Professor Dexter Morgan (Dexter)

OR Harry Potter and his Magic Murder Bag

A/N:
Less crackariffic than the last two; dark humor abounds in this one.


"Students, please welcome our new Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor – Professor Dexter Morgan!" Dumbledore declared as everyone conducted the obligatory clap.

Professor Morgan was a fairly average looking man with sandy blond hair, tanned skin announced that he came from a sunnier climate than Britain, and a very prim posture. He gazed around with seemingly blasé demeanor yet there was something about him that whispered this man paid attention to detail.

"Professor Morgan hails from Miami, Florida where he worked for the police department. He has many unusual skills when it comes to finding criminals and I believe he will be a wonderful addition to your education in researching proponents of the dark arts. Welcome, Professor Morgan!" Dumbledore sang out brightly with his twinkling eyes.

Professor Morgan merely waved with a cheery smile that carefully hid something darker and twisted within.


Harry Potter was intrigued by the American professor. His teaching style was similar to Lupin's in the sense that he actually taught them things but he carried around a sense of darkness that was akin to the fake Moody. Each class was highly informative as the former blood-splatter analyst led them through the reading material point by point, carefully explaining everything to the finest detail and encouraging questions.

Hermione loved him, of course. She was one of his favorite students for her keen mind and he always answered her questions with a small smile that indicated amusement and satisfaction.

In the beginning Harry couldn't be sure if the professor liked him or not. Sometimes Professor Morgan's eyes would travel over his scar and a dark, murderous look would pass through his eyes like a spontaneous tornado of rage. But then a mask would appear and the professor would cheerfully go on with the lesson.

Yet the professor was never unkind to Harry. Other than those peculiar reactions, he was quite kind. Once he invited Harry into his office for tea and asked Harry about his own battles against the dark arts. He had been unsure if he had wanted to share but there was something so reassuring about the professor's calm demeanor that he did. Harry told him everything about Voldemort, growing up with the Dursleys, Voldemort's attacks, how he knew each member of the Death Eaters yet few were taken into custody, and finally the murder of his godfather. It surprised him how understanding the professor was and soon Harry began spending more and more time at his office.

Professor Morgan was a difficult man to understand but it was clear he abhorred dark wizards, especially those that went after children. But he was also a fairly normal guy who enjoyed taking his boat out (which was now docked at the Hogwarts Lake) and cooking (he was delighted once Harry had shown him the hidden kitchen behind the fruit painting).

After Sirius' death and Dumbledore avoiding him, it felt good to Harry to have another older male to talk to and he was quite happy with the arrival of Professor Morgan.

"Mr. Potter," Professor McGonagall called out in a tone much softer than her normal clipped one. "Please come to my office."

Harry glanced across the dining hall table at Hermione and Ron and shrugged. "Okay professor."

Once they were in her office she sat him down and let out a heavy sigh. "Potter as your head of house it is my sorrowful duty to inform you that your aunt and uncle have gone missing."

"What?" Harry asked with bulging eyes.

"I know, it is awful. It happened while your cousin Dudley was away at school. He is now staying with your Aunt Margo."

"Oh, she's not my aunt. That's my uncle's sister, and we're not blood related," Harry was quick to correct.

"Oh. Alright then. Anyways, I'm sorry to say that the Muggle police believe your aunt and uncle are dead. I'm sorry for your loss, Potter."

Harry James Potter just looked down and nodded sorrowfully because he knew it was expected. However, on the inside he was doing the Macarena at the thought that his former abusers were finally gone. He was free!


Later that day Harry was whistling a jaunty tune as he passed by Professor Morgan's open office. "Harry, is that you?" the professor called.

"Hi Professor!" he chirped with a wide smile.

Professor Morgan leaned back in his chair and his lips formed a secretive smile. "You look rather happy for a boy with deceased guardians," he commented.

Immediately Harry's face fell. "Oh. Oops." Biting his lip he shut the door. "Professor you know how I feel about them. I mean, besides Voldemort and the Death Eaters, they're the most wicked people I know. They abused a little boy who was their nephew, turned him into their own personal house elf, and never once showed him any love – should I really pretend I'm sad?"

Professor Morgan smiled. "It is quite reasonable to be pleased – as you should be – but you do need to hide your emotions. It is against the norms of society to be happy at the death of others and will cause you to be an outcast."

"Oh," Harry muttered thoughtfully as he plopped into a chair. "I know you're right…I just hate having to fake being sad."

Something sparked in the professor's eye. "I know all too well what you mean, Harry."

They were silent for a moment before Harry decided to utter a confession that no one else had ever heard. "Sometimes…sometimes I imagined murdering them," he whispered. The professor didn't say anything and his silence emboldened Harry. "Even before I became a wizard. I used to imagine as a child how wonderful it would have been to smother them in their sleep or poison the food they made me cook. Sometimes I even…I was curious what death would be like."

Harry glanced up at Professor Morgan and saw him giving Harry an understanding look. "Go on."

"A couple times I…I killed some of Mrs. Figg's cats just to see what it felt like, what it felt like to stab something in the heart and feel its warm blood cover your hands." Harry looked up worriedly. "I mean, its not like Mrs. Figg didn't already have a million cats already!" he explained.

"I'm not here to judge you, Harry. Tell me more. Did you ever kill anything besides the cats?"

"No…sometimes I thought about it…maybe still do…I had wanted to torture and kill Bellatrix Lestrange after she killed my godfather. I even used the Cruciatus curse on her, but Voldemort's arrival prevented me from doing anything else," he complained bitterly as his lips curled into a snarl. "I just wanted to kill her, to make her pay for all the innocent lives she took!"

Then he shook his head and sighed sadly. "Merlin, it's right what they say…I am a freak. Professor, I'm sorry for telling you all this. Please, please don't tell anyone. I don't want them to think I'm nutters!" he asked frantically.

"Harry," Professor Morgan smiled kindly. "I think you and I have a lot more in common than you think."

"Really?"

"Really. Did you know that my adopted father was named Harry?"

"No sir."

Professor Morgan nodded and his jaw subtly tightened. "He was a great man. He understood that I was different – much in the same way you are – and he taught me how to control it. I think I could do that for you."

"Wow…what does that mean, Professor?"

"It would mean confronting that darkness inside of you and controlling it. Now, what would you say if I told you that I could help you…while getting rid of all the evil Death Eaters you've told me about – and Voldemort?"

A slow feral smile slid over Harry's face. "I would say…sign me up."


"Oh Merlin, please no!" whimpered Lucius Malfoy as he struggled under the plastic wrap that covered his naked body. "I was under the Imperius! I swear I didn't mean to attack you and your little friends in the Department of Mysteries!"

Harry Potter held Malfoy's dragon-heartstring wand in his hands and gave the crying man a calculating look, looking cold-hearted in the plastic suit that covered his clothes and the clear goggles that sat upon his head. "And I suppose you were under the Imperius after thirteen years and that's why you showed up in the cemetery the night Voldemort returned?"

Across the body Professor Morgan gave the boy a supportive nod; he was doing well.

"A-alright, alright," Lucius acquiesced. "So it wasn't the Imperius. But I've, uh, learned my lesson."

Harry calmly put his goggles on and jabbed the tip of the wand through Lucius' left eye. He smiled icily as the man let out a horrific scream in the special trailer Dexter had procured and hidden within the Forbidden Forest.

"OH MERLIN PLEASE! I HAVE A WIFE! AND A KID!"

Harry ruthlessly jabbed Lucius' other eye. "You are a man blind to the world of destruction you have helped to create, Lucy-boy," Harry spat. "Now you will be blind to the world truthfully, unable to see what parts of your body I will cut off first."

"NOOOO!" Lucius screamed as the first cut was made.

Professor Morgan just sat back and watched his student work. It was a bit more effort and a bit more bloody than he would prefer, but the Nazi-like ways of Lucius Malfoy was deserving of such treatment.

Later that night the two of them used levitation charms to take the body parts stuffed in garbage bags through the woods and to the Professor's boat. Then they took a delightful little nighttime boat trip and gave the merpeople something to ponder about.


Harry and Professor Morgan's work continued. The next to die was Bellatrix Lestrange (who 'Itty-Bitty Potter' carved into 'itty-bitty' pieces while she watched), then more and more of the Death Eaters.

The Ministry of Magic was in a state of confusion why so many prominent citizens (and sadly some ones with darker ties) were disappearing, never realizing that their 'prominent citizens' were murderers. Dumbledore was shocked and quite upset that no one was receiving due process and that a vigilante was about. Finally, Voldemort was pissed and had taken to collapsing bridges full of Muggles in fits of poor anger management.

"It's time, Harry," Professor Morgan said to him one day. "I've been tracking him and know he's staying at Malfoy Manor, in the basement. Are you ready?"

A murderous glint shone in Harry's eye. The past two dozen kills had been pure euphoria and he was dying to get his fix again. But to kill the man who had attempted to kill him, killed Cedric Diggory, and killed his parents? Oh, he could not wait.

They used Harry's invisibility cloak to sneak up on Voldemort and Professor Morgan injected him with a tranquilizer that he used on all their victims. Together they coated the room with plastic and bound Voldemort (naked and Merlin that hadn't been pretty) to a long table. By the time Voldemort was awake both of them were in their murder outfits of plastic wrap and goggles.

"Where…where am I?" Voldemort rasped with blearing red eyes.

"Right were you were before, Tom. 'Cept now you're naked and tied to a table," Harry Potter informed him cheerfully.

"Hmm, sounds like college," Professor Morgan remarked in dry humor.

"Let go of me you petulant boy and foolish Muggle!" Voldemort hissed.

"Of, sure. Professor, do you have any scissors so we can cut him out?" Harry asked in a mocking tone.

"Oh geez, I must have left them in my other pair of pants. Drat."

"RELEASE ME!"

"Hmm, let me check in my Magic Murder Bag," Harry mused as he opened black bag that resembled an old doctor's bag, back when they used to go from house to house. He began pulling out various items and setting them on a metal table next to Voldemort's head. "Let's see here…I have a wrench…a bamboo chopstick…a katana sword…a miniature battle ax…a butterfly knife…one chainsaw…two wooden spoons – for playing drums on your funny bone, mind you…a matchbook…a hammer…and…nope! No scissors here!" Harry grinned crazily.

"My god Potter, what the hell is wrong with you?" Voldemort screamed as he eyed the ten potential torture devices.

"How about the fact that you killed his parents and left him an orphan, you sick fuck. Now look around this room, at all these pictures of your victims," Professor Morgan pointed out the dozens of wizarding and muggle photographs. When Voldemort did not oblige the professor screamed, "Look at them!" as he slammed the hammer over Voldemort's thumb.

"Owww! Goddamn that hurts. Potter, I'm going to kill you!" Voldemort screeched.

"You and what army?" Harry smirked. "Oh yeah – we killed your army. What's it like being alone, all alone, again?"

Voldemort just let out unrecognizable noises of anger as he shook against his restraints.

"You think you are so much more powerful than Muggles, Tom Riddle," Professor Morgan said softly. "Yet all I had to do was insert a tranquilizer into your body and you passed out, just like all my other victims. Without a wand, you are nothing special."

Voldemort growled. "I am the most powerful wizard in the world!"

"Actually power is really in the eye of the beholder, isn't that what you taught me Professor?" Harry asked as he began experimentally swinging his butterfly knife above Voldemort's head.

"That's right," the professor smiled at his protégé.

"You see, your life is in my hands. That makes me powerful over you, Tommy. How does that make you feel?"

"Release me or I'll kill you!"

Harry raised an amused brow and looked at his mentor. "He really is a slow learner, isn't he, Professor?"

"Looks like you should probably give him some incentive," Professor Morgan smiled easily.

So Harry Potter did just that…and was able to use nine out of ten tools from his Magic Murder Bag before the old bastard finally died.

Weeks passed and the wizarding world was finally starting to think that maybe Voldemort and his Death Eaters really were gone for good. An impromptu party broke out during dinner in the Great Hall as students and staff alike celebrated.

Except for two people.

Noticing he wasn't at dinner, Harry found the professor packing his office up. "Professor Morgan, where are you going?"

"My job here is done, Harry. I came here because I heard the wizarding world was lawless and hosted the most evil men alive. Now that they are dead I have to go back home."

Harry nodded. He understood that the professor wasn't planning on staying forever, especially since he was a muggle and all. "But what will I do while you're gone?"

Professor Morgan gave him a quick, fatherly hug. "Follow the 'Code of Harry', my adopted father – Be sure that they deserve it and don't get caught. Okay?" Then Professor Morgan smiled. "Which should be pretty easy with that nifty invisibility cloak of yours."

Harry laughed at the comment but then his face sobered. "I'll follow the code, sir," Harry nodded. "Thank you…thank you for everything."

"You're welcome Harry," Dexter smiled.

Professor Dexter Morgan left that day…however it wasn't until their seventh year that someone found out what happened to Voldemort and his Death Eaters…

"OH MY GOD!" Draco Malfoy screamed shrilly as he looked out the Slytherin Common Room window that showed the interior of the lake.

"What is it?" Pansy Parkinson asked.

Draco just held out one shaky finger at a group of garbage bags that had begun to float around and were open, thanks to several curious merpeople. "I-I-I think that's my d-d-dad's head f-floating," he stammered before passing out.

Pansy looked out the window and saw a bloated head with missing eyes and long, pale hair being poked at by the trident of a merperson. Immediately she screamed.

The merperson just waved jauntily and smiled in amusement, baring two rows of pointy teeth.


A/N:

Magic Murder Bag is taken from the Venture Brother's 'Henry Killinger'. I just liked the name and thought it fit ;)

Dexter Morgan is from the Showtime series Dexter (and a book series) about a sociopathic serial killer who kills bad guys, especially ones who hurt kids.