Thank you to my Beta, Hermioneoftherealworld. I really appreciate you trying so hard to get the chapter to me!
Disclaimer: All of the Twilight characters always have and always will belong to Stephanie Meyers. I enjoy her work, and I may write about it on fan fiction, but that by no means makes it mine.
Hope you enjoy the chapter, and please review.
Meghan
The run with Sam had been beneficial in some ways. For the first time, I really heard the stories that my dad and the other tribe council members had been telling us for years. I still was incredibly pissed off about having to change into a gigantic wolf every time some blood sucking tick was around, but once I got over the shock, it really wasn't so bad. The speed alone pretty much made up for it all.
I'd come back to the woods near my house tired, mentally and physically, and prepared myself for the conversation with Billy that was sure to follow. Sam had wished me good luck and told me that he'd be around just in case I needed him. I'd thanked him, and then slowly sank back into my human self. Sam had given me the pair of shorts that were tethered to his back ankle, so that at least I wouldn't be walking stark naked up my front driveway.
Surprisingly, talking to Billy about all of it wasn't that bad. He'd mostly just tried to assure me that it didn't matter what I was, that I was his son and he loved me. He said he was proud to have a son brave enough to take the responsibility of the tribe on my shoulders. I'd wanted to say out loud that I hadn't really chosen to accept the duty, but felt it would have been just a little too rude. Not that I really minded normally, but it wasn't the right time for it. Just when I'd thought we were done, and turned to go lay down in my room, he'd spoken again.
"Oh, and Jake, Bella called last night. She was worried when you didn't call her." I froze, and turned, my limbs trembling back to Billy.
"What did she say?" I asked. Crap…I knew I'd have to deal with Bella, I just didn't realize that it would have to be this soon. What would I say to her? How could I explain my sudden absence in her life? She wouldn't just take it lying down. If I ignored the phone, then she'd eventually come to see me, and I couldn't have that. Not yet. I wasn't controlled enough to manage my temper around her, and I'd never forgive myself if I did anything to hurt her. Well, hurt her worse than what I was going to have to. The thought saddened me. Billy watched me for a moment, and then finally interrupted my internal monologue.
"She just said that you were supposed to call, and that you were getting sick when you left, and that she was worried about you making it home okay." I waited for him to go on. "I bought you some time by telling her that you were just too sick to call her when you got back and not to come down. But I don't know how long that's going to hold, kid. You'll have to pick up the phone sooner or later and tell her." His voice was sad for me, and I knew in that moment that my father had seen how much I cared for her.
I promised him that I would try to call her as soon as I could think of something to say. But I hadn't been putting forth much effort in the last day to think of anything concerning Bella, much less what to say to her when she finally called again. I knew it wouldn't be as easy as setting the issue aside and it just going away. Bella wasn't like that. It was already nearly three in the afternoon, and I still hadn't even made a move towards the phone. Of course, it would have been slightly more tempting to give Bella a call if the phone had been closer. My limbs and muscles and tendons all ached. There was no burn, no breaking or twisting sensation, but it was like I'd fallen out of a four story building and my body was trying to put itself back together again. The sensation was in no way pleasant.
My dad was up at Sue's house, a little ways away, and I was laid up on the couch. So I wasn't particularly thrilled when the phone, which was out of arm's reach, rang. I growled as I thought about moving. My wolf self didn't seem to feel the after affects of changing at all, but my human body was exhausted and sore beyond all reason. Sam assured me that the pain would go away, and soon, but I hated having to act like an invalid. The phone rang again. "Damn it." I said to myself.
I heaved myself up off the couch with a groan. My legs trembled unsteadily beneath me, and I considered just letting the phone ring. But, it might be important. I groaned again and shuffled myself over to where Billy had left the phone on the coffee table.
"Hello?" I said, and I knew how awful my voice sounded. It cracked on the last syllable of the word.
"Oh, Jake." Bella's voice came through the line, and filled me with warmth. "You sound horrible." I was, but it wasn't even the physical pain that was bothering me. Living without her was what was going to kill me.
"I...feel horrible." I said, honestly. The words came out a whisper. I knew she would attribute the words to pain, and some of it was. But the bigger, underlying pain was lying to her, no matter how small.
"I'm so sorry I made you go out with me." She said, her voice sympathetic. "This sucks." I wanted to scream at her. How could she possibly be holding herself responsible for this?
"I'm glad I went." I said, struggling to keep my voice calm. My racing heart sounded odd against the whisper of agony that was coming out of my mouth. "Don't blame yourself. This isn't your fault." God, I wished I could tell her just how much it wasn't.
"You'll get better soon." She said soothingly. "I woke up this morning, and I was fine." In between all of my other thoughts, what she said registered.
"You were sick?" I asked her. Crap. That sounded too concerned…I had to practice distancing myself from her.
"Yes I got it, too. But I'm fine now." She waited for a moment on the other end of the line while she waited for me to speak.
"That's good." I said. I tried to make myself sound as indifferent as I could. I could almost hear her confusion in her next words.
"So…you'll probably feel better in a few hours." She said. I couldn't tell if she meant to be encouraging, but the words sent up a flare of anger in me. This wasn't some illness that I just got over in a few hours, or days, or months…probably not even years.
I knew she had no idea that the statement would strike a nerve with me, but it didn't change the fact that it did. I was seeing red. I wasn't mad at her…just the leeches she loved so much. Of course, I couldn't tell her that. I had to lower my voice below its normal tone to keep the anger out of my voice when I answered her.
"I don't think I have the same thing you did." I hoped her regular human ears would be good enough to hear it, because for another moment or two, I couldn't risk raising my voice any.
"Don't you have the stomach flu?" she asked, puzzled. I wanted to laugh, but there wasn't any real humor. Just black, sarcastic, irony.
"No. This is something else." I hated that the words still sounded harsh, although I was speaking at a normal volume again.
"What's wrong with you?" She asked and her voice was filled with concern. My anger dissipated even more quickly than it had come. Of course I couldn't be mad at her. Here she was, worrying about me, even when I was going to have to hurt her. I decided telling her a small part of the truth was a gift that I could give her.
" Everything. Every part of me hurts." …Including my heart. I left the last part of my statement unsaid. I was sure the pain in my voice had broken through, anyway. I knew that she'd heard it. And probably read more into it than just physical pain. Hell.
"What can I do Jake? What can I bring you?" I wanted to break down right then and there. The care in her voice was unmistakable. If I couldn't feel the Alpha's command binding my words before they could even fully form, then I wouldn't have had enough self control on my own to keep the secret from her. And then another realization hit me. She'd asked what she could bring…as if she was planning to come to the reservation.
"Nothing." I said roughly." You can't come here." My sentence was short and abrupt. I'd never spoken to her that way before…the only time it had come close was when I was talking to her about Embry and Sam. I shuddered involuntarily.
"I've already been exposed to whatever you have." She said stubbornly. I tried to act as if I hadn't heard her.
"I'll call you when I can. I'll let you know when you can come down again." I didn't mention that it probably wouldn't be this decade if or when she got that call. I could feel myself getting angry again…it was so damn difficult to control! My hands started shaking at the thought of what I was doing to her. I wasn't mad at anyone else this time…just myself.
"Jacob—" she started to say.
"I've got to go." I cut her off quickly. I could feel myself losing control. I wasn't going to be able to keep from breaking the phone if it was in my hand much longer.
"Call me when you feel better." I heard the disappointment in her voice, which only made my hate for me worse.
"Right." I said bitterly. Like I'd ever be able to do that. Like I'd ever be able to pretend that I was a normal human guy again. Or hold her, the way I'd wanted to. And take her out to her out, or go to prom…all the things I'd wanted for me and her. To make her whole and happy again.
All of the feelings that I'd been trying to repress kept throwing themselves up in my face, triggered by the love in Bella's voice. The love for me. That I knew she wouldn't admit…not for a long, long while. Thanks to that damn bloodsucker that'd left her…the fury was getting worse. Building inside me.
She hadn't said anything, and I knew she was waiting for me to add something, or maybe even say goodbye. I couldn't do it. Finally, she spoke again.
"I'll see you soon." She promised. I shook my head, even though she couldn't see me.
"Wait for me to call." I told her warily. If I knew Bella, she wouldn't. But I had to try to believe the fact that she would. If she didn't come…if she was able to stay away from me, then I hadn't meant as much to her as I thought I had. I shouldn't make it a competition in my head; it was really going to bite me in the butt later. But I couldn't help seeing it that way.
"Okay," she said, and I could tell that the conversation hadn't gone the way she'd wanted it to. "Bye, Jacob."
"Bella…" I said. It was both a goodbye and lament. I hung up the phone before she could say anything else. I felt tremors run up and down my body as I darted out the door before I could destroy my house. My body felt less sore, more sure of itself, as if it knew that soon the animal in my body take control. I tried to hold my shape together as I ran by the other houses in the immediate area surrounding my house. The dark and comforting woods were just feet away…
As soon as I was within their comforting boundaries, I let the change that had been fighting its way through me have way, and I felt the shimmer in the air around me that signaled my change. Jared and Embry were in wolf form, running some kind of patrol. Sam and Paul were absent.
Jake? Embry mentally called to me. He wasn't sure how to respond to my reaction. What's wrong? Unable to use words, I showed him my recent thoughts of what had happened. Jared tried to act as if he couldn't hear us, attempting to give us the allusion of privacy. He knew that I wouldn't want him to hear this. Hell, I didn't even want Embry to hear it. That was one of the shitty things about being a wolf, suddenly; your head wasn't your own anymore. You were sharing your thoughts with four other guys, and they weren't thoughts that you exactly wanted to make public. I guess if Jared had really been preoccupied, he could have ignored my thoughts. He heard me, and valiantly thought of Kim instead, his imprinted partner.
Thank you. I told him. I turned my thoughts back to Embry. I don't want your pity. I want to be left alone.
We can't Jake. We're running the border. Sam's orders. He said apologetically.
Why? I asked suspiciously, feeling the edge of excitement and nervousness to his voice.
There's two hikers that went missing. No sign of them except for a couple of drops of blood…according to the human police. He said condescendingly. But it wasn't the humans fault that their sense of smell was so impaired. I'd picked up on where his thoughts were headed. He mentally nodded at me.
Female, by the smell of her, but definitely vamp. No others reported missing yet. But it doesn't look like La Push is her hunting ground. The hikers were near the road headed from here to Forks. The idea terrified me. This creature was headed for Forks? Where Bella sat, unprotected?
Easy, Jake. Embry said. The vampire chick may have just been passing through.
Yeah, what are the chances of her being anywhere near Bella? Jared chimed in. He had decided that the turn of conversation was appropriate for him to join in.
How the hell did she get past us in the first place? I asked viciously.
We didn't know that there was a vampire anywhere near! Jared said defensively. How were we supposed to know to set up a patrol for something that we didn't know was there? I thought about it for a moment and grudgingly decided he was right.
Don't worry. Embry said, trying to soothe me. We'll make sure it doesn't happen again. Paul and Sam will be running during the weekdays while we're at school. We'll take night shifts, and then on the weekends, we'll all run together. And I think Sam intends to do some of the nights with us…he said, more thinking to himself than to Jared and me.
Let's just hope that she's moved on. If she hasn't than we'll take care of her. Jared said to us.
I'd love to sink my teeth into at least ONE vampire…I muttered angrily.
In the midst of the new information, I'd almost completely forgotten about my earlier phone call with Bella. Of course, I couldn't help thinking of the Cullens, and that brought her to the forefront of my mind again. Embry whimpered.
Don't do that to yourself, Jake. I know you really liked her, but you don't need her, you have us now. I snorted.
Hmmmm…beautiful girl that I'm pretty sure I'm in love with…or four guys? Two of which have already imprinted themselves. Decisions, decisions. I said mockingly. Nothing against any of you…but it really does hurt. Both of them were silent. Embry hadn't ever felt as strongly about any girl as I did about Bella, so he couldn't really empathize. Jared, however, was thinking about what he would be like if he'd lost the object of his imprinting, Kim. He analyzed my reaction to his thoughts and bristled. I'd never really tried to listen to him before.
I'd be messed up. He admitted. I wouldn't see the reason for it all anymore…not without her. Finally. He got it. Not that I'd exactly wanted to have this conversation, but it was nice to know that I wasn't just completely insane.
We haven't found anything new. I think we should go to Sam and Emily's and tell him that it's all clear.
Shouldn't we stay out here to make rounds? I asked sullenly.
No vampire is going to attack during the daytime. We're fine for now. Jared assured me. However, I wasn't ready to go back to my human body; to deal with the pain that I knew would come with being able to feel the undiluted human emotions again. I said goodbye to them quickly and headed towards Forks.
It was dark now, so I could run freely along the road. I hadn't realized how long I'd been running along the borders of the reservation with Jared and Embry.
I only stepped back into the boundary of the forest when I heard the distant sounds of a car approaching, which combined with the lack of a large population and the time of night, wasn't very often. I didn't know why I was doing this to myself. I knew that I had to tell her goodbye. I'd already done it, basically, on the phone with her this afternoon. So why I was consciously headed towards her? Towards her home…
I knew the answer. Because I couldn't bear what I knew had to be done. I'd made the promise to never hurt her scarcely forty-eight hours previously, and I was already being forced to break it. Damn those leeches. If it weren't for them, then I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place! The anger flowed though me. I did not rein it in now. I neared Forks' borders I slowed to a trot and moved more stealthily. I took shelter in the woods near the Swan home. As I began to really think again, I noticed something. The woods did not smell like the normal, earthy, homey smell I had come to associate with the flora surrounding the reservation. It stank like vampire. The trails were all old, but they still burned my nose. It was icy and too sweet.
The strongest scent was the mind reading bloodsucker, although I smelled the faint traces of the rest of his coven also. It nearly made me sick. And I wished that I wasn't stuck out here in the woods like some creepy stalker waiting to see the girl I loved. I wanted to be able to walk in the front door, say hi to Charlie, and throw my arms around her and protect her for as long as I could. I could take better care of her better than that bloodsucker ever could, and yet, thanks to him, instead of living the fantasy I wanted, I was waiting out in the woods, protecting Bella from a creature almost identical to him.
I could hear Charlie watching a game downstairs in the living room. Baseball by the sound of it. Bella wasn't with him. I strained my ears to listen for her and finally heard the faint rustling of covers. So she was in bed then. I wondered if she was actually asleep, or just lying there, thinking of our conversation this afternoon. She mumbled some, but the words were just low enough that I couldn't make out what she had said.
Minutes more past and Charlie shut the TV set off. I guessed that he went to bed too, and soon I heard snoring from his side of the house. I moved closer to the house…if Bella said anything, I wouldn't be able to hear it over that roar. I lay down near the foot of the house, right under her window. I reminded myself that I was supposed to be here to protect her, and not to eavesdrop. But it was just so tempting to lay there and pretend that things could be normal between us. I would hear if anyone… or anything…came close to the house, and I would definitely smell a vampire if it got anywhere near me. So I was content to lie there, and daydream about what would have been between me and Bella. What could be, maybe. One day. I heard Bella move again under her covers, and she mumbled.
"Too green." Too green? Maybe she was dreaming about the forest then. Well that was nice. I loved all the greenery and the woods.
"Where? It has to be…" she didn't finish the sentence, but her voice sounded urgent, and just a little afraid. I wanted to scale the window and tell her it would be all right, even though I knew she was asleep and wasn't really in any trouble.
"No, no…." Her voice was rising. What on earth could she be dreaming about? Then, while I was contemplating, I heard a heart wrenching scream. It came from Bella's room. I jumped to my feet quickly and looked around. Was there something I had missed? I took a quick sniff of the air. Nope, no vampire stench. No fresh human smell either. So there was no one attacking the house. Bella's scream died off, and I knew that she had woken because there was a heavy breathing, and I could almost feel her terror floating through the half open bedroom window. I vaguely noticed that Charlie's snores had stopped, but there was no sound of footsteps, no comforting voice to tell me that he had gotten out of bed and come to reassure her.
Was this such a regular thing then, that Charlie had stopped going to check on her whenever she screamed? Were these nightmares the reason that she looked like a ghost, the dark circles under her eyes, and the general lack of healthiness about her? There were muffled tears now, probably silenced by a pillow. I felt my heart tear another piece of itself off for her. Why, why, why did things have to be this way? I wanted to be able to console her, and tell her that I was there for her. But I couldn't. Because I was not allowed to be there for her…forced to follow rules for her safety. I felt a giant tear roll out of my wolf eye and fall down into my fur.
Eventually, her tears quieted, and her breathing became regular again. Had she gone back to sleep? For a moment, I considered trying to just take a quick peek in and make sure that all was well, but I realized that if she were awake, she would see me, and even if she didn't…well I was feeling more stalkerish by the second. The guy part of my brain wondered what kind of nightclothes she slept it, or if she slept in them at all.
I wrenched my brain away from the thought. Bella was my friend. I wouldn't degrade her by thinking of her that way. It would be different if she were actually mine, if I'd-My thought was cut off as I heard her turn over again. And she made a soft sound.
"Jacob…" she murmured. I thought I might be hallucinating; my brain simply conjuring up the words because I'd be thinking once more of the life we could have together. But no, I couldn't have…I was unsure.
"Jake." Bella whispered again. She was dreaming about me. The thought made me so incredibly happy that I could barely contain it. She was thinking about me! I wanted to jump for joy. And then, reality brought me crashing back down to earth. Reality made me realize that no matter if she was thinking of me, whether subconsciously or not, it couldn't matter. Even though it let me know that I was on her mind, I shouldn't care. Because I couldn't be around her. And this just made it worse.
Reality freaking sucks.
