"I need to know that I can be human."
Emily couldn't believe she had slipped like that, especially to her boss. It was one thing to have quiet, open moments with Derek or Garcia, where she was safe from scrutiny. But to have said that in front of Hotch, who had chastised her almost immediately. She felt like a kid again; ashamed and humiliated. That's what she got for allowing herself to present emotionally in a case. It was getting harder and harder to separate her emotions from her thoughts, to compartmentalize. Staring out the window of the jet, separated from her teammates, Emily could feel the eyes on her but she needed time to lick her wounds, find out why she couldn't just divide and conquer her thoughts anymore. What had changed?
Her thought process had shifted as a result of her environment and the people in it. She justified having honest and open moments with Derek or Garcia. Emily was being vulnerable in her relationships. That's why she felt so strongly for Carrie, strong enough to try and bring the victim home to Washington. Involuntarily, Emily had gone from being sympathetic to being empathetic because she now knew what it felt like to have something she was afraid to lose; her BAU family. How had she gone from referring to them as her colleagues to calling them her family?
The transition from being isolated to spending an ungodly amount of hours with the same people was taking it's toll on her. But she had worked in groups before and still managed to keep her persona. It had to be JJ. It was the blonde's fault with her curiosity and compassion. Emily was spending too much time with the liaison. JJ who was open and fearless, soft and proud but still stronger than most. JJ who was coming over right now.
Emily continued to peer out the window, begging any sort of higher power out there that JJ would just pass her by and go to the bathroom or grab a coffee. Much to her chagrin, the media liaison moved to take a seat right across from her. She peeked over at the blonde before JJ got settled, seeing the softness in her colleagues features; the rosy color of her cheeks matched the pink of her sweater endearingly.
"You okay?" JJ's eyebrows were scrunched slightly, conveying the depth of her emotions. Emily loved to see her like this, it's why they became friends so easily.
"Yea," Emily shrugged, nodding lightly. JJ mirrored the gesture in a subtle show of support. The silence felt thick with something unknown as it often did when JJ decided she wanted to pick apart Emily's brain.
"They're good people," Emily looked up inquisitively, "Carrie's family."
Immediately the brunette broke eye contact. She looked up, willing the shame that had undoubtably flooded her face to go away. Swallowing thickly, Emily answered, "Good," her composure was impressive but the fear that JJ could see right through her was ebbing away at her self confidence, "I'm glad." She turned back to staring out the window, fighting against the lump in her throat.
JJ gave Emily some time, practically able to see the gears shifting in the profilers brain. She pressed her lips together anxiously. Not wanting to push Emily too far, she waited for the right moment to speak. "I think it's a good idea."
"What's that?"
"You," Emily's brows furrowed, "Kids." The reaction was immediate and contagious.
The profilers face broke out into a smile effortlessly, unable to fight it even if she wanted to. In an unconscious attempt to salvage some sort of control in this display of raw emotion, She looked away from JJ though her face beamed.
"I can see it." JJ felt privileged to be able to witness this moment when months ago they were clashing heads over Emily's inability to let other people in.
"Yea?"
JJ felt her heart pang at Emily's insecurity and offered reassurance, smiling and nodding. She had never seen the other woman like this. It was almost unnerving. Just when JJ thought the conversation had come to a close, Emily's hushed whisper broke the silence.
"You know, I was always afraid I wouldn't know how to be a parent," Emily's voice was so soft it was like an echo, the confession obviously coming from a deep place inside the brunette."I still don't think I know. I've never been in a traditional family setting."
Jennifer held eye contact the entire time, knowing that Emily opening up to her was rare and she was doing everything she could to make sure her friend knew she was listening. Once she made sure Emily was done, she spoke, "I think you don't give yourself enough credit." Emily's faced scrunched, a self deprecating retort on the tip of her tongue but JJ interrupted her, "You're capable of so much love and compassion. I've seen it. You would be a wonderful mother."
Emily bit her tongue, looking off into the window again. Letting JJ see her like this was so difficult but there was no where to run, at least not anymore. That was the best and worst part of their friendship. JJ forced Emily to come to terms with her emotions. The blonde had reached inside Emily's brain and tore the compartments apart, there were no more neat shelves filled with feelings that would be tucked away and forgotten. It was complete chaos but somehow the fact that JJ was the one responsible for her undoing made it okay.
Eventually, they had fallen into a comfortable silence, JJ understanding that sometimes Emily just couldn't respond. It happened often when they talked about family. She was okay with the quiet anyway, the flight was long, the case grueling, and she was exhausted. Slipping in and out of consciousness with Emily's eyes flicking between her and looking out the window was strangely calming after the day's events.
When Emily thought JJ had finally dozed off she reached up into the in-flight compartment, grabbing a blanket for the blonde. She carefully laid it over her friend before easing back into her own seat.
"Em?" JJ murmured, eyes still shut but the beginning of a smile dawning on her face.
The brunette blushed massively at being caught, "Yes?"
"Next time we get a long weekend, come home with me? See my family. Think of it as a trial experience for your family." JJ opened her eyes slowly to gauge Emily's reaction. She admired the fierce blush crawling up the brunettes neck. Combine that with the girlish curls framing her friends face and Emily looked angelic, like she had never been hurt before. JJ knew that was far from true.
"Jayje..." Emily hesitated, "I-I don't know. I wouldn't want to invade."
JJ's mouth twitched into a smile at the nickname. "You're not, I'm inviting you."
Emily wet her lips, subtly picking at her nails and indulging in her nervous habit. "Then I'd like that." She agreed, though tentatively. Emily could always find a way to back out if necessary and there was no guarantee they would have a long weekend any time soon.
JJ could almost hear Emily trying to distance herself from the situation but she decided to ignore it, saying a soft goodnight before closing her eyes and drifting to sleep.
Emily was wired the whole flight home half expecting JJ to wake back up and withdraw her offer. Being soft had never been her strong suit but JJ made it impossible to remain distanced.
