Disc: Nope, don't own Soul Calibur, but MAN I wish I did. lD
Notes: Small break, needed some (eventual) crack TalimxTira. And some practice for writing Yunseong, I guess.
Yah. Don't know what the hell I'm doing, as usual.
--
The Fetus Factor
Part 3
Yoshimitsu
--
Birds cried out merry little tunes, trilling and belting out the first few bars of classical music, as birds were apparently wont to do. The sun shone brightly through the canopy of sweet-smelling, spring leaves; the echoing laughter of a babbling stream provided a soft, soothing backdrop.
"Some bad shit's 'bout to go down," Tira informed dully, plucking a black berry from its bush and chewing it thoughtfully.
"Oh, Tira," Talim sighed, nibbling on a slice of bread, "that's a horrible outlook; the day is beautiful! The winds are calm! All is well!"
"Those are all precursors to a big war or a natural disaster of some sort," Yunseong said. "I agree with Tira, something's big's going to happen."
"Oh hell!" Tira cursed. "And now there's probably gonna be a big war during a natural disaster!"
"Why?" asked Talim.
"Yun-dude just agreed with me. That is never supposed to happen. It's a naturally understood rule, like...one of those Commandment thingies!"
"I agree," agreed Yunseong.
"Dude!" Tira flailed her arms. "You did it again! You've doomed us all!"
"As if," Yunseong snorted.
"Oh, you are both just being silly," said Talim, but not meanly. She giggled behind a hand. "I am sure nothing bad will happ--YEEK!" Talim's assurance was cut off as a man decked in green swooped in via a vine, wrapped an arm around her waist, and swung them into the trees.
Yunseong and Tira stared blankly at the spot where Talim had been sitting.
"Um," Tira began, "did...did Tarzan just kidnap Jailbait?"
"No," Yunseong answered, "I think that was George."
Tira arched an eyebrow.
"You know; George? Of the jungle?"
Suddenly, the magic word Tira had spoken hit them in the brain like a ton of bricks, or even a PMS-ing hippo.
"Jailbait got kidnapped!" Tira shrieked, wavng her arms around for emphasis. "Again!"
"And now we have to save her!" Yunseong added, waving his arms for emphasis. "Again!"
"I agree!" chimed in Tira, "Again! And--wait; agree?" She facepalmed. "Dammit! Now there's going to be a big war during a natural disaster while aliens invade Earth!"
"We'll worry about that later," Yunseong said, shotting to his feet while drawing White Storm, "Talim needs our help!"
"I agree! Oh, DAMMIT!"
--
"Hup-HYA!"
"Link? Is that you?" Talim cocked her head to the side, pulling away from the Hylian hero. "Um...what the heck are you doing here? I thought you were only in Soul Calibur II for a cheap, cameo apparence?"
"HYARGH!" Link wailed, which probably translated loosely to, "Oh hell, now you've broken the fourth wall!"
"Right, you're still dealing that speech problem," Talim mumbled, "but, back to the plot--why did you kidnap me from my friends?"
"Kyah!" Which translated to, "Kidnap you?! I'll have you know I saved your sorry, underage patootie!"
"The hell? I can't understand anything you're saying! Why did you kidnap me!?"
"Tooryah!" "Um, hello? There was an evil psycho-bitch and perverted jackass in your general area!"
"Okay, Link, seriously; get some help. I know a couple of classes you can go to. There are great English classes that can teach you the language--"
"Talim!" Yunseong's voice called out as he ran into the clearing, swinging around White Storm in a threating manner. "We're here to rescue you!"
"No we are not!" Tira countered, dashing in and shoving Yunseong away. "Yun-dude lies! We came here to point and laugh at your predicament!"
"What?!" Yunseong whirled on the raven haired girl. "Are you nuts!?" Tira opened her mouth-- "Rhetorical question, we all know you're bat-shit crazy." He turned up to Talim. "We really are here to save you Talim, don't worry!"
"No we're not!" Tira said again.
By this time, Talim was quite confused and a little hurt. "Well, are you here to save me or not?"
"Not!" Tira chirped.
"Are!" Yunseong barked.
"Tyakch?" Link asked blankly; "Uhm...what the hell's going on? And here I thought I had problems!"
"Look," Tira finally snarled, "I'm not agreeing with you again and plunging the world into deeper chaos! If the world ends, darn it all, I'M going to be the one to end it!"
"Oh, wait," Talim gasped. "Is that what this is all about? You two agreeing?"
"It's not as silly as it seems!" shouted Tira, "There's already going to be a big war during a natural disaster while aliens invade the earth, consequently causing the end of continuity as we know it!" She grabbed the ends of her mismatched pigtails. "Those DC comics won't have NOTHIN' on us!"
"Well," Talim held up a finger. "Would it cause more chaos if you agreed with me?"
Tira paused. "Well...no."
Talim flashed a blinding smile. "Then I suggest you save me!"
Tira grinned. "I agree!"
Yunseong cheered, "Yea, me t--"
Tira clapped a hand over his mouth. "Don't ruin the moment, Yun-dude."
"Chyah!" cried Link, offended; "Hey! Aren't you guys forgetting about me!?"
"Dude, is that guy wearing a skirt?" Tira snerked, pointing a clawed finger at Link. "Oh jeez. This'll be easy."
"Ahem," Yunseong cleared his throat, "LET THE GIRL GO!" he shouted, striking a somehwat heroic, yet mostly questionable pose, White Storm pointed at Link.
"Yun-dude, this isn't a porno shoot," Tira said bluntly. She blinked. "Um, by the way; what's your name, Skirt-Man?"
"Hup-hup-HYARGH!" Link answered.
Tira stared. "What?"
"His name's Link," Talim supplied.
"Oh. Skirt-Man sounds better."
"I agr--" Yunseong stopped when Tira gave him an evil look. "Nevermind."
"HALT YE VILE VILLANS!" cried out an unfamiliar voice.
"Halt?" Tira looked around. "But we haven't even started moving yet!"
"Never yee mind, Lady Psycho-Bitch!" the voice crowed again. "'Twas but a figure of speech, made for my dramatic entrance!" Suddenly, the bushes began to rustle. A wooden hand shot out, waving. A gangly, older gentleman in an odd mask then stumbled out of the bushes, yelping as his clothes caught on branches and such.
Needless to say, it wasn't a very dramatic entrance.
"I am the brave robber Yoshimitsu!" declared the odd man. "And now I shall engage in a pointless song and dance routine to explain my !"
"Um," Yunseong blanched. "You really don't have to--"
"Oh Merry-Men!" Yoshimitsu crowed out into the forest.
Suddenly, five more men, each dressed in various peasent attire, all leaped from the trees, back hand-springing into the clearing. Link whipped out his ocarina (which nearly knocked Talim off the branch) and began playing an off-key, chipper sort of tune.
"Da-da-da-da-da-da-OY!" sang out the Merry-Men.
"I steal from the rich and give to the needy!" Yoshimitsu informed, in a singing voice that sounded like Nightmare raking the claws of his left hand down a very large chalkboard.
"He takes a wee percentage--"
"But I'm not greedy! I rescue pretty damsels," Yoshimitsu sang, waving at Talim, who glared, "Man! I'm good!"
"What a guy! HUZZAH! Yoshi-mit-su!" the Merry Men sang out, barbershop singer style.
With Link suddenly upping the tempo, Yoshimitsu and his Merry Men began a stylish tapdancing routine.
Talim, Tira, and Yunseong stared.
"Oh-kay," Yunseong said, "am I the only one creeped out by this?"
"No," Talim and Tira answered.
"I like a little fight and a saucy little maid," Yoshimitsu chortled; Talim made a face as she realized he was probably talking about her.
"What he's basically saying is he likes to get--"
"--Paid!"
"I don't think that he meant paid," Talim pointed out.
"Duh," Tira snorted.
"Ew," Yunseong grimaced.
"When a Psycho-Bitch in the bush grabs some Jailbait by the tush," Yoshimitsu informed, frowing at Tira, "That's bad!"
"That's bad, that's bad, that's bad!" echoed the Merry-Men.
"But I haven't done anything!" Tira said. "..Yet."
"When the Jailbait's with a Douche, it makes me awfully mad!" Yoshimitsu growled, advancing on Tira and Yunseong while snapping his fingers.
"Oh, you bitch," Yunseong snarled.
"He's mad, he's mad, he's really really mad!" said the Merry-Men, following their leader.
"Now I'll take my blade and ram it through your hearts!" Yoshimitsu declared, drawing his weapon. "Keep your eyes on me boys, 'cause I'm about to staaaaaaaaaaaaa--"
Everyone shuffled around, looking at their watches. For an old man, Yoshimitsu had pretty good lungs. After about five minutes of hearing Yoshimitsu drag out the note for a long time, someone snapped.
"Oh fuck it," Link said, tossing his ocarina behind his shoulder. "This Shrek parody has gone on long enough." Talim's head snapped to see him.
"Wait, you can talk!?" she gasped.
Link promptly shoved Talim off the branch.
"YEEEEEK!" she squeaked.
"--aaaaaaaaaaart--OOF!" Yoshimitsu wheezed as Talim landed directly onto his spine. "AH YE GODS ABOVE! MY SPINE!" He soon fell unconscious.
"Hy," Talim whined, offended, "I'm not that heavy."
"Um," spoke one of the Merry-Men. "Are we still getting paid for this or what?"
"Jailbait!" Tira squealed, throwing her hands in the air. "You saved us from that creepy Robin Hood dude with your tushie!"
"Oh." Talim stared. "I'm...not really sure if I should be proud of that."
"C'mere you!" the raven haired girl cooed, wrapping Talim in a bone-crushing hug and snuggling into her hair.
Five, awkward minutes passed.
"Um," Talim coughed, "...Tira?"
"Yes Jailbait?"
"...You can let go of me now."
"Mm."
Five more awkward minutes.
"Tira?"
"Mm?"
"Really. You can let go."
"'Kay!"
"...And can you kindly remove your hand from my bottom?"
"I could," Tira said, "but that doesn't mean I have or want to."
..
Notes: Meh. This could have been handled better.
