up to her how she handled it. And she'd handled it wrong. And now he doesn't trust her. So she's giving him the space he needs or wants because it's up to her to give him everything he deserves. And he deserves everything good she has left to give him. And maybe, just maybe, he'll realize it's good and he won't turn his eyes away from her the next time she sees him.
Maybe she should just stop thinking in circles. She sighs and glances up at the sky and wonders if he'll ever get it. She likes to think she could wait forever. After all, she is Rachel Berry and if she isn't determined, then she isn't anything.
It isn't the same when you shatter the boy you love, regardless of your intentions. And worst of all? After the few minutes she'd been with Puck, she hadn't felt any better. So not only did she hurt Finn, she hurt him for nothing. Because she still feels awful and he still isn't here. So what's the point?
"Merry Christmas."
She looks up, startled. "I don't celebrate Christmas." She frowns up at him. "Neither do you."
He shrugs and stuffs his hands in his pockets, taking a seat next to her on the bench. "That's not very gracious and all that shit you're always preaching, Berry." He grins.
"You're right," she sighs. "I'm sorry, Noah. How are you doing?"
He rests a hand on her shoulder briefly. "From the looks of it, better than you. Are you sure you're all right?"
She looks at him sadly. "I've been better," she says softly. "I'm sorry," she says again.
Puck leans back against the bench, scrubbing a hand over his head. Figures she'd wanna get all deep and personal and shit. Maybe he's not the brightest kid around, but he can read between the lines. Then again, as much as he hates all this talk about your feelings garbage, it might be what they need because it's what she needs. And if he's trying to be a friend to her, he may as well go all-out. And maybe she'll even figure this shit out. He can grudgingly admit that she and Finn are kinda made for each other and all that other fairytale shit.
He figures that just 'cause they've hit a rough patch doesn't mean it's gotta stay that way. And truth be told, he'd rather not see her moping around like this; it's depresses even him. "It's okay," he tells her. "You wouldn't have slept with me anyway."
Rachel looks at him, affronted. Who is he to be questioning her daring? "I w-would…" she trails off because the words are bitter on her tongue and she knows they're lies.
He laughs a little. "Save it, Rachel. We both know you've never even gotten to third with Fi—anyone. You wouldn't have."
"I wouldn't have," she finally agrees. He almost doesn't hear what she says next. "It should have been me."
"Huh?"
"It should have been me who…who…stopped us," she clarifies. "Then again, I shouldn't have started it."
He flinches at the self-resentment in her tone. It's just so not like her. Not to this extent, anyway. "Hey," he says. "Look, I'm not gonna say you should have done it. Or," he adds with a slight crease in his brow, "that I shoulda gone along with it. But we all make mistakes, Berry. Look at me. I kinda invented them." She smiles up at him a little, though he notices a tear in her eye that she's refusing to wipe away. "So yeah, I'm sorry too. For whatever role I played in breaking you two up. And for, y'know, telling Quinn."
She looks away. He doesn't say anything. What is there to say after this? Finally, she speaks, though her voice is quiet and pained. "Do you think he'll ever forgive me?"
He purses his lips because he doesn't really know the answer to that. After thinking about it for a while, he says, "Maybe. If he ever forgives me."
Her eyes snap to his. Rachel's heart starts pounding a little louder because he's…right. Finn's furious with her and he has the right to be. And she'd known when she did what she did how much worse it was because it was Noah. But it's not just about her, she realizes. It's mostly about her. But it's about Quinn and Noah too because they broke him first. They gave him all the bitterness he feels toward her first. So yes, he'd given her time to explain without really listening. But she'd never tried to look any further than that.
Now it just hurts more because she gets how much more she hurt him. Why does it always take her so long to reach all the pertinent conclusions? She knows why. Because Finn is the one who leads her in that direction and she'd pushed him away and he pushed her away. And they both broke each other and now there's nothing.
Now there's everything.
She cries.
Puck pulls her toward him, letting her cry into his shoulder. It makes him a little uncomfortable, yeah, but not anymore than seeing a girl bawling her eyes out. She sniffs a little and when she's finally done, she looks at him, murmuring her thanks. He gives her a one-shouldered shrug and says he'll walk her home.
She politely declines and says she has somewhere else she needs to be. He doesn't believe her, but he gives a small wave as he leaves.
Rachel smiles a little as she watches Noah walk away. Maybe, she thinks, she still has a lot to learn.
Finn throws the controller of his XBOX on his bed. He's been playing this game for upwards of six hours and it's actually just kinda boring him now. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve and he's done pretty much nothing with his life since Christmas. So far, this Christmas break has been even crummier than last year's, which is saying something. When the hell did he stop having friends?
Then again, back with Quinn, all his friends were just douchebags. And yeah, maybe he was one of them, but he wasn't really one of them. It never felt right. And there's no way in hell he's gonna call Puck his friend anymore. Just because he doesn't feel like punching the dickface in the jaw every time he sees him anymore doesn't mean they're really on friendly terms. Especially now that Christmas is over and everything.
And Sam? Well, Finn's not really sure what's up with him. He guesses they're bros, but he's pretty sure Sam might be trying to jack his life. He doesn't care so much about the Quinn thing (though he can admit they're kinda gross, but whatever). But he knows Sam's totally trying to take the quarterback position from him again and that just…isn't cool. Like, he feels really bad that he called the play that ended up getting Sam's shoulder dislocated. But now that Sam's fine and they've totally moved past it, he's not letting the position go. Plus, he figures Sam is probably with Quinn anyway and Finn doesn't actually know that much stuff that Sam's into. He frowns.
It all kinda stopped mattering once he had Rachel as his friend. And then his best friend. And then his girlfriend-sort of. And then his ex-girlfriend, but they were still kinda friends. And then they both acknowledged that they were best friends and suddenly he was her boyfriend again and her best friend. So even though they'd been a couple, they were friends and that was cool, but he guesses the lines kinda got blurred. Which is understandable, but still annoying because now that she's not his girlfriend again, they're not friends either. So he really doesn't have anything to do with himself.
It sucks.
So he decides maybe he should just lie on his bed and think. He's realized it's a little easier to say her name now. Then again, he hasn't said her name out loud and definitely not in her presence. Whatever. Anyway, it's weird how she would always make comparisons. She was always saying how she doesn't look like Quinn. Or Santana. Or Brittany. Or some other Cheerio slut. Well, he'd always been glad she doesn't look like Quinn.
Like, Quinn's hot or whatever and she's got the popularity thing going for her. But Rachel isn't as obvious about how hot she is and it was awesome 'cause it was just for him to know. And even though sometimes her eyes get a little crazy, they're always full of some kind of emotion. And he just always loved that 'cause he can read her so well. And with Quinn, her eyes just always looked…cold. Like you knew she was planning something, that she was ruthless. So yeah, not looking like Quinn? Not such a bad thing.
He'd already admitted to her he thought Santana was hot—in retrospect probably not his brightest idea. But then, it doesn't matter because it was before she went and made him fall apart and he made them fall apart. But the thing is, he doesn't care that Santana is hot. She's still a bitch. Mostly. Besides, Santana is like slutty hot. Which is good for guys like Puck, he supposes. But Finn isn't like Puck and it hadn't taken him long to realize slutty hot wasn't what he wanted. Whereas with Rachel, she just, like, cares about being healthy and stuff, so her being smokin' hot was just a side benefit. A really, really awesome one, too.
And then she would do this thing where she would, like, compare voices. Like, she would state that she's the best singer in the club, right? And he would agree and not just for brownie points. He'd known that since the first time she opened her crazy mouth to sing with him. That's not the problem. It's that she would then go into this rant about how if she's the best singer, how come no one gets it? Like, she totally appreciates the talent of the other club members (maybe not as much as her own talent, but he supposes it's just Rachel being Rachel). But she'd wonder why if Quinn or Santana have a tendency to go sharp, why is it Mr. Schue wants them to have more solos? Does everyone think they have a better tone? What's wrong with her voice?
And then she would like seriously make charts and stuff. And she just didn't get that people had nothing against her voice, they just never tried to look past any of her bossiness and all that stuff. So when Santana or Mercedes or even Sunshine would sing, people went nuts. Maybe he just didn't explain it, 'cause she never understood that. She just kept going on and making all these vocal comparisons, making him listen to tapes of group numbers over and over and over 'til he would kiss her to shut her up. Though obviously he doesn't do that anymore, but she probably does. Somehow, that doesn't give him the satisfaction he thinks it's supposed to. Maybe it if were a couple weeks ago, he'd think good you deserve it Rachel you should be miserable like I'm miserable.
But it's not a few weeks ago and see, he can make the comparisons too. Maybe it was all stuff he should have done for real, like aloud and to her face. Maybe he should have made her try to see. Maybe his brain is just on fire.
See this is why he hates thinking a lot. It just confuses him a lot. Like, he's still mad at her and he still can't believe she would do something like that to him. But now he just doesn't have the energy to hate her all the time anymore. Especially since he's pretty sure that since most of his thoughts about her aren't I can't even look at you or think about you without wanting to punch stuff or rip your heart out too but I would never do that 'cause I'm not like you did you even think about how this would kill me? that he's on his way to forgiving her. Trusting her completely is a different ballgame, but that all comes after forgiveness anyway so he doesn't have to think about it that much.
He drags himself off his bed when he hears the doorbell, groaning. He nearly slams the door closed again when he opens and sees fucking Puck standing there, but the jackass jams his foot in the doorframe. Finn sighs exasperatedly.
"Go away."
"Just hear me out," Puck starts.
"No!" Finn interrupts. "I don't wanna hear what you have to say. You like fucking me over, I get it. Trust me, I really do. Now get the hell outta here." He pushes the door against Puck's boot, but it doesn't help.
"This isn't about me," his ex-best friend replies angrily. "Now open the fucking door and let me in before I have to kick it down."
Finn stares at him, considering. Puck's definitely capable of bashing his door in and he knows his mom would be pissed if that happened. And the last thing he needs in his life is more drama. He looks at Puck, resigned, and slowly eases the door open.
Puck strides inside, shedding his sweatshirt. "Look," he says, getting right down to business. "I know you're pissed at me and I get it, dude. Seriously. But look, with Quinn—" Puck sets his jaw when he sees Finn roll his eyes, knowing the quarterback is about to tune him out.
Finn thinks this really has to be a waste a time. It's been over a year and suddenly Puck wants to talk about what happened with Quinn? Yeah he cared about Quinn a lot, even if she was kinda a bitch. And yeah, it still pisses him off that she cheated on him and said he was gonna be a dad and tore it all away from him to try to keep herself safe. And yeah, he's still motherfucking broken that Rachel coulda done the same thing if she wanted to because now that he's faced with Puck it's all coming back and now he doesn't know if he's feeling forgiveness or if he just misses her.
"Listen to me!" Puck snaps.
"Why the fuck should I?" Finn counters, walking into the kitchen. Puck follows him. "How do I know everything that comes outta your mouth isn't just stupid bullshit? You wanna talk about what happened? 'Cause I don't! I don't wanna know why you fucked my girlfriend at the time. Or why you made out with my other girlfriend at the time. The Quinn stuff? Yeah, it fucking sucked. But this thing with Rachel? What do you want me to say? It's okay 'cause it's not as bad? It's worse, you asshole!" He takes a deep breath 'cause he realizes how much effort it takes for this kind of arguing and he doesn't have the energy.
"You're an idiot!" Puck tells him. "Fuck, look I don't regret what I did with Quinn. Like, sucks that it hurt you. Seriously, I don't like that part, but Quinn? You two never had anything substantial. But with Rachel? You think I did that to fuck with you? Jesus Christ." Finn eyes him warily, his anger barely contained. "I was trying to be nice to her after you went and started ignoring her and shit when she found out you fucked Santana."
Finn opens his mouth to protest, but Puck glares at him. "No, dude. I'm not saying it was wrong of you to have sex with her when you did, that's your shit to deal with. But when Rachel was all upset and shit, you just walked away from her. You didn't even try sticking up for her. So yeah, I was being nice to her 'cause I've learned a lot since I got outta juvie. Anyway, she was trying to explain everything to me and I kinda tuned out some of it 'cause I can't take that much talking, but I got the gist of it, dude. And yeah, she fucked up majorly but I bet you never even thought about why. She knows she screwed up. And when I—she put a stop to everything, and I left, I knew she just killed herself inside just like it killed you."
Finn stares at Puck. Is he seriously blaming Finn for all this? Finn groans again. This is all just causing him to need to think more.
"You have no idea what this feels like," Finn says quietly.
Puck scoffs. "I'm not saying you should go get back with her instantly 'cause you're just gonna end up fighting more. I'm just saying take your head out of your ass for once and see that she isn't like Quinn. And I don't even give a fuck if you never forgive me and still hate me. That's fine. But Rachel isn't like me either and she's doing everything she can to show you that. So if she's leaving you alone like I'm guessing you wanted her to, then stop acting like she's the only one who's ever made a mistake in your guys' relationship. 'Cause she's forgiven you for a shit ton of things."
Finn goes back to thinking about comparisons and wonders if these ones are actually accurate. But before he can dwell on it too much, he's already punching Puck square in the jaw.
Puck stumbles backwards a step and fends off Finn's next advance. "You get the one. Anything else, I'm gonna kick your ass."
"You're an asshole, you know that?" Finn asks, shaking his hand out 'cause fuck Puck's face is like made of steel or something.
"I'm not the one sitting on my bed moping all day." Puck crosses his arms over his chest. Then he sighs when he sees Finn's face scrunch up in anger or heartbreak or something. "All right. So it's another fucked up thing in your screwy relationship. But if you can find a way to get over it, and I bet if you try hard enough, eventually you will 'cause you're totally moony over her and have fish hooks in your mouth and shit. And trust me, if you and her find a way to fix this, you'll both be less miserable."
Finn doesn't say anything. 'Cause maybe Puck's sort of right, which is scary enough 'cause when is Puck ever right? If nothing else, maybe he just needs to use the alone time Rachel is giving him to sort his brain out instead of just being bitter or angry or wondering. "Is this an apology?" he asks.
Puck shrugs. "It's as much of one as either of us are gonna get."
Typical. But then if Puck broke down and got on his knees and begged for forgiveness, Finn would know instantly that it's time to wake up. "Are we done?" It's a weighted question.
Puck catches it, says softly, "Yeah."
And then that's it. It's over. What's been said has been said and what's been heard has been heard. Finn watches as Puck nods at him and turns around, exiting his house.
Finn slumps into a chair at the kitchen table, resting his head in his hands. A year's worth of bitterness, of hatred. He feels drained. Puck's still an asshole. And he's still reeling. He's pretty sure it isn't normal. But then he'd never imagined he and Puck would ever have any kind of closure since neither of them ever wanted to talk about it.
So of course it would be Rachel who forces it out of them, even without trying. Because even without trying, she's still around.
He thinks about Puck's words. 'Cause she's forgiven you for a shit ton of things. That's true enough. But here's the thing, he didn't cheat on her. He screwed up a lot. He kissed her when he shouldn't have. Lied to her about the play stuff and let her kiss him when he shouldn't have. He quit glee a few times. Broke up with her 'cause he wasn't thinking straight. But never never never did he ever even think about cheating on her! He loved her. He tells that annoying voice in his head to shut the fuck up before it can even unnecessarily tell him he cheated on Quinn again.
This isn't about Quinn. It's about Rachel. Maybe he shouldn't have given up so easily. Maybe he shouldn't have let her let him give up so easily. About the whole sex lie thing. Like, he shoulda stormed out after her. Maybe he shoulda asked her why she was so hung up about the Santana part instead of just getting frustrated about it.
Maybe he should have tried harder.
Fuck.
Maybe they both really did screw up. So maybe if/when he sees her over the rest of break, instead of just not feeling like he wants to cry, maybe he'll even say hello.
Maybe she'll even say hello back.
He sighs.
It all comes down to maybes.
Somehow, the thought doesn't comfort him.
I'm not sure how many chapters this story will end up having, but there we go. I appreciate your feedback.
Reviews = love
