I think I'm starting to see what I want to happen in this story. This chapter is kind of a transition chapter, so I'm not sure it's very interesting. I hope it will not disappoint. Just give me feeback, tell me how you feel about it. Bisous.
Absolutely everything smelled like him. It wasn't surprising, since she was in his room, lying on his bed. What was surprising was that it was the same smell as two years ago. The smell of old books, sweat and cheap cologne.
Blair turned on the side to look at the time on the nightstand clock. It was only six in the morning. Nate wouldn't be up before four hours at least, and Serena slept much more since she was pregnant. But Blair knew Dan had always been the early bird type.
She used to tell him he had a problem, back when they were dating. She had found him numerous times wandering around the penthouse, waiting for her to get up. The fact that he seemed to completely ignore the concept of having a lie-in was irritating. So she would lure him back to bed by losing a piece of clothing here and there.
But all of that was in the past. If she were to get up and find him busy in the kitchen, she would only be allowed to nod politely and greet him. And because he was Dan, he would answer, out of manner; but that would be it.
Their relationship was certainly the most complex Blair had ever experienced. First they hated each other, because he didn't meet her Upper East Side standards and he found her shallow. Then they became civilized to one another, because they both loved Serena and they did attend the same college for a year. Then they became friends, but denied they were for a long, long time. By the time she was ready to admit it, she was engaged to another man.
She couldn't bear to reminisce the rest of the evolution of them. She knew she would eventually come to a point where it would become painful to remember. And she was the only one to blame for it.
The rain had stopped. Ever since she had arrived, Blair had only witnessed a stormy weather. But she could tell that day the sun was going to make an appearance. It didn't appease her. She heard the doorknob clicking and she stiffened. When the door opened slowly, with a slight creaked, she closed her eyes, pretending to sleep.
She knew it was Dan. She recognized the way his feet dragged on the wooden floor. Blair could tell he was trying to be quiet, so she kept feigning the slumber. She heard a fumbling of papers over at his desk, small items being moved around. Then loud bump and Dan swearing. Blair decided it was time to stop pretending. She sat on the bed and saw him bent over, the look on his face picturing his silent pain.
"It's okay" she said "I wasn't sleeping"
Dan lifted his eyes at her.
"I bumped my knee. I wasn't saying 'shit' because I was afraid of waking you up."
He rubbed his knee while Blair sighed.
"Of course, you weren't" she said, getting out of the bed.
Dan looked at her in her fancy silk babydoll. At first, he thought what he was seeing was due to the pain he was experiencing. Then he blamed it on the semi-darkness that was probably falsifying his sight. But Dan knew it was none of that. He had dated Blair for a while, and he still remembered exactly how she looked like two years ago.
"You gained" he couldn't help saying, amazed that he was only seeing it now.
Her hips, her stomach and her thighs were rounder. Her cheeks were more filled and even her breast seemed to have emphasized. Blair seemed shocked, probably not by the fact itself, but by the way Dan had stated it. She put her arms around her body, like she was embarrassed but looked at him defiantly.
"So what?" she asked defiantly. "I thought you didn't care for that sort of things."
Dan stood up straight "I don't. I just thought you did" he told her.
"Well, it seems like you don't really know me"
"At least we can both agree on that" Dan said. He turned around to pick up his notebook and his pencil on his desk and walked to the door. "I would offer you to come have breakfast with me, but…" he replaced the rest of his sentence by a wave toward her, toward her body. Then he left the room.
It was low. It was childish. He knew it. But at that moment, it felt good. It felt wrong too. Dan had never been the bullying type, and what he had just done was disgusting. He had probably hurt her in one of the most horrible way one could hurt Blair Waldorf. As he was making his way to the kitchen, he imagined her kneeling in front of a toilet, because of something he would have said. When had he become this type of person?
He sat at the kitchen table and opened his notebook. He was taking his pencil in hand when Blair stormed into the kitchen. She was looking at him with a disgusted face.
"You are such an asshole" she told him, despise in her voice.
At least they could both agree on that too.
"Leave me, alone, Blair" he said in a tired tone.
"You know, if you didn't want me here, you could have just said so"
"Come on, Blair. You know that I will pathetically always be there to help you. That's why you came here" Dan snapped
"What you just said wasn't helping me"
"What do you want me to do, Blair?" Dan's voice had gotten louder "Make you hot cocoa while we sit so I can explain to you what you should do before you can go back to Chuck?"
"I want you to forget whatever happened between us and to be there for me."
"You cannot be serious, Blair"
Dan was starting to get nervous; he did not want to fight with Blair. He needed to do something with his hands and writing wasn't an option at the moment. So he got up and went to fill a glass with water.
"Yes, Dan. I am serious. I am a selfish, egocentric bitch and even knowing what I've done to you I still expect you to be there for me. If that surprises you, then perhaps you really didn't know me at all."
Dan put down his glass without taking one sip from it and turned to her.
"No, Blair. I take back what I said. I know you. I know you damn well. I think that once again, you're the one who doesn't know who you are."
Blair didn't answer. He had told her that once before. They were looking at each other and broke the contact only because Serena was entering the kitchen, mumbling about being starved. She poured herself a glass of orange juice and sat at the table.
"I'm going to look for a doctor today" she said "I need to be followed; the baby is due at the end of the summer. Nate said he would come with me."
Serena could probably sense the lingering tension caused by their unfinished conversation, but she was looking at them like she hadn't seen nor heard anything.
"What are you guys waiting to make me breakfast?"
It was Blair's exit opportunity.
"What do you want, amour?" she asked Serena while opening the fridge.
While Serena started listing her desires, Dan took his notebook and went to Nate's room. He could have sworn he heard Blair sigh when he left the kitchen. Dan got inside Nate's room without knocking, finding him asleep. Dan hit him on the head with his notebook. Nate practically jumped out of his sleep.
"Serena? Are you okay?"
"She's fine, you moron. I can't say the same thing for you, though"
Nate blinked while looking sleepily at Dan who sat on the edge of the bed.
"Did you just hit me with your notebook?"
"You're going to the doctor with her? Are you out of your fucking mind?"
"She can't go, alone, she doesn't know the island and she is almost eight months pregnant. What if something happens on the way? It's the responsible thing to do"
Dan didn't want to fight with Nate either, even when he was being such an idiot.
"No, Nate, the responsible thing for you to do was telling her I would go look for a doctor with her. Do you even realize what you're getting yourself into?"
"I'm fine, Dan. Besides, she's not the one you're supposed to be helping. While we're gone, it might give you time to sort things out with Blair."
"Mind your own business, will you?" Dan immediately regretted his tone. And apparently, so did Nate.
"Alright" he said, getting out of the bed. "Do whatever you want, I'm going to the doctor with Serena. And the next time you have one of those dreams, don't come and ask me what meaning it has. Because whatever the dream will be, the meaning will always be that you are a fucking coward who didn't even think of fighting for the girl he wanted. It was too convenient for you to crawl back into your gloomy hole and go tell everyone that you had once again gotten screwed over by those trust fund kids."
Nate slammed the door behind him, and Dan cursed himself. He hadn't fought with Nate in two years. It only took two women for everything to get messed up. Dan hated women. He went to his own room, on his bed but never opened his notebook. He hadn't slept well, the night before, too possessed with the idea of Blair in his bed. He remembered the first time she had fallen asleep in his bed in Brooklyn; she was engaged to another man, in love with a third one, and still, his bed had been the only place where she could forget that she was no longer a mother.
It's amazing the amount of beauty products Jenny left there. There is one for cleaning the face, and another one for after cleaning the face. One for the little red dots, one for God knows what. Dan doesn't understand women. What has become of the good old soap bar? He puts all of Jenny's stuff in a closet and goes on with removing every trace of his existence from the bathroom. He laughs when he pictures Blair encountering one of his already used razors.
When he gets out, she is sitting on his couch, her shoes are off. He loves seeing her sitting there, so casually, as if she felt like home, in his home.
She asks for his advice, and he tries to help her, because he is starting to think it's what he does best these days. They do pros and cons about the two men she can't seem to choose between, leaving him out of the equation. He is also starting to realize that unless he steps up, he'll probably never be an option. So he does, step up.
"It wouldn't to me" he says, but she doesn't hear what he wants her to hear. She hears what she wants to hear. What she will always find excuses to hear.
He goes out to buy some food, and when he gets back, she is crying again. He is sick of seeing her cry, so he decides to do what will make her happy. Because it is what he knows how to do best.
"Dan" Her voice didn't come from his dream, it was much clearer. Dan opened his eyes to find Blair standing next to his bed. Her hair was wet, she was obviously just getting out of the shower. "There is someone here, for you" she said.
It took Dan a little while to process, then when he saw her getting out of his room, he understood that he should follow.
"Where are Nate and Serena?" he asked, taking in how quiet the house was
"They went to look for a doctor, remember?" Blair's tone was sharp, and she was probably trying to show him that she was still pissed by their morning conversation.
They got to the living room together and Dan's heart skipped a beat. The tall blond girl, with the delicious cleavage and the very gifted mouth from the other night is standing there. Dan looked at Blair who was suspiciously eying the girl.
"Hi" the girl said, a bit shyly.
"Hi…"Dan replied, feeling like the biggest asshole.
She blushed a little because it was so obvious he didn't remember her name.
"Marla" she said and it didn't ring a bell in Dan's mind.
"Marla, right, sorry. I just woke up" he coughed in his fist "Hum, how…how have you been?"
"Good" she nodded "Thanks. I only came by because I think I left a toe ring here, the other night…"
Blair snorted at the words "toe-ring".
"It's a gift from my grandmother and I would've come pick it up sooner but there was the tropical storm and…"
"Oh yeah, sure" Dan said "Hum, do you know where you could've left it? We haven't cleaned the house since…"
He looked again at Blair who was now looking back at him. It felt so awkward.
"I think under the couch would be a good start" Marla said, almost dancing on her feet.
"Okay, well, let's do this"
The both moved toward to the couch to push it aside. Dan's body stiffened when he heard Blair ask:
"Will you stay for lunch, Marla? Our friends are going to be back soon and I have a chicken in the oven."
Marla's eyes went from the floor to Blair, then Dan "No thanks, my cousin is actually waiting for me" she said with a polite smile.
Dan almost screamed of happiness when he spotted the little silver ring on the carpet.
"There you go" he said, a little too hastily perhaps.
"Thank you" Marla whispered, obviously relieved. She took out a left shoe and Dan and Blair both watched as she slid the ring on one of her toes.
"I feel less naked" she laughed, the same wind chimes laugh as three nights before.
Blair offered her a fake understanding smile and rolled her eyes once Marla looked over at Dan.
"I've got an invitation for a private view tonight" she said "It's a local painter, but I hear he is getting very popular in Netherlands. My cousin isn't much of an art person so I was wondering if…maybe…"
"Oh…" Dan wasn't sure what to answer. He had no reasons to say no; he had had fun with her the other night and anything sounded better than staying in a house with Blair and Nate. Still, perhaps it was time for him to stop running from confrontation. "Sure" he said "Hum…how about we meet in front of the bar at 8?"
"Perfect" she said with a bright smile. "I'll see you there" she walked herself to the door and waved at Blair. "It was nice to meet you"
"Alright" Blair answered, the same fake smile plastered on her face.
The door closed behind Marla, leaving Dan and Blair in a heavy silence. Dan wanted to say something, he just didn't know what.
"Blair…"
"You don't have to explain yourself" Blair said, going to the kitchen.
Dan followed her "I wanna apologize, for what I said this morning. It was the anger talking I…"
"It's okay, Dan; I probably deserved it"
Blair bent down to check on the chicken through the oven glass.
"You did, but it doesn't make it right" Dan said, and Blair didn't answer. "Since when do you know how to cook?" he couldn't help asking.
"I've been spending a lot of time with my father ever since…anyway, he loves to cook and I didn't know how much I would until I tried it"
The mystery of the last two years of her life was getting clearer. She had been in France a lot, since she was with her father.
"I've thrown accusations at you" Dan said "But you never actually told us; were you with Chuck, all this time?"
Blair stood up and leaned against the kitchen counter, looking at him.
"Yes" she said.
"Then what happened?" Dan asked "Didn't you get what you wanted?"
"I wouldn't know where to start"
Dan thought about what he wanted to know. He didn't want to ask the big questions right away. Why did you choose him? Why didn't you tell me? Have you ever loved me?
"What's with the weight gain?" he asked.
Her breath itched. She wanted to be honest with him, because after everything, she owed him at least that. But being honest with him would bring her to be honest with herself, and she was not ready for that.
"Chuck had always been sure of his power of seduction over me. Until I walked out on him for you. I think he realized that it was actually possible for me to choose someone else"
She paused and Dan couldn't stand it.
"So?" he urged her.
"So, when I went back to him, I had to prove that it was him, and only him. It's stupid, really, but I thought that if I gained weight, other men wouldn't look at me and Chuck would be appeased."
Dan stood there in shock. There was no way what he just heard had come out of Blair Waldorf's mouth.
"Blair, do you realize what you're telling me?"
"I know" Blair's eyes had filled with water. "I was desperate, Dan. I was trying so hard to show him that I was there for him and he could only focus on getting back his company"
"And that was the only thing you found to show him?" Dan was astonished "Blair…I mean…why would you resolve to such an extreme mesure?"
"I loved him" she answered without flinching.
The words stung Dan's heart. Until he realized she had used the past tense. The front door opened and Serena came in, calling for Blair. When she arrived in the kitchen, she started blabbering about how a new doctor suited her. Nate followed but didn't grant Dan of a word, not even a look.
They all set the table and ate lunch together, listening to whatever Serena had to say. From time to time, Blair could feel Dan's glare on her.
