Ninja Chef Naruto
By ______
Chapter Three: Sukiyaki with Ramen
#Waiting Around#
Naruto sat comfortably in the jounin waiting area, watching each new arrival enter as he nibbled on some Suna-nin jerky. Apparently Otogakure was allied with them, so he felt it was best to dispose of the evidence of his team's past before he had to interact with any of them. Besides, he was hungry.
It had occurred to him that it might be bad manners to have obvious weapons hanging out while around other ninjas you had no intentions of killing, so he'd sealed away his combat-skillet and santoku, feeling awkwardly lightweight without them. Not only that, his headband itched again. Honestly, whose bright idea was it to have assassins wear identifying markers like this? He was very glad that he only had to wear it while appearing in an official capacity.
Naruto turned his head as another local jounin-sensei poofed into existence. His team had been second to arrive, being narrowly beaten by some early Ame-nin, so he'd been sitting here for awhile, wondering what was taking so long.
He suddenly noticed the red-eyed jounin who had just appeared was freaking out and gaping like a fish. Hmm... She smelled vaguely familiar, maybe he had eaten her sister or something? Oh great, now she was whispering to some bearded guy that stank of smoke and was now looking at him funny. And the Kusa-nin behind them was staring too, though she was clearly disbelieving. He chewed some more jerky, making the first Konoha-nin flinch and look that disgusted pale green color people sometimes turn from watching him cook while smoky tried to comfort her. The grass kunoichi shook her head and stalked away from the pair. Honestly, some people.
"So you are the one he sent." The presence behind him muttered, it was not a question. "A child as young as yourself has enough experience to teach genin?"
He'd sensed the presence sneaking around the room, trying to get behind him, and hadn't really cared. You can't just attack someone at these events, apparently, without some sort of terrible consequences befalling you, so he wasn't worried. He spared a casual glance over his shoulder to see who it was that stank of sand, blown air and blood so strongly.
And quickly twisted away from him and stuffed the rest of his jerky into his mouth, chewing quickly and swallowing a moment later. He gasped after having nearly choked himself, not paying any attention to the smoking leaf jounin trying to awaken fainted leaf kunoichi. That had been close, he'd almost been caught with the evidence. He turned back to face the Suna-nin.
"Naruto." The chef extended a hand to shake.
The sand jounin looked at the offered hand and simply nodded recognition. "Names do not matter between us. I was merely looking into who he entrusted to prepare things. I have seen enough." The sand jounin turned and stalked to the other end of the room, missing the little show Kakashi put on by poofing into existence and leaping into a defensive stance then taking in location and relaxing, all in a single instant. The copy-cat slowly paced over to the chef and sat beside him, warily eying his headband.
"So you turned to sound for protection, hmm?" The copy-nin lazily drawled out, watching Kurenai slowly revive.
"Huh? Protection? Oto-rokurokubi offered me a place to settle down, that's all." Naruto scowled slightly. "Though if it really involves so much of this... posturing to live in a village, I think I'm going to just travel around again when this is over with."
"Not concerned about the information we gathered on you?"
"Information?" Naruto tried to think of anything they could blackmail him with. He came up blank.
"We know your fighting style now."
"Oh, that." Naruto relaxed again. "Jerky? ...Anyway, that was just how I fight idiots who have run out their chakra already. Well, I suppose the sheer number made me a little overeager at the bridge. I'm usually better about it."
"Thanks." Kakashi absently accepted the offered food. "And I should believe that because?"
"...It's the truth?"
"Is that really the best you can come up with?"
"Well it is." Naruto huffed, tearing loose another piece from the chunk of dried meat he had. "How long do these things usually take anyway?"
"The entire exam will take about five weeks, the first one is usually the quickest." Kakashi finished checking the meat he'd been handed for poisons. He quickly popped it in his mouth when no one was looking. "...This is pretty good."
"Oh, thanks. Always trying to come up with a better recipe, you know."
"If all your rations are like this I can understand why you..." Kakashi froze and spat out the meat he'd been chewing. Kurenai fainted again at the sight of his face, though this time her face was a bright red instead of deathly pale.
"Something wrong with it?" Naruto asked, plainly disappointed. "Because you really shouldn't waste food like that."
"Indeed, my hip rival, how you could throw away some delicious morsel of culinary delight gifted to you by one so filled with the flames of youth?" Gai shouted, approaching the two.
"Gai it was... I... never mind." Kakashi muttered annoyed, taking out an old copy of Icha Icha Wars to read, one of the duller issues so it wouldn't fully absorb his attention.
"So hip..." The large-ish man in green muttered to himself while crying mini-waterfalls. His tears disappeared just as suddenly when he turned on the only Oto-nin present. "And where do you hail from, youthful Oto-nin? I believe the genin are your village's first generation, correct?"
"I guess so, I didn't really notice. Oh, jerky? ...Anyway, I've just sort of been traveling around pretty much my whole life, so I'm not really sure."
"Oh?" Chew. "But surely one so versed in the shinobi art as to have achieved the rank of jounin at such a young age must be well trained by someone of note."
"I don't know. Aniki did train me a bit when I was younger, but we parted ways a few years ago. Besides, Oto-rokurokubi just kind of declared I was a jounin after I joined his village. There wasn't even a test."
"Perhaps you impressed him with your prowess beforehand in some way when first meeting him?" Chew. "A newly formed village would probably accept such a thing more easily than one might think."
"Hmm. I suppose so..."
"Gai, trust me. He is definitely within the jounin rank." Kakashi murmured, disgusted by what his self-proclaimed rival was eating.
"Ah, it is wonderful to hear my hip and cool rival say such things about a foreign shinobi for once. Truly, you must be an inspiration." Chew. "Speaking of, this is a most youthfully flavored dish. Might I beseech you to allow me some for my most youthful genin team to sample?"
"Eh? Oh sure, I was actually looking for a way to get rid of most of it before it became a problem. It makes great rations, but..."
"Fear not, for I shall ensure that the entirety is most youthfully devoured and enjoyed as proper food should be!" Gai declared, accepting a rather large chunk of the Suna-nin jerky.
Kurenai, who had just barely regain consciousness yet again, upon hearing Gai shout out and seeing what he was accepting and who it was from, fainted once more.
"Um, Gai, you really shouldn't..." Kakashi started.
Hearing his rival say something, the green beast turned and performed his nice guy pose to put his rival's fears to rest. The shine off of his teeth filled the room like a magnesium flare and blinded over half the present jounin.
"Hmm. That was somewhat more chakra than I had intended. In fact, now that I think about it, I am brimming with energy! Yosh! I shall run twenty laps around Konoha before the first exam is finished!" He yelled, charging out of the room at a high speed.
"What a nice guy. Not many people seem to appreciate fine cooking anymore." Naruto said to himself, leaning back and carefully unsealing the ramen that went with the jerky he had just given away.
#Approaching The First Exam#
Team 7 stood along the entry wall with the other rookies, it was a shame the fight between that spandex freak and the guard chunin on the second floor accidentally killed their third member, but they'd been allowed in anyways and all three of them were talking to various others among team 8 and 10. Or at least they were until a certain silver-haired medic walked over.
"You rookies should keep it down, everyone here is just a little antsy and your making them angry. You see those Uzu-nin, they're known for their short tempers." The silver-headed one sat down in front of the others and started babbling on about the strength of each village and size and history. Finally the trap was sprung. "As it happens, I have some info-cards that I compiled on pretty much every ninja out there, want to take a look?"
"Hey yeah, you got anything on that bastard from Wave? What was his name? Tetzu's Cleft?" A loud mongrel in a white coat shouted, getting a bark of agreement from his puppy companion on his head.
"Zetsu's Chef." His stoic teammate replied, adjusting his sunglasses.
"Obito Namikaze." Sasuke uttered quietly, silencing the other genin. "And Itachi Uchiha."
Kabuto let off a tsk sound as the expected name of Gaara did not come up. Clearly the encounter he'd gone to all that trouble to engineer hadn't left a strong enough impression. He put on a flaky smile. "So you know their names. That takes the fun out of it." He drew three cards in rapid secession. "But really, should you be using this opportunity to dig up information on your potential opponents?" Seeing the Uchiha glare at him, Kabuto sighed and powered the cards.
"Obito Namikaze. Jounin. Outcast of the Uchiha clan prior to the massacre. He was trained by the Yondaime along with Rin Ikuhara and Kakashi Hatake. His Sharingan is in an apparent dormant state and has only activated once, at a level so low it completely lacked the toma signifying its development. He is the current candidate for Godaime and will be instated by the end of the month. No romantic involvements other than with his teammate Rin, who he had an apparent falling out with. Mission history, 51 D ranked, 94 C ranked, 122 B ranked, 37 A ranked and 14 S ranked. Lowest possible bloodline score above zero, since all he receives from his bloodline is the normal chakra boost a limit gives, but otherwise higher than these cards were designed for, except for tool use which is one notch short of surpassing this scale. Shoe-size is-"
"Enough." Sasuke barked aggressively. "Move on."
"Alright then, Itachi Uchiha. Nuke-nin. Proclaimed the greatest Uchiha to ever live, excepting Madara, prior to his attempt to kill his entire clan. He was trained primarily by his father until a special exemption was made and he began receiving private tutoring by various retired ANBU operatives. At the age of twelve he made ANBU, at the age of thirteen he achieved captain status and at the age of fourteen he attempted to wipe the entire Uchiha clan off the face of the earth, but was stopped by a former clansman turned outcast. In the fight he lost an eye and was forced to retreat after a running battle with the remains of the military police force. Mission history, 0 D ranked, 8 C ranked, 87 B ranked, 19 A ranked and 2 S ranked. Bloodline, genjutsu and ninjutsu are off the scale, taijutsu and tool use is one notch below scale maximum. Ranked as an S-class criminal in bounty and S-class ninja in threat potential. Whereabouts unknown. Shoe-size at the age of fourteen..." Kabuto smirked, at least Sasuke was still hung up about his brother, exactly like planned.
"I see. No quick way out, just pure experience and hard work. That's how I'll rebuild my clan." Sasuke nodded to himself, have assured his beliefs and strengthened in his resolve. Trying to take shortcuts was sadly one of the things his clan excelled at both finding and doing, but doing things that way led to outcasts surpassing your best. Itachi beat his brethren because he had worked and trained harder under ANBU for a longer time than any of the police force. Similarly, Obito defeated Itachi not by some fluke, like Sasuke had secretly expected and maybe even hoped for, despite reports clearly stating otherwise. No, he won because Itachi himself had taken a shortcut to ANBU captain and Obito had struggled and fought to gain the same level of power. They were nearly equal, but one just knew how to use their power better than the other since they lacked the Sharingan and had to train and master each little thing like a normal ninja! He knew now, as soon as he got a chance he would put forth a clan decree, making every Uchiha review and master any new jutsu the Sharingan gives them before using them in the field.
Kabuto frowned. That wasn't the reaction he had been hoping for by the sound of it. Experience and hard work were not what Orochimaru wanted the boy to focus on. He'd better-
"Hey, come on. Last card." The voice of the mongrel shook the informant out of his daze. "Come on man don't just fade out like that on us."
"Oh, of course. Sorry, I was just thinking about where Itachi must be now." Kabuto lied, getting a sinking feeling when Sasuke didn't even look up from his own thoughts. "Now where were we... Ah, Zetsu's Chef." He activated the card. "Almost a complete unknown, Zetsu's Chef or the Demon Butcher, had no known village of origin and claims outright to have never belonged to any hidden village. The latest information put in the Konoha bingo book after an encounter in Wave confirm some rumors, but fly in the face of others. For instance, the idea that he is a powerful tool user who relies largely on his unusual weaponry of choice was confirmed, but there was also a stated claim that his stealth is poor which fails to measure up against his record of evasion and ambush. Few ninja who encounter him survive and his appearance is only vaguely defined by sightings, his most recognizable features being the massive frying pan and kitchen knife he wields. Mission history, unknown. Skills listed as unknown for nin and genjutsu, very high in taijutsu and off the scale in tool use. Bloodline in listed as unknown but assumed high as normal ninja are incapable of consuming large amounts of chakra saturated meat without spontaneously exploding in a blaze of chakra energy or being forced to open some gates to accommodate and burn away the extra energy. Another S-ranked criminal in bounty, but only ranked as A in threat potential. Shoe-size, unknown." Kabuto adjusted his glasses ominously. "A real monster, as you can see. After all, what kind of freak goes around eating human flesh?"
The sound genin simmered and prepared to attack before the signal was given, no one dissed their eating habits and got away with it, even if they were Orochimaru's spy. Besides, this chef sounded like a pretty nice guy, after all their sensei used the exact same weapons and also cooked up enemy ninja all the time. Heck, he probably trained under the same guy as sensei's mysterious aniki, but just happened to become the more famous student. There was no way sensei was A-ranked anyway, everything they'd seen except his stealth was only medium B at best.
So they charged. Kabuto was ready, but expecting them to be somewhat slower, he almost missed his chance to dodge, and would have taken the hit in full if the third genin from team 7 hadn't leapt up and pushed him aside.
As it was, the spy stared in muted shock at the splatter of red that now dominated the wall behind him. The sound genin were much more powerful than his last report indicated, it was insane for anyone at their age to be that strong. The fake genin suppressed the urge to vomit, realizing that he hadn't even bother with using his chakra in case he got hit. That could have killed him as easily as it killed that poor, righteous idiot that saved him.
Glancing around, Kabuto noticed something was very, very wrong here. Someone had just exploded in a gale of gore, yet not one of these genin was reacting at all. Were they all that used to violence already? That wasn't possible.
He rose and stalked to the exam hall, wrapped in these thoughts, only to be shocked once again as the recently slaughter genin had taken a seat beside him as if nothing had happened! What the hell was this? Some variation of genesis rebirth? No, he was too young to store up enough excess chakra for such a thing. Kabuto maintained a nervous twitch, frequently glancing at the boy beside him until he got his team thrown out for cheating. And the kunai hurled to signify his time was up, just happen to end up buried in the skull of the genin beside him. Shivering nervously he left the room, noticing again that no one reacted at all to this sudden death.
Ordinarily such deaths wouldn't effect Kabuto either, but seeing rookies not even blink when one of their comrades fell brought out old memories and made his self-control waver.
Meanwhile, in the exam hall rampant cheating was occurring. Bird calls, mirrors and jutsu flew wildly around the enclosed area, throwing out more versions of the test answers than there were test papers in the room as various misinformation campaigns and outright sabotage attempts were started once a few of the hopefuls had completed most of their questions. A few were more honest in their hope for victory and simply quit once their papers were mostly finished. Other began seeking out to disqualify the older and stronger genin in the room.
The tenth question was posed and the chance of permanently being stuck as a genin emerged. The sound team smirked and prepared to kill off an entire generation of leaf-nin with one simple genjutsu to make the whole lot fail. Sand sat contentedly, confident in their ability to pass any question asked. The other teams were not so confident. The number dwindled until just twenty teams were left, only those few brave enough to take on the risks associated remained. Or at least those that didn't fully understand the risks anyway. The sound team had to actively restrain themselves from attacking the proctor when the tenth question was fully explained to them.
#The Second Test#
Anko Mitarashi plucked her kunai out of a nondescript genin's head where she'd impaled it to get everyone's attention. The task she gave them all was simple, take a scroll, get someone else's scroll, take both to a tower and you're done. Time-limit was five days. They had one hour to prepare and sign up and get to their respective gate. The blood on her kunai was tasteless.
Realizing she'd been vocalizing everything since the time-limit part, she chased the genin off, embarrassed and enraged.
And so it was that the gates opened and sixty genin burst into the forest of death. Let's observe their progress.
#Mist Team, One Hour In#
"See brothers? I told you they'd believe we were just genin. Now we just have find the brats to interrogate about Zabuza."
#Mist Team, Hour And A Half In#
"Hey! Who the hell are you?"
#Mist Team, One Hour, Thirty-One Minutes In#
"Oh my kami! What the hell did yo-"
#Orochimaru, One Hour And Twenty-Nine Minutes In#
"Hmm... I had hoped to find the Kusa-nin, but I suppose I can settle for Mizu-nin. Perhaps I should have grabbed them before the test started. Oh well."
#Orochimaru, One Hour And Thirty-Seven Minutes In#
"...but even though the rebreather completes the costume, I won't be able to show off my tongue to Sasuke-kun... But if the costume is incomplete..."
#Sound Team, Two Hours In#
"Hsst."
"Eh? What's that?"
"Hsst."
"Oh, you say Orochimaru-sama has a new job for us?"
"Will you just take the damn scroll and stop pretending you can talk to snakes?"
"Alright, alright... Jeez."
"What's it say?"
"Kill Uchiha Sasuke on the third day... That doesn't sound so hard."
"So, now we just need to find some dinner."
"Hsst."
"Oh, right. Here's a mouse."
"Hsst."
"Don't mention it."
"...Idiot."
#Sand Team, Three Hours In #
"Man you Uzu-nin are in real trouble now! Do you even know who this is? Do you?"
"Aniki, you're embarrassing me."
#Team 8, Three Hours And One Minute In#
"Hinata, Kiba. We need to fall back, it's obvious that sand-nin is far too powerful for us."
#Team 7, Three Hours And Two Minutes In#
"Ku ku ku, Sasuke-kun, you can never hope to defeat Itachi like this."
"Why the hell does everyone think I'm some kind of avenger!"
#Team 7, Three Hours And Twenty Minutes In#
"Gasp... gasp... Out of chakra..."
"Yes, you are much better developed than your brother was at your age. I will make sure you come to me seeking power!"
"Sasuke-kun!"
"Sakura! No!"
"Damn you, you bitch! How dare you interfere like that! ...No, how could the ANBU have already found me!"
#Team 7, Three Hours And Twenty-One Minutes In#
"I... I'm alive? Huh, this never... Argh!"
"There, I almost forgot to do that before running away. See you later, Sasuke-kun."
#Grass Team, Four Hours In#
"I don't know, something just feels wrong to me."
"For the last time, shut-up."
#Whirlpool Team, Five Hours In#
"Damn that was close. I thought for sure that sand bastard was going to kill us."
"Don't worry, we'll teach him what happens when you show mercy to your enemies."
"Hey guys, I found some stir-fry with ramen."
"The sound genin. What do you want?"
"Zaku, you idiot. That is clearly sukiyaki with ramen."
"What are they talking about?"
"Hey! Sound bastards! Who the hell are you calling stir-fry!"
"See."
"You're right. I'm an idiot. Can we eat now?"
"You know, this is the first time I can remember any meal insisting on being made a certain way."
"Hmm, you're right. It might be a trap."
"Just in case, let's make some onigiri with ramen too."
"Good thinking Kin."
"Idiots."
"...Quit ignoring us!"
"We'll teach you to mock Uzu-nin!"
#Sound Team, Five Hours And A Half Hours In#
"You know, I think they might have been dumplings with ramen."
"No, they were definitely stir-fry."
"...This is why we should have taken a cook-book from sensei."
"At least we still have some onigiri."
"Idiots!"
#Team 9, Six Hours In#
"Neji-san, have you yet to sample the most youthful rations Gai-sensei has given us?"
#End Of The First Day#
Sasuke slept lightly under the roots of a huge tree. The fact that one of his teammates was okay and perfectly capable did little to reassure him while Sakura was out of commission from that strange hickey that weird mist-nin had given her. He had managed to keep his scroll, but was it worth it if he lost his teammate? Of course not. If not for the fact that you couldn't forfeit until actually getting to the tower or waiting out the time limit he would have quit to get her some medical attention already. As it was, the closer he went to the tower, the more enemies there would be and he couldn't defeat an entire three-man team alone. So waiting it out and watching over her was all he could do.
The third genin had insisting on setting up traps, but given the current track-record, Sasuke was much more confident in actual combat, which was sad as he had lost almost all the real fights he had been in. Not to mention he was injured and exhausted.
Sasuke bolted into consciousness, another nightmare playing across his memory before fading. He glanced at Sakura's unconscious form.
Why?
The thought had been plaguing him for some time, why would she leap in between him and an attack. Before he had always written off her affections as a crush that only existed because he was top of their class or because all the other girls seemed to be after him, but now... Now he didn't know what to think. For all he knew she could have saved his life.
The Uchiha briefly entertained the thought of a relationship, but ultimately had to shoot it down. They were teammates, so getting over-attached emotionally would not be a good thing. Besides, he had to marry some of the outer members of the Uchiha clan to strengthen the bloodline, or at least according to the clan restoration act he did. ...Wait, he could marry whoever he wanted, he just had to... impregnate ...some of the outer members. But could Sakura accept sharing him, even if just physically? And could he truly chance her pink hair not being genetic?
Heh, he was getting too far ahead of himself. With a yawn he slipped back to sleep.
#Twenty-Four Hours Later#
Sasuke was tense, but well rested. There was a feeling in the air that just screamed that something was going to happen today, something bad. But no matter what was about to happen, he knew better than to set foot in the field of death that now surrounded the tree Sakura was resting under.
Apparently the idiot teammate he'd never bothered to learn the name of didn't require sleep and was a trap-building master. It was really too bad Sasuke had accidentally sprung one that inadvertently killed him before his work was complete, but at least his position was defended.
And then the squirrel came. Having faith in his faceless teammate's work for once, he let the squirrel enter the death-zone, where it narrowly evaded a senbon launcher by tearing away from a bit of paper on its back, running back off into the denser flora. And then that bit of paper exploded.
What followed was a chain-reaction that left the area littered with dispensed weapons, craters, logs and razor-wire. Though the devastation spread deep beyond the tree-line and literally flooded the clearing, the tree team 7 had settled under was totally untouched.
"See! I told you the chipmunk was a good idea." A voice rose above the silence, prompting the Uchiha to focus his eyes on his hand as he drew a kunai and tried to hear out the voice's exact location.
"It was a squirrel Zaku, this is a chipmunk. Besides, if he didn't know we were here before, he does now." With the second voice another rodent scampered out and towards the tree, only to be scared off as a barrage of shurikens struck everything in the surrounding area.
"Zaku, Kin, shut up. You gave away our location." An annoyed voice barked out as the barrage ended. A hunched form wearing robes, bandages and a haystack rose up, walking calmly forward. "Idiots." The haystack muttered, glaring down the Konoha-nin with its one visible eye.
"Ah, come on Dozu, he's all alone, what can he do?" A broom-headed shinobi with blackish hair replied, rising up from a little ways off of the first figure. He had much more plain ninja-wear with a gray and green camouflage pattern and tabi on his feet.
"Sigh. I wish sensei was here. He'd know what to make of this guy." A slender kunoichi with extremely long black-hair in a deviantly short-skirted and low-cut battle kimono whined, following her teammates. "It really sucks, eating onigiri with ramen all the time. Do either of you even know what goes with Sharingan?"
Sasuke resignedly took out team 7's scroll, knowing all too well that he couldn't beat these guys in a three on one fight yet and his shurikens obviously weren't enough to scare them off. With a casual flick of his wrist the scroll flew towards the hay-stacked one, who caught it with a lazy gesture. "Here. I give up. Take the scroll and go."
"Tsk tsk tsk, this won't do. Our orders aren't to pass the chunin exam, little leaf-nin, we're here to kill you." The haystack replied, slipping the scroll away in his robes.
"Thanks for the scroll though." The kunoichi added, with a wink, while leaning over a bit to almost allow the Uchiha to look down her kimono.
Instead he stared steely into the haystack's eye, taking a slightly defensive stance.
"The distraction tactic isn't working!" The girl whined suddenly, pouting before switching into sorrow. "I'm not good enough for someone about to die to spare a glance at? But they're growing so well, I'm sure I'm bigger than everyone else my age!" With that she cupped her budding bustline and pushed upwards, nearly making them pop out of her top. The Uchiha seemed to struggle for a moment, but managed not to waver. "I knew it! I'll never be married! Wah!" She fell on her bottom as though her legs collapsed, sobbing uncontrollably.
This time Sasuke did glance over, for a split second, to insure she wasn't actually running through hand-signs or preparing an attack while he willfully ignored her. In that instant the broom-head thrust forth his arms and shouted out "zankuha", firing off a wave of destructive force.
Sasuke kawarimi-ed away in response, blowing out a cluster of fire balls as he reappeared. Broom-head turned quickly and blasted the fire balls with his attack, forcing them to dissipate while haystack leapt forward and swatted at the Uchiha. The leaf genin dodged the blow and immediately kawarimi-ed again before he felt the disorienting effects.
Kin scowled at her teammates once she was standing again. "How could you let him get away after that!" She smacked Zaku's head.
"I liked you more as a tomboy." Zaku muttered, rubbing his abused skull.
"What was that?" Kin clenched one fist threateningly.
"I said I liked it more when you weren't trying to be feminine!" Zaku yelled back.
"Trying! Who's trying? I'll have you know I'm-" The kunoichi started, flipping her hair.
"Zaku, you're loud and an idiot. Kin, you're an idiot and you're overcompensating." Dozu shot down their screaming match suddenly. "We need to finish this first then we can argue over how unattractive Kin is." This earned him a smack to the head too, before they collected themselves and started searching the area.
As Kin stepped towards the shelter Sakura was recovering in, the Uchiha broke his cover, having barely managed to throw off the effects of Dozu's sound gauntlet. He hurled a few kunai, picking up replacements from the weapons embedded everywhere. The display was easily stopped by both Zaku's air cannon and Dozu's arm guard. Sasuke braced himself as the trio approached him, until...
"Dynamic entry!"
A green blur flew in between them, narrowly missing the lead sound ninja as they leapt back.
"Yosh! Sasuke, my most youthful rival, I am sorry for interrupting, but cannot allow these most unyouthful sound ninjas to pursue their most unyouthful actions." Lee shouted striking a nice-guy pose.
Sasuke calmed just a bit, three on two was a lot better odds than three on one. "I guess now's the time for you to show off how much hard work pays off, huh?"
The sound three tensed and subtly shifted into slight stances, preparing for an actual fight. Sasuke ran through some hand-signs and spat out a huge fireball, that all three sound genin easily weaved around, advancing. As they started their counterattack, Lee pried a giant root out of the ground to block the air cannon and ducked under Dozu's swing, nailing him in the chin with his weighted foot to send him flying. As the haystack-wearer was wrapped in bandages and hurtled towards the ground, Sasuke distracted Zaku with a hail of kunai and tiny fireballs, preventing him from saving his teammate.
Kin, however, was also capable of saving Dozu. With a leap at top speed she intercepted Lee's dive and knocked his hold loose, flipping Dozu so he landed on his feet with his opponent. The bandages encircling him then sagged and unraveled for no apparent reason. Lee took a deep breath and stood tall, one arm forward, the other parallel behind him.
"What a fearsome technique. That might have been able to finish me, if you hit something hard enough." Dozu told the leaf genin emotionlessly. "I see we'll have to take you seriously, if that technique didn't even wind you."
"Indeed, it is most surprising. Until just now the primary lotus left me completely exhausted, but now I feel as though I still have energy to burn. It is truly the power of youth!"
Zaku leapt between them, suddenly, fully intent on escaping the ever following flamethrower that was Sasuke Uchiha. He fired off another air cannon in the direction he came from before jumping back again. As the next fireball rushed forward, Dozu stepped in front of Zaku and dispelled it with a wave of his gauntlet. At the same time, Zaku turned his air cannons on Lee and launched a higher powered blast than before.
Lee swayed to the side and charged while Sasuke threw out shurikens tied to razor wire. Dozu blocked with an earthen wall as Zaku created chakra scalpels.
"Hey, guys look what I found in his little hide out." Kin yelled, distracting Zaku, Sasuke and Dozu long enough for Lee to land a solid blow on Zaku's abdomen, sending the Oto-nin flying. Lee then glanced as well, only to stare. Kin was holding the unconscious Sakura by the collar of her dress like a fisherman displaying a prize catch. "Sleeping-beauty here was napping in his little hide out. Playing ninja must have exhausted the poor, little girl." Kin mocked, turning Sakura's head to look at her face. "Look at her! She's even got make-up on, can you believe this? Just what the hell does she think being a kunoichi is about?"
"But Kin, don't you always haul around a..." Zaku slowly righted himself, disoriented. He froze, seeing Kin's shadow fall over his crouched form. He was summarily clobbered as his female teammate used the captured kunoichi as a bludgeon.
"Shut up! That's completely different! Don't even pretend to understand!"
"Idiots..."
"Lee, take Sakura and run." Sasuke whispered, plucking a few kunai from the ground.
"But Sasuke... Even for Sakura-chan, I cannot leave one of my youthful companions behind." Lee countered, neither really paying attention to the distracted sound genin as they argued amongst themselves.
"Seriously Lee. One of us has to get Sakura out of here, and you're faster than I am."
"S, Sasuke... Yosh! Your flames of youth truly blaze brightly. We must spar once this is over."
"Yeah, Lee. But you'd better be ready to fight me for real." Sasuke replied, already accepting that he might die here.
And as they turned to face the Oto-nin again, something weird happened.
First the kunoichi flinched then cradled Sakura delicately, an almost reminiscing look on her face as she gently brushed the girl's hair over one of her ears and gazed at her face. "Stupid forehead." She muttered affectionately.
"Kin what the hell are you... My, my body... I can't move my body..." Zaku muttered, taking a vaguely similar pose of cradling something in his arms, moving like a puppet with knotted strings.
"Damn, a trap." The haystack muttered, eying the tree-line warily. He quickly ran through some hand-signs before leaping aside to escape a massive spherical... thing that crashed through the forest towards him. The sound of a poorly tuned, discordant fiddle started playing from every direction as he hopped around, leading the charge of the ball of... stuff. The non-sound ninja, and Zaku, covered their ears to try and block out the terrible sound of off-key fiddle music, preventing them from noticing where he was leading the ball until.
"Shikamaru!" The sound kunoichi shouted, diving ahead of the ball as it rolled into the undergrowth. She just as quickly reappeared closer to Sasuke and Lee, holding two unconscious kunoichi and a very lazy, pineapple headed shinobi. "Whoa, this is an awesome body. Not as good-looking as mine, of course, but..."
"Troublesome. Just how much longer do you think you can hold it Ino?" The leaf shinobi grumbled, settling onto his own feet.
The kunoichi oh so gently set Sakura down, leaning her in Shikamaru's free arm as he shifted Ino's body to one side.
'Kin' smirked and pointed a thumb at herself. "Relax, it's not like I need it too much longer now, is it?"
"Dammit, where the hell are you leaf genin coming from?" Broom-head spat, rising from where he'd been thrown before the shadow-bind broke.
"Freeze. Make one wrong move and miss scantly-clad gets it." 'Kin' shot back, putting two senbon to her own throat. "Now hand over your scroll and we'll be on our way."
"Tch, fine. Not like we really care about the exam anyway." Zaku muttered back, tossing the scroll in a high, underhanded pass.
While the leaf genin had their eyes locked on the scroll, Zaku brought his hands down and fire off his air cannons, nailing Shikamaru in the chest, easily toppling him and also hitting Lee in the forehead, knocking him out and over backwards.
"What the hell are you-"
"Doing? I think it's pretty obvious, we don't care about the exam, our sole goal is to kill Sasuke. Sacrificing Kin would be quite a loss, but she knew the risks and accepted the mission. Besides, I think you're bluffing, just like the Uchiha." Zaku grinned, proud of himself. "After all those smaller and smaller fire jutsu, he's finally out of chakra, Dozu's probably taken care of that thing from early, so those two shinobi were the only threat. Even with Kin's body you're still only a kunoichi and real kunoichi are too weak to beat me alone."
"What, kunoichi aren't weak you... you..." 'Kin' seethed in righteous feminine fury.
"Oh, Kin's not." Zaku swaggered arrogantly stalking towards Sasuke who glared back but otherwise didn't move. "But like I was saying, real kunoichi don't have much chakra and pineapple-head was worried how long you'd hold out for..."
'Kin' shot forward in a blur and was instantly bounced back by a weak air cannon shot. And the fiddle music came back.
Dozu leapt in and narrowly missed the Uchiha again despite his winded condition while Zaku fired off at the trailing orb with full powered air cannons. The sphere shot off and collided with a tree, instantly collapsing into a fa... big-boned ninja.
"About time you got back!" The broom-headed one shouted, firing off weak air cannons at the rapidly improving 'Kin'.
Dozu slammed his gauntlet into Sasuke's ribs and followed up with a kick to the face. All the exhausted and disoriented prodigy could do was try to stagger out of the way. "Idiot. She's being controlled. Knock her out!" To emphasize his point he struck with his metal glove again, this time in his target's stomach, dropping him for the moment.
Zaku nodded and pressed a tiny smoke grenade into one of the wind tunnels in his palms, firing it at her feet. After a quick burst of gas she swayed on her feet and toppled over, asleep.
The blond kunoichi that up until now had been inert groggily sat up and began to draw a kunai. Dozu was already overtaking her though. He gave her a quick, thorough beating, taking care leave her hair and face for Kin to damage when she woke-up. She would need something to take her frustrations out on, and it was better to have a target at the ready. As he finished he tossed her body somewhat near the barely conscious Uchiha. Though he hid it well he was exhausted and very glad that every new arrival was so easily beaten compared to their target. In fact, if he hadn't been so low on chakra when they found him, things might have been different, but as it was...
Dozu grabbed a kunai and stalked towards the taijutsu-user. "Zaku, finish the Uchiha. I'll take care of the other shinobi and we'll leave the kunoichi for Kin to play with."
Zaku shrugged and formed chakra scalpels, walking at a lazy pace.
"Hn. Just more trash I see." Both turned to see yet another Konoha-nin standing on a branch above them, white-eyes glaring balefully at the clearing and the genin in it.
"Wanna repeat that, little girl?" Zaku threatened, lengthening the scalpel blades.
"Idiot, that's a male." Dozu told him, stepping slowly closer to their target.
The white eyed ninja shifted his... her... its gaze across the field to the green-clad shinobi, laying on his back. "Even though he is trash, he is still my teammate. You fools were fated with defeat the moment you chose me as your enemy."
"Neji! Have you found... oh kami, Lee!" Another leaf ninja, this one clearly a girl, alighted to a branch behind the first.
"Damn." Dozu used a quick half-seal to restore the off-tune fiddle music.
Zaku dratted at Sasuke but stopped short as a kunai impacted in front of him. He glanced at the source and saw the newest arrival still in her throwing pose, one hand clamped over her ear. Canceling one scalpel he pointed an arm at her and took more cautious steps, easily knocking her weapons aside using lowest level air cannon shots.
"Kai!" And suddenly the white-eyed one was closing on his position, Dozu trailing after the kuno... the shino... the Hyuga. Zaku canceled his second scalpel to fire off shots to trip up the androgynous ninja while still deflecting weaponry and advancing towards the Uchiha. And then white-eyes frozen and leapt apart from the little fight. "It would seem fate has another end in store for you. Tenten, get Lee."
Then the area was flooded by bright, neon-florescent pink chakra, originating from the until now unconscious kunoichi laying on the pineapple-head's KOed form. She rose, pink glowing marks twisting sinisterly along her exposed skin. At least, as sinisterly as something bright, neon-florescent pink can.
With a "cha!" she was standing over a knocked out Zaku, who didn't even have a chance to react. She crouched before the two semi-conscious Konoha-nin.
"Ino... S, Sasuke-kun... Who... Who did this to you?" The pink-haired girl was almost sobbing, looking at her best friend and love interests' broken and beaten bodies.
"I did."
Sakura turned sharply to come face to face with a guy wearing a haystack. "You... I, I'll... I'll kill you!" She shouted, darting forward faster than the eye could follow, slamming her fist into the guard panels on his gauntlet as he leveled it in a hasty block. He shoved her back and ran through hand-signs as quickly as he could, puffing his chest with air, the pink-haired girl panted and swayed before flying forward in another punch.
And there, struggling to hold the punch back after having caught it, was Kin.
"Dozu... Are we... ?" Kin grunted over her shoulder.
Dozu frowned the nodded, exhaling and canceling his jutsu. "We'll need to retreat for now." He collected Zaku and set out two scrolls before turning to Sasuke's kneeling form. "We'll leave these here if you won't follow us. Kin, come." He leapt off into the tree-line, leaving his kunoichi teammate still locked in a contest of strength.
"Ah, dammit... Dozu, I'll skin you!" She yelled before shoving with all her strength and fleeing as fast as she could.
And the leaf ninjas started recovering.
#Author's Notes#
Wow, I take a last second to review for any mistakes before posting and find twelve. Ha, kind of glad I decided to check.
Rokurokubi - Japanese human-looking monster with extremely long neck. Also not something I imagine one should call one's boss.
Madara - Spot or spots. Yeah, that's right. The main villian in the manga is named Spot. If that doesn't prove the Sharingan is too powerful, I don't know what does. I probably didn't need to translate, since it's a name, but come on, Spot?
Zankuha - I don't know what the hell this actually means. Zaku shouts it whenever he uses his air cannons, so I guess it's the name of them, but I don't actually know.
