March
The first time I learned my seasons, I wondered why March was considered part of spring. While being aware of the definition of "seasons" for the first time, I took careful note of the early March air.
Snow-mixed-dirt that occasionally turned into murky ice with sudden drops in temperature.
Blustery cold winds that stung my cheeks, forcing me to muffle myself in scarves.
Starving trees shivering in the gray world.
I told the teacher that there must have been a mistake in considering March part of spring. She replied:
"March comes in like a lion, out like a lamb."
A few weeks after that, I saw the first rabbit of the year, nibbling at the grass peeking out of melted-snow-soaked soil.
I recognized a yellow daffodil, painting the town with spots of sunlight
What my dad said was the "equinox" passed, and daytime stretched out longer and longer for me to play.
I guess I will miss March after all.
Because all wonderful things need to start off small sometime and March is that time. Because March is beautifully half-and-half; half-winter, half-spring; half-night, half-day.
March is stern yet gentle.
It is the month when things grow.
The apple he is peeling looks orange with the sunset-light striking from behind through the large, hospital window. Everything—the white bed sheets, the one-day-old cut flowers, the humming machines—seems half-dark, half-gold.
The light is gentle enough to smooth over the wrinkles on his grandmother's face and for a moment it feels as if he has been taken back to a time when his only guardian was healthy.
Then he hears the coughing.
Hurriedly, he takes the glass of water from the night stand and holds it to her lips. "Are you all right, Oba-san? Here, have an apple."
"A few coughs is nothing to your Oba-san, Toushiro." She smiles—but he can see it is weak—and nibbles on the fruit. "You should worry about yourself more." She replies as she stares at him and then frowns in a motherly worry, "It looks like you get thinner every time I see you. Have you been eating properly?"
It is just like her to divert the worry towards her grandson. He smiles, "I'm fine Oba-san, really."
"Young people these days, starving themselves to look good. You'll only look sickly by doing that, you know!"
"You know I don't care for that stuff, Oba-san."
The talk is casual. It is almost the same every late afternoon he visits. But he loves it all the same. His grandmother's soft, caring voice soothes him. It is the only time he feels no need to act guarded.
"It's almost White Day isn't it?" She brings up.
"Mhhmm." He hands her another apple slice.
"Do you still have that recipe book at home? I think there's one for chocolate..."
"Oba-san, I don't plan on giving anyone anything."
"Not even Karin-chan?" She lightly teases. "Come to think of it, you never bring Karin-chan or Yuzu-chan anymore. I wonder how much they've grown."
"Karin and I are just friends."
"What a shame. And I wanted to be at least certain that I will have grandchildren before my time is up." She laughs.
To laugh with her would be a lie of some sort. He does not want to think about a day when she will no longer greet him every afternoon and ask about his day. Losing her is equivalent to losing two people: the father and mother he never had.
He remembers what the doctor informed him a few months ago.
"I'm sorry, but unless she can undergo the surgery, I'm afraid she doesn't have much time left. Your grandmother is very ill. Even the surgery might not ensure her health."
He remembers the bill in the mailbox of his single-apartment—the one he frustratedly rolled into a ball and threw as hard as he could out the window, as if it was the feeling of desperation is was trying to rid.
"$11,000...You've. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me!"
The stiff bed sheets crumple under his clenched fists. With a powerful emotion of protectiveness running through his veins, he feels his body tense up. Or maybe it was another, much uglier feeling that gives him this sensation of stiffness as he vows aloud to his beloved, now-sleeping grandmother:
"Don't worry Oba-san. I'll get the money for that surgery. Just wait. Please just wait a bit longer."
"I don't really like rice so I'll give you mine!"
He feels a vein pulse in his temple from slight annoyance. How, in any manner, is this girl "like a ghost"? He feels like scoffing at himself for ever finding her personality transparent. Right now, she feels very much "here"...especially when she takes his amanatto stuffed bread.
"Oi! I never gave you permission!"
Too late. She bites into it and her face lights up. "Yum!"
He glares with her share of rice and eggs in front of him.
The expression on his face reminds her somewhat of a disappointed child and she giggles as she swallows the sweet bread, "You always eat bread anyway. It's not healthy, you know. It's good to have a nice, balanced lunch once and a while. If you think about it that way, I'm saving your life!" She finishes with a bright grin.
He can only heave a sigh to this logic. This is what he gets in return for giving up lunch with his friends. It has only been a week, but he is starting to question his endurance to keep up with her for a year. Well, it's not as if his friends give him any more peace of mind. In fact, the library is tranquil compared to either the student-filled classrooms or the courtyard that gets increasingly populated as the weather warms. Save two students who suffer the consequences of procrastination and one student who genuinely enjoys books, he and Hinamori are the only two in the library.
It is a good choice for someone who wants to hide. Karin, Yuzu, Renji, and Kira are under the belief that he has joined the debate club, which supposedly meets during lunch. He specifically chose this club because it is academic enough to deter them from following him.
"Hey, Hitsugaya-kun." She says almost thoughtfully as she finishes the sweet, "Can I make your bento from now on?"
Her forthright approach almost makes him choke on his milk.
Once again, he finds himself thinking, "like a ghost", my ass.
"Don't waste your time, I like eating bread every day."
"That's okay! I like baking too!"
He thinks about how allowing such a wish to be granted would only validate their relationship more. He doesn't want to let her think that they were actually dating. Wait, wasn't that what he agreed to? Furrowing his eyebrows, he looks down at the table in frustration.
Upon hearing the rustle of papers close before him, he looks up to find a long list of types of bread.
"Oi, what is this?"
"The menu of bread from my future bakery! I've always wanted to run a small bakery business when I grow up, along with being a painter. But since I'm going to die before I can, I figured I'll just have you be my only customer!"
Her genuinely enthusiastic expression disarms him. He can only stare.
That's not funny.
Do you even know what you're saying?
Being able to accept her situation so happily...as if it was a natural thing...
He can not help but feel unnerved.
About to say no, a voice in his head stops him.
"I'll be willing to pay for my daughter's happiness..."
Just to silence the voices in his head, he says instead, "Fine." And then awkwardly he makes sure to avert her eyes before stumbling with his words, "And...um...since I can't make food...I can—I mean, can I take you out on a...date...instead?"
See? I'm doing more than my fair share. He pushes down his other conscience and peeks at her face in the corner of his eye.
It is a curious expression, almost as if she is surprised. Her eyes seem as if they are contemplating something; maybe they are trying to find an ulterior motive...
"Don't look so shocked! We're...going out aren't we?" He sputters.
"All right! I'm free next Saturday!" She tilts her head and smiles.
Yuzu watches her sister fail for the 5th time at baking. The first and second time, her twin mistook sugar for baking soda. The third, she burnt. The fourth...well even Yuzu—who was the expert chef of the Kurosaki household—couldn't figure out what Karin did.
This time the cake was fine—well, at least it was edible. Unfortunately, the shape was oddly twisted and disfigured to the point that it looked unappetizing. Yuzu giggles. Karin seems unusually cute today. Such were girls in love.
"Ne~Karin. You might be better off just doing chocolate."
As she dumps the mound of cake into the overflowing trash bin, Karin grumbles, "Yeah" She then pulls at her cocoa-dusted hair in irritation, "Stupid Hitsugaya! It's all his fault! If he wouldn't have so many girls give him chocolates on Valentine's Day, then I wouldn't have to do something different and make him a damn cake! Why is he so popular anyway? None of them know what he's really like..." Her holler fades away to a mutter.
"You know White Day is for boys to give chocolates to girls, right? Valentine's Day passed already."
Karin looks down at the ground and fidgets a bit, "Well, I didn't want to be grouped with the rest of the girls..."
At this, Yuzu can not help but skip over and hug her twin, ignoring the brown batter and eggs on Karin's apron.
"Karin is definitely much suited to Hitsugaya-kun than any other girl." She smiles and then looks at the clock on the wall, "But it's almost midnight now and you have to finish the cake to surprise him with tomorrow on Saturday, right? So let me help you out a bit."
Her casual dress feels different against her skin—it has been a while since she has worn it in a while. There's more of a gap between her body and the fabric. Well, that's to be expected; she has lost weight since she contracted the illness. But it is a nice kind of weird feeling, to be wearing a casual dress instead of a school uniform or hospital pajamas.
And there he is, standing there in a dark blue jacket and slightly faded jeans. He's early. She smiles and wonders how long he has been standing there. With his head down and his body leaning back against the glass wall of the bookstore...To be honest, she knows that today is a result of his sympathy. But all the same, she deserves to have some fun, right?
"Hitsugaya-kun!" She waves.
He looks up from the cement sidewalk and their eyes meet.
"Hey."
"So, what are we doing today?"
"Well," He looks away, "I'm not really sure what couples do on dates...so...don't have any expectations..."
But she does not seem to mind. He notices how surrounding shopping district seem brighter in her eyes as she replies, "That's okay! I haven't been here in a while so anything is fun!"
An afternoon passes and all they have done is walk around. During that time, he was increasingly aware of the couples holding hands or sneaking kisses openly. They honestly did not look like a couple at all in comparison.
The guilt remains with him, even as they reach the end of the business strip. He asked her on a date, but what they have done so far could make today simply a day between friends.
She doesn't seem to mind. With hands clasped behind her back, she walks with her typical bounce and airy smile.
He finds it frustrating how takes joy in the simplest things. It makes it easier for him to hold his end of the bargain, so why is he complaining? Somehow, he wants her to ask for more.
Otherwise, he would feel as if he is cheating.
He shakes this thought away.
"Hey, let's go into that shop." He points a modest store in the corner.
She stares at its display case for a moment. Friendly heart cut outs strung framing the glass. Teddy bears lined up behind the wall.
The smile comes naturally. Hitsugaya Toushiro-kun is not completely like winter—he reminds her of the small fireplace light that comes with the season as well.
Agreeing, she follows him through the door. A bell rings upon their entrance and a kind, elderly man welcomes them. She looks around, noticing that most of the bins and shelves are empty. He apologizes. Apparently all the popular teddy bears have sold out earlier due to a large birthday party.
"People actually come here?..." She hears him mutter under his breath. He almost seems bothered.
There is one bin that is still half-full. She picks up one of the gray-furred, unstuffed bears and shows it to him. Putting on a smile, she brightly chirps, "Let's try it out!"
They bring it over to be stuffed and sewed. Once assembled, she held the bear out to inspect.
He restrains a wince. Being a typical perfectionist, he can tell it is under-stuffed at one arm (the one he did). He understands why there are so many of these types of bears left over. He knows that white bears are the popular ones these days, but the gray fur would have to do. For some odd reason he can not completely reject it.
It is a clumsy attempt and she knows it. As she observes their work, she blames herself for having too much fun and overstuffing one arm. The color of the bear reminds her of dreary clouds—isn't it more natural to have earthy fur? But it was charming in its own quirky way.
"Usually the children name the bears." The shopkeeper chuckled at the cash register after tying the peach-white patterned ribbon they picked out around the toy, "It's a tradition here."
They look at each other. This time, the silence is abnormally uncomfortable for him and he feels somewhat self aware. She, for once, is unsure of what to say.
Finally, she suggests:
"Shiramomo!"
He seems puzzled by this atypical name and appears to figure out its meaning.
"Get it? We both made it! So it's Toushiro and Momo! Shiramomo!"
Ah...too much? She peeks at his expression in the awkward silence. During the time they held the bear together, assembled it, and chose the ribbon, she waited for that sudden spark. A flutter.
But nothing.
She thought a push would've helped, but as she searches his eyes to see if the bear's name brings anything more than it brings her, she knows her attempt has failed.
Ah well. She does not let this disappoint her.
"This day was really fun!" She breaks the discomfort outside on the sidewalk as the sun sets behind them. Walking ahead and then spinning around, she calls out, "I want to show you something as a thank you!"
Before he can call her bothersome in his mind, she runs off and leaves him no choice but to follow. He sighs. Despite her bubbly personality, for some reason, she is hard to find among crowds.
Finally, he finds her standing in an empty square. Alone in the center, with a few aloof pigeons pecking at left over trash.
Maybe it is the dark obscuring his vision, but the girl in front of him has a completely different mien. There is no over-the-top giggling. No happy-go-lucky smiles. No. The girl among empty brick tiles seems vulnerable. He sees not Hinamori Momo.
He sees a lost girl who has lost something honestly dear.
Suddenly he understands that the girl before is the real Hinamori Momo.
He steps on a wrapper and she notices him.
Now the cheery armor is back. She starts with a small laugh:
"You know, my mom and I used to come shopping in this district a lot before I got sick. Maybe once a week. More if it was Christmas or my birthday. But today, I didn't recognize anything. The cupcake shop isn't here anymore. The granny that sells crepes isn't in front of the supermarket. I thought maybe at least the fountain that lights up at night would be here still. But it's not. It's gone."
Her voice—did he hear it waver at the end? Just the tiniest bit?
"That was silly of me wasn't it? Of course it wouldn't be here. Everything changes. Everything always changes and nothing stops for anyone."
Oi, idiot. You forgot to smile.
He walks over and places a hand over her head.
"Follow me for a bit."
He leads her to an empty playground and sits on one of the swings. She sits on the other and the chains holding the rubber seat do not make a sound. The soft swishing tells him that she is kicking her feet. Right now she reminds him of a dampened feather.
"Karin, Yuzu, and I played here when we were four. Their parents told me that this playground has been here since they were kids too. Well, they renovate it once and a while, but they always recycle the materials."
He points to a small engraving on the inside edge of a wooden support bar.
"So Karin and I carved our initials here. And they've been here ever since."
The swishing stops and he can tell she is staring at the initials.
Suddenly, he feels a prickly, hot feeling crawl up the back of his neck. He puts a hand on the back of his neck yet feels no spiders. This was a sensation underneath his skin.
"Well...just, don't tell anyone about this. It's supposed to be a secret between the two of us."
His ear catches something faint. If smiles could be heard, then he thinks it is what he just experienced.
A kind of gladness spreads inside of him. A kind he can not understands. But right now he ignores his confusion and stands up, simply following intuition.
"It's getting dark."
He feels her stare. Maybe a faint surprise. He makes sure to look away from her and into the streets as to avoid the uncomfortable warmth in his face he experienced before.
She stares at his outstretched hand. After a moment's hesitation she places her hand in his.
She really is like a feather, he thinks as he pulls her effortlessly up.
Perhaps a few seconds passed and she stares at her right side. Her hand is still not there. Instead, it is still in his light grip.
"Th-that's what couples do, right? And don't get used to this, alright? It's just today..."
Light warmth spreads over her face like sunlight over snow. The stretch of her skin and muscles feels gentle. The curve of her lips feels natural. It has been a long time since the expression she wears feels peaceful.
"Ne, Hitsugaya-kun?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you."
He mumbles something.
Hitsugaya Toushiro-kun is not winter. His hands are warming hers. They feel even a bit sweaty, as if unused to holding something so long. She can feel a pulse in his palm. She can feel her soft heartbeat at her fingertips. It is faint, it is lukewarm. There are no fireworks, no lights coming from the point where their skins touch, but she thinks she can appreciate this winter-melting-into-spring feeling. A feeling that reminds her of March.
"What's wrong?" He notices her staring at something in the playground.
She keeps her eyes on one of the trees by the swings but then shakes her head. "Nothing."
It may have been none of her business. That, and her usually keen sight may have failed her in the dark. But she thinks she saw something by the tree.
She thinks how it would've been a deliciously beautiful chocolate cake, had it not been smashed on the ground.
A/N: I'll just put it out there right now: I'm not incredibly original when it comes to romantic moments. All of the moments that seem cute are most likely mashed up versions of various romantic moments I have "awwwed" at in manga/anime, other cartoons, or books.
As I look back, I realize that the teddy bear part reminds me of Cardcaptor Sakura. I really do wish I have a Shaoran in my life but surprisingly, that part was inspired by one of my rare, interesting personal experiences. Yes, there sits a teddy bear on my bed and its name is a hybrid of my name and the guy I built it with at Build a Bear. He's just a friend though.
March is not one of my favorite seasons at all...
Anyways, please review!
