Beautiful Oblivion

My first NCIS story. The team is involved in a shoot out in an abandoned warehouse. One member is injured. Love and tragedy are inevitable. Kate/Gibbs romance. The POV is Gibbs'. Please read and review!

Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS and neither do you. Let's all pull an emo; sit in the dark and cry about it. I don't own the poem Funeral Blues either; it belongs to W. H. Auden, one of the most brilliant poets on the face of the planet.

Chapter 3: Funeral Of Hearts

I woke up and reluctantly got out of bed. It was the day of Kate's funeral, and I had taken it upon myself to eulogize her. I missed her terribly, we all did. Thankfully, Ducky, Tony and McGee had been more than willing to be pallbearers alongside me. I showered and dressed quickly before making my way to NCIS. I was meeting the team there. We would mourn her as an agent and a friend publicly. I would mourn her as a lover privately.

I drove to NCIS reciting the eulogy in my head. There was so much that I wanted to say, to tell the world about the Kate that I had fallen so much in love with, but there wasn't nearly enough time in which to say it. I quickly arrived at HQ and realized that it was only 7:30 am. No one would be arriving until 10:00 am. I was just anxious to get through the funeral and get through the day. As I rode the elevator up to the offices I took a deep breath and swore I could still faintly smell Kate's delicate perfume mingling with the dusty elevator odor.

When I reached my floor I stepped off of the elevator into the bullpen. There was a soft white light peeking over the wall of Kate's cubicle. I cocked the gun at my hip and edged toward the desk. When I reached the corner I heard quiet sobs echoing through the room. I stepped around the wall and found Abby sitting at Kate's desk with tears streaming down her cheeks. That's when the loss really hit me for the first time. I knew I wasn't the only one who would miss her, but seeing Abby sitting there, crying, I realized that others shared in my pain and it added to the grief that I already felt.

I strode quietly into the cubicle and crouched down in front of Abby, tears threatening to fall from my own eyes. She jumped slightly when I put my hand on her shoulder, but quickly turned to face me and wrapped her arms around me. I held her there, whispering softly, trying to assure her that everything would be okay. Convincing myself was a whole other matter. After a few minutes Abby's flood of tears slowed to a persistent trickle and she pulled away.

"I'm sorry, Gibbs," Abby sobbed.

"Its okay, Abby," I replied.

"Thanks. I just came in this morning and realized that I can never chat with her again before you throw another case at me. That she can never share in my laughing at Tony for something again. I miss her, Gibbs," Abby said lightly.

"I do, too, but she would have wanted us to go on with our lives and be happy. It's hard, even for me, to ignore the pain of grief, but we have to stay strong and move past this together," I said reassuringly.

Abby nodded barely noticeably. I stepped closer and hugged her again, hoping the sentiment would make up for the difficulty of coping, at least for the moment. We separated and walked over to my desk. It sounds cheesy and cliché for me to say it, but we sat and remembered all the times we had with Kate, both good and bad. It was something that had to be done. If we didn't remember then we couldn't heal. Shortly after, Tony arrived. He looked surprised to see us sitting there, and frankly, I was surprised to see him in early.

"Good morning, boss. Abby," Tony said quietly.

"Good morning. Come sit down," I invited.

I thought about Tony calling me boss and realized that it was now just an unnecessary reminder of my seniority over him. Without Kate around, I didn't have to flaunt my authority, because I didn't have to protect her from him. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. Looking over at Tony, I realized the tears shining in the young agent's eyes.

"How have you been, Tony?" I asked.

"As well as can be expected. I miss having Kate around to quarrel with. I miss all of the jokes, the sarcasm, just everything. It's gonna be hard going on without her." Tony admitted.

"Yeah, and the hardest thing is there's no easy way to say it. There's no way to describe how it's going to be without her. It scares me to admit that I drew on her strength for my own crazy power trips and that now that she's gone I don't know what to do with myself." I said solemnly.

Tony and Abby stared at me open-mouthed. I know they didn't expect what I had said. Hell, I hadn't expected it, but if I didn't get it out in the open I could never live with myself. Admitting it to them was the only way I could admit it to myself. I sighed and ran a hand over my face. I glanced at my watch. It was 9:30 am; the rest of the team would be arriving at any moment. The three of us sat in silence until Ducky and McGee showed up. I stood up to greet them when I heard them step off of the elevator. Ducky and I embraced and I saw the tears shining in the older man's eyes when I stepped back. McGee also looked like he had been crying. They missed Kate, too, but not nearly as much as I missed her. We stood around talking for a few more minutes before heading out to the funeral parlor. My heart raced as I realized that in a short while I would be up at the altar, eulogizing Kate. What would I say? Suddenly I forgot everything I wanted to say to the crowd. There wasn't one thing that I could say from memory; I knew I would have to get it out in a heartfelt but detached impromptu speech. I had to think clearly, otherwise I would end up saying more than I meant to. We arrived at the funeral parlor and stepped inside.

"This is it," Abby said quietly.

At that moment I regretted requesting an open casket service. I didn't know how I would react at seeing Kate laying there. When she had passed away at the hospital, she looked like she had been sleeping, I wondered if the same held true now. I felt a hand on my shoulder, urging me on. I didn't even turn around to see who it was; it didn't matter. I was just grateful for their support. I walked into the room where Kate's coffin lay open in trepidation. The five of us walked down the aisle between the pews toward Kate's casket. As we approached the front I got my first look at Kate's still form. She still looked angelic, as if she was only asleep and would wake up any minute. It was heart wrenching to look at her knowing it was the last time I would be seeing her. We stood silently mourning our loss for a few minutes before taking our seats in the front of the room near the altar. The minister walked up and silenced the dully chattering crowd. I then realized that the room was full to capacity. Friends, some distant family that Ducky had managed to scare up, coworkers and even just passers by were gathered to say their goodbyes. I listened inattentively as the minister droned on.

"Are you ready, boss?" Tony asked.

I snapped out of my reverie and realized it was almost time for me to eulogize. Then we would get a final few moments to see Kate and they would close the lid on her for good. However, that didn't mean they could close the lid on my feelings. The emotions I felt towards Kate couldn't be locked away and buried by something as simple as death. Tears threatened to fall from my eyes but I forced them back. I could cry later, privately, but right now I had to focus so I could get through this. It was my last rational thought before the minister waved me up to the podium. I felt like I had attempted to swallow a tennis ball and it was now sitting on top of my larynx. I cleared my throat and allowed my lips to form the words that would be Kate's goodbye to the world.

"Most of what I'm going to say about Kate has probably crossed all of your minds at one point or another. She was the best field agent I have ever had the honor of working alongside. Special Agent Todd was determined, motivated and intelligent. However, there's more to this story than just Kate's professional life. She was also a close friend. She found a way into my heart easily and kept me close when I pushed her away. I've never admitted it to anyone before, and I only admitted it to Kate at the last minute, but I loved her. She touched the heart of every person she met, and left a lasting impression. Now, all we have is the memories, the phantom feelings of warmth and happiness, of the aura of level headedness she always carried with her. We must mourn her, as a coworker, a sister, a daughter, a friend, but most importantly a saint. She will live on in us forever. God bless your soul, Kate," I said somberly.

On my way down from the altar, I took one last look at Kate's still form. The silhouette of her slender frame would follow me everywhere. I would see her out of the corner of my eye at work, in the back of my mind at home. I stopped at her casket and placed a kiss on her forehead. As I stood, a lone tear fell from my eye and landed on the creamy contour of her cheek. I brushed it away and went to take my seat. I felt numbed to the core. The minister returned to the altar and said a final blessing before Kate's casket was closed forever. Ducky, McGee, Tony and I readied ourselves to carry the weight of her death on our shoulders. I had asked them to be the pallbearers for Kate's funeral, and they readily agreed, much to my relief. The pain of loss sat heavily on my chest, almost suffocating me. I looked around at the others and saw the sadness in their eyes, too.

We carried the coffin from the church to the hearse, slowly dragging our feet, each step more difficult than the last. The procession to the cemetery was slow and mournful. Once we reached the cemetery, Tony, McGee, Ducky and I again carried the casket, only this time we carried it to its final resting place. We gathered around the grave and looked down at our feet. There was nothing to be said, yet so much to be expressed. I closed my eyes and swallowed the lump that was building in my throat, trying to remember the poem that would be Kate's sendoff. The minister again said a few quick words of blessing and I stepped up to the podium. I closed my eyes, picturing the words, forcing myself to say them aloud.

"Funeral Blues seems like the most appropriate title for the way I feel. This is my goodbye to Kate. It is the same poem that is printed on the tombstone. It's the best way for us to remember her," I said.

I cleared my throat again before speaking, my voice cracking with emotion.

"Funeral Blues, by W. H. Auden.

Stop the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let Airplanes circle moaning overhead,
Scribbling on the sky the message She Is Dead
Put crepe paper bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
She was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love could last forever; I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Goodbye, Kate.Rest in peace," I finished.

Ducky gave me a reassuring pat on the back as I rejoined the group. Each and every person in the crowd was in tears. Tony held Abby close to him and whispered reassurances as sobs racked her body. This was going to affect us all differently for the next while. When the minister was finished blessing Kate for the journey into the afterlife everyone slowly cleared off. Only the five of us remained at the gravesite. We stood back and each of us had a chance to walk up and place our flowers on the grave, then say a few final words. I stayed behind, there was nothing left for me to say. There was just an unspoken covenant. The promise of eternal love and remembrance.

That day we all drove to our respective homes in silence. Knowing that I could never share the light of a sunrise, the warmth of a fire in the hearth, or even the chill of the frosty night air with Kate again made me want to detach myself from the world. I could so easily pull the plug, but I wouldn't let myself. I had the rest of the team to support me to get through this, and they needed my support, too. The day passed slowly and I sat in the study, motionless, thinking. I soon decided that a few hours of sleep would suffice before I would return to the bullpen. At least when I slept I could be closer to Kate than my conscious mind would ever allow me to be. Maybe one day I would come to terms with Kate's passing, but at that moment, that day was nowhere in sight.


A.N.: What did you think? I've never had anyone die on me before, so I don't know how most people would react. This is my opinion of how Gibbs would react if he ever allowed himself to love again. Tell me what you think, please review! Thanks to all my readers, I love you guys! -Julia-