**Author's Note** Thank you so much for the reviews and follows! This is Kate's POV again (as you can tell they are switching each chapter). This chapter is rated T. I hope this is heading in the direction you were all hoping for! :)
**Disclaimer** If I had rights to Castle I would buy ten bouncy houses and a giraffe. However, I sit alone with not even one bouncy house, and nothing but a stuffed giraffe.
From the beginning... I mull his words over in my head. Where is the beginning? For as long as I care to remember, he has been there. He has fought tooth and nail for every fraction of what I have given him. And I have repaid him by being a coward. I take a deep, shuttering breath. I was brave enough to drive over here in the middle of the night. I can be brave enough to tell him the whole truth. This is it. This has to be my stand.
He finally takes a seat next to me, careful not to sit too close or too far away. His thoughtfulness is ever present, even in the times when he shouldn't give a damn.
"I-I guess the real beginning started before you even knew I existed. You saved my life before ever laying eyes on me. You were the only connection I had to my mother after she died. Your words pulled me out of myself and my grief. When I met you in person, I was overcome with hero worship that I did my absolute best to hide. And then when you showed up to shadow me, I couldn't believe that you chose me! Of all the cops in New York City, you chose me. Trying to keep my inner 'fan girl' hidden while simultaneously trying to do my job and keep you safe became very difficult to juggle. I think for a long time I convinced myself you were just an annoying class clown to keep from getting to know the real you. But you continued to weasel your way in. I knew I would be done for the second I let myself see all the good things about you. And I was right." I paused to take a sip of water, my mouth suddenly parched from my confession. I took a second to steal a glance in his direction. His brows were furrowed and his lips tight. He did not look like a man who had just been given a declaration of love; so I began again.
"After I was shot, there were so many feelings to work through. I didn't understand how to handle what had happened to me-to us all. I thought removing myself from you, and the situation, would somehow make it all disappear. I'm not saying what I did was right. It wasn't. But burying myself is all I have ever known to do. I have buried myself in grief, work, adrenalin... hell I have buried myself in your books and bubble baths. But I don't know how to bury myself into someone else, to turn to someone in my own time of need. That is why I ran away. Why I never called you. That is why I stayed in therapy. The job requires therapy after an...event... like mine. But I chose to keep going. I could lie and say that it was because I needed help breaking down 'the wall'. That isn't true. You have been doing a great job of that all on your own, believe it or not. What I really needed help with was figuring out why I feel the need to put a wall up to begin with." He shifts on the couch, bringing one leg under his other, turning more towards me. I do the same and try to give him a small smile. He returns the favor, his lips still pursed and brow creased slightly as though still confused. I bow my head.
Here goes nothing, "Rick, I love you. I have loved you for longer than I even want to admit. But I was toxic; I wanted to protect you from me. I thought you deserved better... I still do." My eyes are closed and my face is flushed as I wait for his response. Silence reverberates across the room and I am positive he can hear my heart beating. The familiar feeling of rejection and defeat begins to permeate my soul.
And then I feel his fingertips on my chin. He tilts my head up to look at him. The universe has shifted.
"Kate, I had no idea you were seeing a therapist. I mean, I assumed you had to gain psych clearance to get your weapon back, but I never knew you were still going. I can see that it has helped." He smiles, his first real smile of the night. "And for the record, there is no one better than you. There is no one I want more than you. I will love you, always." His words bring me to life again. I lean into his touch, but he hesitates and pulls back. "But there is something more we need to discuss. Something that I haven't been exactly honest about either."
"What do you mean?" I wait for his reply. He shifts uncomfortably on the couch yet again. His cerulean eyes give nothing away. "I am sure whatever it is, we can work through-" and then he leans forward and threads his hands through my hair. Our foreheads touch and his eyes close; together we breathe. As soon as his gaze meets mine, I arch up and we share our first genuine kiss.
He holds me steady, ever the rock in my unstable existence. I slip my tongue against his lips and he grants me access. Slow and steady quickly becomes heated and passionate. I rise up and we are both kneeling on the couch, kissing and touching like a couple of horny teenagers. As I bite his lips, he moans and pulls me in harder. I feel so alive. My hands are everywhere, touching every inch of him that has previously been off limits. His left hand has not ventured away from the back of my head, but his other hand has come up to caress my cheek. The need to breathe becomes all too apparent, and we break the kiss. As soon as we are apart, he pulls me flush against him. True to his nature, Castle loses his balance and we fall onto the couch. I can't help but to giggle as he covers his eyes in embarrassment. I rearrange myself to lay on top of him. Our legs are intertwined and I am happy to simply dwell in his arms.
"So, what did you want to tell me?" I break the silence, desperately hoping not to break the spell of this wonderful moment.
"Ah!" he exclaims. "I wanted to tell you that, well, you remember the time we saw Forbidden Planet?" He looks at me sheepishly.
"Castle, I already knew you had seen it. You can't pull a fast one on me! You may be a mystery writer, but nothing about you is much of a mystery for me." I laugh at him and he shakes his head.
"Ugh, to be so predictable is dispiriting. Or maybe it is just your amazing Spidey Senses, Detective." He takes a deep breath and holds me tighter. "So, how about some chocolate chip pancakes?"
"It's 3:30 in the morning! Aren't you tired?"
He looks at me, exasperated, and sits us up. "Kate, it is never too early or too late for pancakes. I am also never too tired to make them or to eat them." He takes my hand and leads me into the kitchen. I perch myself on a bar stool while he gathers the necessary materials. I am in awe of how forgiving he is, how patient and optimistic.
I chuckle to myself as I realize this could be my last first date.
"What's so funny?" he asks as he starts measuring flour.
"I just... It feels so nice to finally be on the same page together. To be starting, well, whatever this is, on the right foot. To have everything out in the open. I just can't believe you still love me. Thank you." As I finish my mini-speech, he comes towards me and places a light kiss on my forehead.
"I would forgive you almost anything Katherine Beckett. And I adore you." He gives me a smile and returns to his culinary endeavor. "So, just chocolate chip, or should we add peanut butter?"
I am the luckiest woman in New York City.
