My Immortal . . . Evanescence
So this is the third little installment in this little story. There will be a couple more, focusing in on some characters as Bella's suicide affects them. Don't know when Edward will come in, but I'm pretty sure it will be last since he has something special to do in the end. Something he does for Bella. So I'll let you ponder on that little thought as I leave you with this.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, or its characters, they belong to Stephenie Meyer. And I do not own some dialogue used in this story either, they belong to Melissa Rosenberg. But I do own this story and a copy of 'Ever After'. A truly beautiful movie.
Summary: I didn't want to see my father or Charlie or anyone else and see the solemn looks on their faces, knowing that we'd all lost her.
I should have known that Bella wasn't okay. The aloofness in her eyes and the way her skin seemed to sink into her bone wasn't normal, but the front that should put up had been so authentic to be that I didn't think to look past it. Of course I knew that a part of her was missing, the part that Edward took with him, but I thought that she'd been dealing with it; getting better.
Guilt consumed me; I could perceive a future with no Bella. Couldn't consider any life at all. For the past year and even before that I had been totally infatuated with Bella; besotted by the girl I'd known since I was a little boy. There was no point in my life where I didn't see Bella, because somehow in some way she had always been around.
It hurt me to realize that I hadn't helped her through this rough patch in her life. And although I hated what she'd done I didn't hate her. I could never hate Bella. Not even now. She'd left me in this world without her and I couldn't hate her because I loved her. And I always would.
She ended her life because she loved Edward though, she didn't love me. I wondered why I was still standing here grieving over someone who didn't love me back, but I knew the answer and that's why I never questioned what I did when it came to Bella; it all came naturally. Bella was the sun and I revolved around her, she was true and perfect, someone I loved not because of her looks but for the person she was inside. She wasn't perfect, nowhere the perfection someone would deem it so today, but to me she was beautiful. Always was and always would be.
I knew that in some way I'd pushed her away as well, pulling her close and then pushing her away. But then again we both did the same thing. She pushed me away and I pulled her close, I pushed her and she pulled me in. Ever since becoming a wolf I'd been doing just that. And then when I'd seen her losing hope in me . . . in us, I decided to pull her back.
It was then, when she was crying outside of my house and begging for me to come back to her that I realized I couldn't live without Bella. She needed me then and I wasn't there for her. I could have helped her, but I'd already turned my back. If I could take anything back, it would have been that day. Because that day might have changed something. It might have changed what she did to herself.
The ache in my heart was unbearable, knowing that some way down the line I'd been one of the reasons Bella turned her back on her life. But the majority of the blame went to Edward. She loved him with everything she had and he walked away from her. He walked away from everything she had been offering him.
It was him, it was always him.
She was the reason she killed herself. I was just something that helped her back her decision to leave this place easier. I didn't know how she could have done it though, turned her back on Charlie the way she had. He'd brought her in when her mother had wanted to spend time with someone else, he'd grown to love her and care for her although he hadn't really known her until a year ago.
There were so many people who'd be affected by her death. So many people who would look back and think about one situation that they could have changed. So many people who might think of those things that could have been, should have been or would have been if she hadn't taken her own life. People who would blame themselves for what she'd done.
They might think of what she would have worn to school the next day, or would she have moved on from Edward? Or would she have gone to Prom in her Senior year, would she have partied after graduation?
Bella was a life cut short because of a broken heart. She couldn't find reason without Edward; she couldn't find any hope in the life he'd left her in. Broken and tangled inside of her porcelain cement appearance, she convinced everyone that she okay. But she never was okay, she never had been okay. She'd always been broken; right from that day Edward left her she had never been whole. And she wouldn't be again.
It was like a modern day Romeo and Juliet, a forbidden romance that ended tragically. I wondered how Edward felt about this, if he cared. I wondered if he felt guilty, because he should have and I would have been angry if he hadn't. He had caused this. He deserved everything he got.
I hoped that she was in a better place; I hoped that she was happy.
As I looked down at her fragile body I let a small smile hang by a thread on my lips. Hoping that she was happy somewhere was good enough for me. But I knew I'd never be able to let her go. Bella was all I wanted; even know as she lay on a hospital bed in a hospital gown.
I wasn't going to get my hopes up and anticipate the slow opening of her eyes, her final awakening from her slumber. Because I knew that Bella was gone. I could feel it in the room; I could see it from her face. Bella wasn't in there, and even if she was she was hanging by a thread.
Optimism wouldn't help her wake up, nothing would. Nothing was in that shell, and that's just what it was, a shell. Something that Bella uses to be in, but now that she was done with it she'd left it behind with us. A reminder that she had been here, something for us to remember her by. Something to put in her grave and something to look down upon as we say I last goodbye. But it wouldn't be mine; I would never be able to let Bella go, even if she wasn't here for me to hold on to.
Bella was gone. She was never coming back.
I couldn't accept that, because she was out there somewhere. Looking down at us from somewhere up in the sky. She was looking down on me, Charlie, Renee . . . on Edward, and the Cullen's. She was looking down on everyone that she loved, I knew it. Or maybe I just wanted to believe that.
"Are you okay?"
I had found her on her bed sobbing loudly with her dark curtain of her cascading around her face. She'd been curled up in a ball and hugging her knees to her chest. I hadn't known what to do, I'd felt so helpless in that moment that it made me want to cry. Knowing that she was crying over someone that broke her heart, and I wanted to fix it, but didn't know how to tell her. Instead I asked her if she was okay when it was apparent that she wasn't.
"No" She'd told me. "I can't breathe Jake, and right now I'm trying to keep myself from dying."
Those words had cut me like a knife, reached in and tore me to pieces. She was broken and I was her superglue but didn't know how to approach her. But as I looked back I realized that no matter what I did or what I said, her mind had been made up from the day he left her.
She couldn't live without him. Her life revolved around him just like mine revolved around her. There was nothing for her here without him, and that hurt me worse that finding her dead. Knowing that I wasn't enough. That I never had been.
She wasn't ready. She never would be. Bella couldn't let go of the past, she couldn't believe that Edward was gone. Or if she had, she didn't want to believe it. She couldn't believe that nothing was ever going to bring him back, she wanted to have hope. She wanted to see him again.
And I think that was why she killed herself, to see him again.
She was a girl who gave her heart to someone who changed his mind.
There was nothing I wanted more than to see Edward right now and kill him. He deserved death after all that he put Bella through. The pain, and the reckless nights that she couldn't fall asleep because she was afraid of dreaming the dream she'd been having ever since the night in the forest.
I craved her presence, I longed for her warm breath against my skin. But I would never be with her again, not until I grew old and died. Yearning for something I would never have brought pain, but I lived through it. Because it was proof that Bella really had existed, that she'd been real.
She had been a kind young soul that would have gone far in life. That would have reached out and conquered all with her strong ability to lighten up anyone's day. But she'd lost herself along the way, because somehow she'd lost reason. Lost hope. Lost Edward.
It wasn't her fault, and although I knew she blamed herself I wished that somehow I could tell her that. Because it wasn't, if it boiled down to the truth, it was Edward's. He'd been stupid not to have seen what was in front of him. Immortal or mortal Edward was stupid and arrogant to have turned his back one a beautiful soul like Bella. She hadn't deserved the pain he brought her.
Promising her promises that he couldn't keep. Letting her go after her realized that mistake he had made with letting her in. Endangering her life just to comprehend later on that it wasn't going to work out. Making her believe that they had a chance and blocking her from the truth until it please him.
She was left with nothing, emptiness, when he left her. And he'd left with the love of a girl that didn't appreciate.
I walked out of the hospital room and continued on down the hall. People walked past me, but they didn't ever look back. I was someone they'd seen momentarily, someone that they didn't care about. They were people who didn't know the truth about the girl in room 213. The one that owned my heart, who had been strong but broken inside because she hadn't felt good enough for the man of her dreams.
They would never know how beautiful and strong Bella had been; never know who she truly was. All they'd see was a girl who commit suicide- someone who was depressed. But that wasn't who Bella was, who she had been.
When I made it out of the hospital I ran into the forest as fast as I could. The forest was comforting, it was home. I didn't want to go back to the hospital and watched as Bella's life ended slowly. I didn't want to see my father or Charlie or anyone else and see the solemn looks on their faces, knowing that we'd all lost her.
Pain rules us all.
It speaks to us, guides us.
And we obey. What other choice do we have?
A/N
For those of you who are still reading this story, thank you and I hope you're liking it. I've never experienced this before, but I hope it's still okay with all the information and emotion. In the end, instead of Jacob running away after finding out Bella and Edward are getting married, he runs away after she kills herself. Unable to see her and others knowing that they'd all lost her, not wanting to joining in with the grief but wanting to experience it himself.
~Sophia
