Chapter 3
'Firstly, I want to address everyone. I have decided to take my own life because I can't deal with my life at the moment. I have loved every minute of working at Holby. It has been so great and taking the job at Holby has been my greatest achievement. I have also loved working with everyone here. All of the nurses, the doctors, the porters, the receptionists, the surgeons and everyone else that is involved in making Holby City Hospital a great hospital have been exceptional. Over my years as being a nurse I have learnt some valuable life lessons. One of them, which I have lived by is that life is short, so don't think about each and every decision. You might be thinking 'well that's not Tess, she always thought everything out' but a few of the things that I will mention in here will surprise you. If you get an opportunity, take it and if it changes your life, let it. Everyone makes mistakes, but that's the only way you can learn. I remember my first day as a nurse in Holby and I think Charlie will too. I inserted a cannula into someone's arm and fainted while doing it. But Charlie being Charlie caught me just before I hit the floor. I woke up on the sofa in the staff room not having a clue what just happened.'
A few people laughed at that comment, including Charlie who brushed away a few stray tears at the same time. Zoe's voice was becoming more emotional the further she got through it.
'Another great life lesson was... Was.. To...' Zoe said but couldn't finish her sentence. Charlie walked over to her and took the note. He put an arm around Zoe as her tears flowed heavily. Charlie continued. 'Another great life lesson was to never take anything for granted. You never know just how lucky you are until it goes and you realise what you've lost.
Next, I want to address one of my closest friends, Zoe.' Charlie said and Zoe smiled. 'You have always been there for me through thick and thin and over these past few months I've really needed you and you've been there for me. You haven't judged me but just helped me and that is the greatest thing a friend could ask for. You are a great laugh and a true party animal.'
Charlie said and a few people and Zoe chuckled. Fletch was leaned against a wall, awaiting for the note to reveal what happened.
'You are a true friend and I've never told you how thankful am I to have found someone like you. You are practically my family and I wish that we could have had more time together, but I need to do this. I love you Zoe and I won't ever forget you. You will be imprinted in my mind forever.
Now, I want to address another one of my closest friends, Charlie. You have also stuck by me through tick and thin. Through everything. When I got I impaled on the pole and people walked away so I could be x-Rayed, you didn't. You stayed with me when I asked you to. You are an exceptional friend and we have been friends for years. I am sorry I didn't tell you about recent events but I just couldn't. It was all too hard. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that I couldn't cope and I'm sorry that I'm apologising for everything in a letter but... But.. I...'
Charlie said but his eyes were filling up and he couldn't see the words. Fletch walked over and patted Charlie on the back. Fletch took the note and patted Charlie on the shoulder and kept a hand there.
'But I couldn't do it in person otherwise I would've broke down right then. You are also like my family and I wish that we could've spent more time together. I love you Charlie and I won't ever forget you. You will also be imprinted in my mind forever.
I want to address my children. Even though I don't want this to be read to them I would like to mention them. They are the best children I could've asked for. When my husband, Mike, divorced me I was left with hardly any money, two children, one that had bipolar, and I couldn't deal with it all. At one point I felt like giving up and running out on my children, just like Mike did to me, but i didn't. Instead I fought. I fought for my children. I fought for the people that meant the most to me than anything else in the world. I would lay down my life for my children. I love them. You may be thinking that I am selfish for taking my own life but I couldn't cope anymore.
Finally, I want to address the person that is possibly the most important person in my life right now and that person is Fletch.'
A lot of people looked up at Fletch and he paused, and took a deep breath. The tears were already building up in his eyes and Zoe noticed, she took the note from him and he smiled weakly at her. The people looking at Fletch were puzzled to why he was the most important person in a Tess' life.
'A few months ago, unbeknown to most people me and Fletch had an affair. Soon after, I felt nauseous and dizzy and Zoe offered to do a blood test. I found out that I was pregnant. But, I couldn't do it. I could break up a whole family. I would rather break my own heart than the hearts of a whole family. I am 46. I can't have a child. I've been through that stage in my life. I took a few weeks off and had an abortion.'
The tears started to cascade down Fletch's face as he thought back to when they were happy. Everyone was shocked at Tess and Fletch having an affair, never mind the pregnancy.
'When I came back I broke it off with Fletch. I knew that even though I wanted Fletch to be mine, he was married and he could never truly be mine. At the end of the day, after I broke it off, Fletch came to me and told me it was the end of his shift. But, he didn't just go there to tell me that. He told me that he still loved me. I had to think. I had two decisions. I could either tell him that I love him back and get back with him, but, the consequences would be immense. Or I could tell him that I don't love him and hope that he goes back to his family even though I don't want him too. I made that decision and to this day I regret it. I told him that I didn't love him back. A few days passed and then it got to the Peter Trenton incident. No-one apart from me, Charlie and Fletch know the truth. The truth is that on that day Fletch's wife arrived in the ED. I gave her the news that she was pregnant and it ripped my heart in two. But, I had to be strong. I had to show Fletch that I didn't love him when in actual fact, I was head over heels for him. I know what you're all thinking. 'Why did they get together?' And I thought the exact same, but we worked. I told Fletch that I'd finish his patient and I just had to put up a litre of saline. I went to get it and then Robyn came in and was talking about something. I had so many thoughts swirling in my mind so I just grabbed the saline, when in actual fact, I had grabbed potassium. I put it up and filled in the paperwork. After that I went home and Fletch noticed the mistake. When he said that he will 'deal' with the paperwork, he actually meant that he would cross out my initials and write his own. The next day I confronted Fletch and he said that I know why he did it and even though I said I don't, I did. It was because he loved me. The next week was the tribunal and he came to my house on the morning. I apologised for everything but he said that it didn't matter. He said that I had been missing shifts and he said that he got worried when I stopped answering my phone.'
At this point Fletch was nearly sobbing.
'I was clearing up and I nearly fainted. Fletch steadied me and he took me to work. Charlie did question me about it but I just brushed it off. Fletch looked at my medical records and looking back on it, I don't blame him. He found out that I had been to see a gynaecologist at St. James and by the end of the day he found out that I had, had an abortion. That night when Fletch went to the pub I broke down on Charlie's shoulder. Whoever is reading this I apologise for the tear drops that are on the page, but I am crying. That's right, one man, Adrian Fletcher, has reduced me, a bossy old battleaxe to tears.'
When Zoe read out the last sentence Fletch chuckled. She never thought that she was beautiful.
'The next following weeks were me and Fletch trying to get on but it didn't exactly seem to work so we decided to become friends.
Fletch. You are the most important person in my life right now. You were the strong one when I wanted a break. You were the one who could make me laugh in the darkest of moments. You were the person that could make me weak at the knees by just smiling. You were the one who loved me for who I was, and not who you wanted me to be. And all of these made you, but there was just one downside to you, which I couldn't do anything about. You were married. The one who already had three children and a wife. The one who I couldn't have. My Adrian Fletcher.'
Fletch just wanted to walk out but needed to hear the rest of what Tess had to say.
'Fletch. You were the most amazing person that I knew. You were funny, talented, a great nurse, you had a brilliant personality and everyone loved you. You were the person who could put that sparkle in my eyes that only you could. Over these last few weeks you've been trying to contact me but I knew that if I succumbed to your attempts then I wouldn't do this. I couldn't hear your voice or see your face because I would want to stay. I couldn't give in to you because then I knew I would stop myself from doing this. I am sorry for everything I have done to you. For breaking your heart when I broke up with you. For not saying that I love you back. For bushing you off every time you comforted me. I did all of these things to try and protect you. But now I have realised something. You can protect yourself. I didn't want to break your heart, I wanted to make it beat. I didn't want to not say I love you, I wanted to kiss you right there. I didn't want to brush you off every time you tried to comfort me, I never wanted you to stop. And I didn't want to split you up from your family, so I did all of these.
I know that this will have shocked you all but I needed to tell you and I just couldn't do it in person. I hope that this doesn't make you think any less of me. I just couldn't cope.
Fletch, I have never said this in person because I knew that if I did it would have disastrous consequences. But I have to say it now, I need to say it now. I love you. I knew that I loved you from the moment that we kissed. I was head over heels for you and I still am. But, I know that it can never happen. I love you Adrian Fletcher and I will miss you so much.
I hope you all try and move on with your lives. Don't dwell on this because it will bring you sadness and I don't want to make you sad. You have been the most wonderful friends and staff. Enjoy your lives. I will miss all of you.'
Zoe finished. Rita, Robyn, Jamie, Charlie, Zoe and Fletch had tears down their face. Suddenly Fletch stormed out of the staff room. He couldn't take it. He thought that Tess didn't love him but all that time she did. All that time she was breaking her own heart... For him. He walked at a brisk pace to the reception desk. He didn't recognise the lady at the desk but didn't care.
'What ward is Tess Bateman on?' Fletch asked quickly. The woman looked at him and frowned.
'Who are you?' The woman asked.
'I am Tess' boyfriend.' Fletch said, lying but knowing that he had to see her.
'She is on ward 20.' The woman said and Fletch ran to the lift. He got in it and pressed the button continuously.
Once he was on the ward he ran around it looking for Tess. He looked at a bed but had to double take. It was Tess. She was laid on a bed in a gown. Tears fell from his eyes as his mind registered the situation he was in. He had moved back in with his wife a week ago but now things were changing. When he moved back in everything was fine for two days but then for the rest of the week it was back to normal; all the arguing the shouting and the ignoring. He loved Tess and he knew that. He needed to make things right. He walked over to Tess' bed and looked down at her. He took he hand and entwined his fingers with hers. The tears flowed more heavily down his face as he placed a gentle kiss upon her lips. She was only laid on one half of the bed so Fletch walked round to the empty side. He laid himself down on his side so that he was a facing Tess and took her hand. He then closed his eyes, knowing that she wouldn't wake up for a while.
