A/N: Thank you so so much for your reviews! You're the best! Sorry for taking so long to update this, I've been working 60 hours this week.
I haven't decided if this is the last chapter for this fic, so I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject!
"What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like".
–Saint Augustine
17:53
She woke up in their bed, a sharp pain running through her. The room was dark and quiet and she was alone. Henry must've carried her upstairs, she realized. She wanted to get up, but her back hurt so badly, she was unable to stand.
Barely reaching for her phone, she texted him. "SOS".
In a matter of seconds Henry rushed into the room, finding her sitting on the bed, tears in her eyes. "Hey hey baby, what's wrong? Are you in pain?"
"Yes. Henry it hurts so much" she cried.
He went to their bathroom to get her pain medications, and she reluctantly took them. She hated the meds. She hated being sick. But the pain was too much to argue with Henry.
"Please, hold me" she begged. It was such an odd sound for Henry to hear. She never begged anyone for anything. Especially not him. It hurt him to hear just how broken she was, how desperate. She wanted more than anything to return to normal, to how they were before this happened, and he was more than willing to follow her lead, but something was stopping her, something was not allowing her to open up to him completely and it was driving him crazy.
He sat on the bed and pulled her to him, careful not to cause her more pain. She rested her head on his chest, clinging to his shirt and waiting for the meds to kick in. She couldn't help but wish the meds would cure her mental pain as well.
20:01
She woke up again. She hated how she was drifting from sleep to awake these days. As a person who is used to working 12 hours a day, it was depressing her that she was in bed all day doing nothing.
She turned around in their bed to find a note from Henry "Didn't want to wake you. I'm downstairs if you need me. Love you" she smiled, thinking how lucky she is to have him by her side.
She got up and headed downstairs, hearing the sounds of laughter coming from the kitchen. Her children were home, cooking dinner together. "Hey guys" she said as she entered the kitchen.
"Mom!" they all jumped together. They haven't seen her in four days and they were worried sick. They wanted to come visit her at the hospital but Henry decided it was for the best if they didn't. The last thing he wanted was to add some more feelings of guilt to her.
They all gave her a hug and Henry jumped to warn them not to hurt her but she nodded to him, mouthing she was okay.
"Are you hungry? Alison is making chicken chili again" Jason said.
"Yeah, I could eat. It smells great in here".
They had dinner together like a normal family. She listened to their stories about their last days and thanked them for the food they cooked for her. And they were happy to know she was doing fine, even if deep down they all knew she was shattered. After spending hours thinking they might have lost her, Alison and Stevie would accept any version of her, as long as she was there.
Henry was quiet the entire dinner. He was watching his family – how grown his kids were, how everything seemed to be returning to normal. He watched her as she ate and smiled as if nothing was wrong. It was painful, really, because he realized that this was just a momentary flashback from their previous life. They were never going to go back to normal. Even when things will get better, and he was sure that they will, Iran changed her. It changed him, and it changed their children. They all lost something and someone the moment she left the house and went there.
The kids cleared the dishes and left them together. They remained at the table in complete silence, not looking at each other, not touching. It felt so weird to be sitting there like that, as if there was some unspoken tension between them and it was unfamiliar because there was never anything unspoken between them.
She finally rose from her chair, kissing the top of his head. It was too much for her to continue sitting there. "I'm going to bed, are you coming?"
Henry nodded, getting up as well, taking her hand in his and walking upstairs to their bedroom with her. They cuddled together in their bed, the TV was on but none of them was actually watching. They were both too busy with their thoughts to pay attention to anything else.
00:01
She rolled over in her sleep to his side of the bed and woke up because he wasn't there. She sighed. They rarely spent their nights together since she returned, and it almost felt like they were estranged. He was worried about her and she wanted more than anything not to give him any reason to.
She heard the noises of Jason's video game she knew too well. She hated that game – it was violent and loud, but somehow it soothed her to know it was just a game, that the gunfire noises are coming from the TV and not from her mind. And it allowed her, even for just a few moments, to live back in a world where the sounds of gunfire were only in a video game and not ringing in her ears with bullets flying over her head.
She went downstairs to find Henry half-lying on the couch, focused completely on the game that he didn't even hear her. "Hey you. Can't sleep?"
"Babe! Hi! Why are you up? Did the noise wake you?"
"No, no. The empty side of your bed woke me" she said as she sat down beside him.
He turned the game off and sat up straight so he was able to face her. He figured that if she was awake, she might be willing to talk, and he couldn't bear the silence anymore. "Babe, you do know I love you, right? I mean, it's not just something I say as a habit".
Elizabeth found it ridiculous that he had to say it, as if she didn't know. But these days, nothing was certain. "Of course I do. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. And I love you too, more than anything".
Henry nodded. "So you know I'm not going anywhere? That we are not going to fall apart? That we will survive this, together?"
She heard his words but it took her a minute to understand he has been reading the same articles she was reading. He was well aware of the slim chances their relationship had according to those articles. And he was fully aware of where it sent her mind to. When they started dating she hated how quickly he learned to read her. She was unable to hide anything from him. And even after years at the CIA, trained as an analyst to crack almost anyone, she couldn't hide anything from him. And this was no different. He knew she feared they would separate, that he will have enough of her and leave. He knew she was unable to keep her mind from going to those horrible words saying over and over again that they had no chance. And that's why he had to promise her they're not going to get into those statistics. They never did, and there was no reason to start now. They always had such great relationship, and they survived where others broke.
"Babe?" he said, caressing her cheek, looking to get her attention back.
"Do you promise?"
"Yes. Babe, you're not getting rid of me that easily" he smiled.
Elizabeth nodded but he could see in her eyes she was not convinced, and he was not willing to let that go. Because he knew that if he would be able to get through to her, to convince her that she shouldn't believe everything she reads, then maybe, just maybe, she would open up to him.
He took her hand in his and ran his fingers on the rings on her finger. It's been so long since he gave her those rings, since he said 'I do' and promised her forever. But nothing changed. "Babe, don't you remember?"
"I do, of course I do. But…"
"No, no but. Nothing changed. I still love you just as much, if not more. I know we've been through hell recently, and I know it's been a long time ago, but babe you are and always will be the only one in my heart. I love you more than anything in the world and I will never leave you. I meant it when I promised in sickness and in health. I need you to believe me, please".
She looked at him, speechless. She never doubted his love for a second, but she was no longer sure love was enough to hold them together.
"Elizabeth… I need you to understand that no matter what you tell me, I'm not going to think any less of you. I am not a runner, never was. There's nothing you can do that will make me run away".
She was crying by now, quiet sobs that spoke volumes. Every part of her hurt because she wanted so much to devote to his words, to crawl into his arms and forget she ever distanced herself from him. "Henry, what if I never get out of this? What if this is the best it's going to get?"
Henry smiled softly. "It doesn't matter. It's good enough for me because you're here. Babe… I thought I lost you. I know before you left we discussed it, and I knew it was an option but I pushed it to the back of my mind and I didn't want to face it until I got the call saying you're missing and they don't know if you're alive. And I had to be tough for the girls, but I was dying inside. I couldn't bear the thought that I will never get to look into your eyes again, never get to hold you in my arms, never get to tell you I love you. And I know we talked about it, but baby I am not going to marry anyone else if something ever happens to you, because you will always be my wife. No one can replace you, and I don't want anyone to. So you see, knowing you're alive, that was enough for me. I can deal with the rest, as long as you're here".
Elizabeth didn't have the time, or the will, to think this through – he was hurting and breaking too because he almost lost her. And she had to understand it because when he was in Dessert Storm she thought she lost him as well and she felt like her world was coming to an end. And even then, when she knew that if he came back, things would be different, she was willing to have any version of him, as long as he was there. This acknowledgement was slowly sinking in, as she slowly realized that if she keeps on shutting him out, it will be like losing him. Because their entire relationship was based on their communication and their ability to be completely transparent with each other. And if she was unable to do it, what was the point?
She finally nodded and he saw in her eyes something has shifted. It was enough for him, at least for now.
He stood, offering her his hand. "Let's go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day".
She followed him upstairs and in their bedroom she slowly removed her shirt. He was standing behind her, watching her every move. He came closer and was seeing her scar for the first time. He felt such pain in his body, as if he had experienced the wound himself. He couldn't stand the thought of her hurt so badly. He brushed his fingers over her skin and she hissed with pain. He wrapped his hand around her and planted kisses all over her shoulders and her neck.
"I love you Elizabeth. I love you so much".
