She thinks I don't see it. The pain, the fear, the desperation. But I do see it, all of it. She is the strongest person I have ever known. So much sorrow and she keeps it inside, buries it deep within her and moves forward scars and all. I don't know a lot about her past -- clips and fragments I've pieced together from her comments, a few stories, but I do know what these things have done to her. I see the damage that the people in her life have caused and it breaks my heart. I am a doctor-I see something broken and I fix it. I am damn good at it, but I can't fix this I can't fix her because she won't let me. I have never felt so useless in all my life. I want so badly to help her. There are times when I look at her and it is hard not to cry. I ache for her in a way that startles me. I want her to be whole, I want her to feel safe, feel happy, I want her to feel loved, but mostly I want her to be mine. I see a strand of her hair graze her cheek and I have to stifle a moan. She is electricity, she is incandescent, she is so painfully wounded and it makes me want to be that safeguard for her. I want to be the person she clings to when that pain in her eyes flashes. If she would open herself up let me in I could protect her, but mostly I could simply be on her team. She is strong but a person can only fight so much darkness on their own for so long. I know I can't swoop in and fix it all, but I want to struggle alongside her against these demons. This poison that is slowing killing her – is killing me too. One thing I will not do is continue to look in those eyes and see the anguish and not do something to stop it.

I remember not being able to breathe when I saw her standing on the other side of that glass. Pain was something I was used to seeing in her gaze, but it was always sharp and intense. That day it was a dull, flat grief and it chilled me to my bones. She was slowly losing her fight, her strength and for that I wanted to kill every "Other" in my sight. Her spirit was broken. When she touched her palm to the glass I could feel it -- the loss of life within her. I choked back tears and managed to ask her the one question that had been gnawing into me from the moment I knew I would be separated from her. I couldn't protect her here and it was eating me up inside. "Did they hurt you ?" And then she broke, some of that pain flashed across her face and released and I secretly thanked God because she was still with me. My girl was not gone yet, there was still some fight in her, not just a shell as I had feared. And I began to hate that glass wall, the painful irony of its presence-there was always a wall between us not a strong one, but fragile, could easily be broken down if we had the guts to do it. But it was a protection, kept us at a safe distance from one another – being able to observe each other and exchange gazes of a 1000 different emotions but never close enough to touch. When she began to sob I felt it, my body became wracked with grief but I couldn't touch her, couldn't pull her into my chest and soothe her because of that damn wall. To be able to really feel someone else's emotions…it scares me a little…the absolute devotion I feel towards her. I have never felt this strongly in my entire life. I would kill for her without hesitation. And when she pleaded with me to do the surgery to save Sawyer I felt…I…I was angry. For her to come to me and ask that…for him…I wanted to break the glass with my fists. She was finally opening up, letting someone else in, fighting alongside someone and it wasn't me. She was opening up to Sawyer. I wasn't the one she wanted and it was killing me. I felt dizzy, the blood was racing through me as my emotions were seething and with as much self control as I could muster I called this situation for what it was, an absolute defeat, "We're done here".

I didn't believe I could feel pain more piercing than what I felt in that moment until I saw her in that cage with him. I couldn't breathe, my knees were weak, blood was draining from my face and I was sick to my stomach. I had to look twice because I was in such shock. It felt as if I were dying, every part of my body shutting down and then I heard Ben's voice. His glib comment and condescending smirk and it made me snap into focus. I said I would kill for her and I meant it. Seeing his face, knowing he was the reason this had all happened – he was responsible for pushing her to him. I pleaded with him to give me a reason to pull that trigger. I wanted it so badly. But then it occurred to me – that scared expression of hers that broke my soul. I promised myself that I would be the one constant for her—I would be her safeguard even if she didn't feel the same loyalty to me. Killing Ben would not help her. Satisfying my rage and disgust would not keep her safe. So I swallowed the hatred and agreed to his request. I would fix him and in the process save her, but then I would have to let her go. She was not mine. But, I would be damned if I was going to stand by and watch her give herself to Sawyer, share with him all the things I had ached for all these months. He was going to be those things for her and I was the sacrifice on the other side of that ill-fated glass wall.

More??