Title: Kick Start on the Road to Not Being a Failure
Word Count: Chapter 3/4, 3525 words
Rating: R
Genre: Humour/Romance
Warnings: Profanity, BL
Series: Hikaru no Go!
Pairings: Saeki/Ashiwara, Isumi/Waya
Synopsis: Saeki's in a slump, Waya's in a frenzy, and Shindou has a running bet with Touya.
Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go!© Yumi Hotta and Takeshi Obata

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Chapter 3: Truth and Not Truth: A Swiss Cheese Definition

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"You should relax, Saeki-san," said Shindou sagely as he loudly slurped his soda. "Just focus on the go and forget about the competition and everything else."

Saeki stared. "That's your great advice? I just spent the past hour pouring out my soul to you in the hopes of having my go-trauma cured and you say I have to 'relax'?"

He'd even related the embarrassing bits about his concerns of inadequacy, like his specific fears of Touya Akira and Ochi and Shindou himself. Just 'relax'?

Shindou beamed. "Brilliant, isn't it?"

"No, it's not brilliant, Shindou! I know I have to relax! Howdo I relax?"

"Ah, yes. For this I have a time-tested and fail-safe solution..."

Saeki waited patiently for the rest, but all of Shindou's attention had been transferred to the ramen that he was currently downing at a disturbing rate. "Shindou? The solution?"

"Huh? I'm showing it right now! Demonstrating is everything, right?"

Saeki was unimpressed. "…Your solution is gluttony?" At Shindou's responding pout, he forced himself to try again. "Er… terrible table manners?"

"Awww! You're just as bad as Touya."

Despite his immense respect for the rising go star, Saeki couldn't help but be mildly offended by this. After all, Touya Akira was… well, Touya Akira. As Saeki mentally shuddered, Shindou took it upon himself to spell out his brilliant all-cure.

"Anyway, it's obviously ramen."

"…What?"

"The solution. The thing that can always get you to relax and feel happy no matter what. Ramen."

Saeki felt horror filling his whole form. Why had he decided asking Shindou for advice was a good idea? He couldn't remember. Oh yeah—parallels, right?

"Shindou," Saeki began carefully, eyeing Shindou's mouth for signs of frothing, "while ramen is a very wonderful thing, I notice that it didn't help you during those months you disappeared from the go world. How did you recover from thatslump or whatever it was?"

Something about Shindou changed, then. It was subtle—a slight change of posture, a strange tilt to his eyes, laugh-lines fading into a worry-lines—but suddenly Shindou seemed to be a different person, just for an instant.

And just for that instant, Saeki felt guilty about asking, about bringing up what was obviously a sensitive topic. But hadn't Shindou brought it up himself, the last time they'd spoken?

But then Shindou's grin was back full force, cheeky and obnoxious and so in character that it was startling. "Weeeeeeell, I wouldn't say ramen had nothingto do with my recovery, but—"

"Shindou."

"I guess that what I had to do was remember what go really means to me, and what's really important to me, and to the people I love. There was something I needed to find, something that I couldn't play go without. I looked for it everywhere, but in the end… I found it in myself."

Saeki, shocked at the serious answer he'd finally received from Shindou, simply stared for a moment, before he managed to shake it off. "What was it?" His eyes strayed to the pocket that he knewalways housed that cheap fan that Shindou treasured so dearly. "Like a lucky charm or something?"

Shindou's eyes were unfocused. It was disconcerting. "No. Something much more important."

Saeki remained silent for a moment, sensing that Shindou would not yield to more questioning. Then he said, "I can't think of anything like that that could be screwing with my go. Anything I've lost or whatever."

Shindou slurped on his soda again, fingering the straw thoughtfully. "And there's nothing that's bothering you? Outside of being yesterday's news, I mean."

Thanks, Shindou. You spare my tender ego no amount of gentleness. "Well… There's something else. Something small. Not really an issue or anything."

Shindou perked up immediately, the corners of his lips twitching. "Oh? Let's hear it."

"Actually, it's something I'd rather not discuss at the present time—"

"Saeki-san. Seriously. If you want more than my ramen-solution—which is just what everyone needs, by the way, I don't know why you're complaining—you've gotta give me something to work with."

"Shindou, I've spent agesgiving you stuff to work with, and—"

"And I'm working with it. It doesn't help if it's only half the problem, though."

"I wouldn't rate it as half. My insecurity in the go world is like 98.6percent of the problem, and Ashiwara is more like—"

"Ashiwara?!" Shindou laughed. "No way! He makes golden-boy-Isumi look like a brick-toting hooligan out to steal grandma's cane."

What?

"Isumi?" he asked instead, feeling awkwardly as though that name should be familiar to him.

"A friend of mine who became a pro last year. You know. Waya's boy-toy?"

Saeki flushed and choked. "…Boy-toy?"

"Anyway, what's Ashiwara done that's making you all cute and blushy?"

"I'm not—he's not—I don't—he—" Saeki stopped and breathed, and then carefully avoided Shindou's eye as he decided to just get on with it. "He sort of… told me that he likes me."

Shindou had leaned over the table to catch the last few words, and when he did, the explosive laugh that followed made Saeki lean back, irritated and already beginning to regret his decision.

When Shindou finally calmed down, he asked in an almost sober voice, "So, what's the trouble? He's cute, right? Even if he's old."

Saeki twitched at that. I am not old, you little twat. You knowAshiwara and I are the same age. "Despite what you may think, Shindou, someone's physical appearance isn't the only thing to look at when deciding whether or not to date someone."

Shindou looked shocked, and for a moment Saeki was horrified for anyone Shindou ever dated, but then Shindou revealed the cause for his surprise. "Deciding? Didn't you say yes?"

"No! I said—I said…"

"You said no?"

"…No…" Saeki could see the confusion on Shindou's face, and felt a blush crawl onto his face.

"…So… what did you say?" Shindou prompted.

"…Nothing."

"…Nothing?"

Saeki cleared his throat. "I just sort of… stood there."

"And since then?"

"Er… I haven't really… We haven't… Ah… The subject hasn't been broached again."

"How long has it been?"

"Eh… Two-ish weeks?"

Shindou stared at him as though wondering if this was just a joke. "Two weeks? And you haven't done anything?"

"I don't know what to do!"

"Tell him how you feel!"

"I don't knowhow I feel!" Saeki snapped, and then winced when he saw pity grow in Shindou's eyes. There's nothing worse than being pitied by someone like Shindou, a notorious social disgrace (who somehow seemed to have befriended everyone. Maybe Saeki was just looking at things from the wrong end of the ballpark). "So?"

"So what?" Shindou asked, still staring at Saeki dubiously.

"So what should I do?"

"Saeki-san… I really think that you need to give him an answer. I really think you need to give yourselfan answer. It's gotta be the indecisiveness that's tearing you apart, distracting you from your go."

Thank you, Captain Obvious. "What if I can't find an answer?"

Shindou grinned. "Just choose one! You either like him or you don't. Fifty-fifty. One of them has to be the truth, doesn't it?"

"Er, yeah. I guess. Okay. Yeah."

One of them has to be the truth

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Waya whistled cheerfully as he went about locking his door before skipping down the hall.He gazed up at the overcast sky and thought all those grey clouds looked rather pretty.

…Okay, maybe he was overdoing it. But still, he was going to meet Isumi for a study session at one of their old go salon hang-outs, and he was more than a little bit hopeful that the evening would end with the two sharing dinner at some nearby restaurant.

Waya glanced at the sky again and wondered if it would rain. He hadn't thought to check the weather reports before leaving his apartment, so he hadn't brought an umbrella. If it did rain, and if Isumi had an umbrella, maybe they'd share?

Waya blushed and hurriedly tried to stomp that thought out of existence. Just friends, he remembered. Don't forget, we're just friends.

Still, the image wouldn't leave his mind, and as the sky continued to darken while Waya made his way over to the go salon, Waya's cheeks darkened with it.

Isumi was already seated in the go salon when Waya arrived, and seeing the way the slim button-down fit across the older man's shoulders convinced Waya that lingering at the entrance was definitely the best option. He disguised his desperate need for recovery by pretending to survey the menu whilst he focused his mind on unattractive thoughts in the hope that maybe the colour in his cheeks would finally fade.

After he had collected himself as much as he was able, he finally ordered a hot chocolate and, once he had received his order, headed over to the table where Isumi was waiting for him.

"Hey," said Waya, attempting to exude nonchalance and failing miserably.

Isumi glanced up and gave a smile so sweet that Waya could feel his internal organs rearranging themselves as his face quickly turned crimson. After all that work getting himself back under control again…

But Isumi just smiled wider and invited Waya to sit down. The two began to replay a game, Isumi leaning on one elbow and staring at the board in concentration, and Waya cradling his hot chocolate and doing his absolute best not to let his eyes drift down Isumi's form.

No, no, no! Act normal!he chastised himself, feeling his face turn even more red. He didn't even realize he'd zoned out until he felt a soft touch to his wrist and started, spilling hot chocolate all over his hands and yelping as he did so. Isumi hurried to grab some napkins, flushed with embarrassment and spouting babbling apologies over and over.

"Are you alright?!" was Isumi's last exclamation, and Waya finally had to burst out laughing at Isumi's expression.

"I'm fine, I'm fine!" he sniggered, grinning up at Isumi, who slowly grinned back. Their eyes caught, and Waya just stared for a moment, mesmerized by the gentleness in the older man's dark gaze.

A particularly loud clack from the goban next to theirs snapped Waya out of his reverie, and, yet again bright red, he stammeringly made some inane observation about the game they were reviewing. Isumi somehow managed to pull enough worth out of his comment to continue that train of thought, and their discussion continued.

It was only when his blush had finally faded that Waya realized, suddenly and heartstoppingly, that for him to have been caught up in Isumi's gaze all that time, Isumi must have been staring right back at him.

He glanced up at Isumi, trying to read the older man's expression, but Isumi seemed completely focused on the game. Waya puffed out his cheeks and slumped down, frowning in slight disappointment.

Isumi's lips twitched.

Waya sat ramrod straight, staring at Isumi, wondering if he'd imagined it. Isumi once again appeared to be absorbed in the game, but Waya was certain he'd seen that split-second smile.

Don't be an idiot! Isumi turned you down, remember? You're just imagining things, or misinterpreting them, or something. You promised you wouldn't read everything that happens in a romantic light. So stop being stupid!

"Are you okay, Waya?" asked Isumi softly, and Waya couldn't help but let himself be caught in that gaze once again.

He stubbornly shook himself free and said, "I'm fine. Why do you ask?"

"You seem a bit… distracted."

Waya stared closely, and no, he wasn't imagining that almost microscopic smile. Was Isumi laughing at him?! He scowled briefly, unaware that he was pouting as well.

"I'm just hungry," he said. "Do you wanna go catch something to eat?"

"Sushi?" asked Isumi, his smile growing.

"Preferably," grinned Waya.

"Sounds great," Isumi laughed, already standing up to leave. Waya's breath caught as he watched Isumi's body smoothly unfold itself, and hurriedly followed.

When they reached the door, he saw with dismay that his early ponderings about the weather had turned out spot on. Romantic daydreams were all very well, but the real world worked in a rather different way, and the thought of eating out with Isumi while looking like a drowned rat made his stomach turn unpleasantly.

"Didn't you bring an umbrella, Waya?" asked Isumi, a touch of a amusement in his voice as he brandished his own. Waya opened his mouth to respond, but rather than continue his teasing, Isumi just said, "Here, share mine."

"W-what?!" squeaked Waya.

Isumi blinked at him, surprised, and flushed. "Er… Is that not alright? If you want, you can use it and I'll just walk in the rain—I don't really mind."

Waya recovered himself and managed to say, "No, sharing is fine." He hoped he didn't look too ecstatic or anything. Talk about embarrassing.

"Are you sure? I really don't mind being without it; if it makes you uncomfortable to share, I can—"

"Isumi-san! Seriously, it's fine." To prove his point, Waya manoeuvred them under the umbrella and tugged them into the rain. When they were almost to the station, Waya glanced up at Isumi, taking in the scattered droplets of moisture that were clinging to Isumi's skin and hair and the soft flush in the older man's cheeks. He leaned a little deeper into Isumi's warmth, ready to blame his action on further escaping from the pouring rain. Isumi didn't say anything, but his arm came up around Waya to pull him closer. Waya blushed, and tentatively reached up to grab a hold of Isumi's jacket.

Was this really happening?

As if on cue, a bicycle came up the narrow path, the rider precariously balancing an umbrella on a handlebar as she negotiated the bend in the path. Waya gently shoved Isumi into the partition on the side of the path and pressed up against him to give the cyclist room. When she'd passed, he tried to pull away, but discovered that Isumi's arms had come up around him and were holding him in place. He looked up at Isumi questioningly and found that he didn't have to look up quite as far as normal. Isumi's face was scant inches away from his, cheeks flushed and warm breath falling on Waya's lips. Waya sucked in a sharp breath and waited, hardly daring to believe that this was happening, that this was real, not bothering to wonder why or how…

Another bicycle rode by, the sudden movement making Isumi jump and push Waya away.

Waya frowned, a bit hurt, and brushed himself off, barely aware of the rain that was quickly soaking him now that he was no longer under the protection of the umbrella.

He looked back at Isumi, who was staring at him in horror.

…The hell? Was almost kissing Waya really that bad?

"Waya…"

"Isumi-san." Waya was wet and hurt and not in the mood to face another rejection. What was going on? Why was Isumi acting this way?

Isumi sighed and tugged Waya back under the umbrella. Waya went with the motion, but stiffly, and unsmiling. "I suppose… We should probably talk."

You think?

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Saeki twiddled nervously with his wristwatch, then his sleeve, then his keys, then back to his watch. He glanced quickly at the time, then returned to twiddling.

He was at the go institute, waiting for Morishita's study session to begin. More importantly, he was waiting for the Touya study group to begin, because that would mean that Ashiwara would have to show up, and when Ashiwara showed up, Saeki would tell him—

—something.

Shit. Time was ticking, and he still hadn't made a definite decision as to what to say. Every time he thought he certainly felt one way for Ashiwara, he'd realize that no, he didn't, not at all.

'You either like him or you don't.'

Easy for Shindou to say. He didn't have to sort through the mess of emotions flooding through Saeki's head in order to figure out which one was prominent or perpetual or whatever.

Shiiiiiiiiiit.What was he going to do?

Hadn't someone once told him something like, 'If you're not sure, the answer is no'? His stomach clenched when he thought of turning down Ashiwara, but wasn't that the best thing to do? The kindest thing to do? It was one thing to lie and say you didn't like someone, but fakingfeelings… Wasn't that a whole different low? Pretending to like someone when you really don't? Drawing Ashiwara into a false sense of security until Saeki would break and run, unable to keep up the lie?

So that was it that. Say no. Yeah. He'd have to say that he didn't return Ashiwara's feelings.

No problem, right? A cold feeling was creeping upon him, and he shivered, trying to ignore the sickness building up within him.

"Saeki~kun?"

Saeki blinked, and there was Ashiwara, smiling gently at him.

Shit. Ican'tdothiscan'tdothiscan'ttellhimthatI—

Calm. Come on. "Hey... Ashiwara-san, I wanted to—to talk. With you. A… talk."

To Ashiwara's credit, he didn't laugh straight out in the face of Saeki's weird behaviour, though his eyes crinkled at the corners.

He is cuteBut it's not like I've never noticed that before, and I didn't lie when I told Shindou that that's not all I'm looking for…

But what is?

"What is it that you'd like to tell me, Saeki-ku~n?"

"I—about what you told me, you know, before, when you said that you—about me, that you have… that you—"

Ashiwara waited patiently, his smile unwavering.

Saeki floundered, searching for the words and failing. "I—you… I just don't like you that way, Ashiwara-san. I don't feel the same way you do." But was that the truth?

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"The truth is, I feel the same way you do, Waya," Isumi sighed. "I turned you down because we can't enter into a relationship yet. You're—you're just too young, Waya."

Waya stared at Isumi blankly, unable to believe what he was hearing. Too young? Well, yeah, he was a lot younger than Isumi, but surely not so young that he deserved being brushed off and lied to.

When he didn't receive any response, Isumi continued, "I didn't want to leave you hanging, make you feel as though you had to ignore anyone else who comes your way until you're old enough that I'm no longer such an awful creeper for feeling this way about you, so I thought it'd be best to just say no, without explaining all of this."

Better to lie to me, you mean.

Waya could feel the cold fury building up within, fighting to make its way out. He kept his face down, letting his bangs hide his eyes, and remained silent.

"Waya?"

This sounded like a drama, except that dramas don't hurt this badly. Waya supposed he should be happy—Isumi was saying that he liked Waya back, after all. Except, he was saying a lot of other things, too, things he maybe didn't even realize he was saying. Things like, 'Guess what, Waya? You know all that anxiety and awkwardness and fear you felt around me, trying to make sure you didn't make me too uncomfortable or force your feelings on me? Well, you didn't have to have bothered worrying about all that. Quite a lot of wasted effort, wasn't it?" Things like "You know that pain you felt when I turned you down, like a punch straight in the heart? You remember standing there, broken and mortified and vulnerable, and the effort it took to smile and walk away, to make it back to the privacy of your apartment before you fell apart? Well, you needn't have felt all that, either. Isn't that funny?"

Funny…

"Waya?"

Funny…

"Is this a joke?" he croaked out.

"What?" Isumi's voice sounded surprised, but Waya didn't chance a glance upward.

"This. A joke."

"Wha-no. I don't understand—how could you even ask me that? How could you even think that?" Isumi sounded a little angry now, confused and frustrated and hurt.

Waya felt a tiny spark of guilt, but it was quickly smothered by the fury beating its way through his entire system.

How dare you?! How dare you make this sort of decision for me? As though I can't decide for myself whether I'd rather wait for you or move on.

As though my feelings aren't as real as yours.

Waya turned around and walked out into the rain.

"Waya? Waya! What—"

Waya ran. He ran as fast as he could through the downpour, splashing through puddles and skidding on the wet pavement until he arrived, panting, at the station, and hopped on the train back to his apartment.

If this were a romance story, he thought, I'd make some comment about the rain masking my tears or something.

It sort of really was, not that he was willing to admit to it.

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Ashiwara was polite but quiet in response, and the two parted ways in amicable discomfort. When Saeki arrived at his own study session and settled down to play, he found—to Morishita's chagrin—that his go was worse than ever.

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-END CHAPTER THREE-
-TBC-

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[A/N: Final instalment will be up on some time next week.]