I APOLOGIZE PROFUSELY for the HUGE DELAY!!!!! work is not letting up...but hopefully this update witll make up some part of my absence...

just a quick reminder...this update and the rest is gonna be pretty spiritual...the whole coma thing...but have faith in me!!! you wont be sorry!!!

ON WITH THE SHOW!!!

The light seemed to be pulling me towards it, continuously. The light was peaceful, a soft gold, that bathed me in its warm glow. It looked so inviting. I didn't know what was beyond it, but it seemed to be wonderful. I don't think I believe in heaven and hell, but the light seemed to hold promise for a better world. I have lost track of time altogether. I don't remember how long I've been like this. Drifting between the world of the living and the dead, always being followed by the light. I remember something about screeching tires, skidding over the rain-slick highway, an ear-deafening crash, and then enveloping darkness. My mind has tried to focus, to remember what really happened, but something always seems to be blocking me. They have to come to me in little bits, never full pieces of information. I remember I was going to work that day, I remember something about having a wonderful secret. A secret that I couldn't wait to share with Derek. Oh, Derek. My husband, my everything. I remember being a little late, the result of a late night. I remember trying to reach the hospital, to start another day with my five interns. I had been a resident for a little over a year. I remember something about ringing, a phone, while driving. I-that's all I remember. And now, I wish I could just leave everything, leave it all behind. I've been trying to leave for a long time, but my heart won't allow me. Because then I remember my work, the thrill of successfully clipping an aneurysm; I remember my friends- Christina, George, Izzie, and even Alex; I remember how they were there for me from the beginning; I also begin to remember Bailey and the Chief, always pushing me to be the best I possibly could; I remember Addison, Mark, and Burke- they have been there for sometime now; I remember my goddaughter, Leila something Burke and Izzie's goddaughter Laurel Isobel Burke; I remember Burke's godson, Isaiah Preston O'Malley; I remember my mother, not the greatest you could hope for, but still my mother; but most of all I remember Derek, my Mcdreamy, my one true love. And I just can't seem to let go, to go towards the light, as people say. However, there is one thing I cannot remember. My name. I know that I'm a surgeon, I remember everyone, but I can't seem to remember my name. Why? Suddenly, I hear something out there, a faint, buzzing sound, but I can't seem to hear what it is properly.

Derek starts to remember the tragic day. He doesn't want to, but he thinks, maybe, just maybe if he remembers and accepts it, he can let go. So, his mind drifts back to that day, the day, when he seemed to stop living. The night before, he and Meredith had come home after performing a very successful hemispherectomy together. After sharing a wonderful dinner of ahi-ahi tuna and strawberries dipped in chocolate, and dusted with a light covering of snow-white sugar, that he had specially prepared for her, they made wonderful, magical love, before finally falling asleep, exhausted. That would be the last time, they would do a surgery together, eat dinner together, and make love together. Derek starts to sob quietly, thinking if he had only just went to work with her, or stopped her, or anything, it wouldn't have happened. Early in the morning of April, 17, he woke up earlier than usual, 6:00 to be precise. He had an early craniotomy scheduled. He didn't want to wake Meredith who seemed to be in a deep sleep and didn't need to come to Seattle Grace till nine. So, he gave her a sweet kiss on the lips and told her he loved her, and then left for work. Derek now has to stop, trying to remember, his tears and Meredith, distracting his thoughts, as he takes a break.

I can't hear properly. Please, let me hear. I want to, I need to. She makes up her mind, as she tries harder, the hardest she has ever tried to focus her mind. Then, she starts to hear the sound more clearer. Oh my god, someone's crying. I can barely make it out, but I can hear the sobs, I can feel the anguish and pain, from the tears. Who is it? But, try as she might, she cannot seem to open her eyes. Why I can't open them? But, I'm not losing this, not now. So, she tries to make out who it is just by hearing. Then, she starts to hear more than just crying. Oh, he's saying something. Yes, its definitely a guy, and he's saying something. I can't make it out. I push my mind harder, than I've done before. I'm giving this one last try, just to try and hear what he's saying. Oh my god. Meredith. Meredith, he's saying Meredith. That's my name! Suddenly it all comes back to me. I remember! Oh, it was awful! The morning of the accident. Derek had just kissed me good-bye. I could still feel the wonderful touch of his lips on mine. He said he would see me later in the day. I still heard it, even though I was sleeping. I remember, I woke up at 6:30, feeling the awful nausea, as I emptied last night's dinner into the toilet. I remember, I had bought a pregnancy test the day before, meaning to do it, but I never got around to. This was the fifth time I was experiencing nausea in the mornings. I was also late for my period, a few weeks actually. So, I finally made up my mind to take it. After waiting for about ten minutes, that same morning, I looked at the test, and I saw the tell-tale pink. I remember feeling elated, like I had gotten the best news of my life. I was going to be a mother and Derek, a father. I had planned to tell him at work. But, when I looked at the clock later on, I realized it was already close to 8:30, and I had to be at the hospital by nine. I hurried out of the house, and jumped into my blue Cherokee jeep. I remember the roads were very slippery from the night before- it had rained. So, I tried to drive carefully, all the while trying to drive as fast I could, so I wouldn't be late. I remember I was ten minutes away, when my cell phone rang. I remember trying to find it, but I made the mistake of looking away from the road. In that second, that would prove to be the biggest make I would ever make. By the time I had opened the phone, and said hello, it was too late. The last wonderful thing I heard clearly was Derek's wonderful voice, before my screams filled the morning air, and I dropped the phone, drowning out Derek. I couldn't control the car, it skidded on the slippery highway, making uncontrollable spins. I had let go of the steering wheel for just a moment, a fatal moment. As I was spinning, tires were screeching, and I finally lost control, as I spun headfirst into two other cars, both vans. Then, piercing, black darkness enveloped me as I heard something of an awful, ear-deafening crash. Oh my god. I remember, I remember everything. I realized more than ever that I didn't want to follow the light, not yet, not for a very long time. People were already too devastated and would be even more if I did. And I couldn't mostly because of me. I needed to go back, I wanted to go back. I needed and wanted to give myself that one last chance. There were too many things I couldn't leave behind. And so, with new resolve, I tried this time, with my utmost effort, to wake up. And I wouldn't stop trying till I did.

Derek finally remembered that day and what had happened. He had just successfully finished his surgery and was just calling Meredith on her cell phone, to see how she was doing. What he heard when she finally picked up her phone would haunt him forever. The last thing he heard was her sweet hello, before they turned into screams of terror, and the phone went dead. Thirty minutes later, he turned on the news, and he saw it. He saw the accident, the accident that Meredith was a part of. Yet, even that didn't convince him. He couldn't. Maybe, he thought, that it was a mistake, just a stupid mistake. But even seeing the awful three-car crash on TV was nothing compared to when he saw his love being wheeled in on a gurney, several minutes later. He didn't even care to look at the other two people being wheeled in from the same accident. She was all that mattered. Her face and body were ghostly pale, except for the bleeding all over her face and body. She was dotted with small, purple bruises, and her hair was a mess, all stuck together. Her clothes were in tatters. Still, she looked so beautiful to him. She looked like she was at peace, like she was an angel, which is what killed him most. How could she just go? How was that even possible? Where did he go wrong? Then, he received some news that seemed to break his heart even more than seeing like her that. They found out that she was pregnant, but when her car crashed, she lost the baby, and there wasn't anything anyone could have done. That truly did kill him, in the worst ways. However, when he realized that she wasn't dead, but in a coma, he felt the smallest rush of hope. He thought that if he waited, just waited long enough, she would come back to him and everything would be ok. So, he waited and waited and waited. He had waited for two years, holding on to that smallest bit of hope. But, now it hit him. After he remembered all their wonderful times together, and their love for each other, he realized, that even though he had no life without her, he had to try, for her sake. He had to try because she wouldn't have wanted him to do this to him and to all their friends. The hope he had wasn't dead, but it was just transformed into something greater. He had to let go of her and move on. The decision was excruciatingly painful, but he had to let go. Because there was no use dwelling on something and someone already gone. He wasn't giving up their love nor her. He would never do that. But, there were other things to go on for, to live for. And so, with tears flowing freely down his face, he got up off her bed, and slowly left her room to go and talk to the chief about his decision.