Title: My Sundown
Category: TV Shows » Rizzoli & Isles
Author: Alwaysbringback-up
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T
Genre: Drama/Angst/Friendship
Chapter 3: The Reason
Pairing: Jane/Maura
Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the R&I universe. All characters belong to Janet Tamaro. I promise that my writing is done purely for recreational purposes only. No ill harm is intended.
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When Jane pulled up to Maura's home all was quiet. The wind was gusting outside and blowing the branches of the large oak tree in Maura's front yard in wayward directions. There was a lone light shining on the porch, but Maura's car was gone. Jane let out a sigh, as she cut the engine. It looked like it was going to be more of a stakeout than she planned for it to be, but she didn't mind.
She was just very grateful that in her rush to leave, she'd remained pragmatic, and had thought to bring some blankets and the thermos of warm black coffee, to keep warm. It was a simple task to complete, but as she learned from valuable experience, the details mattered.
And so, with little preamble Jane set in for a long wait. Maura could be gone for five minutes, or out for the whole night. With a pang of jealousy and regret, Jane tried not to think of what it would mean if Maura didn't come home. Still, her mind wandered, and as more and more time ticked by, Jane couldn't deny the possibility that Maura was with someone else.
After draining most of her coffee, Jane called Maura's cell and home phone again. Both went directly to voicemail, and Jane's mood bottomed out. "Come on, Maur," Jane questioned as she hung up her phone, "Where are you?" Jane let out a sigh, tried to rub the sleep from her eyes, and answered herself.
"She's probably with someone," Jane spoke aloud to herself. "Receiving the love that you were too stupid to give her." Jane smacked her own forehead in frustration, hating the whole situation. She wanted to be angry, but knew that she had no right. That was the worst thing about it all. Jane didn't have a right to be anything.
After that last phone call, Jane started getting restless and hopped out of her car and went to the front door to knock on it again. There was no answer, and so she walked back to her car, pulled out the blankets, and the rest of her coffee, and walked over to Maura's porch. She sat down on one of the blankets, and bundled the other around her shoulders in a vain effort to stay warm. She imagined that she looked quite out of place, a vagrant in an upscale neighborhood.
"Come home, Maur," Jane muttered, as she wiggled back and forth, she was starting to lose all feeling in her extremeties. She cupped her hands to her mouth and blew on them for forcefully for warmth. A white cloud of vapor dissipated and was gone.
It wasn't for another three hours, that Maura pulled into her driveway and got out of her car. Jane jumped up, but groaned as her cold, stiff body resisted any movement whatsoever. She started jumping up and down, trying to bring warm blood to her feet and hands.
Maura was slow to get out of the car, and Jane could only figure that the blonde, had seen her and just didn't want to deal with Jane. The blonde M.E. might even be thinking of getting back into her car, and driving away before Jane could do anything.
Fortunately, for Jane, she didn't.
"Maura," Jane called as she watched the blonde approach hesitantly. "Hey," Jane greeted. "I've been waiting for you for hours. Where've you been?" She knew that she really didn't have any right to ask that question, but she hoped that Maura would answer it, nonetheless.
"Jane," Maura greeted her curtly. Jane stood by; watching as Maura unlocked the front door, walked inside, and shut the door in Jane's face.
"Oww," Jane who had been only a couple of steps behind her friend, hissed as her nose took the brunt of the force of the door. Jane's hand shot up to her nose and pinched it at the bridge, searching for any sign of a break. "Fuck." She hissed again as blood started to trickle down from her nose and drip from her chin.
Maura apparently had a sudden change of heart because the door opened a moment later.
"Jane?" She looked at Jane, looking amused.
"Shit, Maur," Jane whined. "That hurt."
"Yeah," Maura said flatly, "Well, now you know how I feel."
"If you want to act all wounded, that's fine," Jane said, though her hand pinching her bleeding nose muffled it. "But I came here to tell you that I want to be with you too. Maur, I love y-"
"Don't say it," Maura cut her off. "Not when it means something different to you than it does to me."
"Who says that I don't mean it the way you do?" Jane asked. "Look, can I come in, and talk, or should I just go home?"
"Fine," Maura conceded, you can come in, "but don't you dare get any blood on the carpet."
Jane wanted to mutter, "Whose fault is that?" but somehow managed to hold her tongue.
"I'll be right back. I'm going to get one of your spare shirts." Maura left Jane standing in the foyer and Jane, careful not to get any blood on it, peeled off her jacket and slung it over the back of a chair. She caught a glimpse of her currently grotesque looking face in the mirror and nearly laughed. She was a mess from head to toe.
"Here," Maura's soft voice had Jane jumping slightly, she turned to Maura's outstretched hand, and gently took the t-shirt from the beautiful woman's grasp. "I guess it comes in handy to have clothes at your friend's place. I always thought it a bit peculiar myself…It almost made it seem like we were a…"
"A couple?" Jane finished softly. "Yeah," Jane couldn't help the smile. "I've thought that too."
"Let me take a look at that," Maura gestured for Jane to step closer and reached up to palpate the cartilage and bones in Jane's nose. Jane hissed and tried to pull away, but Maura reprimanded strongly. "Hold still!"
"You're hurting me," Jane whined.
"Almost. Just give me one second. I just have to…" Jane felt Maura's fingers make and adjustment and felt immediate relief. "Ah. There!" Maura looked proud of herself. "That should help. Although, you really should stop injuring…"
"You're the one that slammed the door in my face!" Jane interjected.
"Yeah?" Maura challenged with hands suddenly on her hips, "Well, you made me mad!" Jane almost wanted to laugh, almost. She knew that Maura would be even more upset with her if she did, but the blonde just looked so adorable when she was angry.
Instead, to hide the look on her face, Jane reached up to her neck and in one quick motion wrenched the fabric of her t-shirt over her head. Maura had no time to turn around, but wasn't sure she would have been able to, even if she had had more warning. Maura felt heat flood her body as her eyes met the toned skin of Jane's abdomen and lower back. Jane seemed to be unreceptive to the way Maura was breathing much too fast. She just concentrated on getting one shirt off, and another shirt on.
When she was finished, she asked. "So," Jane breathed. "I know I've already apologized, but…I have to apologize again, Maur. I was totally unprepared for what happened…" She sputtered, "I mean… it was very overwhelming and I handled it the wrong way. I'm sorry. I need you to give me a chance."
"Look," Maura said frankly, "If you really want me to give us a chance, then you're going to have to give me a good reason to, Jane." Maura ran her hand over the back of her neck as she added. "I'm sick of being stuck in this limbo we're in." Maura looked away, "I care about you a lot, Jane, but I can't wait forever. And I'm sick of being the only one who is making the effort."
"Oh," Jane hissed, "So it's my fault?" Jane felt frustrated and she nearly growled as she said. "I didn't even know you liked me, until you kissed me!" Jane took a deep breath. "And can you really blame me for not knowing? You're straight, for god's sake. God only knows how many times I had to listen to you gush about your dates with men that are twice my pay grade."
"I'm not the one with a boyfriend, Jane," Maura shot back. "I mean…sure, I've dated my fair share of men, but at least I didn't make you listen to graphic details of my sexual encounters."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Jane asked, not sure what to make of it.
"Exactly what it sounds like," Maura retorted. "I was never the one you wanted. You'd rather be with Casey."
"That's not true," Jane objected. "I'm trying, Maura," Jane said earnestly. "I broke up with Casey, and I'm willing to admit that I never loved him. I thought I did, but I was disillusioning myself. There's only one person I want. And that's you. I just want you, Maur."
"I wish I could believe that," Maura practically whispered. "I really do."
"Ugh," Jane squeezed her eyes shut and tugged on her hair. She couldn't take it anymore. "I can't do this anymore. I can't take it." Jane breathed as she finally let go and stood up. Maura's eyes followed as Jane walked back and forth, her hands curled into tight fists. "Look at us, Maura!" Jane said finally. "Look at what we've become!" Jane commanded. "We can't even stand being in the same room together! This has to stop. This stupid mistake has ruined our friendship. It has to stop."
"Jane," tears sprang to Maura's eyes as she realized Jane was right. What had happened to them? Jane's heart broke as she saw the look of pain in Maura's eyes. Jane took a deep breath. They had to figure things out before there was nothing left of their friendship to salvage.
"Casey was nothing but a placeholder, Maur," Jane admitted finally as she sank down onto the coffee table in front of Maura and leant forwards. She gently took Maura's hands in her own and gave them a squeeze. "He meant little to me and I thought that you would understand that." Jane's jaw clenched tightly as she struggled not to lose control of her feelings. "I just wanted someone… someone who could make me feel wanted. Needed."
"And I didn't?" Maura's voice broke. "I didn't make you feel wanted?"
"No," Jane choked out honestly. "You didn't." Jane ran a hand over her face, trying to ease the tension in her jaw.
"What can I do to make you feel wanted?" Maura asked Jane sadly. "Because I do need you. I care about you, Jane."
"No you don't," Jane shook her head sadly, "See, that's just it. That's what I'm trying to say. You don't need me, Maura." Jane took a ragged breath and then continued. "That's why I never said anything about my feelings. The men you see are smart, successful, compassionate, and I… I can't compete with that." Jane stared down into the grain of the wood floor between her feet. "I gave up trying to compete with them a long time ago. And I'm still not sure that I ever could."
"I… I don't understand how everything went wrong," Maura whispered as she met Jane's eyes. Jane retracted her hands, breaking her contact with the honey colored brunette, and closed her eyes. She let out a deep sigh as she slumped forwards.
"It's not your fault, Maur," Jane answered, deciding to offer Maura some sympathy after seeing how lost Maura truly was. "It's mine. I went about everything the wrong way. I thought you could see how much I was hurting." Jane swallowed.
"I see you're hurting now," Maura spoke softly. "I'm so sorry I didn't see it sooner. I thought you were happy with the way things were."
"I… I tried to be," Jane confessed, "I tried so hard to be happy with the way things were. It's just that I was in love with you, and I wanted so desperately for you to feel the same way about me that I... I gave up a part of myself to make you happy." She fought the tears building in her eyes. "There were so many times I thought, you'd find the perfect man, and I'd be left behind. So I figured…that if I was going to lose you regardless of what I did…I thought that maybe it wouldn't hurt as much if I had someone to take care of me…even if it wasn't you."
"Jane," Maura's voice broke as tears spilled over and trickled down her cheeks.
"Only instead of realizing that you were in love with me like I imagined, you… you never said anything and I just gave up. Sure, it was hard. It was hard for me to accept that I just wasn't that person for you, but I dealt with it." Jane let out another breath as her heart felt like it was breaking all over again. "I disillusioned myself, and now I can't be around you because it hurts too much to think about how badly I hurt you. It hurts to know that I'm not good enough…" Jane reached up to rub at her burning eyes. She hoped that she wouldn't cry in front of Maura. "I'm sorry."
"Jane," Maura's heart also felt as if it were broken. "I'm sorry too." Jane nodded, not trusting her voice.
"How do we fix this, Maur?" Jane breathed. "Because I can't lose you. Please…" Jane finally rasped, and though it was a statement, it had a bit of a question implied. "Tell me we can fix this somehow."
"I'd like to believe that we can be friends," Maura whispered. "But I just don't know anymore." Jane swallowed again. "I… I think that I need some time." Jane stared at her looking as if she were having trouble comprehending the beautiful blonde's words. "Maybe…" Maura paused, swallowing over her dry throat. "Maybe it would be a good thing for us to take some time away from each other for a while."
"What?" Jane replied, seemingly horrified by the suggestion. "No. Maur, no."
"I can't deal with this right now, Jane," Maura swallowed. "Don't you understand?"
"I understand that I hurt you," Jane breathed. "But Maur, I…I love you too."
"No," Maura shook her head. "We're talking about two different kinds of love here. You can't say that. Not to me." Maura couldn't bear to look at her anymore. "I'm too tired for this," Maura said finally as she stood, "I'm going to bed. You should go home, Jane, it's getting late." Maura suggested as she started walking to her bedroom. Jane watched her go, wincing as Maura vanished out of sight and slammed the bedroom door shut behind her. Jane stared at the obstacle her for what seemed like an eternity. Finally upon hearing nothing more than silence, she let herself out. Maura waited a couple of minutes and then walked back to the front door to lock it. It looked like it was going to be a long night for her. Maura had no doubt that the early hours of the morning would be wrought with sleepless delirium. She had just slid the chain into place when a knock on the door had her cringing. She looked through the peephole to find Jane on the other side, looking ruffled. Maura squeezed her eyes shut as Jane knocked again. Slowly, she unfastened the chain, undid the deadbolt, and opened the door.
"I forgot my…" no other words made it from the detective's lips as she was assaulted by Maura's lips. She moaned into the kiss as Maura's hand reached out and fisted Jane's shirt, pulling the brunette inside. Jane slammed the door shut with her foot, and then turned and pushed the blonde against it with considerable force. This only made Maura want Jane more. She liked it when Jane was riled. It was like a special game of cat and mouse. They fought much too often, and Jane knew they'd be at ends again tomorrow, but she just couldn't fight it anymore. She couldn't resist Maura. If only the young doctor knew what she was doing to Jane when she claimed Jane to be lying about her feelings. Jane finally knew without a doubt that she was in love with her best friend. And yet, Maura made Jane feel like it was all a lie… like what they were doing didn't mean a damned thing to Jane, and that wasn't the case. In fact, it couldn't be further from the truth. Maura meant everything to Jane. But maybe if she stopped caring it wouldn't hurt when it all fell apart.
"I want you," Maura breathed into Jane's ear as the brunette let her hands fall away. Maura didn't want her to stop.
"You say that now," Jane muttered. "But if something happens, are you going to regret it tomorrow? I don't want to be one of your regrets tomorrow."
"Why?" Maura asked with her eyes darkened with heady desire. "Are you?"
"No," Jane said honestly, "Of course not. I could never regret you. I've wanted this for so long." She held Maura's eyes, letting the blonde search Jane's eyes for whatever it was that she needed to be sure of Jane's sincerity.
"Maur," Jane pleaded softly.
"No," Maura growled, turning away. She quickly looked around for whatever Jane had left. "What did you leave?" she asked Jane. "Where is it? Take it and go…" she instructed.
"Maur," Jane turned Maura around and grabbed Maura by the jaw before the blonde could pull away, crashing her lips against Maura's soft glossy lips. Maura kissed her back with just as much force. Hands roamed as tongues battled for control. Jane broke away when the need for oxygen became more important than the kiss they were sharing.
"Tell me to go, and I will," Jane challenged, thinking that there was no way the blonde would turn her out at this hour. Maura said nothing. Instead she searched. The blonde M.E.'s eyes finally fell over Jane's coat draped over her chair. She had two options. She could feign ignorance and take Jane to bed. Or she could send the brunette on her way.
She was terrified to give herself over to Jane. She didn't want to let Jane inside, out of fear that the brunette would suddenly decide that she'd rather be with Casey after all. She wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to make it back from that sort of rejection if it happened.
Jane waited patiently for some sort of sign, not wanting to push the blonde to make a snap decision. She wanted to respect Maura's choice, no matter what it was. She watched, frozen, as Maura walked over to Jane's coat and slung it over her arm. She walked back over to Jane and stopped in front of her, with a sorrowful look on her face.
"O-Okay," Jane's voice cracked. "Fair enough." Jane took the coat from Maura with great care, avoiding touching the blonde.
"I'm sorry, Jane," Maura breathed aloud.
"Hey," Jane forced a smile. "Don't be sorry. You're not the one who should be sorry. You can't help how you feel. I…I hurt you." She took a staggering breath. "I just hope that I can regain your trust some day," Jane said softly. "Just…take whatever time you need, and give me a call when you're ready to see me again," Jane spoke levelly, while holding Maura's eyes. Jane stepped forwards and pressed a kiss to Maura's forehead. "Take care of yourself," Jane implored her, as she walked to the door. She opened it, walked through, and shut it behind her with a click.
By some miracle, Jane managed to hold it together until she was back in her car. Then and only then did she let the tears go, feeling as if she'd just lost the most important thing in her life.
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A/N: Will Maura be able to forgive Jane, and move on with their friendship? Will Jane be able to hold it together? Stay tuned to see what happens next! Thanks for reading!
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