A/N - Hallo my friends, and WOW I'm updating super fast right now? Crazy! Let's hope it lasts! Here is Ron/Hermione, as so nicely requested by H o r i z o n s :) enjoy!
'How To Charm Your Witch In Ten Easy Steps'
"Bloody. Stupid. Boy" Hermione growled to herself, punctuating her words with the slams as she threw her books to the table. She was lucky that she was far inside the depths of the library, because otherwise Madam Pince would almost certainly have thrown her out. But as it was, she was alone, and that was one of the reasons she was so angry. Sweet mother of Merlin, she thought, how many hints do I have to drop? How many times do I have to ask him if he wants to 'take a walk'? Everyone knows that 'walks' lead directly to broom cupboards! I think he's just too dense for this entire plan. She sighed quietly, sitting down in the chair and crumpling slightly, as if she was deflating. Maybe I should just throw myself at him and snog him senseless. It worked for Ginny, after all. But first, I need to do my Potions essay. I doubt that Professor Snape will accept 'romantic upheaval' as a reason for not doing my homework.
Ron Weasley was wandering aimlessly through the corridors, deep in serious thought, which was unusual enough for it to be noteworthy. Why did she look so upset when she left? He wondered, confused. To his credit, he honestly had no idea what had made Hermione so frustrated, even if everyone else did. He was, as previously stated, too dense for that. You know, he thought, maybe, when she was asking me if I wanted to go for a walk, she was talking about a 'walk'? She has been acting strange lately…no, not Hermione. Why would she want to snog me? She's way too good for me. She's already dated an international Quidditch star…and I've gone out with Lavender Brown. I wish she did like me like that though. Maybe I could persuade her that I'd be perfect for her? Nah, she'd never fall for it. She's already perfect herself. I need some help. Harry's no good, too busy snogging…Ginny. AARGH! MENTAL IMAGES! Quick – Hermione. Hermione. Hermione. Hermione walking. Hermione chatting. Hermione smiling. Hermione smiling at me. Hermione…snogging me? I definitely need help. Maybe the library has a book on how to make witches like you…I'll go and check. Can't do any harm.
He made his way through the grey stone corridors to the library, and pushed open the tall wooden door, which swung slowly but silently. It was the only door in Hogwarts that wasn't predisposed to creak – it suspected that if it did then Madam Pince would chop it off it's hinges. Ron walked over the wooden floor, his feet muffled by a silenceing charm.
"Hi" he cleared his throat nosily and she glared at him from behind her razor-edged glasses. Madam Pince was not to be taken lightly: a small woman, her robes were always dark and impeccably tailored, giving the impression that the edge of her silhouette could cut you. Her skin was white as the parchment of her beloved books, and her eyes were dark and beady, always darting around and looking for people misbehaving in her domain. Ron was terrified of her. "Um, I was wondering" he continued carefully "if you have a section for self-help books? Like…books about how to make people like you?"
She drew herself up straighter, even though she already had the appearance of having a broomstick glued to her spine, and frowned at him, her thin black brows crumpling together. "Weasley" she hissed "It's always the Weasleys that makes the trouble. Oh, you come in here with your clumpy feet and your loud hair and your thick fingers that fold pages and make them greasy and then you ask me for a SELF-HELP BOOK?" Her voice rose slowly from an intangible hiss to a shriek that was somehow no louder than a whisper. Ron backed away slowly.
"Wow. Um, sorry…I'll just go and look myself then. Right." He walked carefully to the rows and rows of shelves, glancing back nervously.
"Don't touch anything!" She whisper-shouted after him, and he picked up the pace a little, browsing through the maze of shelves as fast as he could to get out of the library!
Why is nothing organised in here? Ron thought, frustrated after several minutes of fruitless searching. They should have a machine that brings you a list of books you might need, and tells you where they are, to make it easier. The-ow!
Suddenly a book flew off the shelf and hit him on the side of the head – hard! He looked down at it, confused. It was dark blue, and covered in velvet so that it felt soft. A small book, the faded gold title read 'How to Charm Your Witch in Ten Easy Steps'. Ron looked around furtively, and, hiding the book under his robes, he hurried out of the library and up to his dorm, which was mercifully empty. Drawing the curtains on his bed, he settled down and began to read.
Dear Reader
First, the writers of this tome would like to thank you for choosing it over the numerous other options you have – we are very grateful! And secondly, young man (or woman), let's get down to business. This slender volume is going to change your life. On the next page you will find the ten steps that will charm any witch, old or young. The rest of the book is dedicated to what not to do, which will hopefully help you in some way as well. Please, proceed, and we wish you the best of luck!
X
Step One: Compliment Her
All witches love to be complimented. It doesn't matter how small the remark is (for example, saying 'that colour really suits you' will have a wonderful effect) as long as it is believable, and she does not feel as if you are mocking her. Saying 'You are a goddess among woman and I worship the blessed ground you walk on' is more likely to get you slapped than anything else.
Step Two: Ask Questions
And we don't mean scary, overly personal questions that pertain to the colour of her underwear. No, simply asking 'What did you do today?' or 'So, what made you interested in …..' will do wonders to start a relationship.
Step Three: Be Chivalrous
You know the drill – open doors, let her go through first, offer to pour her drinks (but offer first, don't smother the poor girl!). It will win you a lot of admiration from the object of your affections.
Step Four: Tell Her You Think About Her
But subtly boys, subtly. Blurting out 'I can't stop thinking about you' is going to scare her away. Casually saying 'You know that you mentioned that Weird Sisters song last week? I heard it playing today and it reminded me of you.' is far better.
Step Five: Make Her Laugh
A sure-fire way to make a girl feel comfortable around you – crack a joke. But please, make sure it is actually funny, and not just an innuendo. Save that for when she already likes you.
Step Six: Look Into Her Eyes
Make a connection – you don't need a charm to meet her eyes and gaze at them for a little while. It will make her feel like you want to be with her.
Step Seven: Find Excuses To Touch Her
Hand holding, fingers brushing, putting an arm around her shoulder. It signals affection…and possibly more.
Step Eight: Leave Her a Flirtatious Note
But make sure she knows it's from you! If you want it to be anonymous, put some clues in it, but this is a great way of getting her attention
Step Nine: Make It Special
Take her somewhere that you've never been before, do something out of the ordinary. It shows that you care about her enough to be creative.
Step Ten: Kiss Her When She Least Expects It
But don't embarrass her. In the middle of the workplace or a lesson is not best, but sneaking up on her for a kiss is quite romantic.
Ron snapped the book shut, his head spinning with the information. Right, he decided, I am going to seduce Hermione Granger. Tonight.
"Hey Hermione" she looked up from her book, startled, as Ron sat down at the table with Harry "You look really nice today, by the way. That hairstyle…um…really suits you." She blushed, pleased, so Ron moved on to step two. "So what did you do today?" She gave him a strange look.
"Well, I had lessons, with you two" she said slowly "And then I did homework. And now I'm at dinner."
"Right, right" he nodded enthusiastically "How was your homework? Fun?" Harry looked at him like he'd grown a second head, but Hermione was quite pleased.
"It was, actually. I had a really interesting assignment from Professor Vector. Thank you for asking, Ronald" She smiled at him, closing her book and reaching for some food.
"Can I pour you some pumpkin juice?" Ron asked politely, brandishing the jug. Straight out of the book, he thought, there's no way she could resist!
"Um, yes please." She dodged the stream that flew out of the jug when Ron poured a little two enthusiastically, but cleared it up with her wand before he noticed.
"Hey, I saw this orange cat earlier and it made me think of you" he blurted out, paling when he realised….
"That was my cat, Ronald"
"Yes…well..umm..Do you want to hear a joke? How many Hufflepuffs does it take to cast the 'Lumos' charm?"
"I don't know, how many?"
"Only one, but he has to find it first!"
They both looked at him, utterly confused. Ron started to panic, so he moved on to the next step. After a few minutes, Hermione spoke again.
"Ronald" she asked nervously "Why are you staring at my forehead?"
"I'm not!" he exclaimed, his eyes snapping away and roaming the hall nervously. He fidgeted, drumming his fingers on the table. Suddenly, his eyes focussed again on Hermione, and he threw himself across the table and grabbed her hand from her lap, before sitting back on his side calmly, as if nothing had happened.
"Ronald!" Hermione screeched as he dragged her forward a little "What in the name of Merlin's pants are you doing?"
Ron looked at her, his eyes wide and slightly crazy. "Nothing!" he protested, his voice high "I just wanted to hold your hand! Hey, come with me!" he leapt up, dragging his friend along, knocking people over as he sprinted after them. Harry watched, astonished, but decided that it would be better to just ignore them. Also, this way he could finish his meal without Ron sprawling across the table to molest Hermione.
Meanwhile, Ron dragged Hermione up two flights of stairs and into an empty classroom. When they got there, he turned and spoke to her excitedly.
"I've never been here before! It's great to do new things together, isn't it?" Hermione started to back away slowly, but Ron was having none of that. He'd just got to step ten, the one he'd wanted to do all evening. He grabbed Hermione's shoulders and kissed her, and (if we're honest) he was so stunned that she didn't slap him he almost missed it when she started to kiss him back! He borke away, shocked. "Whaaa?" He gaped at her gormlessly.
Hermione rolled her eyes at him. "Yes, Ronald. I like you too, when you're not acting as weirdly as you have tonight. Now, let's get back to what we were doing before…"
