Opening Montage

Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

Life After Thirty

Ep. 3

"The Great Regression"

written by

WildDogJJ

Chris and Lindy's house, day...

The house is a fairly decent white sided two story. Inside is a visibly pregnant Lindy. Lindy is now married to Jim's older brother, Chris, and they are expecting their first child. An exhuberant Chris enters the room.

"Lindy," he said, "Do you know what day it is?"

Lindy said "September 19th. Why?"

Chris said "The Feast of San Gennaro in New York starts today. An eleven day block party in Little Italy. I was talking to Jim and he wants to go with Quinn and the boys this weekend."

Lindy said "That sounds nice. Their boys should get a real kick out of it."

Excited, Chris said "I haven't told you the best part. Jim invited us to come along."

Lindy said "Chris, I'm pregnant and New York City's a two hour drive from here."

Chris said "But Lindy, this is a chance to share a piece of my childhood with you. When we were kids on Long Island our mother used to take us every year. A carnival full of Italian food, games, rides and a parade. All to honor the patron saint of Naples."

Lindy said "Since when are you religious?"

Chris said "It's more about celebrating our Italian heritage."

Lindy smiles.

"Okay, sounds fun. I'm just reluctant because I'm pregnant at 39. I'm playing with fire as it is."

Chris said "Don't worry. The baby will be fine."

Lindy said "Alright. I'm convinced."

Chris pulls his fist down in a cheer.

"YES!"


Casa Carbone, evening...

Quinn is in the office on conference call with Lindy, Daria and Jane. She said "Jim's really excited. He said he can't wait to show the boys such an important part of his childhood."

Lindy said "I got the same thing from Chris."

Quinn added "And we can visit my sister and Jane."

Daria said "Where are you staying?"

Quinn and Lindy both frown. Quinn admitted "We hadn't thought of that. Why?"

Daria deadpanned "Oh, I don't know. Probably something to do with my place being a one bedroom apartment in Hells Kitchen. It could get a little crowded with seven guests. Also, I have a cat."

Quinn said "We're leaving the dog with Mom and Dad. I'm sure we can find a decent hotel."

Jane said "No friends of mine are gonna stay in a hotel while in town. Especially since I have a huge loft in SoHo."

Daria asked "How long's Alan out of town this time?"

Jane said "Until June. He promised to take a mini-vacation during the holidays so we can spend Christmas together, but I'm not holding my breath. His relationship with archaeology is like my relationship with art."

Daria deadpanned "Better than it being like Trent's relationship with music."

Everyone laughed at that one.


New York City, friday afternoon...

Quinn, Jim and the boys are in Jane and Alan's SoHo loft talking with Jane and Daria. Quinn said "Thanks for letting us stay here."

Shrugging, Jane said "What are friends for?"

Daria said "Mooching."

Jane said "No, that's what brothers are for. At least that's what mine does."

Daria turns to Teddy "So, how's my favorite nephew?"

Teddy said "Bored as always."

Daria asked "How's school?"

Teddy said "It's good. If you're idea of good is spending five days a week in a mind numbingly tedious environment surrounded by idiots."

Daria deadpanned "Don't worry, it gets worse."

Teddy gets the joke and laughs. This prompts Daria to say "I like the way you think."

Jane said "So, Feast of San Gennaro, huh?"

Animated, Jim said "Yeah! My mom used to take me and Chris every year."

Daria said "So, how many times did Tony piss on your parade?"

Smiling, Jim said "Zero. He never came along. My dad hates street carnivals...and anything that doesn't involve sex and violence."

Jane said "Mind if we come along?"

Daria said "Wait a minute, what do you mean "we"?"

Jane said "Come on, you didn't think I wasn't going to drag you in to this, did you?"

"No, but I hoped."

Jane protested "It'll be fun."

Daria countered "Sure, because nothing beats a bunch of guys using their Italian last names as an excuse to be childish and immature."

"HEY!" said an offended Jim.

Teddy said "Come on, Aunt Daria. I don't wanna suffer the idiocy alone."

Daria rolls her eyes.

"Fine."


Lawndale, Saturday morning...

In a two-story house across the street from Casa Carbone, Sandi Griffin sits alone and sighs. She gets a bottle of vodka out of her liquor cabinet and takes a swig. At this point, the doorbell rings. Sandi puts her vodka back in the cabinet and answers.

"Can I help you?"

Standing in front of Sandi is a young woman with blonde hair, a pretty face and infectious smile. She has a bible in one hand and a shoulder bag full of pamphlets.

"Hi," she said, "My name's Shawna Miller. I'm with the Lawndale Fellowship of The Kingdom Of Christ. Tell me, have you let the Lord into your heart?"

Twenty years ago Sandi would've slammed the door right in this woman's face after making a cutting remark about her wardrobe. That was before the abandonment, divorce and all the other hard knocks that have been her life since high school.

"I...I can't say I have."

Shawna could tell the woman was distraught.

"Tell me, do you find the world today depressing?"

Sandi said "I find life in general depressing these days."

Shawna said "Well, maybe it's time to let the Lord into your heart."

Sandi asked "Would you like to come in? We can talk about God. Maybe it is time to give faith a try."

"I'd like that."

Sandi thought She's so beautiful. And I'm so lonely.

(A/N: Yep, she's desperate enough to hit on a door-to-door missionary.)


Mulberry Street, Lower Manhattan...

Music: "Tarantella Napolitana"

Quinn, Jim, Tommy, Timmy, Teddy, Chris, Lindy, Daria and Jane are walking through the festival. There are food stands all around selling Italian street food such as pizza, peppers and sausage, stuffed clams, calzone, cannoli and other assortments. There are also games and rides. Jim is explaining the history of the festival.

"It's to celebrate the patron saint of Naples, San Gennaro. It's an eleven day carnival right here in the heart of New York's Little Italy."

Chris said "I feel like a little kid again. Jim, remember how much fun we used to have when Mom took us here?"

Jim said "Boy, do I ever." He spots a carousel. "Hey, who wants to ride the merry go round!?"

Excited, both Tommy and Timmy said "I will."

Chris said "Count me in, bro."

Teddy said "I'll just walk around here for a bit."

Jim said "Let's go!"

The four of them are running to the carousel. Teddy looks at them with bemusement.

"I expected this kind of infantile behavior from my brothers, but Dad and Uncle Chris!?"

Daria said "Something in male DNA causes childlike regression in environments like this."

They look at the guys on the carousel. Jim and Chris are both acting like they're Timmy and Tommy's age.

Lindy said "Glad I'm more mature than that."

She sniffs the air. Suddenly...

"SAUSAGE!"

Lindy runs toward the sausage stand. Quinn called out "Lindy..."

Lindy hissed "Shut up! Nothing comes between a pregnant woman and food!"

As Lindy continued toward the sausage stand Daria deadpanned "Well, this is off to a promising start."

Jane said "Come on, Daria. So six of our number have regressed to childhood. We can still have fun."

Quinn said "Yeah, sis, what's the worst that could happen?"

At this point, a familiar voice said "Quinn!? Lindy!?"

They turn around and find themselves face to face with Jim and Chris' uncle, Vito. Vito is just as fat as always, with slicked back gray hair, a Hawaiian shirt, spray tan and ridiculous amount of bling. He said "I was right. How are youse guys?"

Quinn said "We're good, Uncle Vito. How are you?"

Vito said "Ya gotta hide me!"

Quinn asked "How come?"

Vito explained "Irina, that girl I was bangin' last year, is here with a baby she says is mine. I already pay child support to ten different women. I can't afford another bastard!"

Quinn, Daria, Jane and Teddy all roll their eyes.


Back in Lawndale...

Sandi is in the living room with Shawna, the door-to-door preacher, having tea. Shawna said "This is great, Miss...?"

"Griffin, Sandi Griffin, but it used to be Mrs. Black."

"Divorced?"

Sandi nodded.

"So," said Shawna, "Is that the reason for your current crisis of faith?"

Sandi said "It's one of them. Twenty years ago I felt like I was on top of the world. I was the most popular girl in school. I was like the blonde one in the movie "Mean Girls". What's that characters name, the leader of the plastics?"

Shawna answered "Regina George."

Sandi said "Yes, I was alot like her. I was a stuck up mean girl who would grind anyone down in order to stay at the top of the pecking order. Then, everything started to change. Senior year I managed to turn everyone against me with my bitchiness. After a few months I made amends with my three closest friends and two of them have since become more of a family to me than my actual family. That's the only part of my life that's gotten better since then."

Genuinely interested, Shawna asked "What happened to get you where you are now? What made you so depressed and lonely?"

Omitting the part about her bisexuality, Sandi explained "I fell in love during my first year of college, but my mother didn't approve of our relationship and disowned me. After that we broke up because I caught her...I mean him, cheating on me. With no home and no money I had to drop out of college and get a job as a checkout girl. When I needed more money I got a job as an exotic dancer at Cafe Risque."

Shawna's eyes go wide.

"You worked in that den of sin and debauchery!?"

Sandi explained "I'm not proud of it. I made enough money to put myself the rest of the way through college."

Shawna said "By tempting men with sins of the flesh. You allowed yourself to be a pawn in Satan's attempts to lead mankind astray."

Sandi gives Shawna an angry look. Her old haughtiness returns as she says "For your information, Shawna, I didn't have other options. I left that profession as soon as I could."

Softening her tone, Shawna said "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so judgemental. After all, the bible says judge not lest ye be judged."

Calming down, Sandi said "I was eventually able to leave stripping behind when I found work as an office assistant. Then came my failed marriage."

"What happened?"

Sandi said "It was rocky from the start. Joey and I would fight over every little thing. Then, I caught him having sex with an 18 year old girl in our bed. I was devastated, but I still loved him. He didn't feel the same way. He filed for divorce the very next day. It was hell. Now all of my friends are married with kids and my ex-husband is banging a barely legal trollip while I'm all alone."

Shawna puts a hand on Sandi's shoulder.

"You're not alone. Jesus loves you. He'll never abandon you for someone else. He loves you more than you think."

Sandi visibly feels better.


Manhattan's Little Italy...

Quinn, Jane, Daria, Lindy and Teddy are talking to Jim's uncle, Vito. Teddy said "Let me get this straight. You want us to help you avoid your ex-girlfriend."

Vito said "Yeah, pretty much."

Jane turned to Daria and said "Well, at least this can't get worse."

Vito asked "By the way, where's Chris and Jim."

Lindy said "They're right over...there!?"

They notice that Jim, Chris, Tommy and Timmy are no longer riding the carousel.

Jane said "I spoke too soon."

Rolling her eyes, Quinn said "Where are they?"


Meanwhile, at another part of the festival...

Tommy and Teddy are playing in a ball pit. Jim and Chris are playing right along with them.

Jim said "I forgot how much fun this is."

Chris climed the net.

"CANNON BALL!"

He dove into the plastic balls. This caught the attention of a staffer.

"Excuse me, but what are youse guys doin'?"

Jim said "Playing with my kids."

The carney turned around the sign at the entrance to the ball pit.

"Can't ya read? It says maximum height of four feet, six inches."

Chris said "Oh, come on!"

"Sorry, saftey regulations."

Jim and Chris both said "AWWWWWW!"


At one of the food stands...

Lindy, not satisfied with hot sausage and peppers is now pigging out on pizza. Quinn, Jane, Daria, Teddy and Vito are also enjoying pizza. Daria remarked "I guess eating like a pig is in this season."

Quinn stares daggers at her sister. Finally, Daria said "Sorry, habit."

When Quinn smiles, Teddy turns to Jane and asks "What was that about?"

Jane said "Your parents never told you? In high school your mother was Vice President of The Fashion Club."

Teddy said "And I thought elementary school was stupid."

Quinn admitted "The whole thing was stupid. I was a stuck up brat as a kid."

Teddy remarked "So that's where Tommy gets it from."

Quinn gives Teddy a stern look while Daria flashes her trademark half smile. At this point Vito suddenly said "Aw, Crap!"

He immediately ducked under the picnic table they were eating at as a young blonde woman with a baby approached the table.

"Excuse me," she said with a thick Russian accent, "I am lookings for someones. Fat olds man with spray tan. Is father of baby. Haves you seen him."

As Vito cowers under the table, Jane said "You mean Vito?"

This gets her a sharp tap on the knee from Vito. The woman said "Yes, I ams Irina Volokov, former lover. Shitty man owes child support."

Daria said "We havent seen him. How do you know the child is his?"

Offended, Irina said "I dons sleeps arounds."

Daria said "If we see him we'll let you know."

"Thank yous."

With that, Irina leaves. Vito whispered "Is she gone?"


At a game tent...

Jim and Chris are playing the old school TMNT arcade game. Jim is playing as Raphael while Chris is playing as Leonardo. They've just reached the end of the second level and are about to fight the boss, Bebop.

Bebop: (in game) "Where do you think you're going, shell brain?"

Jim said "I forgot how much fun this game is."

Chris said "You said it bro."

Meanwhile, Tommy and Timmy are playing Mortal Kombat. Tommy is playing as Scorpion while Timmy is Sub-Zero.

"Round one...FIGHT!"

Tommy immediately gets Timmy with his spear.

"GET OVER HERE!"

A few seconds later, Sub-Zero is about to collapse as the words "FINISH HIM!" flash on the screen.

"Check this out!" said Tommy as he pressed a button combination. On the screen, Scorpion incinerates the defeated Sub-Zero.

"Scorpion wins...FATALITY!"

Tommy bragged "In your face, Timmy."

"No fair!" Timmy whined.

Tommy said "Rematch?"

Timmy reaches into his pocket.

"I'm outta tokens."

Smirking, Tommy said "Guess that makes me the champ...again."


Maenwhile, back in Lawndale...

Sandi and Shawna are still talking. Shawna said "So, are you ready to accept Jesus as your personal savior?"

Sandi thought She's beautiful. I want her. I NEED her. but out loud said "Yes."

Shawna smiles.

"You won't regret this, Miss Griffin."

Smiling, Sandi said "Please, call me Sandi."

Shawna said "Okay...Sandi."

Sandi said "Would you like to stay for dinner?"

Shawna said "You want me to stay for dinner?"

Sandi said "Of course." She leans in toward Shawna and says in an erotic tone "I like you."

She leans in closer.

"Shawna, you're a wonderful, kind and beautiful woman."

Visibly uncomfortable, Shawna said "Um...thanks."

They're now so close that their faces are almost touching. In a breathy tone, Sandi said "I..want...you."

She immediately pounches on Shawna and kisses her with frenzied passion. Shawna is beyond freaked out. She's even more freaked when Sandi slips her some tongue. Sandi breaks the kiss.

"Make love to me."

Sandi kisses Shawna again as Shawna tries to shove her off.


Manhattan's Little Italy...

Music: "The Godfather Theme"

Quinn, Teddy, Daria, Jane and Lindy are on the sidewalk watching a procession. The leader of this procession is a short man with gray hair and glasses. He's the grand marshal of the event. He is followed by a marching band playing an old Italian tune. Behind the marching band are three priests giving random blessings to the crowd. This is followed by a large cart carrying the actual shrine of San Gennaro.

"What's this?" asked Daria.

Teddy said "I've read about this. Everyday of the festival includes a procession where they carry the shrine through the streets. It's an old Neapolitan tradition."

Lindy said "Chris told me about this."

Jane commented "I need to get a better look at that shrine. It would make an interesting subject for my next piece. In fact..."

Jane pulls out her I-Phone and snaps pictures of the shrine as it passes by.

"There, now I can use these pictures for my next masterpiece."

Daria quipped "Michaelangelo would be proud."

At this point, Quinn notices something.

"Where's Vito?"


Meanwhile, back in Lawndale...

Sandi is trying to make out with Shawna as Shawna struggles against her. Finally, Shawna manages to shove her off.

"WHAT THE HECK!?"

Sandi said "Come on, Shawna, don't tell me you don't feel it too."

Shawna said "You...you...YOU WHORE!"

Shawna gets up to leave when Sandi grabs her arm.

"PLEASE DON'T GO!"

Shawna said "You just tried to tempt me into unnatural debauchery."

Visibly hurt, Sandi said "But...I thought you liked me."

Shawna said "Not like that. Same sex relations are a slight to the Lord."

"But...but..."

Shawna pulls away from Sandi and storms out of the house. Sandi chases after her. Once outside...

"Shawna, wait! I'm bisexual and lonely. Maybe I moved too fast."

Shawna barked "You'll not tempt me into sexual sin."

Sandi said "I'm sorry, but I can't help it that I'm bisexual."

Shawna said "That's what Satan wants you to believe. You've been led astray and if you don't repent you'll burn in Hell."

"But...but...I need you."

Shawna said "'He that lay with a man as with a woman commits abomination.' It's in the bible."

Sandi said "How can you say that!?"

Shawna said "You are lost. You'll not lead me to sin."

"But..."

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

With that, Shawna runs away from Sandi as fast as she can. Sandi falls to her knees.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY DOES EVERYONE I LOVE ALWAYS LEAVE ME!"

She begins to cry. Kevin had seen the whole thing from his porch.

"Dude! This neighborhood is turning into Melrose Place."

As he said that a half-naked Daryl sneaks out of his house while an all-naked Brittany blows her adulturous lover a goodbye kiss. Kevin remains clueless as usual.


Little Italy...

Music: "Mambo Italiano" by Dean Martin

It's getting late. Quinn, Teddy, Lindy, Daria and Jane are now trying to find Jim, Tommy, Timmy, Chris and Vito.

"Where the hell are they?" said Quinn.

Lindy said "You think they got bored and left. I mean SoHo's only a few blocks from here."

Daria deadpanned "Sure, they were having so much fun that they decided to call it a day."

Teddy couldn't help snickering at that one. At this point they approach a stage. A fat bald man with a microphone stands in front of a curtain. "Awright," he said, "It's time for our next cannoli eating contest. And now let's meet this round of contestants."

Quinn and Lindy sigh as Teddy, Daria and Jane look at the stage in morbid fascination. The curtain draws back. The contestants are Jim, Chris, Tommy, Timmy and Vito. The announcer said "Awright, a special treat. Today's contestants are all in the same family. First, James Carbone."

The announcer hands the microphone to Jim. Jim spots Quinn in the audience.

"Hey," he points to Quinn, "I'd like to give a shout out to my wife, Quinn."

Quinn immediately buries her face in her hand out of embarrassment. The announcer continues.

"His brother, Christopher Carbone."

"Hey, Lindy."

Now, Lindy buries her face in her hand.

"Jim's sons, Timmy and Tommy Carbone."

"Hey, Mom!" they both said at the same time.

"And finally, their uncle, Vito Carbone."

Vito said "Hey, how all youse guys doin', especially the ladies."

In the audience, Jane said "It's like high school all over again."

Daria said "Complete with it's own version of Upchuck."

The announcer said "Rules are simple, you have ten minutes to eat as many cannolis as you can. One who eats the most wins. And...GO!"

They all start pigging out. Timmy and Vito surge ahead of the others. After ten minutes...

"TIME!" the announcer called. He went to look at all the plates. Jim looks sick, and he has six cannolis left. Chris has five left. Tommy has five left and looks like he could puke at any moment. Vito has one left and Timmy has none. Timmy also looks like he could eat a whole lot more.

"We have a winner...Timmy Carbone!"

The whole crowd applauds as Timmy smiles proudly. Even Quinn feels a sense of pride overwhelm any embarrassment she may feel. A trophy is presented to Timmy.

The announcer asked "How you feeling?"

Timmy said "Great!" He turns to Tommy and says "In your face!"

Tommy is about to hurl an insult when...

"Urp...glup...ulp...BLEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCHHHHHHHHH!"

He pukes all over the place. Just then, Irina runs up onto the stage.

"There you are, Vito, piece of shit. You owe child support."

At this point, a handsome looking Latino man hops up on stage. He said "No, he does not. That is my child."

Shocked, Irina said "RAUL!"

At this point, a Russian man shows up. He said "Irina, you told me baby was mine!"

Vito said "Damn, Irina, I figured you were cheating on someone wit' me, but two people!?"

This begins a loud shouting match. Daria and Jane smirk.


Pizza King, Monday afternoon...

Quinn and Sandi are having lunch and catching up. Quinn said "So, after all that craziness the rest of the evening was uneventful. How was your weekend?"

Sandi said "I met a girl I really liked."

Quinn said "Sandi, that's great!"

Sandi said "She wasn't interested. That's what I get for coming on to a door to door preacher."

Quinn's jaw dropped.

"Sandi, you didn't!?"

"I did."

Quinn is too shocked. Sandi starts to cry.

"I...sob...I...sniff...WHY WON'T JOEY JUST COME BACK!"

Quinn now looks awkward.

"Sandi, you need to move on."

Sandi continues crying.

"Sandi, he's not coming back."

Sandi keeps crying.

"I mean, it's not likely that he's coming back."

Sandi continues to cry. Quinn amends her statement further.

"Well, I guess it's possible."

Sandi stops crying and smiles.

"Thank you, Quinn."

Quinn visibly wonders if giving Sandi false hope was the right thing to do.

End.

Next Time

Quinn learns a secret from Jim's past. What has he been hiding from her all these years?