Chapter three: This is it
Two months
Kathryn looked uncertain as she sat in the arm chair in her apartment's lounge. Part of her wanted to ignore him and continue with her work, the other part wanted simply to tell him to stop being so presumptuous whilst he sat sprawled across her sofa as if he owned it.
"I don't really understand why you're saying no," he sighed.
"Do I have to give a reason?" she looked up from the padd knowing now that he wasn't going to let her concentrate on it.
"No, but it would help me counter your argument if I could understand it first," he said lightly. He should have been annoyed, but he had learnt to be patient with her, and for that she was grateful.
She allowed him a small grin, "I just think it's too soon," she explained, "besides, it's only been a month since you 'officially' ended your relationship with Seven."
"I wouldn't exactly call it a relationship…" he shook his head, "I'm not getting into that debate now. Just say you'll accompany me to the ball next week as my date."
"And what about Seven?" she reminded him.
"I doubt she'd even think twice about the two of us turning up together; Seven and I were over before it really began and she knows you and I are good friends. We've waited a respectful amount of time, we'll be doing nothing wrong by turning up together."
She hesitated, unsure whether or not to voice the true reason as to her unwillingness for them to arrive at the ball together. Reluctantly she realised that she needed to tell him in order to add more weight to her argument. "I don't want to make our relationship public just yet… especially not at something as open as this."
"Kathryn, it's a banquet not a wedding," he insisted with a small chuckle. "Unless we make an announcement that we're sleeping together people will just assume we're two friends who decide to turn up to a ball in each other's company. We might stir up some of the old gossiping from before, but does it really matter?"
She still didn't look convinced but knew that this was a conversation that couldn't be won, only surrendered to, "fine, I'll go with you." Suddenly he looked more smug than she'd seen him in a long time: he enjoyed getting the better of her. She decided that some ground rules were in order to put him back in his place, "we'll behave like good friends Chakotay, not like lovers."
His lip quirked up, "can we at least be very good friends?"
Eying him carefully she attempted to ascertain what he meant by the word very, but she decided not to indulge him on this occasion, "no." It was enough to wipe the smile back off his face, but he seemed satisfied with succeeding in the first round and sank back against the cushions behind him as he returned his gaze to the ceiling. At last she felt she could return to her work, and her eyes drifted back to the padd.
It had been two months since their return to the alpha quadrant, and as the junior members of the crew came to the end of their debriefings and were being granted permission to leave the city and move about freely within the vast confines of federation space, Starfleet had felt now was an appropriate time to hold one final celebration for their return. Unlike the previous two events, this was not to be a private occasion, but one in which most Admirals, many diplomats and all high standing politicians had been invited. There would be press present inside and out the banquet hall, and with Voyager the centre of media attention Kathryn knew that every aspect of the evening would be speculated on, analysed and written about… including her conduct with Chakotay.
The former maquis yawned tiredly, "it's late Kathryn, we should go to bed."
His words took a moment to register, but finally they did and she looked across at him, not sure if she should be irritated at his assumption of spending the night with her, or appreciative as she always slept much better with him beside her. "Go ahead," was all she said, "I'll join you soon. I just want to finish this off."
He paused a moment before getting up and she got the distinct impression that he wanted to say something, but whatever it was he changed his mind and went alone to the bedroom. It wasn't for another hour that she made a move to join him. She had thought he was asleep already when she climbed into the bed beside him, and he almost was, but in his sleepy state he wrapped an arm around her, so she snuggled up against him, finding it easy to fall asleep in his warm embrace.
The following evening they did turn up to the final homecoming celebration together, clad in their dress uniforms which although Kathryn felt very comfortable in, she knew was highly unflattering to the female shape. Chakotay however, looked even more dashing than usual and he swept through the crowds of journalists and photographers by her side with a wide dimpled grin plastered across his face. Although she didn't enjoy all the attention, she did like the feeling of walking beside him with her arm looped loosely through his, and of the way he so eloquently and politely dodged all the questions thrown her way and quickly whisked her into the safety of the great hall.
After their entrance there was no time to spend talking to members of their crew who had seen very little of them the past few weeks as they were ushered towards a large table at the head of the hall which was reserved for themselves and only the most important of the invited guests. Among the admirals and diplomats Kathryn felt very much at home, and found it easy to talk with them about politics, protocol, research and of course Voyager. Although she sat several seats away from her former first officer she kept an eye on him throughout the evening, and was proud of the way he kept a captive audience as he recalled tales from the delta quadrant.
The meal came to a close and as deserts were being finished people started to get up and move into the next great room where a band had started to play, a couple of bars had been opened and the floor space was clear for gathering and dancing. No one was more eager than Kathryn to move out into the hall and mingle with her crew, but she found herself trapped in an intense debate with an elderly senator. Chakotay had moved to her side in the hope he could get her out of it, but with the topic falling on the maquis he found that he too became drawn into it against his will.
Despite both their subtle and then later not so subtle attempts to bring the conversation to a polite close, the senator continued on a verbal rampage, not at them, but at everyone and everything, and they both quickly learnt not to make any contrary comments for fear of drawing the debate out any further. "… but the biggest problem they face isn't from the remnants of the maquis now, it's from the Ferengi, who insist on being compensated for the economic distress the war caused their empire and are demanding that they be allowed free mining rights in the region. If Fargo Yelfta had any common sense he wouldn't even consider handing the system over to the maquis leftovers." Kathryn saw Chakotay biting down hard on his tongue at the last comment and silently prayed that he wouldn't say anything.
"It's my understanding," a tall man nearing his fifties entered the group, "that the region you're speaking of originally belonged to the Gouftan tribes, who formed a sizeable portion of the maquis." Chakotay didn't know the man, but recognised him as someone who had spent a large portion of the evening talking with Kathryn. He wasn't sure exactly what he did which was so important as to merit him a place at the head table, but he felt uneasy about the way he had been looking at Kathryn that night.
"Yes, after they pushed the Cardassians out over three decades ago," Chakotay could tell that the old man didn't like the newcomer to the conversation.
"They brought that system from the Cardassians after Starfleet forced them from Faylon III, a motion I believe you helped to pass senator."
The old man glared up at the dazzling blue eyes of the younger diplomat who in turned smiled kindly at him. "If you'll excuse me captain Janeway, commander," he turned back to the two of them, "but I promised to speak with admiral Gibson this evening and I just saw him entering the ball room."
"Of course," Kathryn forced a smile and waited until he had left before she dropped the pretence and rolled her eyes turning at once to the stranger, "thank you, I was worried he would never stop."
"The trick with people like him is to know everything about them just in case you ever need to remind them of who they really are," he said smoothly.
She smiled up at him a moment before she seemed to remember that they were not alone and turned to Chakotay, "I'm sure you know of my first officer from Voyager: commander Chakotay," she politely introduced, "Chakotay, this is Caleb Enfield part of Romulus's diplomatic team."
The two men shook hands with murmurs of how nice it was to meet one another. "Well, thank you again for getting rid of the senator," Chakotay said and she felt him place a hand on her lower back, "but now we really should take some time to say goodbye to our crew."
"Of course," if Caleb was offended by the commander's clipped tone, he didn't show it. Before Kathryn could say anything she felt a pressure behind her and found herself being guided away, only finding herself enough time to give their rescuer an acknowledging nod before they left.
"That was rude," she muttered as they stepped through into the next hall.
"I didn't want to get caught up in more political talk," he said and she could tell from his expression that he didn't want to expand on his reasons for the quick get-a-way so she let it slide.
The rest of the evening went smoothly and was much more enjoyable for them both. At some point they comfortably parted company allowing Chakotay to spend time with those he had formed the closest relationships with over the years such as Ayala, Sullivan and some of the other maquis, and Kathryn was given free roam to work the crowd, taking time to speak to every member of her crew and allowing herself to be interrupted from time to time by other invited guests.
It still wasn't too late in the evening when the band quietened and the sound of tapping glass caused everyone to quieten and turn in the direction of the stage where admiral Paris was stood. "I'm sorry to interrupt you all," his voice boomed so that all could hear, "but there is one item on the agenda for tonight which we thought best be kept a surprise," his eyes searched the crowd, "I will need captain Janeway up here to help me with this," he added.
Now everyone in the hall was looking around. Chakotay frowned, Kathryn hadn't mentioned anything about this to him, and he didn't really think that she would want to give a speech tonight with the eyes of the media watching her every word and move carefully. He saw her emerge at the stage with a look of confusion and curiosity on her face as she stepped up to join the admiral and he realised that this was a surprise even to her.
Admiral Paris smiled warmly across at her, "I have known Kathryn Janeway since she was a cadet and she came to my office and talked me into being her PhD supervisor. Since then I have watched her go from being an adept and innovative scientist to a great and courageous leader, and like many people in this room, I'm proud to say I've been a part of her life, and it brings me great joy to be a part of this as well," he turned from the crowd and back towards Kathryn.
It was then that Chakotay noticed an ensign step forwards who had been lingering at the back of the stage since the admiral had called for their attention. The ensign was part of Paris's assisting team and he held a black box the size of a cigar case in front of him, suddenly Chakotay realised what was happening, and saw the same look of recognition pass across Kathryn's face as her smile dropped.
"You'll have to stand to attention for this Kathryn," Owen prompted, and she did as instructed.
"For your journey through the delta quadrant and discoveries of new life and civilisations which will have scientists studying and baffled for years to come, I wish to award you the Archer medal for exploration," he said, his aide opening up the case allowing him to reach in side to produce a silver brooch in the shape of the original USS enterprise.
He pinned the medal to her uniform, but she didn't look at it, instead her eyes were fixed on some distant part of the wall. The admiral went on to award her two more medals, the Kirk crest for bravery and the Golden Falcon. The latter inducing a communal gasp from the observers as it was one of the federation's most highly respected awards, and was only usually given after death or towards the end of a lifetime of accomplishments, to be receiving it only mid-way through her career meant that Starfleet viewed her as one of the most distinguished captains in service.
Chakotay watched a mixture of emotions pass across her face as she was given each medal: happiness, pride, and a sadness which he easily explained through the losses she had suffered under her command, where she felt she had failed to keep safe the officers in her charge and for that he knew a part of her thought she didn't deserve the decorations.
"This final addition to your uniform tonight is not a medal," the admiral spoke directly to her, as if there was no one else in the hall with them. He reached back to the box, but no one in the audience saw what he removed from it as it was too small, Chakotay guessed that Kathryn had seen it as the small smile on her lips disappeared and she swallowed hard, and he got the feeling she didn't like what was about to happen. "Captain Janeway, Starfleet high commission met last week and decided you needed an extra pip, and it's now my honour to promote you to admiral."
The room was still until he had placed the pip on her collar, and as Kathryn came out of attention to shake hands with him the room suddenly erupted into applause. As she came down the steps from the stage the band started to play again and she found herself swamped with people wishing to congratulate her. The crowd around her was so dense that Chakotay found himself unable to make a move over to her, and so resigned himself finding her again later that night.
"So?" he heard the voice of the second most dominant woman in his life and turned to see B'Elanna standing there with one hand on her hip and a grin across her face.
"So?" he questioned her question.
She rolled her eyes, "you've been walking around Starfleet headquarters that past few weeks with a self-satisfied grin, big and smug enough to challenge the Cheshire cat, despite being over-worked and your break-up with Seven. And then you turn up tonight with the captain and please don't tell me that you're just happy to be home, because it's more than that."
"Do I have to have a reason to be happy?" he smiled despite himself.
She didn't batter an eyelid, "are you? I mean really happy."
Chakotay's smile faded and his eyes drifted over to where Kathryn was standing, seemingly oblivious to him observing her. "I am," he gave a determined nod, his eyes moving back over to her, "I think this is it B'Elanna, I really think this is going to work."
The half-Klingon's face lifted into a small smile as she narrowed her eyes at him, "are you going to marry her?"
He let out a small chuckle, "let's not get ahead of ourselves just yet," but she could tell the idea of it excited him as the grin quickly returned to his features, "but maybe… as least I want to."
The last part of his sentence concerned her, and she wondered if her former captain was as committed to the relationship as him; Kahless knew she'd seen her break his heart on more than one occasion. However she brushed that thought aside, not wanting to be pessimistic or dwell on the past but to be happy for two people whom she loved very much.
After what seemed an eternity the crowd around Kathryn started to thin and she was left with some breathing room. She was engrossed in a conversation with Megan Delaney, Chapman and Tal Celes when she sensed someone come up right behind her and turned to see Chakotay beaming down at her, "I suppose congratulations is in order," he said, then gave polite nods in the direction of the others in the group.
"Thank you," she smiled up at him.
"The cap- admiral," Megan quickly corrected herself with a grin, "was just saying that Starfleet probably won't finish debriefing you for another few weeks."
Kathryn felt him place an arm behind her to rest a hand above her hip, from the smell of his breath she could tell that he had been drinking and worried maybe it was a little too much. "Probably not, but it should be a lot easier now since the amnesty has officially been extended to the Maquis crew and they've cleared the Equinox group of any potential charges," he assured her.
"Do you know what you're going to do after the debriefings?" Celes directed the question at Chakotay, he assumed that was what they had previously been discussing with Kathryn.
"Not yet?" The corner of his mouth lifted up, and he returned his attention back to Kathryn, "but right now I'd like to ask the new admiral if she'd care to dance with me?"
He watched the surprise of his proposal pass across Kathryn's face, and for a moment he worried that she would turn him down, but then her face broke into a gentle smile, "perhaps just for one song," she gave in.
His face lit up, he couldn't help it, and although he knew his behaviour towards Kathryn was giving away everything, he really didn't care. They excused themselves from the group and walked to an area where some of the guests had started to dance. Chakotay extended his hand to her in a formal fashion, and she took it, moving elegantly into his arms. Ignoring some of the looks being thrown in their direction (mainly from those who hadn't served with them aboard Voyager) they moved slowly to the music.
"Do you think you'll miss it?" he asked without having to explain himself, they both knew he was talking about command.
"I hope not," she replied honestly, one hand was rested on his shoulder, the other on his waist.
"You're going to hate a desk job," he noted.
She chuckled, and with her mouth so close to him, he could feel her warm breath against his neck, "do you think?"
"Yes," he said simply, "I can see you pushing to be made a fleet admiral and commanding a cohort of science vessels on the fringes of explored space."
"Oh really?" her eyes twinkled.
Chakotay pouted a little, "maybe," he paused a moment and his face became unreadable, "maybe not. Don't let them push you into anything you don't want to do, you deserve to be happy Kathryn."
"I am happy," she insisted, but even as the words left her mouth she started to doubt them. "This promotion should give me more flexibility: when I spoke with Paris earlier this week he said that Starfleet would more or less let me have my pick of assignments."
"Will you stay on Earth?" it wasn't the first time he had asked her, but this time she sensed he wanted a definite answer.
"Yes," she replied, "for the time being at least."
Their feet stepped in synchrony without either of them having to think about it, and she found him gazing down at her with a deep look in his eyes, his mind thinking over something and she was at a loss to guess at what. "I never want to be apart from you," he said, his voice dropping so that no one would overheard.
She met his gaze, the meaning of his words reaching her: he was planning to stay on Earth with her. She didn't say anything, aware of the very public setting she knew this was the wrong time and place for this conversation. Instead she moved her body a little closer to his and danced with him for much of the rest of the evening, despite the attention they were drawing by doing so.
V
Two months, two weeks
Chakotay grabbed a large and heavy box from the back of the loading vehicle as Tom came up and lifted another crate from beside it. "After this there's just one more left," Chakotay nodded in the direction of another box in the corner, "we can leave that for Harry and go join the women for coffee."
Tom feigned irritation, "coffee? We've spent the past few hours doing hard manual labour, and their only contribution is a hot drink? I was at expecting at least a slap up meal."
The older man chuckled lightly, "well, I think Kathryn brought some of Gretchen's home-made brownies," he offered.
Tom pretended to consider it, "she does make fairly nice cakes doesn't she?"
Chakotay grinned as they walked down the ramp together, and stepped out onto the front lawn of the Paris's new home, "and Kathryn makes a mean brew of coffee."
"I'm sure she does," Tom spoke with an obvious undertone, which was enough to cause his former first officer to shoot him a mock warning glare which made both men smile.
Chakotay looked up at the white building in front of them; the large front lawn they crossed over was balanced by an even bigger garden at the back surrounded by a picket fence. The house had four bedrooms, an office for B'Elanna, a guest suite and a basement (which Tom already had his eye on for a games room). The couple had decided to remain in Starfleet and as they knew their new assignments would be near to San Francisco, they had chosen to live in a location not too far from the city, but not so close that they weren't able to find a comfortable home within walking distance of some small but friendly schools.
Although not envious of the shape Tom and B'Elanna's lives were now taking, Chakotay did find himself reflecting on what he wanted from his own future, and seeing them together and so happy made him realise that this was something he eventually wanted with Kathryn: a home together.
"That one's going in the attic room," Tom explained as they stepped up to the front door, forcing his friend's mind back into the present moment.
"Thanks," he said sarcastically, the weight of the cumbersome object already tugging at his arms and the thought of two flights of stairs not helping.
When Chakotay had dumped the box he started to make his way back down towards the lounge where he suspected they had all congregated for coffee, but as he reached the landing on the first floor, movement in one of the bedrooms caught his attention and he stopped his descent. He saw Kathryn with her back to him, pacing for a moment in sight of the doorway before moving to an area of the room he couldn't see from his vantage point. He realised she was in the nursery, and with that realisation came the recognition that she was with Miral.
Without thinking, he moved quietly over to the door, and stood in the doorframe to see Kathryn standing by the window, holding the baby against her chest as she gently rubbed her back. She hadn't noticed his entrance and so he remained undisturbed by the doorway watching Kathryn interact with the child, inexplicably transfixed by the scene.
She looked so natural and at ease with the baby in her arms, and the soft smile on her face told him that she relished the feeling. Miral made a disgruntled gurgle, which Kathryn quickly responded to with a soft hushing, bouncing the baby gently in an effort to calm her back down and sooth her into sleep. He wasn't sure at first why seeing her like this moved him so deeply, but the thought of what she would be like with his child slowly crept into his mind. His thoughts were interrupted though as he found Kathryn's gaze suddenly on him as she must have sensed him staring.
A frown consumed her features in confusion as to why he was just standing there, but he quickly regained his composure and eased her with a dimpled smile he knew all too well would melt her. Her lip quirked up as he had expected it would and she moved her eyes from him and back to the baby as he entered into the room, "I've managed to calm her down," she explained quietly, "but she refuses to go to sleep."
"Maybe she knows there's coffee downstairs," Chakotay joked, "I know that's enough to keep you up at night."
Kathryn rolled her eyes, although they both knew it was true. She felt his hands on her hips and move slowly down her thighs in a torturous caress before feeling his lips against her neck, her eyes closed in relish of the sensation before she remembered herself, "Chakotay!" she scolded, trying to step out of his grasp, but before she had the chance his arms were wrapped around her middle and he was affectionately nuzzling her ear.
Another cry from Miral and he stopped his advances, but his arms remained in place around her as he rested his chin against the side of her head and looked down at the baby in her arms who she was now trying desperately to soothe. "When can we have one of these?"
His question barely registered as she was more relieved at having avoided another wailing session from the small girl, "when they come with off buttons," she returned lightly.
Chakotay released her from his grasp, "I'm serious," he said, stepping around to face her.
"Chakotay…" she sighed, but whatever she had been about to say she didn't, realising that the question he was now asking required more than a quick answer off the top of her head. "A child would be a lot of commitment," she chose her words carefully now, "can you really say we're ready for that?"
"I am," he said quickly, "I've been ready to commit absolutely to you since we were stranded on that planet five years ago."
She met his gaze, searching his eyes for any sign that this was some sort of game, she was disappointed to find that it wasn't. "I'm not even sure if I want to start a family Chakotay. In the delta quadrant I gave up on the idea of becoming a mother… returning to Earth so suddenly has changed a lot of things, but I'm not sure if it changes that."
He gave her a supportive look, not wanting her to feel that she would be letting him down by saying 'no'. "I know how hard it was for you on Voyager Kathryn, to resign yourself to never having your own child," he said with a sad smile, "but as you said things are different now. We have time to wait until you're ready," he assured her.
Kathryn looked away, focussing her attention on Miral who was now drifting off to sleep in her arms. In an effort to give herself more time to prepare a response to his suggestion she took her time in placing the baby carefully into the crib, standing near by with her hands rested on the sides of the cot as she watched to ensure the small girl was sleeping. Finally crunch time came and she realised she couldn't put him off for any longer and with a fearless reluctance she turned back to face him, "and what if I'm never ready to start a family with you?"
Chakotay bit his lip, in his heart he felt that creating a child with her would complete them both, but he knew how stubborn she could be and worried that she might not realise that she wanted it just was much as he did until it was too late. "You know nothing would make me more happy than making my family with you," he said sincerely, "but whether that's one, two… three children or none doesn't matter, I love you."
Their eyes met and locked, "and if I stand by my decision not to have a baby-"
"Then we won't," he gently interrupted, crossing over to her and placing his hands on her shoulders, "you're all I need, I'll accept what ever choice you make."
She looked up into his loving gaze for a long time and she knew that he meant his words: that he really would be happy either way, after all if he had wanted a family so desperately he would have started one years ago before he ever considered joining the maquis. As she allowed herself to be pulled forwards in his embrace, at the back of her mind she wandered if she could even give him what he needed, let alone what he now confessed he wanted from her. But as he lowered his head to kiss her deeply, she forgot herself, and it wouldn't be for a while longer that similar doubts would again cross her mind.
