A/N: Jeez…3 chapters in, no sign a plot…I've taken 'rambling on' to whole new heights. I promise that once the plot ball starts rolling, it will be: a lot more exciting, a lot funny, a lot more readable most probably. I'm sort of creating a little sub-plot at the moment, so bare with me.

This chapter has been a bugger to write (shakes fist at chapter)…. my writers block seemed to be making itself at home and everyone who could help wasn't online. But I struggled on.

Also, I'm just quickly gonna sum up in this chapter how Toni met Lister for those who haven't read 'Deadlier than the male', just some background info you don't really need to know but I like to put it in anyway. If you haven't read 'Deadlier than the male', I don't mind but it might help a bit if you did...plus you'd make me happy!

Boogle: Glad you liked the 'Like a virgin' bit, right at the last minute I go anxious that no one would find it funny. You'll find out what the life form is in this chapter…I'll let you decide if it's evil or not.

Laura: Tally ho indeed! Thanks dearie!

Zombie Kitty: (waves own Cat tribute banner) how'd the web cam go? Curse technology, it's so much smarter than us!

Smegginitlarge: Glad you liked the chapter…sorry for making Rimmer sad…but meh…my story, he's my play thing (not in that way) so what I say goes….(evil laugh)

Thanks guys!

Sunny
XXXX

And now, just for Laura…. something bad happening to Lister.


Rimmer looked mad…but he didn't feel mad. He didn't really know what he felt for sure. Betrayed? Definitely. Jealous? Most likely. Annoyed? Only natural. Hurt? You betcha!

Lister knew full well that Rimmer despised the fact no one loved him (or liked him for that matter) yet he still went the extra mile to drag the subject up.

As the airlock door finally accepted the fact that it was going to be opened so it was best to do it with a minimal amount of fuss, Rimmer allowed himself a dejected sigh.

Perhaps he was being too hard on Lister, after all he'd merely pointed out the truth, much like Rimmer had done with the whole 'Toni out machoing Lister' thing.

Truth was, Lister and Rimmer were guilty of the same crime: being insensitive smegheads.

The best thing for them to do was to 'kiss and make up'…except they wouldn't kiss…. or make up come to that, they'd just agree not to bring up thisarugument for an undisclosed amount of time.

Rimmer's train of thought was broken rather rudely by Lister stumbling in through the air lock. In theory, Rimmer could have set things right there and then, he could apologise for his behaviour and suggest that he and Lister try harder to get on in the future…well…that was the theory.

"You took you're time you drivelling, disgustingly revolting, semi literate, unwashed, brainless waste of space with a bad haircut" he sneered.

Sod being civil, being nasty was a hell of a lot of fun!

Lister rolled his eyes. Typical Rimmer, his idea of ending an argument was to have the last insult. And what did he mean by 'unwashed', he'd had a shower only last week. Lister frowned "I was going to apologise but I don't think I'll bother!"

"Good, because your apologies are like a female Big Brother contestant that won't get her tits out – useless. You just couldn't restrain yourself from rubbing my nose in it could you? You've just got to remind me that you've got a girlfriend and I've got no-one!"

Lister opened his mouth, not to argue but to explain, apologise even but Rimmer held up a hand "don't" he said, staring at the younger man with cold, dead eyes "Just…leave me alone" and with that he turned around and walked off down the corridor

"Rimmer, don't be stupid come back!"

The hologram stopped in his tracks "I'm being stupid now am I?" he yelled back

"Well yeah" said Lister "walking off alone in a derelict with a life sign, we don't know what it is yet…. it could be anything…a simulant, rouge droids, an army of hormone crazed boy band groupies…"

"Well I'd rather take my chances with whatever the hell that life sign is then spend another second in your company" snapped Rimmer, marching off once more down the darkened corridor.

Lister waited a few seconds, to see if he was bluffing. It soon became evident that he wasn't, he really meant it. "Rimmer, if you get into trouble I'm not helpin' you out!" he shouted, but still the hologram didn't stop. "I mean it, man. This time you are on your own!"

"That's fine by me!"

"Then it's fine by me!" Lister yelled back, walking the other way but still watching Rimmer, who replied "Good!" his voice echoing off the corridor walls

"Good!"

"Fine!" hollered Rimmer, holding his head high

"Fine!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

This time Rimmer snapped, this wasn't technically an argument; they were 2 grown men shouting 'fine' at each other down a corridor. Hardly mature, not even by a university student's standards.

"SHUT UP!"

"Arsehole" Lister muttered, thinking Rimmer couldn't hear him.

"I heard that!" yelled the hologram stepping through another airlock but not before glaring at Lister.

"Good! You were meant to" he shouted back "can you hear this?" he waved two fingers at Rimmer, grinning.

"Of course not you dim-witted smeg…you can't hear hand gestures!"

Lister froze before pulling a face "Smeg off, Rimmer!"

"I intend to!" came the reply as Rimmer walked further into the derelict, disappearing into the shadows.

Lister glared angrily at the spot where the hologram had been and eventually gave up, what was the point of looking threatening if Rimmer wasn't around to see it.

So he marched off in the other direction, grumbling to himself. It was only once his anger had worn off a bit did the full extent of the situation hit him.

He was alone in a derelict with a yet unknown life sign. What if it was a simulant? Or something even stronger and more psychotic?

Suddenly the hefty mining laser that he held in his hands felt laughably ineffective. He might as well have been carrying an empty water pistol.

Lister stopped, what should he do?

Find Rimmer?

Get the hell outta there, save his own skin?

Go looking for the life sign?

Out of the three choices, he doubted he'd do the latter: not even Lister was that stupid.

In the end, he decided to carry on the way he was going, if he found Rimmer he'd consider it a bonus (a bonus he didn't actually want, but he if went back the 'Bug without Rimmer, Kryten would no doubt find it morally unsound to have just left him wandering the derelict, even if he'd walked off on his own accord).

Plus, the corridor was starting to give Lister the creeps. It was gloomy, dusty and even the tiniest of sounds echoed off it's cold walls.

Lister shivered as he was gripped with a strange sense of déjà vu. This corridor was very much like the one he'd met Toni on whilst exploring another supposedly 'empty' derelict. It turned out the derelict wasn't empty but was in fact inhabited by war G.E.L.F's.

Toni had chased Lister down a corridor (not the nicest first meeting imaginable) and to cut a long story short, the pair fell in love and Toni joined the Red Dwarf crew.

The hairs on the back of Lister's neck prickled as he swore he heard someone (or something) shuffling in the shadows.

He froze, waiting to hear the sound again, but only the silence could be heard.

The déjà vu was stronger than ever now.

"Rimmer?" he whispered into the darkness.

Nothing.

He swallowed nervously before setting off again, trying not to make too much noise in case the sound could be heard again.

His ears pricked up; yes…there it was again.

"Rimmer, stop playin' games, man" he said, turning round to check no one was behind him.

Lister prayed to God it was Rimmer, if not…well, he didn't really want to think about that.

The silence seemed to roar in his ears, out of the corner of his eye he spotted something move, it slinked through the shadows before racing off down the corridor, the sound of it's pounding footsteps filled the air as whatever it was ran.

Lister chased it, half-stumbling, and half running down the darkened corridor. He turned a corner and barely had time to blink before 'it' kicked him right between the eyes.

Pain spread across his face like wild fire, his nose somehow managed to sting and ache at the same time, he shook his head and blinked in a vain attempt to regain his vision.

He wished he hadn't bother as the second he could see clearly again, he saw a fist hurtling towards him at a sickening speed. He just barely had time to think 'I bet this is gonna hurt' before it hit him.

It did hurt, a lot. He was treated to another whopping helpful of pain, all thanks to whatever he was chasing.

Lister held his arms up to try and fend off his attacker; his senses were too muddled with pain to fight.

He cried out as his arms were grabbed in a tight grip, he was spun round, forced against the wall and both arms were folded neatly behind his back before being yanked up towards his neck.

Although chest and lungs burned and his arms ached Lister didn't seem to notice. He was being catapulted back to his teenage years, nostalgia momentarily blocking out the pain.

Memories flashed in front of Lister's eye…in the park, at school, around town…. someone he once knew used to do this to him.

There was only one person in the world it could be….

It couldn't be…could it?

Lister decided to find out "Charlie?"

In one swift movement, his arms were released and he was turned round, he found himself staring into the face of someone he hadn't seen since he was sixteen years old.

"Dave?"