Author's Note:

From this point on (unless otherwise notified), Inuyasha's diary entries will be his thoughts looking back at events. They will be italicized. The plain text is either the actual event he remembers (which, Inuyasha will say in his diary) or real time events. Its really not that difficult, its really a sequence of events anyway, but please keep these details in mind.


Chapter Three:
Believing in Beauty

At night, it was harder to write because of the dark. When the moon was bright enough it was easy. My sharp eyes could see anything. Tonight was definitely not bright enough. And my eyes were not their usual sharpness. I had a candle with me. It smelled of wax and lavender, Kaede's favorite. She made her own candles. The light gave my black hair an eerie glow. I felt vulnerable, and more aware of my human feelings, which didn't make things easier on me.
Miroku had found me a few nights ago, asleep by the well. I didn't remember being that tired, let alone falling asleep. I woke up in Kaede's sleeping hut the next day towards dusk. Miroku came in and woke me up to talk.
I remember him shaking me awake.

"Inuyasha, wake up. This is not healthy. You must not let yourself become exhausted. How long has it been since you last slept?" I tried to open my eyes, and failed. He had pushed the door curtain over so that light would come through. Keh, too bright.

"Inuyasha, did you hear me?" he asked. I grumbled.

"Yes, yes, how long since I last slept? Uhm, about thirteen seconds," I mumbled, turning over. He sighed.

"Inuyasha," he scolded. Lately, Miroku become… sort of a father figure. Sort of. Not in the way that he could tell me what to do or how to behave, but in the way that if I needed help or advice, I knew he would help. It was a new feeling for me; to trust a friend so closely. Maybe he was more of a brother. I wouldn't know, I didn't have either as a reference.

"I don't know how long it's been. I just… I can't. I don't want to. When I sleep, I dream. And when I dream…" I faded, closing my eyes, seeing visions of Kagome being pulled into the Meido, seeing her crying, falling into her mothers arms. "I don't like to relive it. The last moments I saw her, she was crying. I can't help but to think that she hasn't stopped."

Miroku frowned.

"When I don't sleep I don't dream. And when I do crash from exhaustion, there are no dreams. I haven't had any since…uhm," I said, realizing something, "Uhm, how long have I been asleep?

"Almost a day. Its dusk," he said. I was impressed with myself. Miroku was not.

"Inuyasha," he said. "You've got to break this. She wouldn't have wanted you to act like this and you know it. I'm not saying to forget about her. I know that is not an option for you. But you could at least keep yourself healthy. Move on from the dreams. They are just dreams." He said. I sat up.

"Miroku, I can't control my dreams, and I can't tell the difference between awake and asleep while I'm dreaming," I said, feeling slightly sleepy again from sitting up too fast.

"I know that, but if you convince yourself that those memories are simply memories, then your mind will not taunt you with them anymore."

"You say that like I haven't been trying to convince myself to do that for the past three years," I said dryly. Does he think I enjoy being miserable?

I sighed. Now I was awake. I flopped back down on my pillow. There will be no more sleeping right now. Stupid, persistent Monk.

"Maybe you should try training during the day. You know, to build back your strength and you can go back to sleeping every few days because you'll be tired from training."

That didn't seem like a bad idea. I wasn't out of shape, or anything like that. I was in shape whether I slept for 2 years or didn't. But I haven't used Tetsusaiga in what feels like forever... Some exercise wouldn't hurt.

"Alright Miroku. I'll try."

That was a few nights ago. I haven't slept since that day; granted, that was enough sleep to keep me awake for a month. I have been exercising, I've been running to build up stamina. I'd run long distances. It kept my mind of things.

But tonight, being human sharply reminded me of everything. Of Kagome, of Kikyo, of Naraku, of how tired I was…

I didn't know if I could deal with my dreams tonight though. I haven't tried it yet, and I wasn't about to dive right in with my emotion-crazed human soul. Usually, I saved my "crash-sleep" for my human nights, so I wouldn't have to deal with dreams and my human heart killing each other.

The part I feared most about the dreams wasn't when Kagome was in danger, or when I was in danger, or when I couldn't reach Kagome's hand when she fell in the Meido. It was when I found Kagome in the Shikon Jewel and kissed her. My mind loved to relive that. It was torture. It made my heart ache like you would not believe. When I relive that moment, seeing her eyes, her scent in my nose, her lips on mine... I can't even describe the feeling to myself.

I'd give anything to see her, to smell her scent, to kiss her.

Anything.

But I'd never admit that to anyone. Only myself.

Which reminds me, I know Miroku opened this diary and saw some of it, or at least had his hands on it. I guess when he brought me back, somehow he got ink on his hands, maybe from the ink well. There are fingerprints on the pages of my drawings. That's the only ones though, so I'm not sure how much he saw.

I'm not really ashamed. Everything I've written in this book I have come to terms with. I mean, I wouldn't go around announcing it to people, but I don't mind the one person I trust to glimpse it.

He thinks I don't know about him coming to check on me when I stay out late. I can smell him in the wind, watching me write at the well. When I run into him "on my way back" its because I heard him coming and saved him the trouble of asking me to return. I know he only saw the pages because he's curious about my mind's health.

And who wouldn't be? I write in this diary obsessively, practically talking to myself. I don't know why I took to this writing, but I'm glad I did. I always feel better after writing.

Except tonight. Me and my stupid human half. I still hate it. Its a horrible, ugly thing, even in appearance. Being a half-demon would be bearable if this didn't happen. But for some reason, I know I wouldn't change it, if given the chance. I've gotten over that now. Full demon or not, I'm capable of anything.

My mind doesn't seem too terribly pained tonight. Maybe because I'm writing. Who knows. I'm certainly not complaining.

I'd better go back to the village. They know I'm human. And every one of them will beat me if I stay out tonight. Even Shippo.

I went into the cooking hut, hoping the fire from dinner was still burning.

"Inuyasha, thank you for coming in early tonight. Miroku has been worried about you more than usual lately," Sango said to me as I sat down next to her. She was holding one of the little ones in her arms. Miroku must have the two older ones already in the sleeping hut.

"I know. I'm trying though. I'm training like he told me. I'm trying to improve." I said. Which was true. Even if my mind wasn't going to heal, I could retrain my body a little, instead of moping around like a loaf.
I could mope while being active.

We sat in the cooking hut, the fire pit in the middle. I sat across from her. The heat from the fire felt so comforting. The weather was starting to get a little colder at night. Summer would be ending soon. Kagome would be starting school.

I glanced at the child in Sango's arms. Sango had a look on her face that expressed pure happiness at the child.

That should be us right now. We should be contemplating a family together. Or at least a life together…

She saw me looking at the child, and said, "This one couldn't sleep so I brought him in here. The warmth helps."

I looked away, into the fire. I stared into it for a long time. I'm not sure how long exactly, but it felt like forever. I don't think I was thinking really. The dancing embers numbed my mind.

I didn't stop until I realized that Sango had been staring, too… but at me. I looked up.

"Uhm, Sango?" I said, and her eyes seemed to focus in on my face, coming back from somewhere.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I wasn't staring; just thinking in your direction." She looked down, embarrassed. She was looking at my obnoxious human appearance. No matter how many times anyone saw it, they still marveled at it. Even Kaede. I wish they wouldn't.

"Where you thinking about me?" I said. It sounded retarded as soon as I said it. Sango and I had grown closer in the three years living in the village together, but there was still an awkward distance. And when you add in the fact that socializing and I don't really mix well, it gets more awkward.

"Yeah, I was thinking about you," she said, surprising me. "I was actually thinking about something Kagome said to me…about you," she said, timidly. I could tell she was worried if I was okay with talking about her.

"Sango, you can tell me. It still hurts, but after three years, I've been through worse than anything you could possibly tell me." Which was entirely true.

"I just don't want to upset you." She said. She cradled the child closer in her arms. I smiled.

"You can tell me." I don't know why I suddenly felt at ease talking with her. Maybe it was the child. I suddenly felt comfortable with my surroundings. But that might've been the warmth of the embers and my heavy lids.

"A while before we were even close to Naraku, it might've even been before Mount Hakurei, Kagome told me something about you, about when you had your human nights," she said. I could feel her eyes on me. I looked up and saw that she was searching my face. I nodded for her to continue.

"She said she always liked your black hair and your brown eyes. She wished you could see how beautiful you were, the way she saw you."

Her words gave me chills. Kagome thought I was beautiful? As a human? That's exactly the opposite of how I felt. I felt wrong, out of place, and powerless. Like I could barely defend my name, let alone my life.

And she saw beauty?

I could feel Sango eyeing me. I looked at her. I tried to ask her something but this was what came out: "R-really?"

Sango smiled and nodded. "Yes. And she's right, Inuyasha. You shouldn't feel wrong like this. Its not a disguise. This is who you are, and you are beautiful."

I could feel my cheeks becoming hot, and I blamed it on the stupid embers. I knew she wasn't flirting with me. That'd be weird.
But it still felt strange to have someone call me… beautiful.

And not just me…but me as a human. Half demons were disgusting, waste of life creatures that had too little power to be accepted by demons, and too much to be accepted by humans.

And yet, here I am, being told that I'm beautiful.

"Inuyasha? Uhm, that wasn't all she said." I looked at her, and nodded. I'm glad she knew I needed to process this one piece at a time.

"She, uhm, also said you were beautiful as a transformed demon, too." I felt my heart skip a beat. She continued, "It was before I'd seen you turn into a demon, so she had to explain it to me. She said she was afraid of your claws and your strength because you didn't recognize her while you transformed, but she said your face markings were mystifying, and you moved beautifully."

There she goes, using that word again.

"What do you mean, 'I moved'?" I asked.

"Well, when I first saw you transform, I didn't know what to expect, but as soon as I saw you, I knew what she meant. You move with more agility, accuracy... But you knew that part. What you don't realize is that you also move with grace."

Grace was a synonym for beauty. I frowned. I wish I could hear these words from Kagome.

"You're so precise and controlled. Its amazing, really..." she said. I knew Kagome had said those things, not Sango. The look in her eye told me so.

"She really did admire you, Inuyasha," she whispered. My heart skipped like 9 beats. Stupid human heart.

"I… I had no idea. I knew she cared, but…" I faded. I didn't know when she started loving me. Or admiring me. But the more I learn about her, the more I realized how much I've missed.

"Sango, why wait until now to tell me?"

"I wasn't sure if I should tell you or not. Some human nights it would've made you angry. Others: ferociously upset. I waited until you could handle it."

"Oh, alright." I said. What else was I to say?

I was quiet for a while. I told Sango it was so the little one could fall asleep, but I was really just... thinking. When I did slip into slumber though, Sango said goodnight, and went to the sleeping hut.
I laid down next to the remains of the fire. The warmth was soothing and numbing at once.

As I drifted off into sleep, the words kept crossing my mind:

She wished you could see how beautiful you are, the way she saw you.
She really did admire you, Inuyasha.


Review please. (And really, don't flame me for Sango admiring Inuyasha. She's not all over him. He's just cute, can you blame her for staring? Say yes, and you're reading the wrong category of FanFics.)